Versacehottie Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 She said she asked me to help pay for it because it would give me some commitment. Precisely! I think majority of us see this as all alarm bells and red flags waving like mad but maybe because you were blinded by being in the situation you see it as barely a niggle that you aren't even sure you're right about. It's insane when you think of it neutrally. Some "commitment" is a CHILD. Who you will be financially, emotionally and otherwise responsible for at least 18 years but longer if you are a decent dad (which it sounds like you could be). You need to latch onto the absurdity & pushiness of her asking for this and run like hell the other direction. You are a means to an end from a not logical mind or manipulative or both. Apart from what it could do to YOUR life, she and potentially you would be f*cking around with another human's life, an absolutely innocent one. Stop letting her pull on your heartstrings and just block her. Otherwise, i'm pretty sure she will rope you in in one way or another, trick you and you will be part of this mess. What a selfish, stupid woman. Don't be the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 27, 2019 Share Posted October 27, 2019 She said she asked me to help pay for it because it would give me some commitment. Yes, commitment for the rest of your life. As a mom and grandmother I can tell you for sure that having a child with someone is a lifetime commitment in every way, financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. That is why it's wise to take your time getting to know someone well. Then get married and stabilize your marriage. Then, and only then, have a child together. Even then, folks end up divorcing and it's often a nightmare concerning the children, take it from a divorced mom. This is more often the case than not. This woman you're emotionally involved with is not playing with a full deck in at least some aspects of her life. You'd best move on asap because if you stay with her I believe you're playing with fire and will just end up getting messed up by her flakiness at some point or another whether it's with the issue of having kids together or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted October 27, 2019 Author Share Posted October 27, 2019 I saw her yesterday, just because she asked me to go shopping with her. Nothing sexual happened. But, we of course talked about things. I expressed again how I felt a little used in the beginning of the relationship and how I felt it was weird how she asked me to pay for half of the egg harvesting when she was going to do it again. She reiterated that she asked me to help pay because she thought I would treat the whole thing differently if I was financially invested. She the spoke to how I was the one who left and always seemed skidish and untrusting in bed regarding the baby and her intentions. She explained that she has always been there to support and love me and talk things through with me. Truthfully, she has usually been very open to talk things through with me. The intimacy and love I do miss. And when she explains herself- it always makes sense. It’s challenging. I hate giving up on people Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 27, 2019 Share Posted October 27, 2019 Dude, it is what it is. She asked you for money because she wanted money. She didn't do it for any of those crazy excuses she's giving you. You need to get rid of this user. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 27, 2019 Share Posted October 27, 2019 She reiterated that she asked me to help pay because she thought I would treat the whole thing differently if I was financially invested. She the spoke to how I was the one who left and always seemed skidish and untrusting in bed regarding the baby and her intentions. She explained that she has always been there to support and love me and talk things through with me. Truthfully, she has usually been very open to talk things through with me. The intimacy and love I do miss. And when she explains herself- it always makes sense. It’s challenging. I hate giving up on people Of course you would treat it differently if you were financially invested. And her thought process to arrive at that and express it is manipulation. No, from what you've written it doesn't make sense. She manipulates your emotions, it feels good so you assume what she's done is OK. It's not. It seems you're a person who makes decisions based on your emotions. It would be good for you to learn to make decisions with your brain and stick to those decisions when a person is trying to manipulate your emotions. We all have to do that. It's called discipline. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 27, 2019 Share Posted October 27, 2019 Yeah to meet up to go shopping???? Wow, she is a manipulator and you are ripe for it. If you are broken up, there is no reason to meet for something so insignificant--it's just an excuse and you fell for it easily. It's just a way in to see you in person and manipulate you in person. Wow. Wow. Why are you hanging on? Um, no she does not make sense. She makes excuses. Why in the world do you need to be MORE invested or involved? IMO, you'd be better off just giving her the money but not having a parental responsibility. She is looking for both: a dad and an ATM. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. You are being super naive and not responsible. You should either be in or be out. Ridiculous. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 27, 2019 Share Posted October 27, 2019 So what all did she ask you to buy her on the shopping trip? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 27, 2019 Share Posted October 27, 2019 She the spoke to how I was the one who left and always seemed skidish and untrusting in bed regarding the baby and her intentions. Well of course you were. None of this baby-crazy talk should have been taking place at 4 months into a new relationship. Ask her this: would she still love you if you told her up front that you weren't interested in creating children for another 5-8 years? I'm guessing that that "love" of hers would dry up like a desert river bed and she would have ended things. She explained that she has always been there to support and love me and talk things through with me. Wow, that is bald faced manipulation on her part. So what she is saying is that she was giving to get--she was front loading the "love" on her part because she was working an agenda. This relationship wasn't developing organically like you were led to believe it was. Truthfully, she has usually been very open to talk things through with me. The intimacy and love I do miss. And when she explains herself- it always makes sense. She's a therapist. And just like with a lawyer, she's trained in how to corral a conversation and worm her way into people's vulnerabilities. I hate giving up on people Does that include you, too? You are letting a manipulator go to find someone else to do this baby mess with since it makes you feel uncomfortable. If that is no longer the case with you, break out the check book and do her bidding. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 Handing over $20K should be the least of your worries, when a woman who is unstable about having a baby and her timetable is trying to trick and manipulate you into having commitment & responsibility i.e. for fathering a baby. Like was said just above, this coming from a person who is savvy because of her line of work about how to extract things from others and get them to agree in small increments (forgot what it's called but therapists are trained to do it--though surely 99% of them do it with good intentions and so their patients discover and learn how to do their own rational thinking). To be honest, i'm shocked that someone who should in theory be trained to do good things with the skill set she has uses it for these bad intentioned things and to mess with another person's life. At this point, any more participation from your end, when you've already broken up, know her agenda and have a SUCH reservations about being involved with her, makes you an equal participant in this mess. You certainly won't be able to say she tricked you or that you didn't see it coming. Be honest--each time you move forward with her in any way or have any contact with her, you are playing russian roulette with these life decisions. It takes two--one of which you are. You know and are a willing participant going forward. It's not that hard. You don't want these things to happen then don't see her, break it off for good. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 ... she asked me if I would be the father of the baby when it’s born, as in sign the birth certificate at the birth. It just seemed like she was trying to get me to become involved in this legally. It’s hard to see that she was trying to take advantage of me because she was also very loving and flooded me with love. I’m starting to feel a little more comfortable with this now. It’s disappointing But you DO see. That's what's important. I agree with prior suggestions to block her and be done with this. I'm only suggesting this because I think if you don't you may regret if for the rest of your life if she manages to con you into this. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 Prostitutes ARE very loving and flood you with love for money. That's what they're paid for. This woman is a con artist playing you for money. There's plenty of women out there who get pregnant as a source of income. So maybe you can change my mind. What is her profession and what kind of money does she make and how many hours does she work? If she has a career, why is she willing to ditch that for a guy she barely knows? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 What is her profession and what kind of money does she make and how many hours does she work? message #142: Yes, my gut has told me numerous times she’s manipulating me. She’s also a professional therapist, so she knows how to read people and manipulate them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 (edited) Is she a real psychologist or psychologist or does she just call herself a therapist? Have you confirmed that she actually works somewhere? how do we know she's not a cold girl who's calling herself a therapist? also how do we know she's not already pregnant by someone else and just looking for someone who will pay up? You need to keep it in your pants with this woman because she is a very high risk to entrap you Edited October 29, 2019 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted October 30, 2019 Author Share Posted October 30, 2019 She’s a “psychoanalyst”- I’ve been to her office before- she definitely is a working psychoanalyst. But - I don’t think she makes a lot of money. Enough to pay her rent, pay off most of her debt. She’s still on her ex husbands cell phone plan and definitely tries to take whatever she can as far as meals, favors, etc. She may be a call girl. Who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted October 30, 2019 Author Share Posted October 30, 2019 It just makes me angry. She didn’t offer to pay for anything for the first 4 months or so when we started dating. She was obviously taking as much as she could. She’s a cold manipulator. I was and always have been warm and giving with her. How can you treat someone like that? It makes me sick. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 Hmmm well i guess it's good that your thoughts are swinging the other way (with the hate) but i'd just be careful of that wildly swinging spectrum. People can have both good and bad sides. If you stay concentrated on the bad in order to get through the rough time and when she is still pulling on your heartstrings it's ok. After that you need to let it go and make peace with how she was to you and what type of person she is in order to move on. I think reality is: a lot of a pushy manipulator with some good parts that drew you in. If you stay stuck in hating, you stay STUCK on that person. I think also you need to ask yourself at some point what it is about you that let it happen to the extent that it has. Maybe you see only the best in people, maybe you don't have much boundaries in how you conduct your life, maybe you are generous, maybe you try to win people over with what you can buy, maybe you were lonely. The reason I say you should do this because working on those areas or what you can do to shore them up next time helps you work through what you are going through productively. And it's less about putting blame but more about a constructive understanding. Things are rarely black and white. A lot of therapists don't make very much money. Maybe you live where it is expensive too. Like I've said which is one of things you should concentrate on IMO: Desperate people do desperate things. Hang in there Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted October 30, 2019 Author Share Posted October 30, 2019 I get that. I shouldn’t stay angry. And I won’t. It just makes me sad. I hope I’m able to meet a woman with normal temperament. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 Hey if anger is what you need to get over the hump that's a good thing. But after that once you have no chance of going back, try to get unangry so you can move on healthily and learn and not be bitter. You got this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 Just hang in there. You are young, and you seem like a nice guy. Someday you'll meet a nice woman with no drama, and then you'll be glad you didn't get involved in her mess. I know it probably sucks right now, but we've all been there. Go out with your friends and family, or stay in and read if that's your preference. But don't keep talking to this woman. It will just keep you in limbo. You have to go through the pain and the anger to heal, but in time you will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 2, 2019 Author Share Posted November 2, 2019 There just can’t be any other explanation for asking me to become involved with that after 3.5/4 months of knowing me. Right? It makes me sad that I was so loving towards her and she was calculated in return Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 There just can’t be any other explanation for asking me to become involved with that after 3.5/4 months of knowing me. Right? It makes me sad that I was so loving towards her and she was calculated in return Well, I'm a big believer in the theory that people are rarely black and white. However, let's say they are probably on a spectrum. She probably pushes toward the calculated, pushy side and you were an easy target to make her agenda come true. The bottom line is it's not good for you to keep ruminating about it. It's not allowing you to move on. Sometimes we can "do all the right things and act admirably" but will still encounter people who take our kindness for weakness and misuse it. You need to take the positive: YOU are a kind and loving person. You misdirected that for the last 10 months or so of your life but now have a chance to redirect it toward the best person for you with good intentions for you as a couple and whatever kids you bring into this life. You are not as weak as she calculated. I don't see much point in continuing to wallow or figure her out. Also bottom line is that she wants and is dominant into pressuring you about something that you don't want. I keep going back to--it would be easier to just hand her the money, but you and I both know it won't stop there and then there will be a little human there that needs care and support that she is not capable of providing--so then you would be back on the hook. Also how weird is it to want to stay in her life when her number one goal is to have a kid right now and you are not about that right now. How precisely would dating a person with a new baby if you have no intention of being involved go? So back to the on the spectrum of people things--I do think she is one of the more calculated out there and has messed you up real good. Idk, but i also think you need to snap out of it and consider yourself lucky. Right now you are wallowing in being a victim--that's a powerless place and perhaps part of the reason you can't move on. Continued contact with her is doing the same to you. I mean at a certain point you have to take responsibility--it's you that CONTINUED despite hearing that at 4 months; it's you that saw her the other day for shopping and allows contact with her; it's you that has the power to set yourself in another direction away from this woman. You are almost at one year of wasting time with and about her when your goals don't align and she has shown you major character flaws. What are you going to do about it to help yourself productively? If you continue on the current path of churning it in your head, seeing her etc, then i would start to believe that perhaps your own emotions have played a part in stringing her along, giving her hope that you are up for this plan and just weird about the money (i.e. some kind of stingy). I don't think that's who you are but it has crossed my mind a couple of times. Like i keep saying, most of the guys I know would be out of there so fast, 6 months ago with this red flag, so there is concern there that you are playing a role in the back and forth. At least we can all agree, you are ALLOWING it. Hang in there. Take active steps in the direction you want. Be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 11, 2019 Author Share Posted November 11, 2019 I spoke to her yesterday again. The embryo topic came up and I told her how I felt a little manipulated. She flipped out and said she was only asking me because she felt love for me and wanted to include me. I asked her how she could have possibly have known that at least than 3 months of dating. We agreed to stop contact. It’s over for good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 11, 2019 Author Share Posted November 11, 2019 The way she gets so wildly defensive when I bring up that topic really makes me understand her true motives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 12, 2019 Author Share Posted November 12, 2019 Just wanted to thank everyone for your patience and support while I worked though this. I’ve cut all contact with her and I’m trying to move on. I appreciate you reading and responding to my endless ambivalent posts about her and the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 13, 2019 Author Share Posted November 13, 2019 Can I ask one last question to you all? I mentioned that her and I spoke on Sunday which I honestly think may be our last conversation. In the conversation the embryo proposition came up and I expressed that I felt she was being manipulative by asking me to be involved and financially contribute to that at only 3 months of knowing me. She FLIPPED out and yelled at me and told me I was “emotionally abusive”, told me I was an *******, she started saying that someone else may have felt honored to be included in that and that I was ridiculous to think she would be manipulative regarding it. Then she hung up on me, texted me “I need space right now” and she hasn’t responded to me since. Why do you think she behaved like this? Link to post Share on other sites
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