Snow_Queen Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 She really wanted to get married. She was saying at 5 months in (or less) that she was ready to get married and it was all a matter of when I was ready. She would say “I’m ready when you are- I’m waiting for you to ask”. It just seemed too easy ya know? Like it was just too soon. I wondered how she could be so sure. She made me feel great though. She was loving and compassionate. She praised me for how empathetic and thoughtful I was. Many time in relationships past I have felt like I didn’t “play the game” well enough so to speak. I’ve felt like I’m too nice or maybe too predictable. This woman praised me for how I am and found it attractive. She loved me for who I am. She said she had loving parents and a father that always praised her and she didn’t feel the need for someone to reject her to be attractive. She seems very healthy in a mental capacity actually. These are the things and the feelings I’ve had with her that make me wonder if I’m leaving someone who is the right person. I know these feelings I’m describing are flawed. But I’m just putting them across so everyone knows how I feel For 19 pages, you’ve had pretty solid advice. You’re clearly not making a mistake based on what you’ve told us. Of course she praised you and made you feel amazing, loved, etc. Essentially, she’s a scam artist. She had to reel you in somehow. Anyone who’s looking to use another finds a weak spot and starts from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 19, 2019 Author Share Posted November 19, 2019 For 19 pages, you’ve had pretty solid advice. You’re clearly not making a mistake based on what you’ve told us. Of course she praised you and made you feel amazing, loved, etc. Essentially, she’s a scam artist. She had to reel you in somehow. Anyone who’s looking to use another finds a weak spot and starts from there. Your right. I keep questioning if I’ve told the story properly or if I’m misreading her. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 So you started this thread in January - and now this is Nov. I’m sure she is pressing hard for her new guy to marry her already now too. She has an AGENDA. She’s trolling for a new guy with her agenda. It’s not that she wants a great guy - she wants a guy with money now! She wants a guy who will say yes to the money, the marriage now and a baby now. That all she wants. It’s HER agenda... it’s not about you. It’s about what she wants. When you said no or stalled slightly she needs that agenda so bad right now - that she dropped you and moved on to find the next schmuck to fill her agenda. She’s not looking for a decent man - she’s looking for a willing man. Willing to do it her way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 I know these feelings I’m describing are flawed. But I’m just putting them across so everyone knows how I feel Your feelings are your feelings. I would not describe them as flawed. This is what I think you need to do to ease your concerns. Try looking back at what you have described to us. Take out ALL of your own emotion from your story. Imagine someone else is telling YOU this story. 1. He's been dating a woman for three months. 2. She NEVER offered to pay or even help pay, for anything when they are out together (quite selfish, considering she has a good career.) 3. At three months, she asks him for tens of thousands of dollars to help her with IVF (very bold, given she's only known him for three months.) 4. When he says "no." Then she asks him to sign the birth certificate as the father (thereby making him wholly financially responsible for the child - again quite bold, and an indication she's trying to get a permanent hook in him.) 5. He tells you that, regardless of all of this, she makes him feel good about himself and he's not sure he should give up on the relationship. What would your advice be to this person, given the evidence that she is clearly trying to take advantage of him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 19, 2019 Author Share Posted November 19, 2019 So in the first 4 months of knowing one another we went up to upstate New York and rented a cabin for two weekends. The first time we did this was in December (we met in October) and the whole trip was her idea so she actually paid for that cabin rental but then I paid for everything else, car rental food etc. Then she kept saying she wanted to go and do it again after we got back so we planned a weekend and did it again. I paid for everything this time. Cabin rental, groceries when we get there, dinner at a restaurant one night, breakfast twice. Car rental. Everything. It just seemed like somewhere in there she would offer something. also, we went to the opera once which was also her idea and she bought the two opera tickets. The rest of everything we did, In 4 months I paid for and she didn’t offer to contribute ever. For example if I stayed with her on Friday I would buy dinner, breakfast Saturday, dinner and movie (for example) on Saturday night and then again brunch on Sunday and then dinner Sunday night if we were still hanging out. She just never offered anything and it stated to feel weird. Then she sprung the embryo question on me and that’s when I had the talk with her about splitting things. Which she agreed to do. But, she was so “nickel and dime” ish about it. She watched closely and would get weried and agitated if I ever spent less than her. It just seemed like she was so watchful this. Then, yes she asked me to become the baby’s father after I said I wasn’t comfortable creating an embryo. I kept telling her, I just wish I could have you without all this other pressures. Can we just be together? Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 Can we just be together? You seem very determined to be in a relationship with this woman, despite what you've read out here. Sure. You can be with her and stand your ground on splitting things 50/50, if you feel taken advantage of in that respect. You can also tell her you only want to be in a relationship for now, no talk of marriage or children until you are ready. How can you be certain she will not become pregnant before you are ready to commit? Also, what is the last communication you've had with her? Are you certain she has not moved on to someone else that might be more open to doing as she requested? Just remember....I have that love letter from a man who was controlling and abusive to me. When I read the letter with my rose colored glasses, I wonder how I ever could have left this loving, caring man who told me his world revolved around me. When I read the letter with my eyes wide open, knowing what he has said and done to me to break my spirit, I realize how LUCKY I am not to be under his spell, anymore. Tread carefully. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 Please spend some smart money on professional help. You could benefit greatly from guidance to understand why you would want this for yourself. And how to quit second guessing the whole scam situation. You should be mad! She used you! Another gal will use you if you don’t find out why this is attractive for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 Can we just be together? The answer is: no, you cannot just be together. She's got an agenda to accomplish and if you're not going to fall in line, there isn't going to be any "just be together". Time to muster up some courage, go out and join a meet up group and rebuild your social life. That is really in your best interests. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 19, 2019 Author Share Posted November 19, 2019 I am going to see a professional psychoanalyst. Hopefully I’ll be able to understand what’s going on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 I am going to see a professional psychoanalyst. Hopefully I’ll be able to understand what’s going on. BEST post I've seen in the 284-post thread!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 You CAN’T be together - because you don’t match up well with her goals. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 She has done little else but try to get you legally obligated to give her money to finance her IVF and child support thereafter. Do not sign on as father to this child. She just wants someone else to have to pay her child support. It is completely insane and unacceptable that a woman you knew 3 months would hatch this plan and try to drag you in , and the only possible reason is MONEY. She wants it. She thinks you've got it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 19, 2019 Author Share Posted November 19, 2019 I spoke to her today. I asked her how she was feeling. She said she was feeling “numb” and pointed out that I left her when she was at her most vunerable time. It always feels like she tries to create a dynamic where she positions herself in a place where I’ve done something wrong and I have to try and make it up to her. It’s becoming clearer to me now. The reason I spoke to her is because I left something at her place that I need back. I’m going to get it tomorrow evening. She just always has something that creates a dynamic where I’ve left or I’ve abandoned her or I’ve done something wrong and she hasn’t and I have to fix it. I told her today that I felt like I was so accommodating to her during the whole process. I went to the doctor with her and I accepted that she was going to have a baby on her own and I stayed with her and I was genuinely ok with it. I feel like that is all qualification for saying I was really accommodating to her. When I said I was really accommodating she said “really? Um you left me at my most vulnerable time - right after the embryo transfer didn’t work” She just always has something that makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong when I’m the big picture I don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 thr1986, regarding her being a victim to you and your timing, would she happen to have the same dialogue about other family, friends and exes? That they abandon her or are never there when she needs them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 19, 2019 Author Share Posted November 19, 2019 She has an ex husband, she said they divorced because his family was too involved in their marriage and that things “changed” after they got married. She said the family was very “possessive” over her and tried to dictate that she get a higher paying job after they got married. The parents bought them a nice apartment in NYC after they got married and she was upset that the parents wouldn’t put her name on the apartment. However I don’t think her contribution to the mortgage was much at all (she was doing non profit feminist work at the time). He was paying for everything, from what I understand. So- she said they divorced because of the apartment, because of the families overshadowing involvement in the marriage, also she said her husband wouldn’t have sex. She said they slept together 4 times in the last year of their marriage and that drove her crazy. She eventually ended up asking him if they could have an open relationship since he wasn’t sleeping with her. That obviously didn’t go over well. She ended up cheating on him and then they mutally parted ways with a divorce. He never knew about the cheating. They’re still friends actually. They see one another for dinner once a month or so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 19, 2019 Author Share Posted November 19, 2019 Regarding other relationships, she has mentioned a few 6 month-ish long relationships. Most recently one with a guy who was older than her and ended up leaving because he wasn’t keen with her fertility journey she was starting re: the IVF Her family relationships seem healthy. Except, her twin brother she doesn’t speak to because she said he’s bipolar and borderline and she said he’s emotionally abusive to her etc. Her mother and father have a great relationship with her. In fact, her parents are planning to move to nyc when/if she’s able to have a baby via IVF to help her take care of the baby Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 So she was bleeding her ex for money too, but his family saw through it and wasn't having any. Why would they put HER name on it? She's a very manipulative greedy money-seeking person. How she keeps trying to position herself to make you feel at fault it called "gaslighting." Google it. It's the first line of offence for bad people in general. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 I spoke to her today. I asked her how she was feeling. She said she was feeling “numb” and pointed out that I left her when she was at her most vunerable time. It always feels like she tries to create a dynamic where she positions herself in a place where I’ve done something wrong and I have to try and make it up to her. It’s becoming clearer to me now. The reason I spoke to her is because I left something at her place that I need back. I’m going to get it tomorrow evening. She just always has something that creates a dynamic where I’ve left or I’ve abandoned her or I’ve done something wrong and she hasn’t and I have to fix it. I told her today that I felt like I was so accommodating to her during the whole process. I went to the doctor with her and I accepted that she was going to have a baby on her own and I stayed with her and I was genuinely ok with it. I feel like that is all qualification for saying I was really accommodating to her. When I said I was really accommodating she said “really? Um you left me at my most vulnerable time - right after the embryo transfer didn’t work” She just always has something that makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong when I’m the big picture I don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong Wow. This, and the explanation about her ex-husband's family involvement just confirms what is already suspected. She is a user and manipulator. Her main concern is getting money from you (or whomever else she can manipulate.) Did you step outside yourself and look at what this whole situation looks like from the outside? She used you. She's trying to make you feel guilty so she can reel you back in. She's given you evidence of an ex-husband and an ex-older man who BOTH left her because all she used them for was money. You need to put a fork in this mess. It's done! Everyone else out here knows it. We're just waiting for you to get to the party... Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 19, 2019 Author Share Posted November 19, 2019 It makes me feel devalued and not desirable that she was trying to use me Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 19, 2019 Author Share Posted November 19, 2019 Like as if I’m not desirable unless I’m providing money or whatever it is she was after Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 Why are you personalising the actions of a scammer? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 I know, I sensed dangerous motifs but just never had or got any “proof” of it. There’s an anecdote former President Obama relates in his book: “There's a wonderful story that people tell about Daniel Patrick Moynihan, the late senator from New York. Apparently, Moynihan was in a heated argument with one of his colleagues over an issue, and the other senator, sensing he was on the losing side of the argument, blurted out: 'Well, you may disagree with me, Pat, I'm entitled to my own opinion." To which Moynihan frostily replied, "You are entitled to you own opinion, but you are not entitled to you own facts.” So thr1986, you can spin this all you want based on your interpretation. But none of that changes the facts - she made not one, but two completely unreasonable and self-serving requests very early on in a relatively new relationship. No caring person would ask this, no rational person would accept. The rest is just noise... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 It makes me feel devalued and not desirable that she was trying to use me And that’s what you explore in therapy! Explore why it MAKES YOU FEEL that way. Explore why you aren’t letting it go. Explore where those feelings come from and what YOU can do to change all those feelings. She didn’t MAKE you feel that way - you did that TO YOURSELF. Big difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 So wait you spoke to her today??? WTF. Sorry, "leaving an item behind and needing it back" is the oldest trick in the book. Why not have her fedex it back? You don't need to see her tomorrow. You want to see her tomorrow. Sorry you are doing this to yourself at this point. She may be a sh*tty person but you are playing into it. I know you feel devalued that's why i keep saying to get therapy. You are trying to "fix" it by getting back together with her or figure out all the whys in your head (and on this thread) rather that learning to value yourself. When is your therapy appt? I find it stupid that you have an appt to pick up something from her that can't be that important instead of spending tomorrow night at a therapy appt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted November 20, 2019 Author Share Posted November 20, 2019 Therapist is next week. When I finally left her (end of September) it was shortly after she tried to transfer the embryo and miscarried. She kept saying I left her at her lowest and most vunerable time. She kept saying, I never left you. You kept vacillating between wanting to be with me and wanting to leave. I feel a little bad about it and I just want to clear the air and say goodbye in a calm setting Link to post Share on other sites
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