Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 2 hours ago, JTSW said: Good for you. We're all on your side here thr1986. You are such a nice guy with a good heart and allot to offer the right woman. But i don't think she is the right woman. I'm confident she will hurt you and you don't deserve that. You deserve better than the way she is treating you the hard part is that I always jump to rationalizing things after I decide “ok, everyone is correct, she is a problem” I mean, I totally altered my life and schedule around her. I was home every evening at a specific time (sometimes leaving work early) so I could give her a shot - for a couple of months leading up to her embryo transfer. - there was one Saturday evening where I wasn’t going to be home in time because I wanted to see my friend that I hadn’t seen in a while and she guilted me so badly. She just made it seem like I was terrible because I wasn’t going to be able to give her the shot. She could easily give herself the shot or have a friend do it. It was hard- I felt like I did so much and the minute I did anything that she didn’t like she would emotionally make things difficult between us which would result in me asking her what’s wrong and then me trying to defend myself and explain myself. I guess if we were to get married this is what she would do to me with finances etc. she would want me to spend all my money on her IVF I’m sure because she’s going to continue to pursue it. Maybe that’s why she left her ex husband. She told me they “became petty” with one another. She has used that word “petty” with me when she would get angry that we were splitting costs of things in our relationship. I need to make sure I don’t stRt to rationalize these things again like I did before based on her explanations of things. She always has wonderful rational explanations. I’m actually wondering if she’s even seeing someone. Maybe she made it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 When she needed bloodwork done I would schedule it for her. I took us on a pricy vacation in our 3rd month of dating. I stayed with her every evening all year- even when she was moody and struggling with the hormones. I went to the doctor with her. I feel like I was a wonderful boyfriend. But now I’m just reduced to “you left me when I was hurting and needed you most” Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 (edited) It just always felt like she was trying to make me feel like I was doing something wrong (when I don’t think I was). The more I think about it, maybe she was just trying to keep me from taking issue from the massive commitment she was “casually” asking of me. She would accuse me of cheating when I obviously wasn’t. I was always with he and/or available if she called me. She would accuse me of nickle and diming her when all we were doing was splitting general expenses as most you dating people do. It was all just ways for her to get me to give in to whatever she wanted out of me wasn’t it? those accusations likely translate to her being unfaithful and/or her wanting me to feel bad about splitting things so I would pay for more Edited January 9, 2020 by thr1986 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 I remember one time we were at brunch on like the 5th day in a row of me paying for everything we did and all meals. And after we left I gently mentioned that she could get something here and there. And she immediately started saying that she thought I was shady with my cell phone, how I bring it with me from room to room or something like that and how I hold it when I use it. It was such a random complaint. I think she probably just said that to distract me from the polite concern I had about how she wouldn’t pay for anything and it made me feel weird Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 no proof. She showed me her balance a couple of times and it was getting low (single digit k’s). I believe more that she did pay it off but no I don’t know where the money came from. She could be getting it in Alimony from her ex husband. When they divorced I’m not sure she was really earning an income. She was doing her own nonprofit work. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 Sounds like you have woken up a little to what this woman is really doing. She's trying to break you by making you feel guilty when you haven't done anything wrong. She constantly accused you of things you weren't doing. She distrusts you for no reason. By what you've said, she honestly sounds awful. Horribly manipulative. There are women out there who don't treat men as badly as she does. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 The cheating accusations I believe came because I have a close friend who Cheats often and she knew he did. So, maybe she thought I did also because of that. she also complained that I didn’t post enough photos of her and I on social media. Not as many as she did. She’s been accusing me of “hiding her” and not being proud of her. It just always felt like she wants putting me in a spot that I had to convince her of my way out of. If that makes sense? today she sent me a message complaining that She felt it wasn’t fair that I previously had raised concern that she was married and divorced in the past as if it was a bad thing. I may have implied that because that was a feeling that I had. But Again its just another thing she’s coming at me about that I did wrong or that wasn’t fair to her Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 Know this... You have done nothing wrong. Nothing. You've been good to her. You've been loving and complete gentleman to her. The way she's treating you is not right. She's trying to break you so will become completely vulnerable and do whatever she wants. She's piling on guilt by complaining that everything you say and do is wrong. Please don't pursue a future with this woman. You deserve to be happy and you won't be happy with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 (edited) The stuff you are writing now are the kind of things which would send any sane man running for the hills. Tell us again why you want to give her another chance. I also disagree that you've done nothing wrong. What you did wrong was constantly being at her beck and call, forgoing other parts of your life, handing over cash.....all without boundaries. The 'perfect boyfriend' has boundaries and good women respect these boundaries. You got stung because you were a doormat. Edited January 9, 2020 by basil67 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 thr1986, this woman is very unhappy with herself and she's projecting it onto you through criticism. It's possible that she feels having a child will solve her problem of unhappiness. In the long run, though, it would make her unhappier than she is now because a mom gives sacrificially to a baby and to a child, pretty much for a long time. From all you've written she seems more selfish than sacrificial. Anyway, though, she dislikes herself but, as I said, takes it out on you by criticizing you; finding fault with you. Sounds as if she's a miserable person to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 3 hours ago, S2B said: I’d tell her you’re busy. Then be busy. Totally agree. Then she'll come at him saying he hurt her by being too busy to see her 🙄 This woman is seriously hard work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 The feeling I had in the relationship while we were together and the ultimate reason I felt like I had to leave was this (I’ll put it briefly): if you looked at any random 3 week capture of time in our relationship there would be an instance where she would act unhappy. I would ask her what was wrong. She would usually not tell me and make me “chase” after it a little bit. Then she would communicate her problem and it always was something I was doing. Many times it was that I was “nickle and diming her” referring to us splitting dinners and grocery store trips etc. Other times she said I was not good with “gestures” as in I didn’t get her flowers often enough or I didn’t give her little gifts enough. My response to that was “it just seems like you’re saying I don’t buy you enough” and she would always say “you don’t have to spend a lot, just anything is enough, gestures are make me feel loved” I literally would write her a note about how much u love her at least 3 times a week. Any time I left her apartment in the morning after she had left to go to work, I would leave her a note so she would get it when she got home. Isint that sort of thing a gesture? Also, I would cook us dinner almost every night (she didn’t really cook). I was available to give her the hormone shots every day. I went to her physician appointments with her a couple of times because she asked me to. I setup doctor appointments for her when she asked me to. I did a lot for her. HOWEVER, I never gave her any sum of money. That, I just simply didn’t do. In the beginning of our relationship I paid for nearly everything we did (for the first 4 months) then I had a conversation with her about how I couldn’t keep paying for everything and that we needed to split things. She abided (seemingly a little reluctantly) and we started splitting things. That’s when the accusations that I was nickle and diming her would sporadically pop-up. She NEVER got any money from me and I never bought her any large gifts. I bought her a purse that was a few hundred dollars for her birthday. That was the extent of it. Maybe she was always frustrated I wasn’t doing more financially. The few times I have told her (after our breakup) that I felt like she was using me a little, she ALWAYS says- “What was I getting from you financially?” And she’s right, she didn’t get anything really. Further, she always says “if I wanted to use someone I can easily do that plenty of men. There are a million guys that I could get money from- this is NYC” she almost says it so confidently like she’s done it before. She has a good friend who uses a dating site to connect with older rich “sugar daddies”. So she’s privy to the concept. what do you think her end goal was with me? I never really gave her anything financially other than paying for some dinners and stuff like that. I took her on a nice trip early in our relationship. Do you think she just wanted to anchor to someone to later get alimony payments or financial support for the baby she wants to have? also, what can I do at this point (particularly regarding the loose plan we have to see one another this evening) to properly respond to her behavior? What will take her off guard? Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 15 minutes ago, thr1986 said: The few times I have told her (after our breakup) that I felt like she was using me a little, she ALWAYS says- “What was I getting from you financially?” And she’s right, she didn’t get anything really. Further, she always says “if I wanted to use someone I can easily do that plenty of men. There are a million guys that I could get money from- this is NYC” she almost says it so confidently like she’s done it before. She has a good friend who uses a dating site to connect with older rich “sugar daddies”. So she’s privy to the concept. This says it all. This was exactly what i once told you. It's easy for her to manipulate men and has pretty much admitted that she has done it to many. She knows firsthand the tricks of the trade of how to get men to bend to her will. She is doing it with you. She charms you and manipulates you into believing everything she says. 16 minutes ago, thr1986 said: what do you think her end goal was with me? You have asked this many times and the answer will always be the same. Her end goal is to get what she can out of you. She will go the whole way and mostly likely marry you. She will get her baby then you will expendable. You will be stuck with child maintenance and alimony. The outlook wont be good for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 what can I do that will get under her skin??? Right now she’s assuming I’m desperate to get back together. She’s been breaking me down all week. I know I can’t get back together. What will get under her skin at this point? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 1 minute ago, thr1986 said: what can I do that will get under her skin??? Right now she’s assuming I’m desperate to get back together. She’s been breaking me down all week. I know I can’t get back together. What will get under her skin at this point? Cut off all contact. Period. Block her on everything and move on with your life (and, most importantly, stop caring whether you get under her skin!) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) Just now, thr1986 said: What will get under her skin at this point? This...... Tell her that you have been thinking allot of things through and that you have decided that you need to be on your own for now. To be honest, you don't really need to give her an explanation, just that you need space. Edited January 10, 2020 by JTSW Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 Just now, JTSW said: This...... Tell her that you have been thinking allot of things through and that you have decided that you need to be on your own for now. To be honest, you don't really need to give her an explanation, just that you need space. How will that get under her skin? Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Just now, thr1986 said: How will that get under her skin? Because you are thinking for yourself and not going by what she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 Ok. I’ll do that. It’s interesting to me how confident she seems yet how jealous she gets about other women around me. Just a thought I’m having. But she acts like she so confident and like she can have any guy she wants and get anything she could want out of them but then she’s actually very jealous of other women around me and is very sensitive to me looking at or seemingly desiring anyone. All the girls i know that are purely acquaintentences she has seemed very jealous of Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) We always spent weekends together (for the most part) but during the week She would almost always 1-2 nights a week have dinner plans with a friend. Always girlfriends. But I don’t know that for sure. One of her good friends worked late (until 10) so when she would see her she would be with her from 10 or so until like 12:30 or 1:00am. She would always call me after to come over or have me come over, but she would be busy during that time. I’m wondering now if those engagements were genuine or if she was lying and cheating on me. She would still want to be intimate with me after her engagemtns though so if she was cheating I would think she wouldn’t want to sleep with me right after. regardless, we always spent every evening together. We slept together at her place or mine every night Edited January 10, 2020 by thr1986 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Are you going to go no contact? Did you still meet her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 2 minutes ago, JTSW said: Are you going to go no contact? Did you still meet her? Since I asked her to get back together we have seen one another one time (Monday evening). We slept together and I stayed the night. She told me she is happy to continue talking about getting back together and I think she’s definitely thinking about it but she said If she had to decide now then it’s no. She said she wanted me to become more emotionally stable, be in therapy for 6 months, so I don’t leave when things get difficult as she accuses me of doing. We have plans to see one another and talk tonight. Yesterday, I didn’t contact her as I usually do. When I didn’t contact her, she reached out to me 3 times with questions and comments. I provided matter of fact, frank responses to those three attempts. I haven’t heard from her today. I was thinking I would see her this evening And tell her I have thought about things and I will give her the space she mentioned. I’m in therapy and will stay in it and tell her that she knows how to reach me if she wants to. how does that sound? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 6 minutes ago, thr1986 said: I was thinking I would see her this evening And tell her I have thought about things and I will give her the space she mentioned. I’m in therapy and will stay in it and tell her that she knows how to reach me if she wants to. how does that sound? So nothing has changed. You will still get back with her if she wanted it. She really got you sucked in hasn't she. You shouldn't even go see her this evening. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 You should just go contact and leave it at that. You don't owe her anything. She has fooled you for long enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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