Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) I think I’m just addicted to the attention. Having her as (even now) feeling like an ally, someone I can lean on and she leans on me. I dislike being and feeling alone. Having her love and feeling like a priority to someone - her- (even now when I know I’m not) just feels so nice and that’s what is hard about leaving and also likely why I came back. I love her company. Waking up with her in the morning. Etc is this feeling normal? This is the feeling that makes me feel like it’s wrong to leave. especially when she resolves my complaints. Then it feels like leaving is wrong how do I get past this? Edited January 10, 2020 by thr1986 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 19 minutes ago, thr1986 said: I think I’m just addicted to the attention. Having her as (even now) feeling like an ally, someone I can lean on and she leans on me. I dislike being and feeling alone. Having her love and feeling like a priority to someone - her- (even now when I know I’m not) just feels so nice and that’s what is hard about leaving and also likely why I came back. I love her company. Waking up with her in the morning. Etc is this feeling normal? This is the feeling that makes me feel like it’s wrong to leave. especially when she resolves my complaints. Then it feels like leaving is wrong how do I get past this? By going cold turkey. Don't meet her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, JTSW said: By going cold turkey. Don't meet her. Ok. i keep second guessing myself when I think back. So for example- when I convince myself maybe she was cheating. Then I remember that when we first started dating she had me get STD tested. So she must be careful right?? So how would she be cheating ? also, she always wanted me to go to couples therapy. Why do you think she wanted me to do that? Edited January 10, 2020 by thr1986 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 thr, you sound addicted. The more often you go through this cycle of on/off, together/apart, wanting/rejecting, the stronger your addiction to the highs and lows this provides. Your only way out is to go cold turkey. And yes, this will be hard -- very hard! -- for a while. But it's the only path forward. The alternative is another 22 pages and months of doubt, depression, anxiety, fear, etc. It's abundantly clear to everyone here (and I challenge you to find another thread with so many opinions, all of which are unanimous is view) and your own father that this woman and this relationship are not healthy. If your true end goal is to marry and have a happy life with a loving partner, then you need to get out of this toxic situation which has had you tied up in knots for months now. Prioritize you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 Will I find a love again that is as exciting and optimistic as this one felt? i wish she could just be a reasonable partner. Her parents have been married for 40 years. The example she grew up with is just wonderful love. I have met them. I don’t understand this. Who gets to be happy with this woman? I wish I could figure out how to make it work Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 You know what.... Go meet her. Go give her your heart and your sperm and have it ripped apart by her when she kicks you out of hers and your child's life. That's what you're going to anyway isn't it, regardless of any warnings here. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
balletomane Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 17 minutes ago, thr1986 said: Will I find a love again that is as exciting and optimistic as this one felt? i wish she could just be a reasonable partner. Her parents have been married for 40 years. The example she grew up with is just wonderful love. I have met them. I don’t understand this. Who gets to be happy with this woman? I wish I could figure out how to make it work Almost from the moment you got together this woman, you've been worried that she's using you, caught up in constant manipulative guilt trips, and at the same time frightened of losing her. This is what you're calling exciting and optimistic. The question you need to be asking yourself, with the help of your therapist, is why a rollercoaster relationship full of guilt, doubts, arguments, and anxiety feels like something good to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 1 hour ago, JTSW said: You know what.... Go meet her. Go give her your heart and your sperm and have it ripped apart by her when she kicks you out of hers and your child's life. That's what you're going to anyway isn't it, regardless of any warnings here. Good luck I’m not going to get back with her. I value your advice and I’m not doing it. I just am communicating my feelings and thoughts here. It’s therapeutic for me. And your responses are helpful so thank you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 50 minutes ago, balletomane said: Almost from the moment you got together this woman, you've been worried that she's using you, caught up in constant manipulative guilt trips, and at the same time frightened of losing her. This is what you're calling exciting and optimistic. The question you need to be asking yourself, with the help of your therapist, is why a rollercoaster relationship full of guilt, doubts, arguments, and anxiety feels like something good to you. I don’t know. I have a session with my therapist on Tuesday. I will broach that topic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 Ok. This whole experience has just made me so dependent on her and experience a loss of personal confidence. It feels like the world is lonely without her. It’s tough but I know it’s the right thing. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 20 minutes ago, thr1986 said: I don’t know. I have a session with my therapist on Tuesday. I will broach that topic I would show her this thread. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, introverted1 said: I would show her this thread. Why??? I have said things in here that she would get furious about what effect would you expect this could have on her? she would just get mad at me for coming to a forum and for not sharing feelings with her. She would probably blame me for ruining the relationship because of doing this and say I turned to strangers etc Edited January 10, 2020 by thr1986 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) Show the therapist. Not your ex. That's why I quoted you saying you were seeing your therapist Tuesday when I made that suggestion. Edited January 10, 2020 by introverted1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) My therapist is a friend of my ex’s therapist. That’s how I was connected to the therapist because while we were together my ex said she thought I needed therapy. Do you think this is wrong? the therapists are supposed to be private. Edited January 10, 2020 by thr1986 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 1 hour ago, thr1986 said: I’m not going to get back with her. I value your advice and I’m not doing it. I just am communicating my feelings and thoughts here. It’s therapeutic for me. And your responses are helpful so thank you You're welcome. You're a really good guy and you deserve to be happy. This woman will make you miserable x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 Can I ask one more thing? When I saw her Monday evening and we discussed getting back together I explained to you guys how at first she said she couldn’t get back together and then after a little while she said she would continue talking about it and if I went to therapy and became more “emotionally stable” since I left, she would consider it. when she first said no (prior to us discussing therapy etc) I immediately started crying and asked why. I was upset. Her immediate response was saying “are you mad at me”? why in that moment do you think she would be worried if I was mad at her? Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Gauging your reaction by the sound of it. She wants you to feel desperate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 I genuinely hope you get help for your problems and your self esteem issues. You should definitely show this thread to therapist. Because of confidentiality you can trust your therapist not to divulge info to others and if you think about it, there is really no purpose for doing that anyway. They are there to help you. I know it hurts now, but you got rid of a toxic person in your life. You were just going to be more miserable with this person. Now it will hurt, but you can find someone better. Best wishes to you 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 7 hours ago, thr1986 said: why in that moment do you think she would be worried if I was mad at her? Because she’s worried about you. I think your unstable behavior might be frightening to her and that’s why she is agreeing to these things. Link to post Share on other sites
irregular guy Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 Ok, so said you "love her". Did you lie, or were you telling the truth? This is something there should be no question in your mind about. She's upset with you, because by hesitating you are saying you don't love her. Seriously, what do you think marriage is? Are children worth nothing to you? She is not asking for much. Sorry to be so point blank, but I really believe this is what you really need to hear right now. This could be the difference between a good happy life, and being miserable for the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 Just now, irregular guy said: Ok, so said you "love her". Did you lie, or were you telling the truth? This is something there should be no question in your mind about. She's upset with you, because by hesitating you are saying you don't love her. Seriously, what do you think marriage is? Are children worth nothing to you? She is not asking for much. Sorry to be so point blank, but I really believe this is what you really need to hear right now. This could be the difference between a good happy life, and being miserable for the rest of your life. They're not married and yes, he's told her he loves her and wants to fix things. She is greatly manipulating him and she is the one messing him around. It's not him. He also never said he didn't want children. He does. He just thought it was odd to be asked to pay for her treatment after only 4 months of dating and rightly so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 13, 2020 Author Share Posted January 13, 2020 2 hours ago, irregular guy said: Ok, so said you "love her". Did you lie, or were you telling the truth? This is something there should be no question in your mind about. She's upset with you, because by hesitating you are saying you don't love her. Seriously, what do you think marriage is? Are children worth nothing to you? She is not asking for much. Sorry to be so point blank, but I really believe this is what you really need to hear right now. This could be the difference between a good happy life, and being miserable for the rest of your life. Can you clarify your point here? I’m sorry, it’s unclear what you are communicating. Also, have you read this entire thread? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 14, 2020 Author Share Posted January 14, 2020 13 hours ago, S2B said: Never, ever would I have considered asking any man I dated to freeze his sperm/my eggs for me to use later! AND she’s in a hurry! You have NO idea if she may use the sperm at a later date without your knowledge. Plus SHE wants it and asked YOU to pay! all the way around = this gal is completely unreasonable! You’re right. Regarding the asking me to pay thing- she asked me to contribute, not pay in its entirety. She says she asked me to contribute because she felt that would give me accountability and I would “take it more seriously” Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 (edited) On 1/10/2020 at 1:56 PM, thr1986 said: My therapist is a friend of my ex’s therapist. Find another therapist. And yes you can do that. You've got more agency than you believe you have. In the first place, what is said in the office is supposed to remain in the office--you can have her license snatched if she breathes a word of what you say to your ex's therapist. Edited January 14, 2020 by kendahke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 I will tell you this if you are not using condoms with her, you are a fool. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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