Dating for 4 months and she asked me for money. [Updated at 10 months]

[Love2015]

I can understand the whole fertility thing. I also realize you said you love her. I advice you this...have unprotected sex (after making sure you both clean) and if she gets pregnant meant to be. If not then ...as you both love each other and of you still do a year later then think of all this fertility thing. Having said this follow what you want. Don't jump stages. Also ...please read what love bombing is.

[thr1986]

We have been having unprotected sex our whole relationship (after both getting tested in the beginning). She’s never gotten pregnant.

[thr1986]

She has a very low egg count, almost zero. She’s entering menapause early. That’s why when she went through the egg harvesting process, she harvested almost no eggs. She was only able to harvest 3 total, in 5 rounds of attempts. When she consulted me about going through the process again, she was still quite in debt and was upset she was only able to harvest three eggs and she had only known me for 4 months. She said she loved me intensely and didn’t want to loose the chance of having a baby later with me. Instead of asking me to fertilize one of the 3 eggs she did have, she asked me to help pay for another attempt at harvesting eggs.

 

So if she really wanted to just create an embryo with me why wouldn’t she have asked me to harvest one of the existing eggs, rather than help pay for another round of egg harvesting.

 

If the round worked, then she would have more eggs. This is why I feel a little used

[Maddie82]

That's because she IS using you. The moment she gets what she wants she will no longer have any use for you.

[Versacehottie]

Idk, i think you are splitting hairs wondering about why she didn't have you fertilize the eggs that already existed vs asking you to pay for another round of retrieval. Does it really matter in the big scheme of things? It's pushy. You feel duped; even worse the requests would keep coming since i stand by that this is not enough money and she knows your an easy target. I can only guess that perhaps 3 eggs is not the ideal way to find yourself pregnant. A girl i follow on IG is trying and needs about 16 (i think) to get a healthy emberyo. She is writing all about her process etc.

 

I think you are being really naive to have sex without a condom with her agenda. She is bound to get more desperate as time goes on and not getting what she wants. One slip up/hookup now that you are broken up and you could be looking at a lot of responsibility and a lifetime of an obligation which you are dragged into (not choosing it when it is right for you and with right person). I feel like you half want her to pick you as a husband/father if you are worried about feeling used for the money part but not chosen as the "father". She's either played head games so well that you are messed up or your own ego/personality is playing into this. I can't see why you would dump her and then keep debating this part of it, which is clearly a huge red flag. I can see debating other parts like connection you had with her but this part not at all. It's like it's a pyramid and her stubbornness about this issue is insight into what any future issue would be like with her. Oh btw, if she succeeded in getting pregnant and played by the "rules" i.e. it's her kid and she takes care of it financially and otherwise, are you prepared that your relationship would be vastly different?? She would be a new, single mom with virtually no free time and different priorities and interests to now. You made the right decision. Accept it. So you can move on. Good luck

[kendahke]

We have been having unprotected sex our whole relationship (after both getting tested in the beginning). She’s never gotten pregnant.

 

So you've been open to the idea of having children with her--that's why she suggested what she did.

 

One of my friends was adopted as a baby because his adoptive mom couldn't have children. After about 18 months, she became pregnant with my friend's little brother.

 

I have a friend who now, at about 45 years old, just gave birth to her first child after having been married to the same guy for over 20 years.

 

Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it can't happen. All it takes is one with a sense of direction. Do you want to parent children with her and be with her for the rest of your life?

[dramallama]

So you've been open to the idea of having children with her--that's why she suggested what she did.

 

One of my friends was adopted as a baby because his adoptive mom couldn't have children. After about 18 months, she became pregnant with my friend's little brother.

 

Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it can't happen. All it takes is one with a sense of direction. Do you want to parent children with her and be with her for the rest of your life?

 

 

Hi - same here!! - my parents adopted me because my dad had a low count and slow swimmers after mumps in his teens. Their miracle child appeared when I was 9, and he is definitely my dad's.

 

So just because the odds are low, doesn't make it impossible.

[thr1986]

Well, fortunately she didn’t get pregnant during the year we dated and had unprotected sex. If she did, for some reason, of course she would have wanted to keep it given her situation.

 

Now I need to walk away. She sends me Text messages Daily trying to pull my heart strings. Just need to ignore

[The Outlaw]

That isn't your problem to be her financial benefactor. If she wants a baby that badly, the money she's asking for needs to come out of her back pocket, not yours. But given your update, leave her be. Do not respond and she'll move onto someone else.

[kendahke]

In the future, may I suggest making crystal clear to any woman when they bring up talk about children that (if this is true for you) children are wonderful, but not in the immediate future. Any talk or thoughts about trying for a baby are 5-8 years off your radar. And follow suit with necessary BC.

 

Make that clear to them so this situation doesn't rise up behind you again.

 

And don't be made to feel guilty that you want to allow a relationship to develop slowly and organically. That's the only way to discover if the love you have for one another is the right love, not love that's a means to an end.

 

Children deserve to be born into a home where both parents want them equally the same.

[thr1986]

Good advice. I’m feeling quite hopeless lately, to be honest. I feel defeated, having been in a few serious relationships and never making it work. I’m 33. Wtf is wrong with me. I’m good looking, well employed, I’m just not an ******* to women and that seems to put me at a disadvantage. I’m so sick of all of this.

[preraph]

Try dating different types of women, women who are clearly interested in you. Maybe you're not good at picking good women for whatever reason. Maybe you give a vibe that you can be taken advantage of. Maybe you're giving a vibe of paying to date better looking (but lower quality). When what you're doing isn't working, stop doing it. So if you've been letting them pick you, stop that and you pick them . If you've been doing the picking, stand around and see what type women come around being attracted to you. If you have been dating high style, date someone that looks more down to earth, or vice versa.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Good advice. I’m feeling quite hopeless lately, to be honest. I feel defeated, having been in a few serious relationships and never making it work. I’m 33. Wtf is wrong with me. I’m good looking, well employed, I’m just not an ******* to women and that seems to put me at a disadvantage. I’m so sick of all of this.

 

Forget dating for a time and work on yourself. That means to throw yourself into your work and hobbies. I know most people want true love RIGHT NOW! But, if you're finding yourself always on the losing end it could be that, as preraph wrote, you're dating the wrong types. If you're dating the wrong types it's possible you are being attracted to the wrong types for unhealthy reasons. That would stem from an unhealthy perspective.

 

Also, you write that you're sick of all this which sounds a little desperate or possibly needy. Some women can sense this and may lose respect for you or date you to take advantage of you.

 

Draw firm boundaries in what you will accept and not accept and don't deviate from them for a woman who catches your eye and your heartstrings. As soon as you feel disrespected, it's time to deal with it or leave the relationship.

 

I believe if you develop confidence in who you are, and realize you don't NEED a woman you'll begin to draw more healthy women into your relationships.

 

And remember, too, that many many have to date a lot of people before finding, "the one." Not that there is only one person out there you can be happily married to.

 

We've become somewhat accustomed to instant gratification. You have plenty of time to find your SO and settle into a relationship with her.

[ChatroomHero]

Good advice. I’m feeling quite hopeless lately, to be honest. I feel defeated, having been in a few serious relationships and never making it work. I’m 33. Wtf is wrong with me. I’m good looking, well employed, I’m just not an ******* to women and that seems to put me at a disadvantage. I’m so sick of all of this.

 

Your problem is simple. You aren't selective. You probably feel that you can;t afford to be, or if she is hot enough, or out of your league, that will make u for everything.

 

It was clear this woman wanted to use you, she wanted something eally badly and didn;t have the money but she wanted it bad enough she was totally ok with using you like some moron.

 

If at any point you stepped back and analyzed the situation outside of it, you'd see she was basically saying, "I'll do the minimum I need to do with you to get the money I need and then worry about the rest later".

 

It's not about you needing to be an a-hole, it's just about you need to be a man and not sell out for the first pretty face you see. Look at it this way, she was and is an a-hole to you and and you stuck around and couldn't get enough. But how would that EVER work out? So if you act like an ass to get a woman and it works, would you ever be happy? Would it ever really work?

 

Instead of blaming the reaction of women or deciding you don't offer what women want, why not look internally and realize that if you don't think with your head and be selective and not let yourself in those situations, you'll attract a different class of woman?

[kendahke]

Good advice. I’m feeling quite hopeless lately, to be honest. I feel defeated, having been in a few serious relationships and never making it work. I’m 33. Wtf is wrong with me. I’m good looking, well employed, I’m just not an ******* to women and that seems to put me at a disadvantage. I’m so sick of all of this.

 

Not being an a-hole is an attractive quality when it's presented to a woman who is genuine and not on some agenda.

 

You would probably benefit from a break from dating for a while and do some work on yourself so that you have a better working woman-picker.

 

Also, understand that your (ex) girlfriend is trained in how to mentally manipulate people--it's her job to know how to do that. She thought that by being saccharin sweet with you, she could manipulate you into signing a check for her--that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the kind of person she actually is.

 

Try not to internalize this. At least your paid attention to your warning system in time to steer your life ship away from the rocks. Lots of people ignore it and wind up miserable and frustrated and financially trapped.

[LexiB]

Well, fortunately she didn’t get pregnant during the year we dated and had unprotected sex. If she did, for some reason, of course she would have wanted to keep it given her situation.

 

Now I need to walk away. She sends me Text messages Daily trying to pull my heart strings. Just need to ignore

 

Don’t ignore; B L O C K

[thr1986]

The hardest thing is that I want the things she said and the feelings we felt to be real so badly that I keep holding on. I don’t want to believe that she was calculated. I don’t want to believe that she was looking to try and take advantage. And because I don’t want to believe that, I keep holding on. It’s hard to see the truth.

[kendahke]

The hardest thing is that I want the things she said and the feelings we felt to be real so badly that I keep holding on. I don’t want to believe that she was calculated. I don’t want to believe that she was looking to try and take advantage. And because I don’t want to believe that, I keep holding on. It’s hard to see the truth.

 

Do you want to fork over $30k for her to harvest eggs, etc., with someone you've only known 17 weeks? If so, then break out the credit card and pay for this.

 

The hardest things we should do are the thing we don't want to do. However, one must take the consequences of that decision quietly because you were warned by people you reached out to.

[thr1986]

She asked me that question at 4 months. It’s now been a year. When I said no, back then, she said ok. But then a month later when she was going to transfer an embryo she created with donor sperm, she asked me if I would be the father of the baby when it’s born, as in sign the birth certificate at the birth. It just seemed like she was trying to get me to become involved in this legally. It’s hard to see that she was trying to take advantage of me because she was also very loving and flooded me with love. I’m starting to feel a little more comfortable with this now. It’s disappointing

[thr1986]

The other thing is that her and in moved really fast in the beginning. We were saying I love you in 2 months. And it felt real. I said it first but she solicited it- she brought me to the point of saying it. She already was on the whole fertility journey. Maybe it felt normal for her to ask me to create an embryo because she was already so used to the concept. When I asked her why she asked me that and asked her why she asked me to help pay for it- her explanation was that she regrets asking because she’s embarrassed. She said she asked because she was smitten in love and didn’t want us to lose the chance. She said she asked me to help pay for it because it would give me some commitment.

 

This is what I do- I keep talking through what she did and trying to make it seem okay.

[Versacehottie]

She said she asked me to help pay for it because it would give me some commitment.

 

Precisely! I think majority of us see this as all alarm bells and red flags waving like mad but maybe because you were blinded by being in the situation you see it as barely a niggle that you aren't even sure you're right about. It's insane when you think of it neutrally.

 

Some "commitment" is a CHILD. Who you will be financially, emotionally and otherwise responsible for at least 18 years but longer if you are a decent dad (which it sounds like you could be). You need to latch onto the absurdity & pushiness of her asking for this and run like hell the other direction. You are a means to an end from a not logical mind or manipulative or both. Apart from what it could do to YOUR life, she and potentially you would be f*cking around with another human's life, an absolutely innocent one. Stop letting her pull on your heartstrings and just block her.

 

Otherwise, i'm pretty sure she will rope you in in one way or another, trick you and you will be part of this mess. What a selfish, stupid woman. Don't be the same.

[LivingWaterPlease]

She said she asked me to help pay for it because it would give me some commitment.

 

Yes, commitment for the rest of your life. As a mom and grandmother I can tell you for sure that having a child with someone is a lifetime commitment in every way, financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

 

That is why it's wise to take your time getting to know someone well. Then get married and stabilize your marriage. Then, and only then, have a child together.

 

Even then, folks end up divorcing and it's often a nightmare concerning the children, take it from a divorced mom. This is more often the case than not.

 

This woman you're emotionally involved with is not playing with a full deck in at least some aspects of her life. You'd best move on asap because if you stay with her I believe you're playing with fire and will just end up getting messed up by her flakiness at some point or another whether it's with the issue of having kids together or not.

[thr1986]

I saw her yesterday, just because she asked me to go shopping with her. Nothing sexual happened. But, we of course talked about things. I expressed again how I felt a little used in the beginning of the relationship and how I felt it was weird how she asked me to pay for half of the egg harvesting when she was going to do it again. She reiterated that she asked me to help pay because she thought I would treat the whole thing differently if I was financially invested.

 

She the spoke to how I was the one who left and always seemed skidish and untrusting in bed regarding the baby and her intentions. She explained that she has always been there to support and love me and talk things through with me. Truthfully, she has usually been very open to talk things through with me. The intimacy and love I do miss. And when she explains herself- it always makes sense. It’s challenging. I hate giving up on people

[preraph]

Dude, it is what it is. She asked you for money because she wanted money. She didn't do it for any of those crazy excuses she's giving you. You need to get rid of this user.

[LivingWaterPlease]

She reiterated that she asked me to help pay because she thought I would treat the whole thing differently if I was financially invested.

 

She the spoke to how I was the one who left and always seemed skidish and untrusting in bed regarding the baby and her intentions. She explained that she has always been there to support and love me and talk things through with me. Truthfully, she has usually been very open to talk things through with me. The intimacy and love I do miss. And when she explains herself- it always makes sense. It’s challenging. I hate giving up on people

 

Of course you would treat it differently if you were financially invested. And her thought process to arrive at that and express it is manipulation.

 

No, from what you've written it doesn't make sense.

 

She manipulates your emotions, it feels good so you assume what she's done is OK. It's not.

 

It seems you're a person who makes decisions based on your emotions.

 

It would be good for you to learn to make decisions with your brain and stick to those decisions when a person is trying to manipulate your emotions. We all have to do that. It's called discipline.