Dating for 4 months and she asked me for money. [Updated at 10 months]

[thr1986]

Look, nothing is spinning the earth backward to before the moment you met for a do-over. It is what it is and that's all it's going to be: a manipulative therapist who never managed her money correctly so she could fund her baby-crazy fantasies and instead, she's shopping for "Daddy Warbucks" to underwrite her existence so she can lounge around the house playing mommy to a baby that's not yours, but you will be legally responsible for until they're financially self sufficient on their own and even past then.

 

Do you think she’s purposefully not reaching out to manipulate me? If she is doing that, then her plan must be to at some point establish contact with me again, right?

 

On Sunday in our last call, she said “is the grief of me losing my baby yours, do you even consider it your own grief?” (She tried to transfer an embryo but it didn’t take). I told her I did consider it mine also. And Then I asked her if we would have contact. She said “I don’t know, I have to go”

 

Do you think I’ll hear from her again?

Edited November 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[S2B]

It just bothers me that she’s ignoring me. It’s unlike her.

 

Oh stop it... she’s ignoring you because she isn’t getting what she wants fromyou!

 

She’s now searching for a new chump.

 

It’s not that she actually cared at all - she didn’t. You’re a man with some money and sperm - she mainly wants the money and sperm.

 

Block her - she’s a user and a taker.

 

Get helpto understand why you would even want to talk to her at this point!

[thr1986]

The toughest thing is coming to grips with that. She wrote me so many letters and said so many deeply emotional and serious things to me. It’s sort of heart breaking that it all could have been a scam

[vla1120]

The toughest thing is coming to grips with that. She wrote me so many letters and said so many deeply emotional and serious things to me. It’s sort of heart breaking that it all could have been a scam

 

That is exactly why/how scammers are successful! They pick their targets carefully. If they catch someone who is suspicious from the beginning, they won't waste time on them. They'll move to the next target immediately. She got her hook into you and thought she had you.

 

She may STILL have you if you insist on continuing to try to understand this situation because at whatever point she decides maybe you're still a good target (because of your inability to let it go), she may go back to manipulating your emotions to get what she wants out of you.

 

Face it. There are some really diabolical people in the world. You can either continue this walk on the tight-wire with her and risk losing, or you can accept that she's manipulative and deceiving and move on with your life!

[thr1986]

It’s just heartbreaking that she may not have even meant what she was saying to me

[kendahke]

Do you think she’s purposefully not reaching out to manipulate me?

 

Yes.

 

If she is doing that, then her plan must be to at some point establish contact with me again, right?

 

No--her plan is to use her tractor beam to lure you back in and it's working, if one goes by all the posts you keeping posting.

 

On Sunday in our last call, she said “is the grief of me losing my baby yours, do you even consider it your own grief?” I told her I did consider it mine also.

 

Manipulative. How does some other man's sperm make this your baby? It never was and it will never be. And if it's "her" baby, she can pay for it and raise it herself.

 

And Then I asked her if we would have contact

 

Why? This is why you're going to keep contacting her despite what a myriad of objective people here have told you because you keep meddling with her. What exactly is the point here? You know what being with her requires and you have stated time and time again that you've got a problem with funding her baby quest. Has something changed in this vein?

 

Do you think I’ll hear from her again?

 

If you block her, you won't. Problem solved.

 

Are you afraid of being by yourself until a far more suitable woman comes into your life? Like I've said earlier, if this is too much for you to bear, then submit yourself to her plans, keep your opinions about your money to yourself and deal with her without any hint of acrimony. That's all that's left to you if you can't leave her alone. Otherwise, you and your treasury are going to be on the hook for the rest of your life for this kid, even if she dumps you once she decides to leave you for some other man who has more money than you. That's how this type operates.

Edited November 15, 2019 by kendahke

[thr1986]

I think my problem is mostly that I moved to nyc alone for work and I just never made a huge group of friends so without her I’m feeling lonely now.

[thr1986]

And I HATE that our last interaction was her accusing me of being a bad person for accusing her of manipulating me with the embryo inquiry. It just hurts. After everything, I make that accusation and she cuts me off. It’s just horrible and I wish I could talk to her to at least clear the air

[some_username1]

With all due respect, you’ve won the lottery mate, but you just don’t know it. So sad.

[S2B]

There is no air to clear.

 

She wanted to use you. You said no.

 

Now she’s out looking for someone else to use.

 

You called her on her crap and she’s gonna try blaming you.

[thr1986]

Do you think there is any scenario where she was genuine about asking me to create and embryo with her at that time (3 months after meeting Me)? Is it possible that she was genuinely worried about her ability to harvest eggs in the future and actually wanted to create one with me?

[Versacehottie]

It just bothers me that she’s ignoring me. It’s unlike her.

 

WHAT???? Sorry it's also YOU that is part of this toxic mess. You say you're done and then expect things to continue as normal in terms of contact. That's not healthy. Are you or are you NOT broken up?

 

If you are broken up, respect that, respect the process and respect yourself and stop contact. It's that simple for that portion. How do you expect to get over her and stop this madness if you stay in contact, effectively staying in negotiations with her. You are doing this to yourself now. You are both acting in unhealthy ways.

 

Also you said she loved, cherished and praised you for how you are "nice" but then she also took that information and took advantage of you (or tried to) and steamrolled you. So don't mistake past words of praise for future treatment. I would say how she takes you for granted now is how the relationship would be going forward. She takes your kindness for weakness and plans to use it as such if you are partners. Make no mistake that is the dynamic after the initial stages and is not bound to change.

 

Lastly, let's not forget the MOST important part, a few posts ago you said you didn't think life was worth living. You must deal with that first. This is not safe. You should see someone immediately.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Do you think there is any scenario where she was genuine about asking me to create and embryo with her at that time (3 months after meeting Me)? Is it possible that she was genuinely worried about her ability to harvest eggs in the future and actually wanted to create one with me?

 

Of course she genuinely wanted you to be the one she took advantage of, hooked in financially, and manipulated into providing money and possibly sperm for her baby.

 

Isn't that what this whole thread is about? Her hooks sinking into your pocketbook and life deeply while she still had eggs to harvest?

[LivingWaterPlease]

t, I don't mean to be harsh with you (post #238). Your ex may have had an emotional connection with you and was attracted to you, most likely, even.

 

It's just that her selfish manipulative side over rode any common sense she may have had as she attempted to jerk you around trying to get her way.

 

Her being a psychotherapist IMO makes this even more egregious. She knew exactly what she was doing and how to do it.

 

Ultimately, she was selfish and cared mostly for herself and her own agenda.

 

The great ending to this is that you've decided not to be her victim! Good for you! You were man enough to say, "No ma'am!" and walk away!

 

I understand that at this point you're processing your emotions here. And that's a whole lot better than ignoring them and moving on without dealing with the issues. There are men who would have fallen for her plot, but you didn't! Way to go!

 

Keep posting if you need to! Any posts that may seem harsh are only for the purpose of serving to help you see things clearly and put this behind you in as short order as possible!

[thr1986]

I don’t mean to be repetitive with you guys. This thread has become something that helps me so much and I look to it every day it seems. I’ve thought so much about how to put my feelings down here simple enough for everyone to understand. This is what I’ve come up with:

 

If there is ANY way that she was genuine and she was simply the victim of this genetic problem and she was just feeling a immediate rush to utalize the few eggs the poor girl has left AND she genuinely loved me and her asking me to create an embryo with her was ONLY because she truly loves me and wants to seize her last opportunity to make one...then how could I ever fault her for that and I definitely love her and I want to be with her.

 

BUT...

 

If she was being manipulative and wanted me to help pay for her to harvest more eggs because she didn’t want to spend any more money on it and further if she wanted to hook me with an embryo and have me indebted to her- then of course I don’t want to be with her.

 

My problem is this: I somehow CANT decide which it was. I didn’t pay for anything and she dropped it and didn’t bring it up again. But, she did ask me to sign and be the father of her baby when she transferred the donor embryo. She asked me to do this just a couple of months after the embryo question. It felt a little bit like a second attempt to hook me? Or maybe she was feeling pressured and wanted to define my place when the baby came into the world for the health of it and for us.

 

I just can’t decide if her intentions were good or were bad. And I’m stuck in this hole of ambivalence and emotion about this. How do I know for sure? I need to know for sure! When I asked her, you heard how she freaked out and ignored me. Ugh I’m just a mess because of all of this. I can’t stop crying and I can’t organize my feelings

[preraph]

No. What she is asking is completely unreasonable and probably just a way to get you to pay up.

[LivingWaterPlease]

t, you're confused about her motives because of your pure heart. Look at your post. You describe her as the "poor girl." It's possible that in her desperation she came off that way to you. But, even if there's some of that element in her psyche and that played into this situation, it would mean she's not an appropriate partner for anyone right now.

 

You need to be with a grown woman who has good judgement in order to have a healthy relationship.

 

She is a grown woman, a psychotherapist, to boot. Both of which are big parts of what makes this scenario untenable.

 

A grown woman should have had the maturity and good sense to realize the situation she proposed, though it would satisfy her own longings, was not fair to you. An unselfish grown woman wouldn't have suggested it.

 

What she suggested to you was very selfish.

 

Add to this the fact she's a psychotherapist and it's beyond the pale for her to have not only suggested this arrangement but also tried to rope you in on it.

 

Part of the training a psychotherapist goes through is to do individual counseling and look deeply inward to one's self. So she is trained to not only work with others, but to look within and evaluate her own motives and perspectives about situations.

 

Yet in spite of all of what she knows, her selfishness kicked in and overrode it all. And she used her knowledge to basically hurt you. Because what she proposed was extremely unfair to you, even if she wanted to marry you. That's not the healthy way for you to enter into a marriage.

 

However, your emotional health wasn't her priority. Her priority is not even the baby she desires. Her priority is herself. Even then what she proposed wasn't healthy in the long term for herself. To enter into a R or marriage in this selfish way is just foolish and childish.

 

Because of her training she knows that. Yet she still forged ahead with her plan and now she is throwing a tantrum of not speaking to you because she couldn't manipulate you.

 

She very well could have had deep emotions for you and been attracted to you. BUT, she wanted to pull you into a quicksand environment. She should have recognized the quicksand, the danger. But either she didn't recognize it which shows extremely poor judgement, or she recognized it and didn't care about your safety.

 

She could be just a very confused person. She could be evil. She could be a mixture of both. She IS extremely entitled, selfish and definitely a very poor candidate for a stable relationship with anyone, not just with you.

[BaileyB]

I just can’t decide if her intentions were good or were bad. And I’m stuck in this hole of ambivalence and emotion about this. How do I know for sure? I need to know for sure! When I asked her, you heard how she freaked out and ignored me.

 

And that is exactly how you know that she was manipulating you.

 

Listen, everyone here has told you - a woman with good intentions does not ask a man that that she barely knows to have a baby/fund her infertility treatments. You may have seen this as a sign of her undying love for you, but a woman with good intentions toward a man does not do this! And a woman with good intentions does not freak out and ignore you when you say no to her totally unreasonable request. Period.

 

My friend, I say this with kindness... She saw you coming and she used you in the worst way that a woman could use a man. She knew you were lonely, she knew you were wanting to be loved - so she loved you. You were vulnerable and she attempted to exploit your weakness for her own purpose.

 

You did win the lottery when she ended the relationship, you truly don’t know it. There would have been no happy ending with this woman. You will not get closure by talking with her again. If you want to help yourself, you would be wise to find yourself a good counsellor and talk about healthy boundaries.

[S2B]

Why are you even communicating with her now?

 

You know -it’s possible she takes money from new men she dates and never has the IVF done.

 

Wouldn’t that be a great way to obtain a large amount of money as a woman?

 

She almost scammed you. Be done with her. She wanted to use you not love you.

[thr1986]

My heart is completely broken

[S2B]

She isn’t the woman you THOUGHT she WAS.

 

Reconcile in your mind who she actually is.

[preraph]

Why are you even communicating with her now?

 

You know -it’s possible she takes money from new men she dates and never has the IVF done.

 

Wouldn’t that be a great way to obtain a large amount of money as a woman?

 

She almost scammed you. Be done with her. She wanted to use you not love you.

 

That's the most likely scenario by far.

[preraph]

Sorry you're hurting, but if you can fall in love with her, you can fall in love with LOTS of women. So it will all be okay.

[BaileyB]

My heart is completely broken

 

My friend, no woman is ever worth this much grief - especially one who has attempted to manipulate you this way.

 

If you are feeling this heartbroken, that shows that you had an unhealthy attachment to this woman and/or you need to work on your self esteem.

 

Do you have a counsellor? You really do need to find someone who can help you to understand why you let this woman into your life, and why you kept her around for so long despite all evidence pointing to the fact that there were some serious dealbreakers here.

 

Focus on the hurt, and you will continue to suffer. Focus on the lesson, and you will continue to grow..

[Versacehottie]

ok, i have compassion for a broken heart but you need to take ACTIVE steps to deal with it. It's a problem that communication with her just prolongs your recovery. At this point you are part of the problem, i.e. you are doing this to yourself by re-opening the wound every time and communicating with her.

 

I typically don't agree to make one person the villain and the other the saint. There are things in this long thread that show that your own actions have played a role in where you are now, no matter how manipulative she is (which is way up there, let's face it).

 

I think you need counseling immediately.

 

Lastly, i forgot to say this before but is there a chance that you "led" with your money or success. It seems as if BOTH of you are keeping track financially, tit for tat and it's a power struggle. I feel like half of the reason you are devastated is because you feel used. If you want people to like you for you, try not to lead with your money/financial success next time--make it a non-factor. I also am not sure based on these posts if you are just tight with money overall, despite her gold digging nature. Anyway, i can see some inconsistencies. This is minor in light of everything going on. You need to deal with your mental health (talking about ending things is priority one to get yourself out of that headspace). Self-esteem that helps you recover from heartbreak is close second.

 

BTW, i don't remember what the phenomena is called but each time you go back and forth with a person, psychologically you actually get more attached. It's because it becomes an ego thing, like a personal challenge, something that affects your own identity. I think you should see if you can find some of the info on that. Understanding that your brain is going to override logical thought because of all the back and forth and manipulation that has gone on might help you realize she isn't all that great (in fact the contrary!) and you will survive. You just need to start reprograming (and first step is understanding what is going on with you) your mind.