Autumn Sunflower Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 I read some of the posts and I have the feeling thr1986 that you just don't love yourself and you are your own worst enemy. You are letting some other girl who doesn't even sound like a good catch ,dictate your life and happiness. Life is way too short for that. It is time you do whatever you need to do to get your life back on track and learning to love yourself and to be your own best friend. Go to another therapist but don't think that a therapist will tell you what to do...he will only guide you ...that decision is up to you. And, don't tell yourself it is hard or whatever excuses you keep on making...go no contact!!! Link to post Share on other sites
balletomane Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 6 hours ago, thr1986 said: I start to forget the bad stuff. I forget that she asked me to create a baby with her and help pay for it at 3 months of knowing me etc But you don't forget it. If you did forget you wouldn't be posting here every time you break up, listing all these things you've supposedly forgotten. I'm wondering if part of you is enjoying the 'drama' of all this. Some people find troubled relationships to be quite stimulating and absorbing, to the point where an ordinary happy one looks mundane and boring by comparison. Again, this is something to explore with a therapist. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 14, 2020 Author Share Posted March 14, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, S2B said: Do not go see her!!!! journal and journal instead! I didn’t see her. It was a feeling. I have a hard time being alone. That’s what makes this so difficult. Being and living alone through a breakup like this is hard for me. Which is why I keep coming here for reassurance. My sister couldn’t believe I started talking to her again. She was shocked. I need to learn to see things in the same light. For some reason the feeling of someone taking advantage of me makes me feel like they are better than me for being able to or trying to take advantage. And that feeling makes me want to stay with them Edited March 14, 2020 by thr1986 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 14, 2020 Author Share Posted March 14, 2020 (edited) Leading up to my breakup with her last Friday this is how I was feeling: I was feeling like any thought or feeling I had regarding how I wanted our relationship to be between her and I would almost always be confronted by her she would usually resist whatever my feeling was. For example she is planning a trip to go to a resort with her friend and her friends three children this summer. She also was saying she wants to go somewhere with me this summer. Her trip with her friend to this resort would be a trip where her friend and her friends children are going to be staying in their own room and my ex-girlfriend would be staying alone in a different room. My thought was that I could go with her on this trip that’s far away overseas and we can stay in a room at the resort together since my ex would’ve been alone in the room anyways. SheBasically said no and then explained that it would be weird for me to go with her on that trip. Why would it be weird for me to go with her, she would be staying in a room on her by herself anyways And wouldn’t she want me to go with her on a trip so far away particularly when she’s staying in a room alone and spending some time during the day with her friend and her friends kids, what about all of the other time when her friend is with her children and taking care of her children.? Something about her stance on this and the way she was handling it made me feel like she was being dishonest. I’m sure she was actually going to see your friend there, but it also made me feel like she just did not want me to go and it made me wonder why she didn’t want me to go why would she not want me there during those times when every night should be going out to sleep alone in a room alone in a foreign country? Something about it just felt weird and when I tried to ask to go and explain my feelings about how it felt weird, I was confronted and told that I was wrong. This is how most situations similar to this were handled. I was almost always confronted and I had to give in to whatever her feeling about the situation may have been. Also she many times was somewhat frustrated if I started to make a lot of plans with other friends throughout the week. For example a couple of weeks ago I went to dinner tonight‘s in a row with two different friends, both platonic male friends. The morning of the second night she was angry that I was going to dinner that evening. She wasn’t saying out right that she was angry but she was acting upset and acting disapproved. In her frustration, acting like she’s that disapproves of me going to dinner again the second time, she kept asking me what time I would be finished. I explained to her that I wasn’t sure what time I would be finished, however I told her what where I was going and what time I was meeting him there. Something about her demeanor just seemed frustrated that I was having other plans and not coming straight home to hang out with her. So, because of that it felt like she felt the need to make plans also since I was busy and she just very vaguely said “what time will you be finished tonight? I may have some errands I need to run tonight” and Honestly that just got under my skin, it was so vague and her entire demeanor around it was so agitated, it made me feel like she was trying to make me feel like she was being shady. Then, when I reacted to it and ask her what her errands were and acted a little bit agitated that she was acting the way she was, she acted like I was the problem because I was questioning her simply saying she was going to run some errands. It just turned into this entire ordeal and many things between us often do you turn into an ordeal similar to this and it just always feels like she’s twisting things and making me out to be the problem and setting up traps for me to fall into. Edited March 14, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 2 hours ago, thr1986 said: For some reason the feeling of someone taking advantage of me makes me feel like they are better than me for being able to or trying to take advantage. And that feeling makes me want to stay with them You do know that this is a very, very dysfunctional response. It really sounds like your former GF suffers from some cluster B personality disorder. Can you seek out therapy and/or a support group? You are not alone in this from my experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 14, 2020 Author Share Posted March 14, 2020 15 minutes ago, SumGuy said: You do know that this is a very, very dysfunctional response. It really sounds like your former GF suffers from some cluster B personality disorder. Can you seek out therapy and/or a support group? You are not alone in this from my experience. What do you mean my response is dysfunctional? Is there something wrong with me too? And what do you think her personality disorder may be? (She has a twin brother that is severely bipolar and borderline) Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 14, 2020 Author Share Posted March 14, 2020 19 minutes ago, SumGuy said: You do know that this is a very, very dysfunctional response. It really sounds like your former GF suffers from some cluster B personality disorder. Can you seek out therapy and/or a support group? You are not alone in this from my experience. Histrionic personality disorder sounds very much like her Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, thr1986 said: What do you mean my response is dysfunctional? Is there something wrong with me too? And what do you think her personality disorder may be? (She has a twin brother that is severely bipolar and borderline) I really think you need to talk to someone whose profession this is. The response I am talking about is that when someone takes advantage of you it makes you want them more. In my experience, people want to get away from and like someone less who takes advantage of them. You may have hit the nail on the head, borderline personality disorder is a cluster B disorder, that can often be diagnosed as something else (although co-morbidity is high) for insurance purposes. I have heard some insurance companies do not pay for treatment for a borderline diagnosis....that could just be rumor though and it could be there are no meds indicated for it. Breaking up with her I think was a very good and healthy response. Edited March 14, 2020 by SumGuy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 14, 2020 Author Share Posted March 14, 2020 I have another ex girlfriend from several years ago that was bipolar (clinically) and likely borderline. When I started dating this girl (the girl were talking about in this forum) I told her about my ex girlfriend from years ago and how she was borderline. This girl asked me if I felt like I had a savior complex or the need to save and fix someone. I said I didn’t think so. But I feel like she sensed that I did (and maybe I do). Maybe she just felt like I was the perfect person for her given her issues and how she needs saving regarding her infertility, etc. she asked me if I was attracted to borderline women normally. I said I didn’t think so. But she seemed to like that maybe I was attracted to borderline women. She seemed to be happy about that. She was sending me excerpts from a book she was reading on borderline personality disorder when we first met. Like almost for no reason, just sending me photos of the page with a description of symptoms. It was weird. I asked her why are you sending me this information? She sent it out of no where. She said it was because she was wondering if I noticed anything in the text that reminded me of my ex. It just seemed weird. Also in the beginning of the relationship she kept telling me how sad she was. She would solicit my affection by telling me she’s so sad about this or about that etc Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 She's dominating you. That's what's going on. You feel too weak to say no to her or get her out of your life. The only way to deal with someone trying to take advantage of you is to put them firmly OUT of your life. Here in one breath, you have said you're no contact and then that you begged to go on the trip with her. You need to change locks, block her on social media, block her on your cellphone, and walk away. She's keeping you in a knot. It's ridiculous. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 14, 2020 Author Share Posted March 14, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, preraph said: She's dominating you. That's what's going on. You feel too weak to say no to her or get her out of your life. The only way to deal with someone trying to take advantage of you is to put them firmly OUT of your life. Here in one breath, you have said you're no contact and then that you begged to go on the trip with her. You need to change locks, block her on social media, block her on your cellphone, and walk away. She's keeping you in a knot. It's ridiculous. Me asking to go on the trip with her was when we were together. Now that we’re not together I’m not talking to her anymore and I obviously wouldn’t go on the trip with her the trip thing I thought was weird because it just seems like we’re a couple and we would do that together (assuming we would still be together when we were talking about the trip) Edited March 14, 2020 by thr1986 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 Trust me, that woman has more than one life going on. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 14, 2020 Author Share Posted March 14, 2020 4 minutes ago, preraph said: Trust me, that woman has more than one life going on. I just don’t understand how. I literally spent every single night with her. She kept her phone around me and stuff I could see if someone was texting her. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 She could be doing it from a computer at work or anything. I just don't trust her. She's so desperate to find someone to finance her, I bet she's always looking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 14, 2020 Author Share Posted March 14, 2020 My problem and the thing that hurts me is that since she was trying to use me it makes me feel like I’m not as good as her. Like she overcame me and like she wouldn’t have chosen to be with me romantically if it weren’t that she felt like she could use me. The feeling is like maybe she’s better looking than me or more charasimatic or just all around a more successful person since she preyed on me. in reality, she makes 50k a year At one job and then she has a bunch of cash all the time (most of her income is cash) because she sees patients who mostly pay her in cash or check. So professionally she’s not more successful than I am but it just feels that way when she picked me to try and take advantage of Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 14, 2020 Author Share Posted March 14, 2020 So maybe her overall income is 150k if she’s able to make 150k in cash from her private patients she sees 2 days a week. Only 50 of that is actually real documented and taxed income. She keeps a safe of cash in her apartment from her private patients. I know this sounds shady but it’s true. I also see a therapist who only accepts cash. It’s just the way it is with them. I don’t see how she’s doing to raise a baby on 150k (at best) in nyc with most of that income being cash. I mean she can’t pay for all medical bills and hospital bills and stuff for a baby in cash Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 15, 2020 Author Share Posted March 15, 2020 I mean, she had to have been using me right? Or at least rushing it too much and not being fair to me about the progression? Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 7 hours ago, thr1986 said: So maybe her overall income is 150k if she’s able to make 150k in cash from her private patients she sees 2 days a week. Only 50 of that is actually real documented and taxed income. She keeps a safe of cash in her apartment from her private patients. I know this sounds shady but it’s true. I also see a therapist who only accepts cash. It’s just the way it is with them. I don’t see how she’s doing to raise a baby on 150k (at best) in nyc with most of that income being cash. I mean she can’t pay for all medical bills and hospital bills and stuff for a baby in cash Are you sure your math is correct? Her employment/job situation? THAT IS A TON OF MONEY from just two clients! She can easily pay for things with her cash. Easy to convert to money orders, bank checks, etc. She may have a credit card for purchases. Yikes. I thought this thread was done and done. She was not a good person. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 15, 2020 Author Share Posted March 15, 2020 1 hour ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Are you sure your math is correct? Her employment/job situation? THAT IS A TON OF MONEY from just two clients! She can easily pay for things with her cash. Easy to convert to money orders, bank checks, etc. She may have a credit card for purchases. Yikes. I thought this thread was done and done. She was not a good person. Move on. Two days of patients. Two full days, full of patients. 6-8 patients each day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 41 minutes ago, thr1986 said: Two days of patients. Two full days, full of patients. 6-8 patients each day. Ah, ok. Missed that. She should be history. Please move on. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, thr1986 said: My problem and the thing that hurts me is that since she was trying to use me it makes me feel like I’m not as good as her. Like she overcame me and like she wouldn’t have chosen to be with me romantically if it weren’t that she felt like she could use me. The feeling is like maybe she’s better looking than me or more charasimatic or just all around a more successful person since she preyed on me. You broke up with her and you block her means she didn't overcome you. You decided to move on so therefore you overcame her. From all you've written you're better than her, not the other way around. She just wants to control you, that isn't love. Sounds as if she has borderline personality disorder since she fears both abandonment and intimacy. This has taken you awhile to work through but you're at the end of it because YOU are the one who decided to end it! That's a strong thing to do. Stick with it. Realize that a great deal of the time breaking up is lonely because a person gets used to the comfort of having someone else there, even in bad relationships. It's sometimes a hard thing to do but you just have to take yourself to the woodshed and do it. Because your entire family realizes your need to get away from her and everyone on this thread does, after talking with you about it for months, you can rest assured you never should second guess your decision. And get a new therapist. One who doesn't know this person. Edited March 15, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 Report your ex to the IRS. And while you're at it, report your own therapist and find yourself a new one. You will have done a community service and they'll get what's coming to them. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 15, 2020 Author Share Posted March 15, 2020 5 hours ago, S2B said: How much she makes isn’t significant. Her intention is to never spend any money she makes. yes she used you. And she will keep using you as long as you communicate with her. she doesn’t want to pay for a thing and she makes very high demands. be glad to be rid of that ball and chain. She can be some other man’s problem now. The sad thing is that when we broke up, she found a new boyfriend so quickly. It was really surprising. He was a couple of years older, was divorced and had a kid already. When her and I got back together she of course broke up when him but I honestly don’t think she broke up with him telling him it’s because of me. I think she told him she needed a little space and time while she has her ivf baby and didn’t make him feel like it was iver forever. He texted her again a few weeks after they broke up just asking how she was doing. another thing I’ve noticed is that every relationship she starts, she cries with the new guy about something horrible that’s happened to her in a previous relationship and uses her infertility issue as leverage also to immediately make the new guy feel bad for her. Link to post Share on other sites
balletomane Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 (edited) You are obsessed with this woman. You do have a problem here. If you're not a couple, you want to be parsing and analysing her behaviour online, asking the same questions over and over again...until you get back together. Then the cycle starts again. The sad thing is not how rapidly she moved on. The sad thing is that you keep choosing to put yourself in this situation. Get a different therapist (I suspect that the reason why you stay with this one is because you feel like she's a link with your ex, as they know each other) and go properly no contact. It will hurt at first, just like antiseptic lotion hurts on a cut, but after the initial sting you will start to feel better. Edited March 15, 2020 by balletomane 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 15, 2020 Author Share Posted March 15, 2020 17 minutes ago, balletomane said: You are obsessed with this woman. You do have a problem here. If you're not a couple, you want to be parsing and analysing her behaviour online, asking the same questions over and over again...until you get back together. Then the cycle starts again. The sad thing is not how rapidly she moved on. The sad thing is that you keep choosing to put yourself in this situation. Get a different therapist (I suspect that the reason why you stay with this one is because you feel like she's a link with your ex, as they know each other) and go properly no contact. It will hurt at first, just like antiseptic lotion hurts on a cut, but after the initial sting you will start to feel better. Ok. I just want to feel 100% confident that leaving her is the right choice. The thought that I’m being unreasonable and I’m leaving someone who could have been a viable partner makes me feel like it’s wrong. She always said she wanted to be together forever and wanted to do the work we needed to do to be better lovers to one another so when I think about her saying that it makes me wonder if this is a mistake, leaving her. But, perhaps she said the same things to her ex husband and she divorced him Link to post Share on other sites
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