Dating for 4 months and she asked me for money. [Updated at 10 months]

[Ellener]

On 12/16/2019 at 1:27 PM, thr1986 said:

I just miss the good stuff. It’s tough letting go.

Of course it is, but you know, babies aren't just a few cells for long, it's at least twenty years of feeling responsible for another human's first off every need then subsequently long term wellbeing. And being tied to the other parent even if that's already miserable.

You can fulfill that nurturing part of yourself numerous other ways, become a big brother/sister to a child for example here in America.

[Kaarek]

That's how most people screw their lives after a short period of time. 

This is not a question of money but mainly of long-term vision, I wouldn't get that involved so quickly with someone after only 4 months but that's your personal choice either way one of the things you should always do is listen to your guts, they're never wrong.

[thr1986]

My gut, in that moment back the which as almost a year ago now, felt very strange. My feeling in the moment was “how can she possibly even be so sure of me at this point to want to involve me- it’s only been 4 months”

 

but then when I address the situation with her in conversation she always makes it seem like it’s understandable. She says things like “I’m embarrassed I even asked you. I love you and loved you and felt my time was limited (which is true) and most people may feel honored”. 
 

We briefly broke up in July (Broke up for a week)  and when we got back together, a big part of our conversation was her wanting to know that we were going to be on track for marriage and when we got married how the finances would be setup. She would accuse me of being stingy with my money and wanted to know if we would combine incomes and how we would function as a family if/when we got married.

[Gr8fuln2020]

2 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

My gut, in that moment back the which as almost a year ago now, felt very strange. My feeling in the moment was “how can she possibly even be so sure of me at this point to want to involve me- it’s only been 4 months”

 

but then when I address the situation with her in conversation she always makes it seem like it’s understandable. She says things like “I’m embarrassed I even asked you. I love you and loved you and felt my time was limited (which is true) and most people may feel honored”. 
 

We briefly broke up in July (Broke up for a week)  and when we got back together, a big part of our conversation was her wanting to know that we were going to be on track for marriage and when we got married how the finances would be setup. She would accuse me of being stingy with my money and wanted to know if we would combine incomes and how we would function as a family if/when we got married.

Sorry. More "danger Will Robinson!" moments here.

You should feel honored? Right. 🙄 Because she just asked you to invest 10s of thousands of dollars after 4 months of dating? Not in my book...

Why did you break up and why did you get back together? Marriage already? After a few months of dating and talk about limited time to have children, investing in thousands? Stingy? Combined accounts? Whoah! Any independent woman, in my mind, should be comfortable with separate. Is she planning on being a SAHM as well? Sorry, but too much I would not consider.

[Versacehottie]

30 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

My gut, in that moment back the which as almost a year ago now, felt very strange. My feeling in the moment was “how can she possibly even be so sure of me at this point to want to involve me- it’s only been 4 months”

 

but then when I address the situation with her in conversation she always makes it seem like it’s understandable. She says things like “I’m embarrassed I even asked you. I love you and loved you and felt my time was limited (which is true) and most people may feel honored”. 
 

We briefly broke up in July (Broke up for a week)  and when we got back together, a big part of our conversation was her wanting to know that we were going to be on track for marriage and when we got married how the finances would be setup. She would accuse me of being stingy with my money and wanted to know if we would combine incomes and how we would function as a family if/when we got married.

Honestly, if you are not going to ask and answer yourself about WHY you keep harping on this and "re-doing" the past in your head, I will ask: why are you going over and over something that happened months ago and supposedly is a done deal, according to you????

My honest opinion is that she is a obviously a golddigger/interested in your money.  That said, I think you are tight with it and that's why you question everything.  People can be tight with their money even if they have plenty.  Also if you "lead" with your money, but then want to question if people have a genuine interest in you, you are often setting yourself up for failure.  There is a whiff of, at least at one point, you two deserved each other: leads with money, looking for money.  However, you are hopelessly incompatible.  You are worried about splitting the cost of a SIMPLE DINNER (!!!) while living a big life in NYC supposedly and she is looking for a sponsor for her and a kid for the kid's lifetime after virtually no investment/genuine investment in you. SMH.  As wrong as she may be for the things she is, why are you even contemplating anything about her when you are so wildly far apart?  There are problems with both of you, honestly.  Sorry. What sort of wake up call do you need?  I will keep trying

Edited January 1, 2020 by Versacehottie

[thr1986]

I broke up with her because I just felt like she was being too difficult. We were splitting most of our meals and daily activity expenses , basically living together, and she would every so often get into a “mood” and sort of give me the silent treatment. This would spark me to engage her and ask her what’s wrong. At this point she typically would have me chase her and try and “fix” whatever was wrong. And usually eventually she would say that she felt like I was nickel and diming her by us splitting everything exactly down the middle.

 

typically I would just say why is this such a big deal? It’s not worth fighting about. It just always felt like she would have some sort of problem bubble up every so often and then I would be the one stuck trying to fix it and usually I was apologizing for something that I never even did. That’s why we broke up in July. Then we got back together because I felt like maybe I was being unreasonable and it was something we could talk through. She suggested we go to couples therapy. So we got back together, never did couples therapy, but I did see a therapist on my own at her request. 
 

then we broke up for good a couple of months later in September after she tried to transfer the embryo and it didn’t work and then things got really difficult. She got angry at me for example for going on a weekend trip with one of my friends to a football game out of state. She was mad about that because she felt I was prioritizing my money wrong- spending money on a trip with him when we didn’t go on a trip together earlier in the year because I wanted to save some money. I just felt like It was too hard and she was making problems out of everything 

[Versacehottie]

1 minute ago, thr1986 said:

I broke up with her because I just felt like she was being too difficult. We were splitting most of our meals and daily activity expenses , basically living together, and she would every so often get into a “mood” and sort of give me the silent treatment. This would spark me to engage her and ask her what’s wrong. At this point she typically would have me chase her and try and “fix” whatever was wrong. And usually eventually she would say that she felt like I was nickel and diming her by us splitting everything exactly down the middle.

Sorry, i would agree with this bolded.  Reading between the lines (and if you can manage to escape the outrageousness of her asking you to pay for her baby), it sounds like you were absolutely nickel and dimeing the relationship. Guessing that both of you love bombed each other and she saw a means to her end and the facade of who you are financially came down a few months in.  She was looking for a meal ticket and you are the OPPOSITE of that.  Not defending her insatiable need for a meal ticket, however, why were you nickel and dimeing a girlfriend you felt so serious and chivalrous about--honestly, you've got to be real with yourself about how you are too.  She could have been on an accelerated schedule about where she saw the relationship going (ie baby, marriage) and you as well. but if you were really all in emotionally and saw her as your future why were you counting things so evenly if you have the means and she does not.  It's unbalanced of you as well.  For the record, i think it's much too fast and very unrealistic and bad motives on her part and some messed up thinking on yours.  But still--don't you see how out of whack that is?  You are wanting to split the cost your your morning starbucks and this chick thinks she's going to have a baby with you for life??!>>! WTF.  No one did that out of the blue.  Something you were doing lead her to believe there was "some" possibility of that and you have been whining about this relationship for longer than you were officially together---leading me to believe that you also indicated some sort of big future to her early on.  

[thr1986]

I think I just started to feel like she was using me so I wanted to split things. We weren’t actually splitting things even. Just alternating on paying 

[thr1986]

Wait, do you think I was the problem now and I left for bad reason

[Gr8fuln2020]

5 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

I think I just started to feel like she was using me so I wanted to split things. We weren’t actually splitting things even. Just alternating on paying 

I agree to much of what versacehottie has shared. Have you been moving forward on this relationship knowing what you have known? Are you now nickel and diming because this is who you really are or is this truly because you feel concerned about where this is going?  You are in a difficult place. This new relationship involves a very large financial component that you do not feel comfortable about and rightfully so. I cut the lady I dated the day or two after I discovered her desire to augment her breasts and her reaction after I made it clear that this was her own, independent endeavor.

I need clarification. Did I miss something, but you say that eggs transfer failed? Have you already helped pay for the egg storage? Sorry if I missed an earlier post regarding this.

[Versacehottie]

8 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

Wait, do you think I was the problem now and I left for bad reason

No, I think it was majority on her, but you aren't innocent in this as far as how you conducted yourself within the relationship.  There are problematic things that you do is what I'm saying.  Leaving it was a good thing cause at least you addressed the incompatibilities.  Yet here you are again conducting yourself poorly half-in, half-out of the relationship.  You are not serving yourself well at all--let alone what she probably has to say about this half-in, half-out business.

Bottom line, it's 2020, do you want to get over this or keep re-living and re-living it?

[Versacehottie]

14 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

I think I just started to feel like she was using me so I wanted to split things. We weren’t actually splitting things even. Just alternating on paying 

Ok, let's assume:

*She wasn't using you: you keep punishing her and act really stingy (not talking about the actual dollars and cents but the vibe you were giving)=not good.  Also it looks like you never got enough clarification that this wasn't the case.

*Or you conclude, she WAS using you: then why are you still messing around with this mess of a woman?

Again, personal responsibility: take some.

[thr1986]

Now I’m just wondering if I left someone I loved for bad reason. Like maybe her requests were reasonable and she loved me and wanted a long term relationship with me 

[salparadise]

22 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

Like maybe her requests were reasonable and she loved me and wanted a long term relationship with me 

 

She mostly wanted a long-term relationship with your money. She had her own agenda, one that had little to do with you personally and uniquely (anyone with a fat wallet will do). She didn't care who fathered that baby, she just wanted one, and wanted someone (like you) to finance it. And when it became apparent that wasn't happening, she became dissatisfied because you weren't footing all the bills for day-to-day living. She's one of those with an entitlement mentality, who thinks that because she has the vagina and you don't that she ought to get a free ride.

I think you should feel just fine ending it. You refused to be used as her personal ATM, and you held onto your dignity and self respect. If someone loves you for who you are, cash flow in one direction only is not a requirement. You are worthy. You don't need to finance anyone's agenda or lifestyle to prove it. Hold you head high and proceed with confidence.

Edited January 1, 2020 by salparadise

[thr1986]

I’m just a mess today. I can’t stop crying. I’m a 33 year old man for gods sake. Why am I so sensitive. She sent me these song lyrics yesterday that read:

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away

They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away
 

then I texted her later that evening and told her I was thinking about her (because I was) and she doesn’t answer me. Then she texted me happy new year in the middle of the night and then today I’ve texted her a few times and she’s just ignoring me. She sends me these emotional messages via song lyrics and then when I react by supporting it and saying I feel that way too she disappears 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, thr1986 said:

Now I’m just wondering if I left someone I loved for bad reason. Like maybe her requests were reasonable and she loved me and wanted a long term relationship with me 

ugh, really??? what are you not getting from how i reply? why do you only latch onto reasons to contact her, stay in touch, put her on a pedestal and doubt yourself?

That is not what I was saying at all.  Can you only process black and white information?  She is a villain, therefore you can do no wrong?  You did wrong, therefore she is no villain?  Your wrong was not the downfall of the relationship. It's just something you should work on going forward and perhaps to see YOURSELF more clearly.  If she loved you and had no ulterior motives, the fact that you were cheap or protective with your money, would not have been an issue.  The fact that it broke you guys, speaks to her motives.  That's the overlying issue.

With the crying and ripping yourself to shreds and being overly emotional over someone that is making a money grab for your heartstrings with song lyrics, again I echo, why are you not in consistent counseling?  You need it, my friend.  You need coping strategies.

Edited January 1, 2020 by Versacehottie

[thr1986]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

And those are the reasons why it would ONLY make sense to NEVER speak to her again.

shes a mess. She’s entitled. And she intends to use you as a father and for your money!

RUN. Stop thinking this can work. Have you been to see a counselor yet?

 

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

ugh, really??? what are you not getting from how i reply? why do you only latch onto reasons to contact her, stay in touch, put her on a pedestal and doubt yourself?

That is not what I was saying at all.  Can you only process black and white information?  She is a villain, therefore you can do no wrong?  You did wrong, therefore she is no villain?  Your wrong was not the downfall of the relationship. It's just something you should work on going forward and perhaps to see YOURSELF more clearly.  If she loved you and had no ulterior motives, the fact that you were cheap or protective with your money, would not have been an issue.  The fact that it broke you guys, speaks to her motives.  That's the overlying issue.

With the crying and ripping yourself to shreds and being overly emotional over someone that is making a money grab for your heartstrings with song lyrics, again I echo, why are you not in consistent counseling?  You need it, my friend.  You need coping strategies.

I havent been to a counsler yet on any consistent basis. my work schedule is impossible- but im working to find an hour a week where i can visit one. Why do you guys think she sends me these song lyrics yesterday and then today when i text her identifying with the lyrics and try to communicate with her she ignores me??its so frustrating. its like one moment she loves me and cant get over me and then now shes ignoring me

[thr1986]

it just sucks. im on vacation with my family and this is all i can think about. we went weeks without contact and during that time if i texted her she would respond right away but now that we have initiated contact again and ive told her that i want to talk to her and it seems like im interested again she plays hard to get and ignores me. how do you have a relationship with someone like this.

 

[Versacehottie]

You are prioritizing contact with her and holding onto any thing with her versus yourself and moving forward.  The first step to feeling better is that you act proactive about your life and not leave what happens to you up to anyone but yourself.  What path are you going to take?  You said (and it is abundantly clear here from everyone!) that you don't want to continue a relationship with her.  Then why are you doing anything but moving on alone?  You picked the path WITHOUT her--mainly because you have enough information to know "being with her" is not the path you want based on her terms which she is not budging on.  You guys both are doing some hot/cold manipulative dance, though you are being manipulated so much more.  Why does it matter what she is going for with those texts?  She is an emo, manipulative woman who still thinks she can change your mind and will put in just enough effort to put you on the back burner.  She does IT because it is WORKING, pure and simple.  She gives you a little something and you come running like a puppy dog.  Honestly, talk to your parents if you are with them. I don't see how any family member would want this woman in your life or their lives.  They would help you.  

[Gr8fuln2020]

19 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

it just sucks. im on vacation with my family and this is all i can think about. we went weeks without contact and during that time if i texted her she would respond right away but now that we have initiated contact again and ive told her that i want to talk to her and it seems like im interested again she plays hard to get and ignores me. how do you have a relationship with someone like this.

 

You don't. She is emotionally manipulating you.

By the way... "I can’t stop crying. I’m a 33 year old man for gods sake. Why am I so sensitive." Absolutely nothing wrong with this. Men who are incapable of such sentiment, expression are damaged. What is important, is what you do now.

[thr1986]

22 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

You don't. She is emotionally manipulating you.

By the way... "I can’t stop crying. I’m a 33 year old man for gods sake. Why am I so sensitive." Absolutely nothing wrong with this. Men who are incapable of such sentiment, expression are damaged. What is important, is what you do now.

I spoke to her last night and told her I wanted to work things out. She said “ok” like she’s in agreement that we could talk. Now today she’s just throwing all these things at me that she said I did wrong. Yelling at me for leaving when I did. Saying I abandoned her when she was grieving after she miscarried. I keep apologizing and telling her I love her and I want to fix things. She doesn’t acknowledge it and just puts more out there that I did wrong. I think she’s going to agree to get together and talk in person 

[preraph]

Get out the checkbook.  That's all she wants.

[Gr8fuln2020]

45 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

I spoke to her last night and told her I wanted to work things out. She said “ok” like she’s in agreement that we could talk. Now today she’s just throwing all these things at me that she said I did wrong. Yelling at me for leaving when I did. Saying I abandoned her when she was grieving after she miscarried. I keep apologizing and telling her I love her and I want to fix things. She doesn’t acknowledge it and just puts more out there that I did wrong. I think she’s going to agree to get together and talk in person 

I am sorry, but she used the word 'miscarried?' I am confused. Either she doesn't know what that means or .... Nope. She doesn't know what that means or she is really pounding the guilt on you. She is a manipulator! Her eggs failed to transport, correct? She was not pregnant, correct? There was no miscarriage.

[balletomane]

I'm not sure this thread is helping you. You're not discussing her here in order to help yourself make good choices and move out of a painful situation; you're posting here as a way of obsessing about her. This is why you keep asking the same questions again and again (were you right to break up with her, is there any chance she was genuine, etc., etc.). People have given their answers and you are not suddenly going to get different ones.

You were uneasy at her asking for so much money so early on (rightly so). But at a very early stage, you were telling her you loved her and talking about marriage. Now you look back to that time as good, a sign of your mutual love, and wonder why you can't have it back. Here's the thing: it isn't possible to know if you love someone and want to share a life with someone that early on. It just isn't. No matter how much you enjoy someone's company, no matter how well you click in conversation, no matter how many values you appear to share or how attractive you find them - you need longer than a couple of months to figure out whether this is someone you could live with for decades. This applies even if the person you're with isn't asking for huge sums of money and for you to commit to being a parent with them. You've got fixated on a fairytale romance that never existed. Even those weeks that you're remembering as wonderful were filled with worry and doubt over the money and the IVF. There has never been a point where things have been remotely stable or healthy for you two, so there's nothing to fix - it isn't that you had a good thing and it went wrong, it's been bad and messed up from the beginning. So what are you really gaining from this? Why do you stay?

[thr1986]

11 hours ago, balletomane said:

I'm not sure this thread is helping you. You're not discussing her here in order to help yourself make good choices and move out of a painful situation; you're posting here as a way of obsessing about her. This is why you keep asking the same questions again and again (were you right to break up with her, is there any chance she was genuine, etc., etc.). People have given their answers and you are not suddenly going to get different ones

I don’t know. The therapist I saw asked me “have you ever had a healthy relationship”. He obviously was thinking that because he suspects I never have. Maybe I don’t know what that looks like so I don’t know how to feel this is wrong. I’m 33. There’s nothing wrong with me, I don’t think. I don’t get why I struggle like this. I have so much love to give. I’m getting so tired of struggling. I just can’t do it much longer 

Edited January 3, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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