Dating for 4 months and she asked me for money. [Updated at 10 months]

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

I’d tell her you’re busy. Then be busy.

Totally agree.

Then she'll come at him saying he hurt her by being too busy to see her 🙄

This woman is seriously hard work.

[thr1986]

The feeling I had in the relationship while we were together and the ultimate reason I felt like I had to leave was this (I’ll put it briefly): if you looked at any random 3 week capture of time in our relationship there would be an instance where she would act unhappy. I would ask her what was wrong. She would usually not tell me and make me “chase” after it a little bit. Then she would communicate her problem and it always was something I was doing. Many times it was that I was “nickle and diming her” referring to us splitting dinners and grocery store trips etc. Other times she said I was not good with “gestures” as in I didn’t get her flowers often enough or I didn’t give her little gifts enough. My response to that was “it just seems like you’re saying I don’t buy you enough” and she would always say “you don’t have to spend a lot, just anything is enough, gestures are make me feel loved”

I literally would write her a note about how much u love her at least 3 times a week. Any time I left her apartment in the morning after she had left to go to work, I would leave her a note so she would get it when she got home. Isint that sort of thing a gesture? Also, I would cook us dinner almost every night (she didn’t really cook). I was available to give her the hormone shots every day. I went to her physician appointments with her a couple of times because she asked me to. I setup doctor appointments for her when she asked me to. I did a lot for her. HOWEVER, I never gave her any sum of money. That, I just simply didn’t do. In the beginning of our relationship I paid for nearly everything we did (for the first 4 months) then I had a conversation with her about how I couldn’t keep paying for everything and that we needed to split things. She abided (seemingly a little reluctantly) and we started splitting things. That’s when the accusations that I was nickle and diming her would sporadically pop-up. She NEVER got any money from me and I never bought her any large gifts. I bought her a purse that was a few hundred dollars for her birthday. That was the extent of it. Maybe she was always frustrated I wasn’t doing more financially. 
 

The few times I have told her (after our breakup) that I felt like she was using me a little, she ALWAYS says- “What was I getting from you financially?” And she’s right, she didn’t get anything really. Further, she always says “if I wanted to use someone I can easily do that plenty of men. There are a million guys that I could get money from- this is NYC” she almost says it so confidently like she’s done it before. She has a good friend who uses a dating site to connect with older rich “sugar daddies”. So she’s privy to the concept. 
 

what do you think her end goal was with me? I never really gave her anything financially other than paying for some dinners and stuff like that. I took her on a nice trip early in our relationship. Do you think she just wanted to anchor to someone to later get alimony payments or financial support for the baby she wants to have?

also, what can I do at this point (particularly regarding the loose plan we have to see one another this evening) to properly respond to her behavior? What will take her off guard?

[JTSW]

15 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

The few times I have told her (after our breakup) that I felt like she was using me a little, she ALWAYS says- “What was I getting from you financially?” And she’s right, she didn’t get anything really. Further, she always says “if I wanted to use someone I can easily do that plenty of men. There are a million guys that I could get money from- this is NYC” she almost says it so confidently like she’s done it before. She has a good friend who uses a dating site to connect with older rich “sugar daddies”. So she’s privy to the concept. 

This says it all.

This was exactly what i once told you. It's easy for her to manipulate men and has pretty much admitted that she has done it to many.

She knows firsthand the tricks of the trade of how to get men to bend to her will.

She is doing it with you.

She charms you and manipulates you into believing everything she says.

16 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

what do you think her end goal was with me?

You have asked this many times and the answer will always be the same.

Her end goal is to get what she can out of you. 

She will go the whole way and mostly likely marry you. She will get her baby then you will expendable.

You will be stuck with child maintenance and alimony.

The outlook wont be good for you.

[thr1986]

what can I do that will get under her skin??? Right now she’s assuming I’m desperate to get back together. She’s been breaking me down all week. I know I can’t get back together. What will get under her skin at this point?

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, thr1986 said:

what can I do that will get under her skin??? Right now she’s assuming I’m desperate to get back together. She’s been breaking me down all week. I know I can’t get back together. What will get under her skin at this point?

Cut off all contact. Period. Block her on everything and move on with your life (and, most importantly, stop caring whether you get under her skin!)

[JTSW]

Just now, thr1986 said:

What will get under her skin at this point?

This......

Tell her that you have been thinking allot of things through and that you have decided that you need to be on your own for now.

To be honest, you don't really need to give her an explanation, just that you need space.

Edited January 10, 2020 by JTSW

[thr1986]

Just now, JTSW said:

This......

Tell her that you have been thinking allot of things through and that you have decided that you need to be on your own for now.

To be honest, you don't really need to give her an explanation, just that you need space.

How will that get under her skin?

[JTSW]

Just now, thr1986 said:

How will that get under her skin?

Because you are thinking for yourself and not going by what she wants.

[thr1986]

Ok. I’ll do that. 
 

It’s interesting to me how confident she seems yet how jealous she gets about other women around me. Just a thought I’m having. But she acts like she so confident and like she can have any guy she wants and get anything she could want out of them but then she’s actually very jealous of other women around me and is very sensitive to me looking at or seemingly desiring anyone. All the girls i know that are purely acquaintentences she has seemed very jealous of 

[thr1986]

We always spent weekends together (for the most part)  but during the week She would almost always 1-2 nights a week have dinner plans with a friend. Always girlfriends. But I don’t know that for sure. One of her good friends worked late (until 10) so when she would see her she would be with her from 10 or so until like 12:30 or 1:00am. She would always call me after to come over or have me come over, but she would be busy during that time. I’m wondering now if those engagements were genuine or if she was lying and cheating on me. She would still want to be intimate with me after her engagemtns though so if she was cheating I would think she wouldn’t want to sleep with me right after.

 

regardless, we always spent every evening together. We slept together at her place or mine every night 

Edited January 10, 2020 by thr1986

[JTSW]

Are you going to go no contact? 

Did you still meet her? 

[thr1986]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Are you going to go no contact? 

Did you still meet her? 

Since I asked her to get back together we have seen one another one time (Monday evening). We slept together and I stayed the night. She told me she is happy to continue talking about getting back together and I think she’s definitely thinking about it but she said If she had to decide now then it’s no. She said she wanted me to become more emotionally stable, be in therapy for 6 months, so I don’t leave when things get difficult as she accuses me of doing. We have plans to see one another and talk tonight. Yesterday, I didn’t contact her as I usually do. When I didn’t contact her, she reached out to me 3 times with questions and comments. I provided matter of fact, frank responses to those three attempts. I haven’t heard from her today. 
 

I was thinking I would see her this evening And tell her I have thought about things and I will give her the space she mentioned. I’m in therapy and will stay in it and tell her that she knows how to reach me if she wants to. 
 

how does that sound?

[JTSW]

6 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

I was thinking I would see her this evening And tell her I have thought about things and I will give her the space she mentioned. I’m in therapy and will stay in it and tell her that she knows how to reach me if she wants to.

how does that sound?

So nothing has changed. 

You will still get back with her if she wanted it.

She really got you sucked in hasn't she. 

You shouldn't even go see her this evening. 

[JTSW]

You should just go contact and leave it at that. 

You don't owe her anything. 

She has fooled you for long enough. 

[thr1986]

I think I’m just addicted to the attention. Having her as (even now) feeling like an ally, someone I can lean on and she leans on me. I dislike being and feeling alone. Having her love and feeling like a priority to someone - her- (even now when I know I’m not) just feels so nice and that’s what is hard about leaving and also likely why I came back.

I love her company. Waking up with her in the morning. Etc 

 

is this feeling normal? This is the feeling that makes me feel like it’s wrong to leave. especially when she resolves my complaints. Then it feels like leaving is wrong 

 

how do I get past this?

Edited January 10, 2020 by thr1986

[JTSW]

19 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

I think I’m just addicted to the attention. Having her as (even now) feeling like an ally, someone I can lean on and she leans on me. I dislike being and feeling alone. Having her love and feeling like a priority to someone - her- (even now when I know I’m not) just feels so nice and that’s what is hard about leaving and also likely why I came back.

I love her company. Waking up with her in the morning. Etc 

 

is this feeling normal? This is the feeling that makes me feel like it’s wrong to leave. especially when she resolves my complaints. Then it feels like leaving is wrong 

 

how do I get past this?

By going cold turkey. 

Don't meet her. 

[thr1986]

16 minutes ago, JTSW said:

By going cold turkey. 

Don't meet her. 

Ok.

i keep second guessing myself when I think back. So for example- when I convince myself maybe she was cheating. Then I remember that when we first started dating she had me get STD tested. So she must be careful right?? So how would she be cheating ?

 

also, she always wanted me to go to couples therapy. Why do you think she wanted me to do that?

Edited January 10, 2020 by thr1986

[introverted1]

thr, you sound addicted.  The more often you go through this cycle of on/off, together/apart, wanting/rejecting, the stronger your addiction to the highs and lows this provides.  Your only way out is to go cold turkey.  And yes, this will be hard -- very hard! -- for a while.  But it's the only path forward.  The alternative is another 22 pages and months of doubt, depression, anxiety, fear, etc.

It's abundantly clear to everyone here (and I challenge you to find another thread with so many opinions, all of which are unanimous is view) and your own father that this woman and this relationship are not healthy.  If your true end goal is to marry and have a happy life with a loving partner, then you need to get out of this toxic situation which has had you tied up in knots for months now. 

Prioritize you.

[thr1986]

Will I find a love again that is as exciting and optimistic as this one felt?

 

i wish she could just be a reasonable partner. Her parents have been married for 40 years. The example she grew up with is just wonderful love. I have met them. I don’t understand this. Who gets to be happy with this woman? I wish I could figure out how to make it work

[JTSW]

You know what.... 

Go meet her. Go give her your heart and your sperm and have it ripped apart by her when she kicks you out of hers and your child's life. 

That's what you're going to anyway isn't it, regardless of any warnings here. 

Good luck 

[balletomane]

17 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

Will I find a love again that is as exciting and optimistic as this one felt?

 

i wish she could just be a reasonable partner. Her parents have been married for 40 years. The example she grew up with is just wonderful love. I have met them. I don’t understand this. Who gets to be happy with this woman? I wish I could figure out how to make it work

Almost from the moment you got together this woman, you've been worried that she's using you, caught up in constant manipulative guilt trips, and at the same time frightened of losing her.

This is what you're calling exciting and optimistic.

The question you need to be asking yourself, with the help of your therapist, is why a rollercoaster relationship full of guilt, doubts, arguments, and anxiety feels like something good to you.

[thr1986]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

You know what.... 

Go meet her. Go give her your heart and your sperm and have it ripped apart by her when she kicks you out of hers and your child's life. 

That's what you're going to anyway isn't it, regardless of any warnings here. 

Good luck 

I’m not going to get back with her. I value your advice and I’m not doing it. I just am communicating my feelings and thoughts here. It’s therapeutic for me. And your responses are helpful so thank you

[thr1986]

50 minutes ago, balletomane said:

Almost from the moment you got together this woman, you've been worried that she's using you, caught up in constant manipulative guilt trips, and at the same time frightened of losing her.

This is what you're calling exciting and optimistic.

The question you need to be asking yourself, with the help of your therapist, is why a rollercoaster relationship full of guilt, doubts, arguments, and anxiety feels like something good to you.

I don’t know. I have a session with my therapist on Tuesday. I will broach that topic 

[S2B]

3 hours ago, thr1986 said:

what can I do that will get under her skin??? Right now she’s assuming I’m desperate to get back together. She’s been breaking me down all week. I know I can’t get back together. What will get under her skin at this point?

Don’t ever see her again 

it’s that simple - quit making it so complicated.

she is a woman who uses you and makes YOU feel bad so she can feel better about herself! 

She is better off alone!

do NOT see her tonight. Quit being so weak.

[thr1986]

Ok. This whole experience has just made me so dependent on her and experience a loss of personal confidence. It feels like the world is lonely without her. It’s tough but I know it’s the right thing.