Author thr1986 Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 22 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: You don't. She is emotionally manipulating you. By the way... "I can’t stop crying. I’m a 33 year old man for gods sake. Why am I so sensitive." Absolutely nothing wrong with this. Men who are incapable of such sentiment, expression are damaged. What is important, is what you do now. I spoke to her last night and told her I wanted to work things out. She said “ok” like she’s in agreement that we could talk. Now today she’s just throwing all these things at me that she said I did wrong. Yelling at me for leaving when I did. Saying I abandoned her when she was grieving after she miscarried. I keep apologizing and telling her I love her and I want to fix things. She doesn’t acknowledge it and just puts more out there that I did wrong. I think she’s going to agree to get together and talk in person 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Get out the checkbook. That's all she wants. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 45 minutes ago, thr1986 said: I spoke to her last night and told her I wanted to work things out. She said “ok” like she’s in agreement that we could talk. Now today she’s just throwing all these things at me that she said I did wrong. Yelling at me for leaving when I did. Saying I abandoned her when she was grieving after she miscarried. I keep apologizing and telling her I love her and I want to fix things. She doesn’t acknowledge it and just puts more out there that I did wrong. I think she’s going to agree to get together and talk in person I am sorry, but she used the word 'miscarried?' I am confused. Either she doesn't know what that means or .... Nope. She doesn't know what that means or she is really pounding the guilt on you. She is a manipulator! Her eggs failed to transport, correct? She was not pregnant, correct? There was no miscarriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 When you stop all contact with her and prioritize professional help - that’s when you will make progress. you made time for a vacation. You make time to eat a meal every day - you can certainly carve out an hour every week with a professional for your own mental well being. If needed take your meal and eat it while in the therapy session. BTW, when anyone prioritizes any dr appt - they make it to the office every time. Stop making excuses - you need desperately to learn about your self and why you keep going back to her when it’s completely obvious she ONLY intends to use you. why does it stroke your ego that she wants you for your money? It’s offensive! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
balletomane Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 I'm not sure this thread is helping you. You're not discussing her here in order to help yourself make good choices and move out of a painful situation; you're posting here as a way of obsessing about her. This is why you keep asking the same questions again and again (were you right to break up with her, is there any chance she was genuine, etc., etc.). People have given their answers and you are not suddenly going to get different ones. You were uneasy at her asking for so much money so early on (rightly so). But at a very early stage, you were telling her you loved her and talking about marriage. Now you look back to that time as good, a sign of your mutual love, and wonder why you can't have it back. Here's the thing: it isn't possible to know if you love someone and want to share a life with someone that early on. It just isn't. No matter how much you enjoy someone's company, no matter how well you click in conversation, no matter how many values you appear to share or how attractive you find them - you need longer than a couple of months to figure out whether this is someone you could live with for decades. This applies even if the person you're with isn't asking for huge sums of money and for you to commit to being a parent with them. You've got fixated on a fairytale romance that never existed. Even those weeks that you're remembering as wonderful were filled with worry and doubt over the money and the IVF. There has never been a point where things have been remotely stable or healthy for you two, so there's nothing to fix - it isn't that you had a good thing and it went wrong, it's been bad and messed up from the beginning. So what are you really gaining from this? Why do you stay? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, balletomane said: I'm not sure this thread is helping you. You're not discussing her here in order to help yourself make good choices and move out of a painful situation; you're posting here as a way of obsessing about her. This is why you keep asking the same questions again and again (were you right to break up with her, is there any chance she was genuine, etc., etc.). People have given their answers and you are not suddenly going to get different ones I don’t know. The therapist I saw asked me “have you ever had a healthy relationship”. He obviously was thinking that because he suspects I never have. Maybe I don’t know what that looks like so I don’t know how to feel this is wrong. I’m 33. There’s nothing wrong with me, I don’t think. I don’t get why I struggle like this. I have so much love to give. I’m getting so tired of struggling. I just can’t do it much longer Edited January 3, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 I agree with everyone that this is one very manipulative woman. She has a way with men that sucks them in and gets them hooked, just like she has done with you. Can you not see that she is turning you into an obsessive mess? She had made you feel vulnerable. Made you feel like you owe her when you don't owe her anything. She got you feeling guilty about something that was not your problem. You are struggling to let go because of how she has made you feel. But it isn't real. It never was. You were and always will be just a walking check book to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 I haven’t actually paid for anything that she has wanted me to pay for though. She dropped the embryo inquiry and hasn’t brought it back up. I think if we were to get married she would of course have access to my money but at this point she doesn’t. Now that I have initiated conversation with her again and expressed an interest in fixing things, she won’t stop expressing things that I apparently did wrong in the relationship. She says I “wasn’t proud of her” because I didn’t introduce her to enough friends and I didn’t post enough photos of her and I on Instagram. She screenshotted my Instagram account and sent it to me as “evidence” that I didn’t post enough. Do you think she’s just trying to build up a dynamic again where I’m coming to her to try and fix things? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 All that has happened that I can really take issue with is that she asked me to create an embryo with her and help pay for it at 3.5 months of knowing me Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 What she is doing is not normal behavior. Its manipulative, calculating. She is trying to make you vulnerable so she can control you in every way. You don't post enough? What is that about? Why do want to fix things with a person like that? We can all see exactly what she is doing but you appear to be blinded by your feelings for her, and she knows it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 Just now, thr1986 said: All that has happened that I can really take issue with is that she asked me to create an embryo with her and help pay for it at 3.5 months of knowing me That's the only issue you can see? That was a giant inflated red flag that should've had you running for the hills and staying there. Now you have got back in touch she is piling on the guilt trips in order for you to drop to your knees and fulfill her every demand. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 It’s hard for me to see that. I think the reason I stay in this dynamic with her is because I’m worried I won’t find someone who I can have such an emotional connection with again. I just want a woman that I’m attracted to to spend my life with. I thought she was going to be the one. I had to leave her because things were just so difficult. She’s guilting next now for leaving her. The final week of our relationship was just miserable because she kept acting upset and distant towards me and when I would beg her to talk and fix things she would act uninterested. I just threw my hands in the air and said I can’t do it anymore Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 Now she’s guilting me for doing that because it was after she tried to transfer an embryo and she says I left her when she was grieving Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 Stop! Why are you putting up with this? She is a master manipulator that has you blinded by your feelings. Don't fall for it. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 Okay. In my head, I feel like I’ve just left her because she asked me to help her pay for IVF and create an embryo with her at 3 months and I tell myself maybe I’m being too hard and not appreciating thr situation she was in. Maybe I shouldn’t have left her over that. ive always done something wrong. I’m always trying to make up for or fix something. I wonder what her goals with me are/were? She wanted to get married so badly. Do you think she would have stayed married to me? she was married before and she said In the end they quit having sex and because of that she cheated on him and then they divorced. The guy never knew about her cheating but she said she couldn’t stay with him after that. She has always been so paranoid that I was cheating on her Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 (edited) 39 minutes ago, thr1986 said: she was married before and she said In the end they quit having sex and because of that she cheated on him. She has always been so paranoid that I was cheating on her so she monkey-branches to new men when she can't get her way with them.. she accuses you of cheating because if cheaters don't know anything else, they know how to project what they're doing onto others. No, the guilty always make the most noise. You should encourage her to open a profile here and tell us her side of this story. Edited January 3, 2020 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 Do you think she was cheating on me? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 (edited) 50 minutes ago, thr1986 said: Do you think she was cheating on me? doesn't matter what I think. What do you think, given her track record and her guilting campaign she's running on you? Edited January 3, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 Maybe the therapist is right. Maybe I don’t know what’s healthy. if we broke up and then I go back to her and want to talk is it normal for her to talk to be but then just guilt me like crazy? I’m being very sweet, apologizing and telling her I love her. if things were reversed I feel like I would just talk to her and be sweet but that’s how I am generally about most things Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 We could tell you to steer clear til we're blue in the face. But you don't seem to be listening to reason. You are refusing to see what she is really doing. 3 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 6 hours ago, thr1986 said: I think the reason I stay in this dynamic with her is because I’m worried I won’t find someone who I can have such an emotional connection with again. I just want a woman that I’m attracted to to spend my life with. I thought she was going to be the one. I'm a 43-year-old woman and just a few months ago found the man I believe is The One. He's expressed the same many times and he's initiated initial serious talks about marriage and forevermore - not outright planning yet, but gauging my feelings, which align with his. This man is everything I've been dreaming of my whole life and more. I met him on a free dating site, after we'd both been through several rounds on online dating with middling results. We have attraction through the roof, amazing sex, tons of fun enjoying dozens of shared activities, complementary life goals and views, excellent intellectual connection - we have it all Like you, I went through a lot of drama and angst in past flawed relationships trying to hold onto the shreds of what we had, and all this was out of a scarcity mentality, the fear I'd never find anything better. Let me tell you, with every relationship, it's gotten better and better, and that's because I've become healthier and more complete in who I am on my own. I've shed baggage from the past that was holding me back and attracting connections that were always slightly off. I had self-esteem issues and thought that was the best I could do, so that's what I got. 17 pages in, this thread reflects a relationship that is just full of drama, angst, sadness, and trouble. I think if you move on, you'll find far greater peace and happiness in a future relationship. Because I've expelled the doubt, self-esteem conflicts, drama, and emotional upheavals from my life, they're not at all present in my relationship. It's been full of passion and fun, but logistically pretty smooth sailing all along. This is how it's supposed to be, and when you get right with yourself, it will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 6 hours ago, thr1986 said: Now she’s guilting me for doing that because it was after she tried to transfer an embryo and she says I left her when she was grieving Okay, let me get this right. An embryo transfer???!!! So, you got her pregnant and she tried to transfer the embryo and it failed? If you are not paying for it, did she use her own money to try to transfer your and her embryo? thr1986. You are being used....used. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 1 hour ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Okay, let me get this right. An embryo transfer???!!! So, you got her pregnant and she tried to transfer the embryo and it failed? If you are not paying for it, did she use her own money to try to transfer your and her embryo? thr1986. You are being used....used. no. she was trying to become pregnant on her own and be a single mother by choice when i met her. i just happened to be around while she transferred an embryo she created with her egg and donor sperm. 3 months into our relationship, she asked me to create a new embryo with her using my sperm. also she wanted me to help her pay for the harvesting of her eggs and the creation of said embryo. i said i couldnt do that of course. this thread is about if she was feeling pressured to create an embryo with me and freeze it for later use because her time is running out (she has a genetic problem) or if she was using me and was going to have me help pay for the egg harvesting, embryo creation and then potentially leave me Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 41 minutes ago, thr1986 said: no. she was trying to become pregnant on her own and be a single mother by choice when i met her. i just happened to be around while she transferred an embryo she created with her egg and donor sperm. 3 months into our relationship, she asked me to create a new embryo with her using my sperm. also she wanted me to help her pay for the harvesting of her eggs and the creation of said embryo. i said i couldnt do that of course. this thread is about if she was feeling pressured to create an embryo with me and freeze it for later use because her time is running out (she has a genetic problem) or if she was using me and was going to have me help pay for the egg harvesting, embryo creation and then potentially leave me Ah, ok. Thanks for the clarification. I must have missed that. This doesn't change how many others are feeling. You are now the new sperm donor, but she wants you to help pay. I also wonder why a woman would want to be a single parent, in a foreign country, using donor sperm of origin of that country (I suspect)? So much is wrong with this woman... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 10 hours ago, thr1986 said: Okay. In my head, I feel like I’ve just left her because she asked me to help her pay for IVF and create an embryo with her at 3 months and I tell myself maybe I’m being too hard and not appreciating thr situation she was in. Maybe I shouldn’t have left her over that. ive always done something wrong. I’m always trying to make up for or fix something. I wonder what her goals with me are/were? She wanted to get married so badly. Do you think she would have stayed married to me? she was married before and she said In the end they quit having sex and because of that she cheated on him and then they divorced. The guy never knew about her cheating but she said she couldn’t stay with him after that. She has always been so paranoid that I was cheating on her Ya, good luck with that one. thats all I can suggest at this point. you just don’t get it, do you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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