Got Better Lost a Friend

[Bama Belle]

I'm bipolar. After 30 years, my best friend dumped me. Thing is, she was friends with me through years of me being a mess. Then, I got treatment, got out of the dysfunctional relationship I was in and into a healthy one with a man with two kids whom I adopted and became a productive member of society. The reasons she gave were either from years before or totally off, statements she'd misinterpreted etc. 30 years. I don't understand it. And when my dad died, she sly dialed me to leave a very formal sympathy message in which she identified herself by her first and last names. I just don't get it.

[preraph]

Did you cross any boundaries so that she can't trust you? My bipolar/narcissist friend of 40 years, about three years ago, did something real unethical (cheated on her husband of 30 years while he's in bed with terminal cancer) and was talking like she wanted to go after my married ex with whom I'm still friends. She crossed ethical lines and it's not like I ever trusted her, but she kind of knew what I'd kill her for and what I wouldn't in her younger years, so if she did anything, and I'm sure she did, at least she kept it to herself.

 

So think if you crossed some boundaries with her. I imagine she'd be happy to know you're doing better, but whether she really believes it is hard to know. If you've ever breached her trust, apologize sincerely and if you really feel it could never happen again, tell her that. That's all you can do. I'm sure she's as sad as you are about it.

[basil67]

Did the two of you have a falling out at any stage? If so, was she hurt by it?

[maxi105]

hi B/B....look, I am going to say it how I see it, so I hope you are not offended or hurt in any way. whether you agree with what I think about what im seeing in this isn't really the point, but I think it might do you some good to see what might be going on. I have no reason to dis you or your friend and I have no interest or knowledge of you or your friend, I can only go on what you've said. it may not sound like a helpful thing, but it might help you see things from on outside perspective and maybe in a less expectant realistic way. so please think of it that way rather than a reply just knocking you down!

 

 

ok, here goes.... firstly, congratulations on your pulling yourself around from what must have been one hell of a bleak time. and I am glad you got treatment as that will have taught you something and helped you address many different things within yourself and around others good and bad.

 

 

its also great that you are (if ive read your post right) with a new guy and have a family that you are benefiting and feeling good with, but that fact is this:

 

 

your friend re-gave you her reasons for not wanting to be linked as a friend anymore, regardless of whether the reasons are from 2days or 20 years ago, she gave you reasons, not everyone even gets a reason or response when they are dumped!!!!! so that is something you need to accept now, however much you don't like it.

 

 

another thing is that when your dad died she left a message of sympathy for you, so she was thinking of you and obviously trying to do the right thing by offering her sympathy. it wasn't anything else, just empathy for yiou, so for you to say it was sly I don't feel is fair! it must have taken her quite a decision to question whether to reach out to you incase you misunderstood the message. she doesn't want to have the friendship unfortunately anymore but she showed her human side in offering your comfort in the way of an acquaintance (which is how she sees you now...and not even a close one) but that is to be applauded, not scorned.

 

 

this person doesn't really owe you anything, she has been honest with you 100% and I suspect she is just tired of all the stuff that went on regardless of your battle and improved health and outlook and family situation.

 

 

if you want my honest opinion on this. don't feel bad for her, you came out of a very dark place and you have found your new path and new people that are doing you good. she is still a good person, its just that she doesn't want all the drama, baggage or links emotionally and socially that she once had, so if you want to move on from this then I think its best that you let this one go and accept that she is serious in her wish not to continue freinship. its sad, sure, but these things can and do happen.

 

 

what will eat you up and can set yoru health and yoru family happiness back is if you start to dig up and look at why and feel bad for her not wanting things as they were.

 

 

she has a right not to want to be in a friendship with you if she is not getting the same sense of fun or whatever from it anymore.

 

 

if this were a couple situation post, I would be saying the same thing, if its not happening its not happening and that's all there is to it.

 

 

I think you will be happier just let this one go and focus on what you have with your family and much improved health.

 

 

not everyone can come through what you have, not everyone has that strength or support or is lucky enough to meet the people that can help them, but she doenst owe you anything, she has been honest in telling you and has shown distant and appropriate and thoughtful sympathy and so that tells me she is a decent person.

 

 

you need to stop looking at what you want, but be glad for what you did have with her and give your attention and love to those that need it and are showing you thiers in return, your family. if your children are are adopted then they need your love and to see how love and freindships can be a positive thing, not see that if someone doesn't want something then you have to work on them to change them or get what you want or colour things so they look a certain way!!!! your friend has told you what she wants. and if you respect her and yourself and what you've valued in the past and now then you will listen to that and let it go.

 

 

if you want to get in touch with her, tehn don't do it bitterly!!!! just thank her for her message of support for you at a tought time and say see you around...(i.e.you wont see her) but what I mean is leave thigns on friendly terms and if you are loenley, meet new people. she is not the only person in the world that you can connect with!!!!! and you are not the only person that will or has made her laugh either!!!

 

 

so move on and don't try to take this thing as personal as it sounds, I understand the 30 years thing, you thought and hoped for more as she'd been there for everything for you. but the truth is: I think she is just tired!!!!!!!

 

 

so be thankful for the 30 years, be thankful for how far you have moved forward and enjoy your family and those that will take the new part of your life with you.

 

 

like I say, no matter what her reasons (for this post) she doesn't owe you anything where a freinship is concerned!!!...

 

 

you say she misinterpreted things!!!!! well from what I am seeing she has been very clear in her communications with you, and it is you who are not interpreting what she has clearly intended.

 

 

any further thoughts to her on this will stress her out and only make her feel that her decision to leave the freinship was the right thing for her to do!!!!!

 

 

so if it were me in your place, id take my dignity, feel thankful for the fun and the strength we enjoyed and id want to look to what I have that is making me happy, fulfilled and give back to those things and people. not give in and make myself unhappy with things because I wanted something that isn't going to work anymore.

 

 

your friend willhave thought very hard about letting your friendship go after 30 years, it wont have been an easy decision she made, but I think it was the right decision for her and you need to accept that.

 

 

you have had a bereavement of your father which is going to have knocked you and now you are reliving the bereavement of your freindship too...

 

 

but you have to realise that unfortunately, they are both losses and your friend I don't think will be coming back to you ever in the way you hope or miss.

 

 

but just remember her as a good person. she is allowed to change and grow too. and her choices are as valid and to be respected as yours are.

 

 

I cant believe anyone says goodbye to a real friend without a lot of thought and anxiety! I also suspect that if you are honest about things, that there were parts of your freinship that were slowly dying and kept running down long before anyone (you or her) were honest enough to do anything about it.

 

 

bi polar isn't the end of the world and you have proved that. people come and go and its sad when you lose them. but sometimes you just have to let them go, and without bitterness or blame!

 

 

I think you had a good friend and I think its time you also enjoyed the things and people that love you and care right now.

 

 

sorry its not the reply you might have hoped for, but like your friends communication. it is an honest answer.

 

 

VERY BEST OF LUCK WITH THIS....who knows there is nothing to say you cant feel more secure or comfortable about the loss of your friend in time and that maybe you might get together for the odd night or feel happier or sociable or amiable in her fleeting company in the future. but for the thoughts of old friend, long term friend....im not holding my breath for that one. I think that the 50/50 thing for you both has long gone.

 

 

but good luck all the same. its a heartfelt post reply to you. so I hope you can move forward in a more positive way with your new family....maxi.

[Bama Belle]

Perhaps I should have mentioned I've been in therapy for 20 years and the relationship's been over for 10. She was the one with boundary issues. She stole my ex's hat because she didn't like the way he looked in it. She cornered him to ask him about our relationship saying, "I've stayed out of your business for a long time, but I'm making it my business." But I didn't consider that violating boundaries at the time, just that she loved me. She got angry because I continued to wear lipstick even though she didn't like it. She stood over me when I cooked and did my makeup correcting me, called a dear friend of mine ugly repeatedly, made fun of my old car and my crappy cell phone. And I think it does matter that the reasons were from 20 years ago when we were 12 and about my oily hair and bad table manners. She said she felt like she couldn't say anything, but she did at the time. She also felt like she couldn't tell me I dressed my daughter "cheap and tacky in Walmart and Thrift Store" clothes. That was all we could afford. She thought I was a narcissist because I put a "spin" on things like calling Lithium a mood stabilizer instead of an anti psychotic and I still eat really fast. She also said I claimed to be able to do things I couldn't like dying fabric and cutting hair. But when I proved she was wrong, her reactions ranged from disappointed to shock and horror. (I was an airhead before meds and she always thought of me that way). When I was with my ex, she said he didn't love or respect me. After we broke up, she said I was lucky to have him. Maybe I should mention that her marriage was falling apart while my husband and I were falling in love. But I don't think that's it. She was having an affair. I don't want the relationship back. Everyone says I'm a happier nicer person since we stopped being friends. And I certainly don't think she owes me anything nor can I see how that could have been inferred. I just want to know why ANYONE stand by someone through thick and thin during the mania, depression, mood swings and general chaos that is the untreated bipolar, the ten years after that which was all the drama of a friend's dysfunctional relationship, and then, once that person is totally healthy, in a good relationship and did something that people actually admire for one year, it's done. Her other friends are in bad marriages or otherwise dysfunctional relationships and seem to need her for emotional and/or financial support. My family never liked her and say she couldn't stand me not needing her anymore. It's just that we were friends from 8 to 35 years old. And I hate to think that very important relationship was based on me or my personal life being a wreck.

[Bama Belle]

Thank you for your reply. I know you meant well. But, if you will read my latest post, I think you will understand the relationship better. I was diagnosed 20 years ago. The friendship ended 10 years ago. None of my shrinks have thought I was a narcissist. But I explain that in my post. My father died 3 years ago. She did the appropriate thing because appearances are very important to her. When she told me the reasons she was angry with me, there were several things I said that she did indeed misunderstand. And I certainly understood her meaning. My sister made me call her when my dad died because she was part of my family for a long time, though no one in my family liked her. She was controlling and codependent. I am a writer and would like to do a piece on people who disconnect from friends after their lives have improved. Clearly, the story is true. But there's surprisingly little information on the matter And I can't exactly cite my family's opinion as a source!

[Bama Belle]

Yes! What precipitated the ending of the friendship was that she wanted me to spend the day with her and I wanted to go home to my husband. She was very controlling. When we were eight, I was at her house and wearing a costume of hers. I wouldn't wear the bonnet the way she wanted me to, so she snatched it off my head and wouldn't let me wear it at all. I have 30 years of examples like that. But, I think one so early shows that she was born that way.

[Bama Belle]

I was diagnosed twenty years ago and the friendship ended ten years ago. If you'll look at my latest post, you'll see I'm not the one with boundary issues. She thought she had a right to give her opinion on anything: marriage, the way one dresses, raises her children. And, in the twenty years I've been in therapy, none of my shrinks have thought I was narcissistic. I'm very empathetic. Actually, she's the one with symptoms of that disorder. This is merely someone who loved me when I was crazy, loved me when I was in a dysfunctional relationship, but not as a healthy, happy person doing something people could admire. The friendship ended 10 years ago. I've no desire to rekindle it. I'm only interested in the kind of person who only loves you when you're down and wanted to get the opinions of others. Thank you for your reply

[Bama Belle]

I think instead of wondering and writing about why people disconnect with friends when their lives improve, I should explore the reactions to the word "Bipolar." So much was inferred from my post with so little information given.

 

Perhaps I should have provided more data, but I was trying to be as succinct as possible and expected to be taken at my word.

 

My best friend ended our relationship ten years after I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and started treatment and over a year after I got out of a dysfunctional relationship and into a very happy one.

 

As soon as I fell in love with my husband, a man we'd both known for years and she'd always described as handsome and a saint, she started becoming negatively disposed towards me. She started finding fault with my

husband. She said I was lucky to have my ex though she had always said he didn't love me while we were together. And this woman who had always defended me, now rolled her eyes when people said it was admirable that I was raising my husband's kids.

 

She had always been the more competent one of us whereas I was the more intellectual. But raising two kids on a budget, I had to learn how to do things, like dye fabric from the thrift store and bake from scratch and give at home hair cuts. Her reactions to this ranged from disappointment to anger once I had proven it because she had always called me a liar. She also said Lithium was an anti psychotic and I made up the term "mood stabilizer" to make it sound better. And I thought she was so stupid, she wouldn't know better. My doc said mood stabilizer and I always respected her intelligence. She also said I wasn't really Bipolar, I just wanted to be because Hemingway and Zelda Fitzgerald were.

 

These were among the reasons she gave for ending our friendship after I went home to clean my house because my in laws were coming over instead of spending the day with her in addition to being a bad housekeeper and dressing my daughter cheaply. Seven years later my father died. My sister who is 13 years older than I and a second mother said it was the right thing to do to let her know. I did. She sly dialed me leaving me a message asking for Memorial information. God forgive me, I lied and said there wasn't one. I could not handle my grief and the memories she would invoke.

 

I don't know how or why it was inferred that I was hurting over the loss of the friendship. My relationship with my parents, my sisters and my other friends improved after the friendship was terminated. She was time intensive, so I was home more. I became more confident without her criticizing everything from my cooking to choice of clothing, "crappy cell phone," and old car-not to mention being reminded of the things I had done decades before I was medicated.

 

Forgive my original ranting reply. But no one seemed to believe that I was truly better when she ended the friendship. Actually, I had been for some time. It was inferred that I was hurting over the loss while I have no desire to reconnect. And I assumed it was just the word "Bipolar" that brought about all these inferences from what I said.

 

I just wanted to pose a question. Why would anyone prefer a wreck to a healthy friend

[stillafool]

Why do you want to be her friend again if you haven't been for the past 10 years? It never sounded like much of a friendship to begin with.

[Bama Belle]

This is what I don't understand. I've said repeatedly I don't want to be her friend again. I don't know why people keep responding as if I do. I am interested in the psychology behind people who are only interested in relationships with dysfunctional people as all of her friendships are.....but you're right. After we stopped being friends, my mother, my sisters, and all my other friends told me what an unhealthy relationship they thought it was. I guess, after 30 years-like a marriage-you tolerate a little at a time and get a little worse yourself until you can't believe what you find yourself involved in. If I wanted to be friends with her, I wouldn't have lied and told her there was no memorial service for my dad. That was wrong. But she only would have attended for appearances. We are from old Southern families and appearances are more important than they should be.

[stillafool]

Maybe because they themselves are dysfunctional, who knows. The main thing is you got away from her and are living a happy life. I wouldn't give her anymore mind space if I were you.

[Bama Belle]

It's not personal anymore. It's just an example. We haven't been friends for twelve years. But I've been in therapy for 20 years. I can empathize with just about anything other than those who commit violent crime. And things I don't understand drive me crazy. Also, I write for my local paper and educational blogs. I wanted to do a piece on it. But the info I've gathered here has given me a different idea.

[Bama Belle]

This has been fascinating. Almost everyone has assumed I mourned the loss or wanted to mend this friendship though I said nothing of the kind and even after I didn't. Assumptions were made on things that could not have been known as to how honest she was, that she was a good friend and that I was the one misinterpreting things. She assumed I was calling her stupid. I did nothing of the kind nor did I think so or call Lithium a mood stabilizer to make it sound better. And when I said, "I know food," I meant nutritionally. She thought I was saying I knew how to cook which is her area. A good friend doesn't defend you when you're crazy and mistreated then roll her eyes when people express admiration for things you've done. I was told to think about when we'd drifted apart. Generally, one has thought about something before he or she takes it to an anonymous forum. It was shortly after I started dating my now husband of 13 years. My curiosity wasn't purely intellectual. I don't want to believe the entire relationship was based on my illness, bad relationship and incompetence. But that's what all evidence indicates and everyone I know thinks. My father was a well loved and respected man in the community. People from all over the state came to his funeral. To ignore it would have brought her censure in our small community of aristocratic Southerners. Yet it was assumed that made her a good decent person. And all I did was ask why someone would only want to be friends when they are healthy, as I had been for ten years and out of the bad relationship for over a year, during which time we were close. Yet it was assumed she was sick of the "stuff" she hadn't had to deal with in a long time. Don't misunderstand. I'm not angry or insulted and I know everyone who responded meant well. I just see a whole lot of incorrect assumptions and conclusions and even unwillingness to believe after being told the facts. I know some people assume the negative, that I wasn't as healthy as I thought and had just become so though it was decades ago. Some people thought I'd just lost the friendship though it was a decade ago. Even without all this information, all I said was I had lost a friend after I'd gotten better, the reasons were not valid, and I didn't understand it. All that was true. I didn't include the information because I expected to be taken at face value. But I heard that I was the one who hadn't interpreted things correctly. She didn't want to be friends anymore. I got that. I was told to move on. Done that. Raised a family, doing well for a long time. I just wanted opinions on people who only have dysfunctional friends. I wonder if I had left out that I was bipolar, if the advice would have been different, applicable, and helpful. Perhaps, I should have said she was my friend when I was in a dysfunctional relationship but slowly became more critical of me once I got into a happy one. Or perhaps I should have posed the question as an intellectual one and then there wouldn't have been so much imagined pain and conflict. I know some people need to advise so much they will find reasons to where there are none. I just hope that, in this day and age, the word "Bipolar" doesn't bring such dark, irrational meanings to mind. I am a wife, mother, writer, community activist, and make jewelry I sell at trade shows and in consignment shops. I and my problems-past and present-are more than my illness. And I hope that anyone who made assumptions based on my illness will remember that in the future. At any rate, you've given me material for another piece!

[basil67]

This has been fascinating. Almost everyone has assumed I mourned the loss or wanted to mend this friendship though I said nothing of the kind and even after I didn't.

 

Actually, most of us were asking questions about what happened and were trying to get more information. It should also be said that your first post has a distinct air of sadness about it - so it's not a huge leap to think that the sadness is connected to losing your friend. Especially when you weren't clear about what kind of advice you were seeking.

 

With this further information from you, I can see that she was a terribly toxic woman and you're fortunate that she's now gone from your life.

Edited January 30, 2019 by basil67

[Bama Belle]

It is difficult to discern emotion in writing. I don't see how I conveyed a distinct air of sadness, except with the mention of the loss of my dad. And that was just to show her total separation from me with the use of the both first and last names. I didn't say I was lost or lonely or sad or wanted my friend back. And my post wasn't directed to those who asked questions, just made assumptions. But I apologize to anyone whom I offended because I'm certain everyone meant well. Honestly, I'm frustrated because I still haven't found anyone with any insight on the personality type who only has friends with dysfunctional lives. I'm also on a deadline and sleep deprived. Forgive my crankiness. But this is a very real personality type. I know others to whom it has happened. And I can find no information! Like I said in my previous post, "I just don't get it."

[Bama Belle]

My post was not directed at those who asked questions before making assumptions, only those who didn't and those who still thought I wanted to be friends with her even after I said I didn't. But that assumption was the least of which that concerned me. I won't quote anyone for fear of of offending, but it was those who indicated doubt or disbelief that I was not healthy at the end of the relationship. I don't deny there is some sadness and always will be. But I'm not looking for insight on a complicated relationship spanning ages 8-35. We tolerated each other's issues for 30 years, far worse than any that were going on when our friendship was ending. But it had been seven years since she'd had to defend me for any typically bipolar behavior or talk me off the ledge and a year since I'd been in a happy relationship with a man from whom she didn't feel she had to appoint herself to protect me. My question was the same in my initial post as it has been in my posts since and remains with only one attempt at an answer. Why would anyone prefer a wreck to a healthy friend?

[Bama Belle]

Sorry I replied twice. I didn't think my first one posted. I'm new to this!

[Bama Belle]

MAXIE: Sly dialing is a service that allows one to call one's voicemail without risking calling their phone, not an insult. My sister made me call her because it was appropriate. She returned my call because it was appropriate. We are Southern. That's what we do. And I have thought about when we started growing apart. It was when I got out of my dysfunctional relationship with a man she said didn't love or respect me when we were together and started dating my husband, whom she'd always admired. Suddenly, she began finding fault with my husband and said I was lucky to have my ex. So...100 percent honest? Not even close. But you don't know what I said so you can't know how it was interpreted. And you don't know what she said, so you can't know if she was honest. She never "re gave" me any reasons/ And I certainly don't think she owes me anything. The better and happier I got, the more distant she got. And I do think it's relevant that she threw up things my face from literally when we were 12 years old. I have been out of my "dark place" for a long time. And I still miss my father every day. But, after three years, my grief doesn't affect my decisions. There's no danger of me calling her. I even lied and said there was no Memorial service. I have been out of my dark place for a long time. She hadn't had to deal with the "stuff" of a bipolar friend for 7 years or that of one in a drama filled relationship in over a year when she ended it. Yes, I will always miss her and love her. But I wouldn't rekindle the relationship for anything in the world. My mother, my sisters and my other friends all say I'm much more relaxed and confident without her. I can see why people misunderstood and thought I wanted my friend back. But how you inferred most of the things you did is beyond me....other than you don't know what sly dialing is. Your response was not what I wanted to hear but not for reasons you think. I am merely seeking information as to why someone would prefer a wreck to a healthy friend. If I might offer you some advice, be careful jumping to conclusions. You might hurt yourself and end up without a leg to stand on.

[maxi105]

well....b/belle...I must be honest with you on this one, having only read a small bit of the replies I am exhausted already!

 

 

you say you don't want to be in a friendship (and that's find if you don't anymore, but if you don't I don't really see the point in the situation).

 

 

I think if you post vague things then people are going to infer all sorts of stuff. am I wounded, bothered or hurt, nope. ive offered you an honest reply to something that I thought was a genuine question and problem you were asking. by that I mean I thought you wanted some kind of answers that can help you, not just asking random questions to anyone that will answer just because you want to know things.

 

 

im not really about that on this site and try my best to avoid that kind of stuff.

 

 

if I feel its someone genuine asking for a situation they are in then I try to give my thoughts on it.

 

 

if I thought it was a general thing where someone just is asking for the hell of it and posting endless stuff to spar with others I just cant be bothered, and if I thought your post would have been like that I would have avoided it.

 

 

the world is full of what ifs and hindsights, id rather give my time to that kind of stuff on this site.i feel its worth my time more.

 

 

sly calling, well thank you for informing me of that, I had no idea what it was, but then I think its much healthier talking to people at the time to discuss things and sort things out so there can be no misunderstandings or presumptions or inferences.

 

 

the whole things sounds rather unhealthy to me, from the point of the friend and elements of what you are saying now that things are better for you, if what you are saying is right...and we can only take your word on that.

 

 

it is good that you are in a healthier place, but I cant help feel that you are not as sorted as you are making out to us here on the shack....

 

 

but I wish you well none the less. and as for jumping to conclusions without a leg to stand on?????......no, that isn't going to happen.

 

 

good communication....I mean face to face with real people and being honest and open about your situations without endless ranting means that that you are less likely to ***** folks off and it means that you respect people enough to try and help them...without making yourself a complete fool or leaving yourself emotionally open to their emotional projecting and baiting.

 

 

I am happy, I am healthy and in that I know I am fortunate.

 

 

I wish you well.....though I am not prepared to give anymore time to your posts on this subject....honesty not ranting just letting you know it straight up.

 

 

you clearly have a lot of time judging by the posts you've put up often without others replying inbetween...

 

 

maybe it is the over thinking, hidden agenda's poor communication and social assumptions from both yourself and those that have been involved with thisorigional situation that have lead to where you are today.

 

 

im not that interested in getting caught up in the silliness of "you don't know"...well lets be frank here, no one on the loveshack will know about you and your situation unless they were there or are actually the people involved directly...however. there is a chance that people might be willing and a bit more able to help if they have some idea of the situation in a more simplistic way....but the endless add on replies some of which have spurious information to the story (if you are no longer interested in this friendship) say quite a lot already, and I don't really have the interest or appetite to keep following the ins and outs of this increasingly blameful post.

 

 

me, im fine, im not in a situation where I am not communicating badly to the point where my relationships and friendships are ever dysfunctional or in danger of becoming so.

 

 

I am not feeling bothered by your post because I am not it your situation and am very unlikely to be. I am also not really interested in getting caught up in the emotional posts that come on here from time to time.

 

 

you have to remember you are coming on here to ask people about stuff, you don't have to like what people say, and due to the nature of no one really knowing for sure who the people are 100% then the posters replying don't have to be right either (but for what its worth - I really respect a lot of the people that give their time to answer the majority of the posts on this website!!!!!!!!( they are generally decent people who are giving their time to help people in the main...yes, of course you get one or two that come over with there replies designed to stir things up and cause arguments, or those with an agenda to rant) but most people are giving help to what they think is the real deal in order to HELP), but if you are asking for things on a forum of any kind then it is truly naïve to think that people are not going to question what you are saying or challenge that.especially if what they read comes over as needing to be challenged in some way or questioned.

 

 

as for the interest of looking into bipolar, sure if you want to go that way then do so...but I feel that you might also benefit from looking into what dysfunctional relationships and dysfunctional communications are...the kinds that are best avoided between mature adults. because for sure, reading some of what you are saying is purely about communication.

 

 

but to answer your question honestly: I don't know why someone might wish to wreck a friendship.....but I do know that at the heart of a lot of things where people vent at others and freindships are broken it is down to other people's low self esteem, elements of passive aggression, irrational sense of the situation or aggression and also - often poor communications styles regardless of mental health issues if left to brood can lead to negativity, envy, deliberate manipulation and sabotage....)ie....things that are mentally distructive can lead to emotional or physical destructive thoughts and or acts!

 

 

as for me, I am happy, confident, boyant and open to discussion, I may presume I may be unclear about the posters and the real issues...

 

 

but you know what...I AM NOT ALONE IN MY PRESUMPTIONS ON THIS WEBSITE, an I AM NOT ALONE IN MY HONESTY AND GENUINE WILL TO HELP.

 

 

but like you, its a choice ive mad to offer that help, and now B/B I am offering no longer on this subject with you. its draining, its manic and its (according to you, if what you are saying is true...it is "already solved!!!!" well, that's great....I just don't care to look at things or offer help to things that are already solved...I find it one hell of a waste of my time.

 

 

but im sure there will be others willing to play this game or help you out....but not me anymore, im done with this one.

 

 

I think this person had a lucky escape!!!!! sorry, but its the truth of what I feel.....

 

 

and ps...to save you wasting your time looking for a reply if you should rant back at me....don't bother....I wont be giving one.

 

 

you've had a lot of my time already. I love this website, but I tire of the indulgent and ranting stuff sometimes only to find that they didn't want the advice in the first place....well why post in then? I just don't get it.

 

 

good luck for the rest of your ranting...because I suspect that although I am done with this post.....something tells me you are NOT!!!!!!

 

 

see ya.

I hope I have been able to "discern my emotion" in writing! and if you are ever in therapy again (if you are out of it...I haven't read all of your post remember..but if you are ever in therapy again or are still in therapy...then it might be more interesting to see what you therapist makes of your original post and of all the replies posted (yours included).

 

 

best wishes for all that encounter you! maxi.

[Bama Belle]

MAXIE: I'm very ashamed of the way I spoke to you. There were much kinder gentler ways I could have said what I said. It was disrespectful and, well I'll just say it, downright tacky of me.

But please understand. I did not come on this site "for the Hell of it" nor to rant or rave. I'm just frustrated that I keep asking the same singular question and gotten no real insight into it.

Not only that, but I had my own behavior impugned...and by you. Forgive me, but you did make a lot of incorrect assumptions. Still that's no excuse for speaking to you that way in a public forum. And I'm not insulted by you feeling like she was lucky to get away. You don't know me. And others kept asking why I wanted to be her fried even after I said I didn't.

If anyone had given me any insight into the one thing I wanted to know, why someone would prefer a wreck to a healthy friend, I'd have shut up a long time ago.

I know you said you were done with this post. But I'll hope you'll see my apology. It is sincere. I am done with this site. But I wish you all the very best.

[Bama Belle]

P.S. One more thing, me? Ranting? Have you done a word count on your posts? Not being mean, just ;pointing things out.

[Bama Belle]

Again, I want to apologize to anyone whom I offended and anyone who might agree with Maxie in thinking my intention was to spar, play games or had a hidden agenda. If you'll count the amount of times I stated the question to which I was looking for an answer, I don't think my agenda was well hidden.

 

I do have a tendency to orate when I get frustrated. And I felt I had to explain and justify myself to get my point across. As I wrote, I found a lot of memories coming to the surface that I had apparently had not dealt with. So, even though I didn't get my question answered, it's still been a helpful experience. Even though I had my judgement, intentions, and even personality impugned from the first reply I received. I can hardly blame anyone. It was hardly me at my best.

 

Now, I have a better idea as to how these things work. And I won't pose anymore questions unless I am looking for genuine and immediate help, not just a conversational forum.

 

Again, thank you and my apologies,

Bama Belle