Dating for 4 months and she asked me for money. [Updated at 10 months]

[kendahke]

 

Quote

 

  On 1/10/2020 at 9:07 AM, thr1986 said:

what can I do that will get under her skin???

 

Why?  Vindictive much?  Just stop with the foolishness.  This is junior high school messiness.

Silence.  Ignore her. Block her from contacting you.  Hang up on her when she gets through using someone else's cell phone. Call the police when she shows up on your doorstep with drama.  Give her absolutely no audience whatsoever.

 

[kendahke]

On 1/13/2020 at 7:13 AM, irregular guy said:

Ok, so said you "love her". Did you lie, or were you telling the truth? This is something there should be no question in your mind about. She's upset with you, because by hesitating you are saying you don't love her. Seriously, what do you think marriage is? Are children worth nothing to you? She is not asking for much. Sorry to be so point blank, but I really believe this is what you really need to hear right now. This could be the difference between a good happy life, and being miserable for the rest of your life.

1. they're not married. 

2. She asked a man she'd barely been dating to financially underwrite her in-vitro fertilization and egg planting.

3.  When he balked at the idea, as most rational men in their right minds would at the 4 month into a new relationship mark would, she turned on her therapist training to manipulate him into giving him her way---except he found his way here to get some solid, no silly "fantasy about the future" advice from many level headed people.

4. he has every right to determine who he wants to be the mother of his children and right now it ain't this broad.

5. Google "woman forces man to pay for in vitro children whose sperm was frozen"

Edited January 14, 2020 by kendahke

[irregular guy]

On 1/13/2020 at 4:36 PM, thr1986 said:

Can you clarify your point here? I’m sorry, it’s unclear what you are communicating. Also, have you read this entire thread?

No I haven't read the thread, only what you wrote in your original post. You said you were both thinking of marriage, if I remember right. Marriage is about sharing income. Making a baby is a two person job. If you expect her to do all the work and pay all the expenses, than you are not being fair. 

Happiness in life is from knowing what is important. If you want a family, that involves costs. If you don't want a family, stop wasting this woman's time. People do not have successful marriages by taking a long time to decide. Successful marriages come from knowing what is important and having correct priorities.

Would you die for a million dollars? Would you die for her? Would you die for your children (if you had them)? If you would die for her or your children, than those things have more value to you than a million dollars. Doesn't matter if you have that much money or not. 

What I am saying, is decide what is important. If she is important, and having kids is important, go for it. Forget about how long you have been dating. 

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, irregular guy said:

No I haven't read the thread. Making a baby is a two person job. If you expect her to do all the work and pay all the expenses, than you are not being fair. 

If you don't want a family, stop wasting this woman's time. People do not have successful marriages by taking a long time to decide. Successful marriages come from knowing what is important and having correct priorities.

What I am saying, is decide what is important. If she is important, and having kids is important, go for it. Forget about how long you have been dating. 

Hi irregular guy,

I think you should read the thread because there have been many updates and explanations.

You have got it completely wrong.

They were in a relationship for only 4 months when she asked him to pay for fertility treatment.

Far too soon to be asking something like that and it's not him making her wait. She wont actually make a decision of whether she wants to be with him.

He's ready and willing but she is playing very manipulative games with him, trying to break him down by constantly blaming him for everything that goes wrong, and reminding him of it every five minutes.

She is continually trying to make him feel guilty.

She did the same with her ex husband and she was the one that cheated on him, but she made him believe that he was he was completely at fault.

She never takes responsibility for any of her actions and right now she is stringing the OP along and using him.

It's my belief that she doesn't want him, just wants his money and sperm. 

I have spoken with OP privately about it all and trust me, this woman is awful.

Edited January 15, 2020 by JTSW

[irregular guy]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

Hi irregular guy,

I think you should read the thread because there have been many updates and explanations.

You have got it completely wrong.

They were in a relationship for only 4 months when she asked him to pay for fertility treatment.

Far too soon to be asking something like that and it's not him making her wait. She wont actually make a decision of whether she wants to be with him.

He's ready and willing but she is playing very manipulative games with him, trying to break him down by constantly blaming him for everything that goes wrong, and reminding him of it every five minutes.

She is continually trying to make him feel guilty.

She did the same with her ex husband and she was the one that cheated on him, but she made him believe that he was he was completely at fault.

She never takes responsibility for any of her actions and right now she is stringing the OP along and using him.

It's my belief that she doesn't want him, just wants his money and sperm. 

I have spoken with OP privately about it all and trust me, this woman is awful.

I'll take your word for it. When people accuse their partner of cheating, it is usually that person who is the one cheating. Typically in situations like you describe, she is expecting him to behave as she behaves, so if she cheats, she expects him to cheat as well, and will accuse him of cheating even if he doesn't. If she cheated on her ex, she will cheat on her next husband, and the one after that as well. A leopard can not change his spots.

[thr1986]

40 minutes ago, irregular guy said:

I'll take your word for it. When people accuse their partner of cheating, it is usually that person who is the one cheating. Typically in situations like you describe, she is expecting him to behave as she behaves, so if she cheats, she expects him to cheat as well, and will accuse him of cheating even if he doesn't. If she cheated on her ex, she will cheat on her next husband, and the one after that as well. A leopard can not change his spots.

I honestly never cheated on her but yes she was always paranoid about me cheating. If she did cheat, I don’t know who she did with or when. We spent a ton of time together. All I really wanted was to just be there for her and be honest and have an honest relationship 

[thr1986]

I have many times told her that her suspicion of me cheating makes me wonder if she is actually cheating. Hell, she still thinks I cheated. Even now she actually thinks I did. I genuinely never cheated on her in any capacity. 
 

when I have accused her of cheating, she always reassured me that that she DEFINITELY never did. 

Edited January 15, 2020 by thr1986

[thr1986]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

This relationship is anything but healthy!

Yeah things are complicated 

Edited January 15, 2020 by thr1986

[thr1986]

She keeps reaching out. Telling me how much she misses me and how she wants to see me, cuddle with me, go to the opera together, basically all the things we used to do together. She says she can’t get back together with me yet because she wants me to “work on myself” and she wants to see me stick with my therapist for a while. She said if we jumped back into it now she would feel like she’s just staying until I leave again and she wants it to feel permanent. I guess time with my therapist and staying in touch with her will prove that to her?

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, thr1986 said:

I guess time with my therapist and staying in touch with her will prove that to her?

Nope. You need a new therapist. Not one that your ex knows and chose for you. She didn't like it at all when you suggested finding your own therapist. She is coaching this therapist. 

[balletomane]

32 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Nope. You need a new therapist. Not one that your ex knows and chose for you. She didn't like it at all when you suggested finding your own therapist. She is coaching this therapist. 

Unless I've misunderstood, he found this therapist through the recommendation of his ex's therapist. It's not someone his ex personally knows. It's quite normal to ask a clinician if they can recommend another clinician.

OP, you're showing some very tangled contradictory thinking in this thread. In several posts you wonder if there's any chance she could be genuine or if you might really be at fault in some way. When other people reply that no, she's being manipulative and unreasonable, you will accept it for a while but then start pointing to things that make her look genuine to you and asking the same questions all over again. However, when one person suggested she wasn't to blame and instead criticised your actions, you seemed to get defensive and asked if he had read the entire thread. That makes me feel that what you want here is not practical advice or constructive suggestions for bettering your situation, but constant reassurance that she is manipulative and you are doing nothing wrong, while you continue to try and persuade her to be your girlfriend. None of this makes sense. Why would you want a manipulative person to be your girlfriend? You need to stop thinking about how to change her mind and work out how you're going to change yours, because these thought patterns are really holding you back.

[JTSW]

10 hours ago, balletomane said:

Unless I've misunderstood, he found this therapist through the recommendation of his ex's therapist. It's not someone his ex personally knows.

I've been talking with the OP outside of the forum.

She knows this therapist well.

OP told me that when he suggested choosing his own therapist, one that she didn't know, she flipped out.

He said she was not happy about that AT ALL.

OP has told me that this therapist seems very much in his ex's favor which leads me to believe that the ex has an outside influence.

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

That’s extremely concerning.

he really needs his own therapist and also to break free from this gals unreasonable demands.

I 100% agree.

His therapist should have no association with his ex and should be completely impartial.

Edited January 17, 2020 by JTSW

[thr1986]

On 1/21/2020 at 3:31 PM, S2B said:

Things aren’t “complicated” - things are a mess!

she is a mess! Why not date someone who isn’t such a mess?

For some reason I’ve convinced myself that she is so unique and that she loves me uniquely and that we have this special love that I can’t replace. That’s why I don’t move on. I get that I’m probably flawed. That’s what I’m thinking though 

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

how much have you spent on her in the past month or two?

what did you get her for Christmas?

Whatever he spends on her is not enough for her (he told me she said this).

And it will never be enough.

She stops him seeing other people while she is seeing another man.

She also refuses to break up with other guy.

I've tried to explain to him that she is keeping this other guy to make him feel insecure, vulnerable and desperate.

And it's worked.

He's completely under her spell.

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, thr1986 said:

For some reason I’ve convinced myself that she is so unique and that she loves me uniquely and that we have this special love that I can’t replace. That’s why I don’t move on. I get that I’m probably flawed. That’s what I’m thinking though 

She doesn't love you.

She just wants to manipulate you to get what she wants.

If she genuinely loved you she would NOT be seeing another guy. 

Your family does not like her and do not trust her.

What are you doing?

[thr1986]

She texted the other guy on Saturday and told him she can’t do it anymore. She said she is calling him today to talk to him and tell him it’s over. 

[JTSW]

😐

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, thr1986 said:

She texted the other guy on Saturday and told him she can’t do it anymore. She said she is calling him today to talk to him and tell him it’s over. 

What is your end game, here? Are you going to end up marrying her? I haven't seen one person encourage you in this relationship (because she's using you and doesn't care about you, as is clearly evidenced by the fact that she's seeing another man.) I don't understand why you keep seeing her. This is not going to end well. It's going to end up with you being brokenhearted or worse - poor AND brokenhearted, coupled with child support (and maybe for a kid who might not end up being yours.)

[thr1986]

How will it end up with me having a kid?? She’s infertile and if she gets pregnant it’s on her own via IVF with donor sperm 

[thr1986]

I am dating her. I have no legal obligation to any baby she decides to have on her own

[thr1986]

And yes she’s seeing someone else because we have been broken up. She just asked me to get back together on Friday night and said she’s ending it with the other guy today.

[vla1120]

3 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

How will it end up with me having a kid?? She’s infertile and if she gets pregnant it’s on her own via IVF with donor sperm 

Well, she certainly tried to get you to donate sperm to her cause in the past. I'm only going by her past behavior.

3 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

I am dating her. I have no legal obligation to any baby she decides to have on her own

Just make sure you don't "accidentally" sign some random piece of paper that she cons you into signing, making you financially responsible for any child conceived while the two of you are "dating." 

2 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

And yes she’s seeing someone else because we have been broken up. She just asked me to get back together on Friday night and said she’s ending it with the other guy today.

You do what you want. From every indication I've seen - based on your own account of the events leading up to now - she's fully capable of scamming/conning you into being financially responsible for SOMETHING involving her. Maybe the other guy was smart enough to keep his wallet closely guarded and THAT'S why she is ending it with him today?

[thr1986]

7 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Well, she certainly tried to get you to donate sperm to her cause in the past. I'm only going by her past behavior.

Just make sure you don't "accidentally" sign some random piece of paper that she cons you into signing, making you financially responsible for any child conceived while the two of you are "dating." 

You do what you want. From every indication I've seen - based on your own account of the events leading up to now - she's fully capable of scamming/conning you into being financially responsible for SOMETHING involving her. Maybe the other guy was smart enough to keep his wallet closely guarded and THAT'S why she is ending it with him today?

Maybe I’ve done a poor job at explaining this. She’s not going to have me sign anything to trick me into anything 

[vla1120]

11 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

Maybe I’ve done a poor job at explaining this. She’s not going to have me sign anything to trick me into anything 

I wouldn't say you've done a poor job at explaining anything. I do think, perhaps, you've forgotten some of what has transpired since your first post. Maybe you should go back and read the thread. It has been a year, after all.

Edited January 27, 2020 by vla1120