Dating for 4 months and she asked me for money. [Updated at 10 months]

[thr1986]

On 3/11/2020 at 1:01 PM, scooby-philly said:

Jesus. Man, if I ever feel bad about my situation I just need to come back to this thread. Over a year of this? Dude - MOVE THE F ON! GO NO CONTACT AND TELL IF SHE REACHES OUT AGAIN YOU"RE GETTING A RESTRAINING ORDER.

I'm not going to do let this go to page 40 of responses by piling on more comments to what's already been shared with you for 13.5 months. Just never speak to her again in any form, block her, and move on.

I’ve gone no contact. It’s been a week (tomorrow). She texted me and asked me to return a Tupperware container she left at my apartment. She also sent me a long letter in the mail. When I got the letter, I didn’t read it. But I did respond to her text for the Tupperware and said I would send it to her and told her I got her letter but that I couldn’t read it. I said my heart is too tender. I’m not going to speak to her anymore 

[S2B]

9 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

I’ve gone no contact. It’s been a week (tomorrow). She texted me and asked me to return a Tupperware container she left at my apartment. She also sent me a long letter in the mail. When I got the letter, I didn’t read it. But I did respond to her text for the Tupperware and said I would send it to her and told her I got her letter but that I couldn’t read it. I said my heart is too tender. I’m not going to speak to her anymore 

So your response broke no contact - you realize that was why she reached out right?

just send one more response to her...

tell her you’ve sent via Amazon a whole set of Tupperware and that you burned the letter since you never want to hear another thing from her - and if she does - you will submit a restraining order if she doesn’t comply. 
 

and if she doesn’t respect you - file a restraining order... do NOT under any circumstances respond again after that!

you need to send a VERY strong message! Staying quiet IS a message! 

[balletomane]

Texting her and telling her your heart is tender is not only breaking no contact, it's encouraging her to keep talking to you. Emotional disclosures prolong conversation, they don't shut it down.

Every time you speak to her or read something she sends you, the clock on no contact resets. You will not feel better that way. If you block her number, she can't text at all.

[JTSW]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

Staying quiet IS a message!

I agree. He should ignore any attempt she makes to contact him.

1 hour ago, balletomane said:

Texting her and telling her your heart is tender is not only breaking no contact, it's encouraging her to keep talking to you.

This is exactly what i told him.

[scooby-philly]

10 hours ago, thr1986 said:

I’ve gone no contact. It’s been a week (tomorrow). She texted me and asked me to return a Tupperware container she left at my apartment. She also sent me a long letter in the mail. When I got the letter, I didn’t read it. But I did respond to her text for the Tupperware and said I would send it to her and told her I got her letter but that I couldn’t read it. I said my heart is too tender. I’m not going to speak to her anymore 

But you did speak to her. Um...foolish a little? Block her on your phone. Delete and block her from all social media. Destroy or trash al pictures and other items you have around concerning her

[introverted1]

Good grief - you broke NC over a tupperware? 

Block and delete.  She can buy another tupperware.  Unlike toilet paper, there are plenty available in stores.

[thr1986]

ive broken up and gotten back together with her 3 times now. Every time this happens. When we’re together just before we break up I feel like I must get out. Like she’s horrible and will lie to me (even though I have r ever caught her lieing to me) and like I can’t ever marry her because I’m I fear she would divorce me like she did her last husband and will blame me for everything like she did him and she will make me out to be the problem. But then when I leave her, I feel lonely and like I’ve lost this giant sense of confidence. I miss her apartment because we always stayed there. I miss her day to day interaction for the most part. I miss her telling me she loves me. I miss feeling like she loves me, etc. I start to forget the bad stuff. I forget that she asked me to create a baby with her and help pay for it at 3 months of knowing me etc 

[thr1986]

I feel like if I walk over to her apartment and see her and she hugs me everything will be ok. I’m crying at home sad and feeling like I miss her. Then I start rationalizing things in my mind about why I left and wonder if I made a mistake again. The whole cycle is starting. I have to stop it 

[kendahke]

14 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

I have to stop it 

And you need a better therapist who doesn't know her AND you NEED to take their advice as well as 27 pages of the advice a lot of people took time out of their busy day to compose and send to you.

Stop volunteering for this treatment!!!!

Edited March 13, 2020 by kendahke

[Autumn Sunflower]

I read some of the posts and I have the feeling thr1986 that you just don't love yourself and you are your own worst enemy. You are letting some other girl who doesn't even sound like a good catch ,dictate your life and happiness. Life is way too short for that.

It is time you do whatever you need to do to get your life back on track and learning to love yourself and to be your own best friend. Go to another therapist but don't think that a therapist will tell you what to do...he will only guide you ...that decision is up to you. And, don't tell yourself it is hard or whatever excuses you keep on making...go no contact!!!

[balletomane]

6 hours ago, thr1986 said:

I start to forget the bad stuff. I forget that she asked me to create a baby with her and help pay for it at 3 months of knowing me etc 

But you don't forget it. If you did forget you wouldn't be posting here every time you break up, listing all these things you've supposedly forgotten.

I'm wondering if part of you is enjoying the 'drama' of all this. Some people find troubled relationships to be quite stimulating and absorbing, to the point where an ordinary happy one looks mundane and boring by comparison. Again, this is something to explore with a therapist.

[S2B]

4 hours ago, thr1986 said:

I feel like if I walk over to her apartment and see her and she hugs me everything will be ok. I’m crying at home sad and feeling like I miss her. Then I start rationalizing things in my mind about why I left and wonder if I made a mistake again. The whole cycle is starting. I have to stop it 

Do not go see her!!!!

journal and journal instead!

[thr1986]

13 hours ago, S2B said:

Do not go see her!!!!

journal and journal instead!

I didn’t see her. It was a feeling. I have a hard time being alone. That’s what makes this so difficult. Being and living alone through a breakup like this is hard for me. Which is why I keep coming here for reassurance. My sister couldn’t believe I started talking to her again. She was shocked. I need to learn to see things in the same light.  For some reason the feeling of someone taking advantage of me makes me feel like they are better than me for being able to or trying to take advantage. And that feeling makes me want to stay with them 

Edited March 14, 2020 by thr1986

[thr1986]

Leading up to my breakup with her last Friday this is how I was feeling:

I was feeling like any thought or feeling I had regarding how I wanted our relationship to be between her and I would almost always be confronted by her she would usually resist whatever my feeling was.
 

For example she is planning a trip to go to a resort with her friend and her friends three children this summer. She also was saying she wants to go somewhere with me this summer. Her trip with her friend to this resort would be a trip where her friend and her friends children are going to be staying in their own room and my ex-girlfriend would be staying alone in a different room. My thought was that I could go with her on this trip that’s far away overseas and we can stay in a room at the resort together since my ex would’ve been alone in the room anyways.

SheBasically said no and then explained that it would be weird for me to go with her on that trip. Why would it be weird for me to go with her, she would be staying in a room on her by herself anyways And wouldn’t she want me to go with her on a trip so far away particularly when she’s staying in a room alone and spending some time during the day with her friend and her friends kids, what about all of the other time when her friend is with her children and taking care of her children.?
 

Something about her stance on this and the way she was handling it made me feel like she was being dishonest. I’m sure she was actually going to see your friend there, but it also made me feel like she just did not want me to go and it made me wonder why she didn’t want me to go why would she not want me there during those times when every night should be going out to sleep alone in a room alone in a foreign country? Something about it just felt weird and when I tried to ask to go and explain my feelings about how it felt weird, I was confronted and told that I was wrong.

This is how most situations similar to this were handled. I was almost always confronted and I had to give in to whatever her feeling about the situation may have been. Also she many times was somewhat frustrated if I started to make a lot of plans with other friends throughout the week.

For example a couple of weeks ago I went to dinner tonight‘s in a row with two different friends, both platonic male friends. The morning of the second night she was angry that I was going to dinner that evening. She wasn’t saying out right that she was angry but she was acting upset and acting disapproved. In her frustration, acting like she’s that disapproves of me going to dinner again the second time, she kept asking me what time I would be finished. I explained to her that I wasn’t sure what time I would be finished, however I told her what where I was going and what time I was meeting him there.

Something about her demeanor just seemed frustrated that I was having other plans and not coming straight home to hang out with her. So, because of that it felt like she felt the need to make plans also since I was busy and she just very vaguely said “what time will you be finished tonight? I may have some errands I need to run tonight” and

Honestly that just got under my skin, it was so vague and her entire demeanor around it was so agitated, it made me feel like she was trying to make me feel like she was being shady.

Then, when I reacted to it and ask her what her errands were and acted a little bit agitated that she was acting the way she was, she acted like I was the problem because I was questioning her simply saying she was going to run some errands. It just turned into this entire ordeal and many things between us often do you turn into an ordeal similar to this and it just always feels like she’s twisting things and making me out to be the problem and setting up traps for me to fall into.
 

Edited March 14, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, thr1986 said:

  For some reason the feeling of someone taking advantage of me makes me feel like they are better than me for being able to or trying to take advantage. And that feeling makes me want to stay with them 

You do know that this is a very, very dysfunctional response. 

It really sounds like your former GF suffers from some cluster B personality disorder.  Can you seek out therapy and/or a support group?  You are not alone in this from my experience.

[thr1986]

15 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

You do know that this is a very, very dysfunctional response. 

It really sounds like your former GF suffers from some cluster B personality disorder.  Can you seek out therapy and/or a support group?  You are not alone in this from my experience.

What do you mean my response is dysfunctional? Is there something wrong with me too? And what do you think her personality disorder may be? (She has a twin brother that is severely bipolar and borderline)

[thr1986]

19 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

You do know that this is a very, very dysfunctional response. 

It really sounds like your former GF suffers from some cluster B personality disorder.  Can you seek out therapy and/or a support group?  You are not alone in this from my experience.

Histrionic personality disorder sounds very much like her 

[SumGuy]

6 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

What do you mean my response is dysfunctional? Is there something wrong with me too? And what do you think her personality disorder may be? (She has a twin brother that is severely bipolar and borderline)

I really think you need to talk to someone whose profession this is.  The response I am talking about is that when someone takes advantage of you it makes you want them more.  In my experience, people want to get away from and like someone less who takes advantage of them.

You may have hit the nail on the head, borderline personality disorder is a cluster B disorder, that can often be diagnosed as something else (although co-morbidity is high) for insurance purposes.  I have heard some insurance companies do not pay for treatment for a borderline diagnosis....that could just be rumor though and it could be there are no meds indicated for it.

Breaking up with her I think was a very good and healthy response.

Edited March 14, 2020 by SumGuy

[thr1986]

I have another ex girlfriend from several years ago that was bipolar (clinically) and likely borderline. When I started dating this girl (the girl were talking about in this forum) I told her about my ex girlfriend from years ago and how she was borderline. This girl asked me if I felt like I had a savior complex or the need to save and fix someone. I said I didn’t think so. But I feel like she sensed that I did (and maybe I do). Maybe she just felt like I was the perfect person for her given her issues and how she needs saving regarding her infertility, etc. she asked me if I was attracted to borderline women normally. I said I didn’t think so. But she seemed to like that maybe I was attracted to borderline women. She seemed to be happy about that. She was sending me excerpts from a book she was reading on borderline personality disorder when we first met. Like almost for no reason, just sending me photos of the page with a description of symptoms. It was weird. I asked her why are you sending me this information? She sent it out of no where. She said it was because she was wondering if I noticed anything in the text that reminded me of my ex. It just seemed weird. Also in the beginning of the relationship she kept telling me how sad she was. She would solicit my affection by telling me she’s so sad about this or about that etc 

[S2B]

All of it with her is just ugh... wrong.

you are the one who can change who you choose.

get help - you do not want to choose that kind of gal ever again. Do work on that.

[preraph]

She's dominating you.  That's what's going on.  You feel too weak to say no to her or get her out of your life.  The only way to deal with someone trying to take advantage of you is to put them firmly OUT of your life.  Here in one breath, you have said you're no contact and then that you begged to go on the trip with her.  You need to change locks, block her on social media, block her on your cellphone, and walk away.  She's keeping you in a knot.  It's ridiculous.  

[thr1986]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

She's dominating you.  That's what's going on.  You feel too weak to say no to her or get her out of your life.  The only way to deal with someone trying to take advantage of you is to put them firmly OUT of your life.  Here in one breath, you have said you're no contact and then that you begged to go on the trip with her.  You need to change locks, block her on social media, block her on your cellphone, and walk away.  She's keeping you in a knot.  It's ridiculous.  

Me asking to go on the trip with her was when we were together. Now that we’re not together I’m not talking to her anymore and I obviously wouldn’t go on the trip with her 

 

the trip thing I thought was weird because it just seems like we’re a couple and we would do that together (assuming we would still be together when we were talking about the trip)

Edited March 14, 2020 by thr1986

[preraph]

Trust me, that woman has more than one life going on.  

[thr1986]

4 minutes ago, preraph said:

Trust me, that woman has more than one life going on.  

I just don’t understand how. I literally spent every single night with her. She kept her phone around me and stuff I could see if someone was texting her. 

[preraph]

She could be doing it from a computer at work or anything.  I just don't trust her.  She's so desperate to find someone to finance her, I bet she's always looking.