Dating for 4 months and she asked me for money. [Updated at 10 months]

[thr1986]

There is no point. She messaged me yesterday from a vacation she’s on with her parents saying she was thinking about me. I didn’t answer. I’ll stay no contact with her.

[S2B]

Well that is good news! You are finally protecting yourself from her manipulation!!!

 

Go a step further and completely block her! You don’t need to hear from her - ever again!

[LivingWaterPlease]

There is no point. She messaged me yesterday from a vacation she’s on with her parents saying she was thinking about me. I didn’t answer. I’ll stay no contact with her.

 

This is GREAT news, thr!

[thr1986]

It just makes me feel devalued thinking about how she just sees me as a source of money to latch on to. I would like to think that I’m desirable for who I am. The strange thing is that her parents have been happily married for 40 years. The example she has (her parents) seems to be really good. I don’t get why she feels the need to not pursue the same type of love.

[Versacehottie]

I think the first thing you can do besides no contact with her is to stop churning it in your head seeking “why” answers. You have to accept on some level you won’t get them (and it really doesn’t matter). If you had the exact answer, your mind would probably try to fix or negate that reason of hers. One way you can start to feel more VALUE or self worth is decide the fact that her values and goals did not align with yours (the part you know-ie baby stuff) AND fact that she doesn’t want to be with you or compromise through something, ie simply does not fully recognize your value is reason enough alone that YOU don’t want to be with HER. You have the power to give yourself back the value that your have frittered away on her. I don’t say that lightly—I say that because dragging this thing out for the last 5-6 months is partly on you—you are one of the main reasons you feel devalued right now: you are not treating yourself like you matter. Bottom line: her whys don’t matter, at this point only yours do.

 

If you are sticking yourself in this limbo, THAT is a huge part of why you feel devalued. I’m glad you are not responding to her contact. That’s is the first step to take you out of this limbo. Take the next one! And you will find your value come back—because it’s you that holds the key to what your self worth is. You shouldn’t be handing the power of controlling what you feel about your value to anyone else.

 

Have you ever thought that a big reason you want to make things “work” with her is to resurrect your value? I think this is common with people. You are trying to fix the problem of your self worth with the person you’ve given all the power over it to or externally. The trick to fixing it is internally and with the actions you chose to do. Good luck

[Whodatdog]

She can't make you feel devalued if you dont let her. Part of taking care of yourself is surrounding yourself with people who lift you up, not drag you down. That part is entirely up to you. You know how she is; she makes you feel devalued. Stop letting her do that, and stop contact with her. It will be a vicious circle with her that will never end...unless you end it.

[thr1986]

she texted me two more times from her vacation, both texts were just of pictures of things that are meaningful to us and she likely knows will make me think about our relationship. I responded, just with a " "

 

 

i saw a therapist but didnt get far enough to understand why i still desire her. as I sit here and write this, I think about the reasons I THINK i still desire her. those are all along the lines of her being someone who "wants to work at a relationship to make it last" which is somehting she always said. She always talked about how she feels like a relationship is something you have to "work at to make last" which always seemed insightful. In retrospect, maybe she was just saying that to create an expectation/setting where "work" would be required to manintain the relationship. maybe she thought if she sold me on that concept early on, then i would see the relationship as something i'll have to work at rather than expect it to just make sense and be easy.

 

 

 

Should a relationship be "easy"? or do you always have to work at it? this is where i start to question myself.

[preraph]

"Work on" doesn't mean "pay out the nose for." Which is what she wants. She just wants that money. That's just her deflecting what the real problem is.

[LivingWaterPlease]

thr1986, It's the money, honey bunny!

 

The money she wanted from you is the problem! Had she not pressured you for money and stuff to make a baby you probably could have had a relationship with her.

 

That is just WAY too much to overcome for anyone. She knows how to work you.

 

When she texts you photos, why are you answering her? If you're going to do so, please at least don't send a . That makes it seem as if you're sad without her. Stop it, please! You're feeding her manipulative propensities and also making yourself appear weak!

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You need to get away from this person... Like all contact needs to be cut.

 

I am into dating older women. I am a younger man. My motto is "I like Career-Orientated women" and what that statement boils down to, is "Buy me ****."

 

A lot of these women that I have dated are in their mid forties and are at the point in their lives, where they are at the very, very, VERY end of the crossroads between their professional life and procreation... Many of these women end up leaning towards procreation and once their mind is made up, you, as a man, become an object.

 

What being an object means, is that you are just one of many. The same things these women did for me, they will do for my friends, if i end up introducing them... Every single time these women try to gravitate towards my friends in an attempt to get SOMEBODY, ANYBODY to have unprotected sex with them and get them pregnant. They know they are running on a limited time window, very limited sometimes and as a result, are having unprotected sex with 2-3 men a week.

 

One time my ex-girlfriends sister came onto me while I was dating her sister... This woman that came onto me, she had just finished her round trip back in the country she was born, where she had this pre-wedding ceremony that was not really a wedding but more of a tradition, with a guy that she had been dating for months prior... This guy was a chemical engineer and made absolutely stupid amounts of money... I was unemployed. She was trying to get my seed.... Behind her sisters back... Like...

 

These women in these positions of time-crunched procreation, they are a different animal bro, different than any type of woman you will meet out there, with no loyalties to money, time or anything else other than getting pregnant before the window expires.

[thr1986]

I hear you. However, when she was ovulating she would usually tell me she was and would say you shouldn’t cum inside me. I think I’d she was trying to get me to get her pregnant she wouldn’t have deterred me from doing that . Just so much unknown.

[thr1986]

thr1986, It's the money, honey bunny!

 

The money she wanted from you is the problem! Had she not pressured you for money and stuff to make a baby you probably could have had a relationship with her.

 

That is just WAY too much to overcome for anyone. She knows how to work you.

 

When she texts you photos, why are you answering her? If you're going to do so, please at least don't send a . That makes it seem as if you're sad without her. Stop it, please! You're feeding her manipulative propensities and also making yourself appear weak!

 

I know this seems insane to everyone and you’re probably sick and tired of hearing me say this but my heart just keeps searching for a scenario where she wasn’t being calculated with me and trying to get money or baby support or whatever out of me. I wish she would just admit this to me when I ask her if she was being calculated with me, rather than overreacting with aggressive opposition to the idea that she was using me. If she would just be honest with me I could get the closure I need to move on. I’m afraid to ask her again because I know she will overreact and say I’m insane for even thinking that. It’s THIS that makes me question my own belief in if she was using me or not. I wish she wasn’t. But I believe that she was. My heart hurts. I still get emotional about her and all of this. I just wanted her to be the one. I feel like I can’t trust anyone.

[Versacehottie]

What would happen if you ACCEPTED the supposition that she WAS using you? You need to keep going to your therapist.

 

I read something the other day that made me think of you which i can't fully recall right now but it basically said that rethinking things over and over especially after a breakup makes it worse and takes a personal toll rather than if you ever find the "answer" or "closure" ever will.

 

You need to accept that you won't get the entire or a sufficient answer. You need to stop allowing contact with her which also prolongs it. Honestly, at this point you sound depressed. No one person should be able to take you down so much--which kind of gives me the impression that you already had poor self-esteem or depression symptoms which made you particularly vulnerable. I don't think you should send her emojis. It's weak and won't make her like you more or solve your problems. You guys both are toxic for each other. If she is a legit therapist, she is an absolute joke of person. She needs her license revoked.

 

Stop wallowing. And good luck

[thr1986]

I would just love to know for sure from her that she was being calculated because then that would eleminate the feeling that I’m MAYBE leaving someone wrongfully that I think I could be with happily. It’s just not fair.

[S2B]

Nothing is fair! And your expectations are WAY off center!

 

She is NEVER going to tell you that! That’s her MO!

 

She moving on to her next victim now.

 

She may have never had ANY feelings for you - just your wallet... she PROVED that.

 

Get over her. She is a scammer!

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I hear you. However, when she was ovulating she would usually tell me she was and would say you shouldn’t cum inside me. I think I’d she was trying to get me to get her pregnant she wouldn’t have deterred me from doing that . Just so much unknown.

 

I have heard this from these women as well and what that typically means is that they are seeing somebody on the side who is cuming inside of them... Basically, when a woman is trying to get pregnant, there is a window of time where after a dude nuts in her, she has to wait before having sex again to see if she begins manifesting symptoms of pregnancy. Women who have had kids before know the feeling, sometimes they get it immediately after sex and just know that did the job, but women who have never had children before are forced to adhere to the hard window of time because they don't know the feelings, like for example their breasts becoming super sensitive or morning sickness.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Women are social creatures, they have an inherent social value placed upon them... Women WILL have your replacement lined up long before you two are ever broken up, it does not mean that she is necessarily having sex with this person, although if she needs to keep the guy on the hook, sex usually does the job, but regardless, this woman had a LINE UP of dudes ready and willing to have sex with her.

 

You have to understand, in the world of GPS-based online dating, women literally have access to INFINITE DICK. As men, we have to work really hard to get sex, but for women, like I said, they have the potential to get INFINITE DICK... 5 Minutes on a GPS-based online dating site and she'll find 10 dudes that are ready to have unprotected sex with her that night, it is ****ing crazy man.

[thr1986]

Honestly, you think she was cheating on me? We spent every night together and texted one another quite a bit throughout the day. I don’t know...

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Honestly, you think she was cheating on me? We spent every night together and texted one another quite a bit throughout the day. I don’t know...

 

Not knowing is something we all have to come to grips with in our own lives. In your next relationship, you will not know either and that is okay.

 

What I am saying is that she wants a kid. Well what does she need to do, to do that? Can she even get pregnant by having regular sex? I don't know and she probably does not either... Will the unknown stop her from trying? I guess that would depend on how badly she wanted a kid... If she asked you to pay 10-20 GRAND, do you think she would ask some other dude to nut in her?

 

Sex is natural. Asking people for money is not natural. As people, we tend to gravitate towards whatever is convenient. Making babies for free is convenient. Asking people for money to make a baby, not so convenient.

[thr1986]

We broke up on September 20th. A week or so before, she rented a cabin upstate for my birthday so we went up there for the weekend. While we were up there we talked about her recent miscarriage (the egg she created herself that she tried to transfer). She told me she would stop the IVF journey, stop trying to become pregnant, but then we would need to create an embryo together in two years and she would get pregnant. She would be 37 in two years so I think she feels like this would be her last chance. The reason she would wait 2 years is because she would start a study at work where she wouldn’t have the time to be pregnant. She would finish the study and then we would try together in two years. Some of my friends have said they thought the 2 year question was reasonable. We would both be in our mid to late 30s.

 

Am I being unreasonable? Is that a reasonable proposition?

[thr1986]

Bottom line is that I’m an empathetic guy. I can be strong and confident- I am professionally. But, I had a lot of love growing up and I honestly long to give love- especially to women. I grew up with sisters and an extremely kind and loving mother (maybe too nice and loving). So, I saw in this woman a girl who I was Falling in love with because we spent so much time together early on who was devastated because of a biological condition she has that’s out of her control. I decided I loved her and I would stick by her and let her go through this process of transferring an embryo via IVF. I honestly didn’t mind her doing that. When she wanted to involve me (three months into our relationship) biologically and financially- my initial feeling was “this feels weird” and I declined. But I still felt for her and justified in my mind that she was only doing that for the reasons she told me she was doing it - because she feels pressured, rushed, and she loved me and didn’t want to lose the chance with me. How can I fault someone for that right? She dropped it and we moved on. I just want to find a reason so badly to believe that she loves me like I thought she did and she was just being genuine with me given her situation. I worry if I leave her forever and cut ties then I’ll regret it later and I’ll always wonder if she was being honest with me and if I should have had more empathy for her. She did recently (before we broke up- as I stated in my last post) offer for us to stay together and she will wait 2 years and we can try biologically then.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Bottom line is that I’m an empathetic guy. I can be strong and confident- I am professionally. But, I had a lot of love growing up and I honestly long to give love- especially to women. I grew up with sisters and an extremely kind and loving mother (maybe too nice and loving). So, I saw in this woman a girl who I was Falling in love with because we spent so much time together early on who was devastated because of a biological condition she has that’s out of her control. I decided I loved her and I would stick by her and let her go through this process of transferring an embryo via IVF. I honestly didn’t mind her doing that. When she wanted to involve me (three months into our relationship) biologically and financially- my initial feeling was “this feels weird” and I declined. But I still felt for her and justified in my mind that she was only doing that for the reasons she told me she was doing it - because she feels pressured, rushed, and she loved me and didn’t want to lose the chance with me. How can I fault someone for that right? She dropped it and we moved on. I just want to find a reason so badly to believe that she loves me like I thought she did and she was just being genuine with me given her situation. I worry if I leave her forever and cut ties then I’ll regret it later and I’ll always wonder if she was being honest with me and if I should have had more empathy for her. She did recently (before we broke up- as I stated in my last post) offer for us to stay together and she will wait 2 years and we can try biologically then.

 

Most people want it one way and if they cannot have it the one way, then they do not want it. So you gotta ask yourself, "What am I gaining from this situation?"

 

Society tends to put this type of pressure on men where we are made to feel disposable.. Like if our needs are not being met or are lacking, then we should just tolerate it.

 

This individual, sounds like somebody who "Needs" to have a kid and those types are always to be feared... Anytime the need is over something unreasonable, you always gotta leer back a bit... Like "I need to travel" for example... Young women do not NEED to travel, they WANT to travel. She does not NEED a kid, she WANTS a kid.

 

Her terms with you two staying together seem to be rooted in procreation.

 

I believe love is a concept more akin to Convenience than any other type of description you could give it... We love our families, because our families are easy to love, we know them, we don't ever really have to get to know them or put effort into it, its just natural due to our biology and psychology... It is convenient.

 

In the same way, you saying you love this person, well, you have to consider how much of that is just because this person is convenient for you. You seem to be under the impression that she is going to accept you in any way that you are, as long as you give her a baby... Well, the thing is, once she has that baby, her list of needs are going to grow dramatically and the first thing she is going to do, is what has worked for her in the past... She will simply hold the relationship over your head and say "I need this, this and this, or we are done"... People are creatures of habit and convenience.

 

I think you need to turn around and run as fast as you can away from this person.

[thr1986]

The last time I saw her, we talked about us and what went wrong etc. I told her I just always felt like there was something more important than me (her having a baby) - I explained how I felt like she would choose a baby over me if it came down to it and how I wouldn’t have chosen anything over her. I said that I felt like I was “tagging along” for the ride of her pursuing this baby. I said that I just wanted to build a relationship with her and not make it all about a baby.

 

Her response was “this is what it’s like dating someone who is 35. I’m as close to 40 as I am 30. This is what dating someone my age is like. Anyone you date at 35 is going to be wanting to have a baby”

 

This comment made me feel like I’m going to have the same experience with anyone And to leave her over this is dumb because when I move on to another 35 year old things will be the same. I’m honestly hung up on this. It makes me feel like leaving her is the wrong thing because I’ll be in the same place again with someone else next because that’s just how things are at my age

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

The last time I saw her, we talked about us and what went wrong etc. I told her I just always felt like there was something more important than me (her having a baby) - I explained how I felt like she would choose a baby over me if it came down to it and how I wouldn’t have chosen anything over her. I said that I felt like I was “tagging along” for the ride of her pursuing this baby. I said that I just wanted to build a relationship with her and not make it all about a baby.

 

Her response was “this is what it’s like dating someone who is 35. I’m as close to 40 as I am 30. This is what dating someone my age is like. Anyone you date at 35 is going to be wanting to have a baby”

 

This comment made me feel like I’m going to have the same experience with anyone And to leave her over this is dumb because when I move on to another 35 year old things will be the same. I’m honestly hung up on this. It makes me feel like leaving her is the wrong thing because I’ll be in the same place again with someone else next because that’s just how things are at my age

 

As men, we have something working for us that women do not: Time and Status. As our lives go on, we enter our prime as men. Prime is not just biological, it encompasses the synergy of all the aspects of our life, like finances, social experiences, etc. As men, our status does not.. and this is an unpopular statement, but our status does not necessarily degrade over time in the same way a woman's does... Our status is decided by what we can... Gather and provide... Logic says then that our prime status will be hit when we are much older and the older we get, this status should increase as well.

 

With this, comes another boon: our ability to procreate does not degrade nearly as fast as a woman, normally anyways... We can be in our 60's and make babies, but women who are 60 typically have no ability left to procreate.

 

So naturally, if you are an older man and all the women around you are at odds with the fact that their status is degrading and they want to capitalize upon the status they have now by attempting to have a child with a man who will provide... You must date either younger women who do not want to have children yet, or older women who have come to terms with the fact that they do not have children.

 

As men, dating women our own age is just... Its not necessary. For a woman, of course she wants a man her own age, or older, because she wants the perks of being with a higher status man. Some men have a lot of status when they are younger, which means those young men can date older women.

 

Online dating works best when you are an old man or a young woman; young woman have desires and old men have resource... Believe it or not, online dating leaves the older woman and the younger man at odds relationship wise... Older Women still have desires, but young men rarely have enough resource to fulfill those desires.

 

Using online dating in your 30's is a mess. It really is. You can start to clean up that mess by not dating other people in their 30's unless they are an exceptional person.

 

Hate to say it, it is what it is, but to me, an exceptional woman is somebody that can give me a child without complication... Hard pill to swallow for those that cannot procreate and very insensitive, I recognize that, but at the end of the day, it is what it is.

[S2B]

The last time I saw her, we talked about us and what went wrong etc. I told her I just always felt like there was something more important than me (her having a baby) - I explained how I felt like she would choose a baby over me if it came down to it and how I wouldn’t have chosen anything over her. I said that I felt like I was “tagging along” for the ride of her pursuing this baby. I said that I just wanted to build a relationship with her and not make it all about a baby.

 

Her response was “this is what it’s like dating someone who is 35. I’m as close to 40 as I am 30. This is what dating someone my age is like. Anyone you date at 35 is going to be wanting to have a baby”

 

This comment made me feel like I’m going to have the same experience with anyone And to leave her over this is dumb because when I move on to another 35 year old things will be the same. I’m honestly hung up on this. It makes me feel like leaving her is the wrong thing because I’ll be in the same place again with someone else next because that’s just how things are at my age

 

No, it’s not like that dating all 35 year olds.

 

She is full of crap. Stop talking to her. There’s not one reason to listen to that crap she feeds you!

 

Sure some 35 year olds may want to have a baby... but most wont ask for your sperm and to pay tens of thousands of dollars for fertility appointments.

 

Let herpayforwhat she wants. Let her get sperm from a sperm bank. Let herfindanothersucker.

 

I don’t think she cared about you - she mainly knows you have enough money.

 

Do you always allow women to walk all over you?