Dating for 4 months and she asked me for money. [Updated at 10 months]

[thr1986]

Maybe I do? I don’t know, honestly. I have felt this whole time like she has a non-negotiable health issue and I’ve just been supportive. I’ve been accepting of her having a baby on her own via IVF and I’ve been open to staying with her throughout the process. I simply didn’t agree to pay for anything (why would I? This isint my kid and she was already doing this whole thing before she even met me. It’s her personal project and then she met me in the middle of it). Yeah, it feels weird that she asked me for 

money And to be involved so early (3 

months into relationship). It’s a shame because I was taking the relationship seriously. All she had to do was just be reasonable 

[thr1986]

On 12/4/2019 at 12:33 AM, S2B said:

 

No, it’s not like that dating all 35 year olds.

 

She is full of crap. Stop talking to her. There’s not one reason to listen to that crap she feeds you!

 

Sure some 35 year olds may want to have a baby... but most wont ask for your sperm and to pay tens of thousands of dollars for fertility appointments.

 

Let herpayforwhat she wants. Let her get sperm from a sperm bank. Let herfindanothersucker.

 

I don’t think she cared about you - she mainly knows you have enough money.

 

Do you always allow women to walk all over you?

She texted me because she saw something I posted on Instagram and from the post she inferred I was seeing someone I was with prior to meeting her. She insulted the other girl in her text to me. She seemed a little jealous. I wasn’t even seeing the other girl, I told her I wasn’t. Then she said “ugh what an aweful year it was” and I said “I know honey I’m sorry”

 

why do you think she still reaches out?

In response to my message “I know honey I’m sorry” she said “are you?” Like she wants me to explain myself. -this is something she does a lot

[smackie9]

She's still manipulating you huh. It's all about control and being in control. She's fishing to see if you still want her, for her own ego boost, and possibly you caving in to her demands for the money. People like that can be psychopaths and manipulation, conning is their game to get what they want. I'm not sure why you still let yourself be contacted by her. Be done with it, block, delete, go no contact so you can have peace. The thread is 15 pages long. You should move on with your life...it's ok to let go.

[kendahke]

4 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

why do you think she still reaches out?

 

Because you do stuff like this:

Quote

I said “I know honey I’m sorry”

 

Translation to her: I'm open to you manipulating me. That's why she's reaching out.

 

You're never going to be sorry enough to her satisfaction, no matter how reasonably well your apology sounds to you. That is what her whole approach is predicated upon now. If you give her an audience, she's going hard in the paint. It's up to you whether or not you want to deal with manipulation---just like it's up to you to begin dating other women and it never being any of her damb business.  Your friend should report her to the state licensing board. Hope she took a screen shot.

Quote

-this is something she does a lot

also to answer your question: you're apparently talking to her a lot, if she's doing this a lot.

[thr1986]

6 hours ago, kendahke said:

 

Because you do stuff like this:

 

Translation to her: I'm open to you manipulating me. That's why she's reaching out.

 

You're never going to be sorry enough to her satisfaction, no matter how reasonably well your apology sounds to you. That is what her whole approach is predicated upon now. If you give her an audience, she's going hard in the paint. It's up to you whether or not you want to deal with manipulation---just like it's up to you to begin dating other women and it never being any of her damb business.  Your friend should report her to the state licensing board. Hope she took a screen shot.

also to answer your question: you're apparently talking to her a lot, if she's doing this a lot.

I was so reasonable with her. Even just being open to dating someone who is trying to get pregnant via IVF on the side is inherently being reasonable. I was Ok with it and was supportive. The ONLY thing I didn’t do was agree to give her money. She accepted that. But then everything became about how things would be in our family. If I would pay for her future kid or if I would make her support him. She clearly was trying to put me in a place where I would agree to support her and her baby after I didn’t offer to pay for the ivf. She wanted me to sign as the baby’s father. All of which is just unreasonable after knowing someone for 3 to 5 months. I’m a good man with a big heart and was loving and caring to her. She loved to make me feel like I was falling short by not buying enough or something so I would strive to do more. How can someone be so manipulative to someone who is clearly just showing up with a loving heart and a desire to care for her. 
 

then she would always accuse me of cheating or think I was cheating. She went through my phone once. She was so paranoid that I was cheating on her- when I genuinely never did. It’s just unbelievable. I feel like I made things so Easy. I loved her, we always stayed at her apartment, we always did what she wanted to do, we ordered what she wanted to eat, etc. I was always just happy being there with her and she made it so damn difficult. I was ok with her having a baby. All I did was just not agree to pay for it which is totally reasonable. But she was passive aggressive about that. And I knew if the baby actually came, when it was there the passive aggressiveness would just get worse. I just wanted fair and reasonable love back from her. The same reasonable love I was giving her 

[smackie9]

Just goes to show you what her agenda was. She thought for sure she had reeled you in enough to get what she wanted....then it backfired on her, so she went into a higher level of manipulation to try and  change your mind....that's why things got worse.

[fishlips]

She will never leave you alone if you keep talking to her. Block her, and move on. There are plenty of other women out there, even women her age, who won't see you as a money tree. But you'll never meet that special women if you keep wasting time on this one.

[thr1986]

I’m going to start dating again soon. It’s just hard for some reason right now. I can’t get my head into the mindset yet. She still texts me and I can’t find the heart in me to block her. When she plays a victim I just can’t resist to help her feel better. I get it. It’s a manipulation. I just need to block- everyone is right. I wanted everything her and I had to be real so badly that I’m just struggling to let go. 
 

When you realize someone was maybe using you it just gives you this bad feeling that makes you feel devalued. Like- in my mind I loved her and she was good enough. I wanted her. But in her mind, I wonder if I was good enough and if she actually loved me. I guess I’ll never know. If I confront her on this topic we all know what she will do- overreact and flip out that I’m even considering of accusing her of that. 
 

I need to move on. It’s just so hard for me to let go right now. Letting go of it is letting go of the entire fantasy. It’s sobering. I miss a lot about her and the feelings we had together. I am so happy that she included me in on her attempt to have a baby. She came to my work and we listened on the phone together outside as her doctor told her she successfully became pregnant (which later miscarried). Her FIRST reaction upon hanging up the phone from that call was to look at me and ask me if we were alright. Like she was worried I wouldn’t be ok with her now being pregnant. I just miss the good stuff. It’s tough letting go.

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, thr1986 said:

I’m going to start dating again soon. It’s just hard for some reason right now. I can’t get my head into the mindset yet. She still texts me and I can’t find the heart in me to block her. When she plays a victim I just can’t resist to help her feel better. I get it. It’s a manipulation. I just need to block- everyone is right. I wanted everything her and I had to be real so badly that I’m just struggling to let go. 

Listen, it's been almost a year now--if you were really well and truly done with her, blocking her and moving on wouldn't' need a declaration to us that you're doing it--you'd have done it and moved on. What you and she had was real--it wasn't the kind of "real" that you expected (expectations are future resentments under construction).

 

For some reason, you don't want to move on. All of your subsequent posts since September make that clear--so the best thing to do, since you can't bring yourself to act in your own best interests, is to quit fighting this, get out of high dudgeon, break out your wallet and backroll her baby--that way you get to keep her, you can keep this construct you insist on investing in, you get to pay for her folly and she's happy until the next thing she wants out of you.

 

Just pay for it already since you can't seem to leave her alone.

[thr1986]

There is definitely no scenario where she was being genuine and honest and feeling normal healthy feelings when she asked me to create an embryo and help pay for it at 3 months of knowing me right?? 
 

im sorry. The support here really helps me and I’m clearly still struggling. Kind replies are greatly appreciated 

[healing light]

On 12/3/2019 at 6:21 PM, thr1986 said:

Her response was “this is what it’s like dating someone who is 35. I’m as close to 40 as I am 30. This is what dating someone my age is like. Anyone you date at 35 is going to be wanting to have a baby”

 

I have not quite reached the end of your thread yet, but I just got to this part.

 

This is all or nothing thinking, very black and white coming from anyone, let alone a psychoanalyst. This is NOT true.

 

I'm 34. No desire to become a baby factory. It would really depend on the quality of the relationship with the man I'm with, but for the most part, I'm neutral about kids and lean toward not wanting them. It would take someone spectacular for me to think about becoming a mother any time soon. Basically, I would only consider having children in the context of a loving relationship if I felt the man would be a great father and we could provide the child with stability and a warm home. Even then, it's a "maybe" for me. 

 

I know I'm not alone in this sentiment.

[Marc878]

Unfortunately you are keeping yourself in this.

 

why? 

[Versacehottie]

20 hours ago, thr1986 said:

There is definitely no scenario where she was being genuine and honest and feeling normal healthy feelings when she asked me to create an embryo and help pay for it at 3 months of knowing me right?? 
 

im sorry. The support here really helps me and I’m clearly still struggling. Kind replies are greatly appreciated 

I really wish something we have said here would serve as a wakeup call. I personally have tried to say it several ways--doesn't seem like any of us are really getting through to you though.  You ALSO are seeing this in black and white terms and that is probably one reason you keep churning it over and over in your head and on this thread.  How many ways and times are you going to ask this same question?? 

 

By the way, i say that basically not for the annoyance or disappointment that you are stuck in this loop (well, not only lol) but basically you searching for black and white answers, like she has to 100% be a bad person, dishonest and you 100% have to be dupable and lame to have fallen for it.  Going to guess that as much as most of us see a manipulative person in her (and a sort of weakness in you) that it is not 100% anything.  Life is shades of grey.  She could have really been in love with you IN HER WAY AND be manipulative of you.  It doesn't have to be an EITHER/OR thing.  Think of it like on a spectrum of how people can be with one end is 100% dishonest manipulator and the other 100% genuine loving person with your best interests at heart. She can be a little of both, of course, without being pushed all the way to one side or another.  

 

Don't get excited.  I have a feeling you keep asking this question because you want to latch onto something one of us says as a justification for allowing her into your life again or at very least to make things right in your brain and ego that you were not used.  It's a multi-layered answer which I highly doubt you will ever get to the bottom of.  You just need to find the power within you to ACCEPT things as they are.  I highly suspect you need this answer because you get and need outside validation and without feeling that she truly loved you at one point, you feel worthless and unworthy and your ego is devastated.  It's a vicious cycle because part of the reason, undoubtedly, is that she took advantage of you, because you are vulnerable since you get your personal validation from outside sources.  And so on and so forth, it keeps going.

 

To me, obviously she is pushed on the spectrum, way close to the manipulator-user side.  Does that mean she never loved you? No, not at all. It means IMO that she is someone who has a hard time putting the needs of others close to her anywhere near her own---yours will be so far down the list it isn't even funny.  Farther down the list than possible strangers, because she does not know what opportunity they present--whereas with you, she knows and can/will manipulate.  You are a means to an end and that is just how some people operate (you need to understand that and i'm not sure why you are not accepting this).  In other words, the majority of it, is just how she is--has nothing to do with you--nothing bad, nothing good--you just got caught in her web.  I think her antics come about because she was close to getting what she wanted in this case (a baby, a future).  Your reluctance meant the loss of something she wants and thought she had all lined up.  She probably thought/thinks of it as just a challenge that she has to work harder on and that's why you are seeing her come at you a variety of ways (love, anger, mind-playing).  You represent her almost getting what she wants.  She's still trying to get it.  I can't believe you aren't totally turned off forever realizing if you ended up with her in any way, she will just push and push every time to get what she wants.  Right now it's a baby and your support for the baby.  If you stay together, and she gets the baby, it will then morph into her next goal. You are a tool--it's not a balanced relationship.  Her handling of you has shown you her intentions and her MO in life.  Don't know why you want to keep ignoring it by searching for one arbitrary pinpointed answer (impossible to define or get an accurate answer). I think she's in top percentiles in terms of manipulation--does it mean she didn't love you at one point? no.  You should be more concerned with how and the only way in a year that she has shown you how she shows "love" for you.  Literally awful.  It will never be balanced.  (*and as you can see I hate talking in absolutes but I feel confident about that one.) 

 

FIND A WAY TO MOVE ON.

[kendahke]

On 12/3/2019 at 9:21 PM, thr1986 said:

Her response was “this is what it’s like dating someone who is 35. I’m as close to 40 as I am 30. This is what dating someone my age is like. Anyone you date at 35 is going to be wanting to have a baby”

 

Not even hardly...

When I was 35,  I had already had my tubes tied after the one child I had at 23.

Not every woman is baby crazy

Edited December 27, 2019 by kendahke

[Versacehottie]

Oh I would also say multi-layered because you seem to want to pinpoint a point in time as to genuineness, real love but you can't take time, timing, fluidity out of the equation.  She is likely one of those people who are on "good" behavior, best foot forward at the beginning--in your case first three months.  Doesn't that mean she had "bad" intentions since day one? No.  Her intentions are good from her point of view and morph over time.  They are good as in she wants a baby--nothing wrong with that.  She meets you and it goes well as it does for people in first months, which solidifies her thought that you could be a part of and conduit for her dream, her goals.  Then she seeks to lock it down.  In the meantime by the way, you could have been so swept up and lovebombing her that she thought she was in line with such requests.  So it could be a mistake on both your ends.  It's all evolving over time and you can't go back in time, ie the request itself changed the nature of your relationship forever and you start from a new point of knowledge about this person, her wishes, your reluctance.  You cannot separate that from time--it's now a part of the relationship.  A relationship is not only that initial bond and good feelings; it's how you work through problems and come to compromises. IMO, if you don't have that it will be a bumpy road.  She is showing you how she works through problems and does not compromise.  Are you paying attention?

[thr1986]

What is wrong with me? i just cant shake this woman. We didnt talk for a few weeks and then she saw something i posted on instagram which led her to believe i was hanging out with a girl i used to see before her (i wasnt with that girl) - so she texted me. now since then we have spoken on the phone once. prior to us speaking on the phone she would text me sometimes and would always answer right away if i texted her. now that we spent some time talking on the phone and i did admit to her that i missed her and that i was having trouble with everything - she never responds when i text. or at least waits several hours. i guess a tactic to reel me back in.

 

anyways. im still struggling and i dont know why. when im out with friends i cant get into the mindset to meet a new woman. i just dont really want to for some reason. i'm always thinking about her. i really am. she sent me a song to listen to two days ago and i keep listening to it over and over. im just stuck in this feeling like i love her and i dont want to walk away. like im in limbo and i feel like i should go back and be with her. i know it sounds dumb after everything everyone has said on her and you all are so supportive. youre really my only support so thank you for that. youre helping. im just voicing my feelings right now.

[BaileyB]

Only because I have forgotten - do you have a counsellor? I ask only because it’s clear to me that you have some issues that would really be helped by working with a good counsellor...

[preraph]

Predators prey on the weak.  She will eventually gobble you and your money up if you don't block her.  You're being crazy about this, absolutely crazy.  All she wants from you is money and lots of it and forever.  You believe all her manipulations because you WANT to.  She's a completely nutso unreasonable person to make these demands of anybody.  You really need ice thrown on you.

[mortensorchid]

Whoa.  This is a situation and a half!

My question is to you : How do you feel about her?  If this is, in fact, the woman you are going to spend the rest of your life with, then by all means go in on this.  If she is not, then don't.  You have been together for barely 4 months, you are in the infatuation stage now and that is going to wear off after 6-9 months.  When it does, you better like this person.  Not love, just LIKE them.  And if you don't, you're in trouble.  And if you bring a kid into this, you are REALLY in trouble.  Did you know about this before you met her?  Because there are some women out there, I have found out, who could care less about who the Baby Daddy is or isn't, as long as they have a baby is what they want.  And in some cases, as I'm sure you know, some women get pregnant on the sly / on purpose to trap the man they are with thinking this guy is the one they want when, in fact, they don't.  This is permanent, you can't give the baby back if you don't want it either.  

This is not a simple situation by any means.  If the answer is no, then you must end things.  If the answer is yes, then go forth with this.  

[thr1986]

i hear you. i really do and everything makes sense that you all are saying. im completely capable of seeing and agreeing with you. her and i just fell so fast for one another. she invited me upstate to a cabin in the second month of knowing her and we spent that weekend together. thats when we first said we love one another. shortly after is when she told me about her genetic problem and how shes going to be menapausal early and explained what she was doing as far as transferring an embryo and trying to become pregnant on her own. i already loved her so i felt bad and wanted to help her. then in january (month three) was when she said she was thinking about trying to harvest eggs again and she wanted to see if i would be interested in creating an embryo with her because it would be our last chance probably to ever do it -  said ok - she explained that she wouldnt be able to transfer it without my consent and that if we didnt work out or something like that down the line it would just be thrown out- it seemed so reasonable. but then when she said she wanted me to be part of it in a financial way and help pay for it i felt weird. it felt like such a huge ask at that point in our relationship - three months of dating (granted it was three unusually romantic and seemingly love forever).

then months later after struggle with splitting everyday finances and stuff just dating one another (for example if we went out to dinner with a group of people and everyone was paying for the check by putting their cards down, if i asked her to just put hers down and i didnt pick up our check - she would get mad). it seems reasonable that we could split meals and stuff since were basically eating every meal together and spending every single night together. i still took her on dates of course. i donno....the money stuff just always seemed like more work that it should have been.

anyways, now months later that i have left her because of everything - when i think back about the big ask regarding the embryo and the financial support i just wonder if im being too hard and not being understanding with her. i mean, she does technically have this disorder and she is definitly becoming menapausal. if i were to talk about getting back together with her, there is the slightest little feeling in my mind that she would potentially be dangerous to me in the long run. she has been divorced once already. i do worry if maybe she would marry me (she was always pushing us getting married- she said she was ready whenever i would ask) and then she would divorce me after a couple of years and just take money from me. but then maybe im being crazy and paranoid?? i could say that about any girl right?

[thr1986]

39 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

Whoa.  This is a situation and a half!

My question is to you : How do you feel about her?  If this is, in fact, the woman you are going to spend the rest of your life with, then by all means go in on this.  If she is not, then don't.  You have been together for barely 4 months, you are in the infatuation stage now and that is going to wear off after 6-9 months.  When it does, you better like this person.  Not love, just LIKE them.  And if you don't, you're in trouble.  And if you bring a kid into this, you are REALLY in trouble.  Did you know about this before you met her?  Because there are some women out there, I have found out, who could care less about who the Baby Daddy is or isn't, as long as they have a baby is what they want.  And in some cases, as I'm sure you know, some women get pregnant on the sly / on purpose to trap the man they are with thinking this guy is the one they want when, in fact, they don't.  This is permanent, you can't give the baby back if you don't want it either.  

This is not a simple situation by any means.  If the answer is no, then you must end things.  If the answer is yes, then go forth with this.  

regarding how i feel about her. i love her and im happy spending time with her. i love spending every night with her and waking up with her. i love the lifestyle we had together. i love the things we did together and i never got bored of her. i really like spending time with her. HOWEVER - im paranoid now about this baby situation being a tactic on her end to get money from me. it makes me question if her feelings were real and it makes me worry. so, im stuck in the middle. stuck wondering if shes dangerous and i need to stay away while also feeling like i love her and i want to just be with her. cant i just have her without this baby stuff? cant her and i just have a relationship with one another for one another and figure out the baby stuff when we get married/when the time comes. sure were 33/35 years old but shes already infertile anyways. cant we just be with one another because we love one another and just let that flourish?

[preraph]

She's a bald-faced golddigger.  

[Snow_Queen]

6 hours ago, thr1986 said:

cant we just be with one another because we love one another and just let that flourish?

No, you can’t because she only wants a baby and your financial support.

[thr1986]

Everything seemed so genuine though. Outside of that one inquiry, which she never asked of me again- she seemed genuine. Sure, she did try to ask me to be the baby’s father and she pushed marriage and everything. I guess I’m just blind to it all. A normal woman probably wouldn’t have pushed marriage or anything in under 6-8 months. 

[thr1986]

I just keep telling myself that the marriage pressure and the baby father thing was because she wanted me to have a defined place in the relationship when she was expecting the baby. That’s what she says anyways.