Author thr1986 Posted March 15, 2020 Author Share Posted March 15, 2020 Leaving is definitely the right thing, correct? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 Correct. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 15, 2020 Author Share Posted March 15, 2020 59 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Correct. Why do I question this so much? Last Friday when I left I was so sure that it had to end. We fell asleep Thursday night with her turning away from me and not touching me in bed what so ever because I brought up how I thought she wouldn’t ever compromise with me. So her reaction to that was to turn away and shun me. I hate that. It’s so hurtful. It’s why I left. I felt like she couldn’t have a compromising conversation with me Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 (edited) I would recommend trying to get in with a new T ASAP. I am just an armchair one, but I do believe it’s normal to question things after a break, especially a force dump. Your feelings are still tied to this person, so you must go through the process of distancing yourself from them. It can be a long, hard process full moments of hurt, weakness, and doubt. You appear to have low self esteem and obsessive tendencies as well so that definitely isn’t helping. Edited March 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, thr1986 said: The thought that I’m being unreasonable and I’m leaving someone who could have been a viable partner makes me feel like it’s wrong. then go back and pay for all her baby stuff if by now, you are still thinking she's a viable partner (who manipulates you). Quote her turning away from me and not touching me in bed what so ever because I brought up how I thought she wouldn’t ever compromise with me. So her reaction to that was to turn away and shun me. I hate that. It’s so hurtful. It’s why I left. I felt like she couldn’t have a compromising conversation with me And you're not going to---she isn't here to compromise with you--don't you get that by now? It's her way or no way. Compromise is out past the Oort Cloud with her. Past the Pillars of Creation, too, truth be told. Clearly, you talk a good game about not dealing with her, but then you go and deal with her then find yourself back at square -1. Have you switched therapists yet? If not, why not? What is the hold up? What are you afraid of finding out about yourself in therapy? Edited March 15, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted March 15, 2020 Author Share Posted March 15, 2020 2 hours ago, kendahke said: then go back and pay for all her baby stuff if by now, you are still thinking she's a viable partner (who manipulates you). And you're not going to---she isn't here to compromise with you--don't you get that by now? It's her way or no way. Compromise is out past the Oort Cloud with her. Past the Pillars of Creation, too, truth be told. Clearly, you talk a good game about not dealing with her, but then you go and deal with her then find yourself back at square -1. Have you switched therapists yet? If not, why not? What is the hold up? What are you afraid of finding out about yourself in therapy? I found a new therapist. Psychoanalysis is the therapy discipline that my ex practiced. I’m currently seeing a psychoanalyst that was affiliated with the same institute as her, but my analyst is much older and tenured. My ex apparently is very respected in the institute and has started a committee and the other analysts respect her. So I think my analyst is maybe a little bias because she knows her and sees that success but she may not really see how manipulative she can be. I found another psychoanalyst who I have an appointment to see on April 1. I like the idea of psychoanalysis because it is purely talk therapy and geared to help you uncover subconscious issues you may have. I don’t want to see a shrink and take meds. That’s not going to fix anything Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 5 hours ago, thr1986 said: So I think my analyst is maybe a little bias because she knows her and sees that success but she may not really see how manipulative she can be. Of course she doesn't. She only knows what your ex wants her to know, not the truth. Same with everyone else there--none of them are dating her or were hit up to pay for her baby-fever schemes. 6 hours ago, thr1986 said: I found another psychoanalyst who I have an appointment to see on April 1. Someone not affiliated with your ex's practice, right? Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 On 3/14/2020 at 7:19 PM, thr1986 said: The feeling is like maybe she’s better looking than me During our private conversations i noticed that you stressed about this allot. Like i said, attractiveness has got nothing to do with it, it's not all about looks, but it appears very important to you. You liked that you had a very attractive girlfriend and now you are panicking that you wont find anyone that attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 (edited) you've been dating for only 4 months and you're already talking about getting married? Not even co-habitating first to figure out if you guys can get along living together? That's the first red-flag. The second red-flag is having her ask you for money when your relationship isn't even 6 months, especially for something like getting pregnant, when there's already plenty of babies and young children who are out there looking for a home already. Don't provide her with your money. Don't provide her with your sperm, if she's asking for it. You become eligible to pay for the kid for at least 18 years, even if you don't recognize it as your kid. Quote The feeling is like maybe she’s better looking than me There are tons of attractive women around, man. Don't ruin your life because you're convinced you will never have a woman as attractive as that one as your girlfriend. Hit the gym hard and your feelings of being less physically attractive will be diminuished. Edited March 16, 2020 by Azincourt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, thr1986 said: I found a new therapist. Psychoanalysis is the therapy discipline that my ex practiced. I’m currently seeing a psychoanalyst that was affiliated with the same institute as her, but my analyst is much older and tenured. My ex apparently is very respected in the institute and has started a committee and the other analysts respect her. So I think my analyst is maybe a little bias because she knows her and sees that success but she may not really see how manipulative she can be. I found another psychoanalyst who I have an appointment to see on April 1. I like the idea of psychoanalysis because it is purely talk therapy and geared to help you uncover subconscious issues you may have. I don’t want to see a shrink and take meds. That’s not going to fix anything Oh gosh, I don't want you to take this as a kick when you are down. It's mainly---as everyone is trying to do--is trying to give you some wording that will serve as a wakeup call: you are ruminating at a major major level. It's keeping you stuck IN this. When you are not with her, you come here and rehash and rehash things, it's probably only a tiny portion of what is going on in your mind so I really feel bad for you. I believe that no contact is kind of two fold: there is a the first part where you stop contacting or allowing contact from the person and then there is the secondary part where you don't allow your mind to engage with thoughts or any effort whatsoever about that person. Churning your thoughts over and over regarding her, her intentions and your decision-making and actions is a failure on the second front...so was the tupperware discussion but I digress... If you want to stop being someone that is being walked all over, then DO that. You don't really need an epiphany or some expert to tell you so. You don't need to be validated or 100% confirmed externally, ie she's a bad or good person. (stop living your life through the lens of her). You need to lead your own life, decide at very least it's more bad than good and sometimes you never get the full answer but that YOU have decided it doesn't work for you and take a path! Take yourself out of your own indecision, it's making you weaker not like you believe the analysis you do over and over will come to a concrete solution or that you ask for here but do not heed will help. Like someone said, there are 28 pages of people over a year taking time out of their lives to help a guy in crisis and there comes a time where you need to help yourself. I think not wanting to be medicated is fine but totally disagree that more talk therapy of any kind will be the right thing for you. You are looking for deep, deep answers and missing the easy ones right in front of you. You need simple, "doing" type stuff. I think especially with the amount of ruminating you do that you should find CBT therapist. otherwise you will stay stuck. and for the life of me I can't figure out why you set critical therapy appointments so far in the future when you need help immediately. TBH, the coronavirus & its fallout is the only excuse i would take on not having a therapy appointment in the next couple of days. good luck Edited March 16, 2020 by Versacehottie 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 40 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: You need simple, "doing" type stuff. I think especially with the amount of ruminating you do that you should find CBT therapist. otherwise you will stay stuck. I agree with all of what Versace said, and especially this. You are a perfect candidate for CBT so you can begin replacing unhealthy thoughts and behaviors with healthy ones. And yes, see if you can get an appointment sooner than April. Not sure where you are or what insurance you have but some even offer virtual visits. Might be worth seeing if you can do this until you can a f2f appointment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 I think you’re dealing with scarcity. If you were dating more women and had more options you wouldn’t be so obsessed with this nutty chick 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 yeah, if the guy spent his 20s studying hard and working hard and wasn't the type to head out to nightclubs or to spring break, it's not like he's going to have much experience with attractive women, making him want to hold on to this toxic girlfriend much longer than necessary. Meet more women. There's tons of women worth your time that won't complicate your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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