preraph Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 Ok. Update. We spoke again. I expressed how I felt regarding me being expected to pay for everything. I explained that I understand in the beginning paying for everything but then at some point I started to feel a little used. She has now started to pay for some things. Regarding the IVF... yes, before meeting me (in October) she was planning on transferring one of her embryos this coming fall. I believe she is still planning on doing that this fall. She keeps bringing up marriage. She said she wants to marry me and wants to do it this year. I understand that we love each other and talk about spending our lives together. But, it seems a little early to be making actual plans to get married. I’m feeling a little bit like she wants me to marry her so she has someone for her potential baby she may conceive this fall. But, am I just being paranoid? I don’t know what to think exactly. The feelings seem real. But I just wonder why she’s rushing it. I love her but it feels weird to be saying I want to marry you this year. I mean my friends haven’t even met her yet. We’re not even friends on Facebook. Do you guys think I’m being paranoid? Anytime someone rushes you it's a red flag. Here's what I think: She doens't give a crap about you or who the man is. She wants one with money and her focus is on having a baby, and she doesn't care whose. She is just trying to broker someone paying for fertility to get a baby. Paranoid would be if you thought she was going to take that $20,000, say she used it for a baby, and actually pocketed it and gave you the runaround since it's "in the bank" and you'd never even know. After all, doctors can't release info to anyone but the patient. You need to dump this person, I'm sorry. Besides all her manipulations, here'e the number one reason why: If she doesn't care any more than this about who is the father of her baby, doesn't even care if she gets to know the father through time, that is NOT a good mother, and she is NOT thinking about her baby but thinking more about financial security by using her baby to get money from either child support or to get on welfare, or both. If I missed it, I'm sorry. How many jobs does she have? Why can't she fund this herself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 She is putting the cart far before the horse. It would be crazy to agree to marry her any time soon. You still don't know each other well, to the extent that you haven't met anyone in her life. I think she likely doesn't want to be pregnant if she is not married, but she is reeking of desperation here. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 Gosh her clock is ticking like crazy. Suggest she do what I did - freeze her eggs (no, not embryos... embryos conceived with the sperm of whom she wants to freeze? yours?). The anxiety goes way down when one does that. About 5 years ago it cost 15k, might be cheaper today. Can she afford that? That way you don't have to feel so pressured. Regarding the IVF... yes, before meeting me (in October) she was planning on transferring one of her embryos this coming fall. I believe she is still planning on doing that this fall. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 (edited) Sorry why does she think she needs to freeze embryos and not eggs? Either she's ignorant on the subject, or she's trying to pressure you by saying she will use someone else's sperm (lame! if that's the case). While some studies say embryos have better chances of implantation, many women freeze their eggs (as myself) when they don't have a partner for the long haul yet. Which is basically her case. Well, she has a sperm doner. She has purchased sperm that she is using. I’m just a guy that’s with her. She’s asked me (as mentioned before) to maybe use my sperm (while also asking me to help financially if I’m going to be part of it) but I told her that was putting too much pressure on the relationship. So, that idea is now gone. When I asked the main doctor at a large University fertility center that froze my eggs re: freezing embryos with the man I was dating at the time, he highly discouraged it, saying it can cause many issues (legal I believe) and may waste my time and resources (financial and biological) if we didn't stay together. He certainly went through this often with other patients as he's been doing it since IVF was invented. That is because no reputable IVF clinic will do this for a couple not married and who just met and started dating. Edited February 17, 2019 by edgygirl Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 (edited) Id be a little concerned with her pushing for marriage and then pushing to get pregnant. It really does sound like she's planning for child support to help her with the child. I think the only way she gets it from you is if you are married. Then if you get divorced, she can get child support from you even tho the child isnt biologically yours. I think Id take a step back and just see how things go. If she's wanting to get pregnant, she should go ahead and do it. If she doesnt, then its obvious she's wanting you to help her and wants to get married first. There is no hurry at all to get married, unless she has a timeline involving you and your checkbook. Edited February 17, 2019 by Whodatdog Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 Dump this woman!!! She is bad news!!! Respect yourself and find a good woman, this woman is not good... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_daviss Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 It depends on what she wants she sounds like bad news but she might be OK is she doing OK for money? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Well, she has a sperm doner. She has purchased sperm that she is using. I’m just a guy that’s with her. She’s asked me (as mentioned before) to maybe use my sperm (while also asking me to help financially if I’m going to be part of it) but I told her that was putting too much pressure on the relationship. So, that idea is now gone. You're going to fund everything and marry a woman to support some stranger's offspring? This arrangement sounds like hell in the making. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 You’re right. Also, she does this immature thing where she has to bring up other guys that give her attention. It just seems immature. I don’t get why she feels like she needs to do that Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 You’re right. Also, she does this immature thing where she has to bring up other guys that give her attention. It just seems immature. I don’t get why she feels like she needs to do that This is fairly typical of women with 'orbiters'. She is basically trying to get you to see that she is a woman of value and has potential suitors waiting in the wings and if you don't out a ring on it you might lose out. Honestly, with all you habe said so far if it were me I would be showing her that I am a man who values and respects myself and let her move on to one of her orbiters with her marriage and IVF schemes. You can't see it because you are too invested. From the outside there is very little that seems positive about your arrangement (it's definitely moved on from relationship to 'arrangement') 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 You’re right. Also, she does this immature thing where she has to bring up other guys that give her attention. It just seems immature. I don’t get why she feels like she needs to do that She's trying to get a rise out of you. Like if you dont do something, she'll find someone who will. Next time she does that, tell her if she'd rather be with the guy that gives her "attention" that you would gladly step aside for her. Probably be the last time she does that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 You’re right. Also, she does this immature thing where she has to bring up other guys that give her attention. It just seems immature. I don’t get why she feels like she needs to do that Please respect yourself and tell this woman that you are done with her and the relationship today!!! This woman could care less about you, she is looking for someone to pay and take care of her and the kid.. I do not know what you see is positive about this woman and relationship. Give her the boot and let her be another mans headache, this woman will make your life miserable, I can promise you that. You can't be this desperate to be in a relationship with someone like this woman. Dump her asap!!! Respect yourself!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I don't think you are being paranoid. Your gut is telling you that she is pushy AF and no matter how she sugar coats it or rephrases it, her agenda is not changing. She has you on a timetable that doesn't consider you and isn't fair to you. I was going to think that's all which is a major enough problem in itself but now you have mentioned that she talks about other guys. Ugh. Sounds like she is all about herself and a manipulator TBH. I would seriously consider breaking up with her. If she is going to bulldoze you on these issues and then mind games when she doesn't get her way, imagine if you did end up married to her, fathering a child with her or even just living with her--more of the same. The subject matter will change in the future but her tactics will typically remain the same. That's her character. Sorry, I don't get a good feeling about this at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 You’re right. Also, she does this immature thing where she has to bring up other guys that give her attention. It just seems immature. I don’t get why she feels like she needs to do that She sounds very manipulative. She thinks she can get you feeling scared of losing her by using this technique, and lock you down faster. This is not a desirable quality in a partner. I agree with others who think she's looking for a sucker to go along with her plan. She doesn't care that much who it is, just that he can foot the bills. If you marry her, I feel this is one of those marriages where you won't be getting much if any sex or affection in short order, and you might end up divorced and stuck with child support payments for some other dude's offspring. I'm sorry - I think you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 This super desperate woman must have been working really hard to manipulate a man into helping her attain her goal. OP: Have you asked why you’re the naive one who has fallen into her trap? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I have to concur with the others here. I was once in her court but now she’s just sounding manipulative and controlling. You really don’t need this stuff in your life. I know it might seem odd to break up with her over this but she has driven you to feel pressured and suspicious. The damage is done. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 You’re right. Also, she does this immature thing where she has to bring up other guys that give her attention. It just seems immature. I don’t get why she feels like she needs to do that Just another way to try to make you think you better commit or she'll move on. Let her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 You’re right. Also, she does this immature thing where she has to bring up other guys that give her attention. It just seems immature. I don’t get why she feels like she needs to do that I can hardly believe what I'm hearing... trying to invoke fear and jealousy to prompt you to write the check. This should be the tipping point. Here's what you do... when she brings up this guy ask about him, if he's a standup guy, etc. Of course she'll extoll his virtues. Tell her to ring him up. When he answers you take the phone. Ask how long it will take him to get there. He'll ask why. And you tell him because I'm turning her over to you. She's yours. Come and get her right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted October 15, 2019 Author Share Posted October 15, 2019 So we finally broke up. I decided it’s too much with the fertility proposition so early, etc. Do you all agree that’s a wise decision? If you need a recap, read my first post on page one. Thank you so much! Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 Of course you did the right thing. You waited 10 months to break up so now you also know people do not change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted October 15, 2019 Author Share Posted October 15, 2019 She just has this way of always making me question a decision. For example, I point blank asked her why she asked me to be involved so early in the fertility stuff and I asked her why she was so resistant to paying for anything for the first 4 Months of the relationship and told her I felt weird about that stuff. Naturally. She says she was pressured regarding the fertility and that she loved me and wanted me involved and says she regrets asking. The money thing she said I never asked so she didn’t offer and then she brought up other guys she’s dated in the past who never asked her to pay for anything so she didn’t know... When she says these things it makes me feel like I’m being too difficult, ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 You're too difficult because you don't want to spend 20K on a woman you've known 4 months? C'mon. You know you did the right thing. Of course when confronted with it she will somehow justify her behavior but you know better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 She asked me to financially support (very expensive - approximately 10k-20k) her undergoing another round of IVF with the intention of me fertilizing the egg and then her freezing it for a later date when we decide we are ready for a baby. Not at 4 months. You've barely started the phase of your relationship where the "on their best behavior" representatives have been dismissed and the "real you/real her" have come to the fore. The "real her" seems to want a baby more than she wants a healthy relationship with a partner if she's bringing this up after only knowing you 4 months. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 When she says these things it makes me feel like I’m being too difficult, ya know? You're not being difficult. At. All. She's a lazy, manipulative cow. There is no reason on earth why an able bodied adult can't work a 2nd and 3rd job to amass the money needed to do what she wants to do. Or get a loan or put it on her credit card... or go without and accept her limitations in life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 I don't think you're being difficult, but rather she is inconsiderate. In the grand scheme of things though, I think that should be your least concern. The fact is that she has baby fever and running out of time. She is putting the cart before the horse by asking you to make a decision and a big commitment before your relationship has had time to mature. With that said, your hesitation is completely warranted. I speak from experience, she will continue to press you on this. Link to post Share on other sites
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