Working out what my feelings are **Updated** Still can't end it

[Tailor2000]

I am mid 40's and still live at home with my parents. That'll be the first thing you'll want to know about.

 

My mother exhibits narcissistic qualities showing a need to be depended upon. My parents threaten that when I move out, they will go their separate ways. My mother however clings on to her status - though it's not much of a status. Both parents use control, guilt, manipulation and infantilisation techniques. Im not even allowed to do my own laundry.

 

There has additionally been a series of setbacks in life causing financial problems and hampering my independence. When I have tried to move out, it never worked out, because the people I was sharing with were incompatible with my lifestyle. Then there's been a good old dose of fear of the unknown and wondering how the heck Im going to survive paying bills by myself. I know people do it, I don't know how they do it. When I do the sums however, all my money would be gone on running the car, paying rent, paying bills and having food that I wouldn't be able to take care of my health, go out anywhere, buy furniture of anything. I would be in poverty. Even though I earn a decent wage. So there is a certain case to be made for comfort by living at home.

 

I have had a girlfriend for three years. We don't live together. But Im stuck in limbo with her. She really does genuinely love me. However she is very clingy, and with low esteem and ego, she clings on as much as she can. She's not very hygienic, very messy. She constantly thinks Im cheating. I can't even see family without her asking why Im going to see them. She is rude when we go out, controlling and manipulative herself.

 

If you search the forums, you'll see that I describe her as being insecure, jealous, obsessive, posessive, snapping at everything.

 

Although she says she's happy enough for me to see friends, she doesn't like it. When we do see friends, if I sit opposite a woman, she'll think Im flirting with her. She doesn't like going out, so she won't come out with me to catch up with friends, but she sees that as me prioritising them over her.

 

She constantly wants me to stop over, but when I say I have other plans, even just having a shower, she does everything she can to convince me to change my decision, tears, crying, sobbing, weeping, sarcastic posts on Facebook and I end up being too late to do my stuff.

 

She says she supports me, but in practice, it doesn't really work out.

 

If Im five minutes late to her house, she thinks I don't love her.

 

If I help her clean up, she sulks. If I ask her to clean up, she sulks.

 

She tries telling me where I can and cannot shop, what I can and cannot buy, even what medication I should use. This is because shse's worried about my spending, but she's not worried about my spending when she decides we should have a three course meal.

 

She gives me dirty looks when I say things she doesn't like.

 

On one hand I could see that I could be happy with her. She's got her issues, sure. But she's not nasty. She's not malicious and Rome wasn't built in a day. But on the other hand it could be the most depressing relationship ever and I could just be settling for an easy life.

 

However my parents don't make things any easier. Im now being given an ultimatum, either leave her or move in with her. I've even been threatened with being kicked out of the house over the Christmas period merely for stopping at my girlfriends house.

 

This is where it's so hard, my girlfriends got her issues, but I have her support. She's not nasty.

 

I just cannot make a decision. I've got control and guilt (for different reasons) from both sides.

 

I know the advice will be to see a therapist. But they can't make decisions for me, and that's the thing I struggle with. Making decisions. Part of it is because I don't want to let people down. Part of it is because I simply also don't know what I want and don't want to take a risk.

 

As I right this, I think it's time I found a therapist to help with getting over guilt, control, fear and decision making.

 

In the meantime, any practical advice anybody can help with? Can anyone relate to any of this? Has anybody stuck with a relationship like this, and has it got better? Did you learn to stand up for yourself? Did you try but find you just had to end it? And what would you do with parents like this?

[preraph]

It is time for you to make some big and permanent changes to your life. You have a girlfriend I know you wouldn't be foolish enough to want to live with, considering everything. She needs to go.

 

The truth is until you can stand on your own two feet in your own apartment or trailer or whatever you can afford, you are not really ready to choose a new girlfriend because you still have a level of maturity to reach that you can't reach living with your parents.

 

It IS hard out there. You will need one full-time job and then work your days off at a second one. Most of us live paycheck to paycheck and can't afford expensive electronics and don't have much time to enjoy them anyway. That's the real world. Nonetheless, there is a lot of security once you are able to support yourself and know that you can. It helps your self-esteem and gives you some pride and confidence.

 

So get two jobs and find the cheapest place you can find where you can just live alone, a trailer, a shack in the poor part of town, or a tiny apartment right across from where you work to help with transportation expenses. And build from there.

 

If you are in an expensive town like East Coast or California, then get out of there to a medium sized town with a much lower cost of living and make a new start. You have the same and probably more advantages of everyone else out there making it on their own. Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

You have yet to become a fully functioning adult. A 40 year old man who lives at home with mommy & daddy, doesn't do his own laundry & claims to make a descent wage but who can't afford to move out has issues. Since you haven't been paying rent for 20 years, you should be sitting on a tidy nest egg. But you aren't.

 

First you need a budget. That may require a revision of your expectations. At the very least you need to do your own laundry. It may also require you to get a 2nd job.

 

When you get yourself squared away you will develop more clarity about your love life.

[chillii]

First and foremost , move out for fk sake l'm cringing.

Don't think you mentioned debt now though in ya budget so you should be able to swing something like the rest of us.

And what your parents do with their marriage later is up to them.

look for a cheaper place, they're always around but especially if you make a decent wage it's all doable there'd be 1000s of other people doing it in your area, probably since their late teens or early 20s and probably on less money than you are.

Building a life and getting ahead is an art form all it's own for all of us but you learn and get it done by doing it and plenty of us have been through a few years of beans and rice along the way.

Even if you do need a therapist probably the first thing they'd tell you if they know anything at all would be to move the hell out.

And ahhh, sorry too but l think your being a bit too generous with the gf she sounds like a very manipulative control freak to me and again sorry to say but really, she's gotta go.

[Mr. Lucky]

As I right this, I think it's time I found a therapist to help with getting over guilt, control, fear and decision making.

 

No one has done anything to you you haven't voluntarily permitted. Easy example, don't spend your 30's and 40's in your parent's basement, they can't 'control' you. Stay away from manipulative women, they can't "guilt' you.

 

This really has very little to do with the other people in your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Giraffe-A]

You are surrounded by very manipulative people, including your gf and the very first thing to do is realize that some of our worst enemies can be our family and ourselves.

 

A parent is supposed to push you out into the world to become something great. They have not done that and you have to know that’s not normal. A therapist will help you with this.

In order to help yourself, there’s plenty of self-help and how-to youtube videos. There are some that will help you how to start a budget and how to save. It should bring you some comfort that many people cannot do this. We all actually had to learn on our own after trial and error. Some never learn. There are also videos to help you learn how to do simple tasks like wash and iron. There is sooooo much out there for you to learn. If you need to know how to set up a doctor’s appointment, you can ask here.

This is your journey and you can make it.

[Tailor2000]

Just one thing I wanted to correct....

 

To those intimating I'm not willing to do my own laundry and bit a fully functioning adult...

 

I don't rely on my parents for anything. I cook, clean and pay them rent. I buy my own food and pay my own bills. I would love to do my own laundry but my parents won't allow me to.

 

If I moved out, I don't think I'd be able to work. Well I could until I needed a car. Every month I would have 20% available for socialising, health care, clothes, toiletries, home appliances, car, car maintenance... When you add it all up, it just doesn't stretch.

 

I've had a few injuries and health set backs over the years. Potential diagnosis of Asperger's means I cannot see the wood for the trees or think outside of the box. I can see where I want to be but not how to get there.

 

So the question is.... Do I find somewhere to live or get some therapy?

[Giraffe-A]

Ah. Clarification helps. Get therapy first. While that is happening, start saving and finding resources for you.

[Tailor2000]

I can't work out what my feelings are towards my girlfriend.

 

I've got a long list of things that drive me mad about her, things that are disgusting. From her hygiene and cleanliness, to her hypocrisy, and anger. Her jealousy, disrespect and ungratefulness. I'll ask if she can make me a drink and she'll snap that I should have given her more time to make one instead of asking

 

I feel like I can never discuss these things because she just starts crying.

 

I feel like I just want to end it.

 

But when I think about it, I just think about what our future could be like if she sorts her mess out. I don't want her to cry. I don't like the thought of her being devastated and her life going to hell.

 

On one hand I think I would like to make it work. But I also think it wouldn't bother me if I wasn't with her. But then I think I would be bothered if I wasn't with her. If I do want to get rid of her, why haven't I? I can't think of many positives. We cuddle. We have companionship. She accepts me. She supports me . Despite all her problems, she does care. Her being a mess isn't her fault. I love her enough with patience to wait and support her. I've invested a lot of time.

 

Why can't I end it?

 

Because I don't want make her cry. I don't want to do it by letter.

 

What to do? How do you people figure out what you want? How do you pluck up the courage to end it without caring about the response?

[chillii]

You say you love her enough , love is a powerful thing to feel , if it's real , so are you sure it's even real if on the other hand you want to end it ?

lf you really do love her , and her you , can she work on these things, cleanliness is easy enough.

 

lf your unsure , an idea would be to take a break away from her for a week or two, which is gonna cause stuff too but it's better than dropping her before your sure.

 

lf you are sure then you need to to talk to her as kindly as you can and it won't be pleasant for either but it's the only thing you can do.

 

 

Good luck.

[Fekenaws]

There is a very common saying when it comes to breakups and it's that nobody wins in a breakup. Sure, the dumpee is always worse off, but the dumper often goes through guilt, doubting themselves, and more often than not, a loss of a "friend". You have two options as far as I can tell

 

1) Keep plodding through your unhappy relationship until your love tank hits zero and you'll blindside her by dumping her, this is the most common situation

 

2) Voice your existential concern about the relationship and that you want to work on it, and just see how she responds

[Tailor2000]

Plodding through until my love tank is empty sounds like where I am at the moment.

 

Ok, here's a list I've been making.

 

Her breath smells, she doesn't shave, is exceedingly messy, always eating, has an impulsive attitude which being around has turned me into a big eater and a big spender, to satisfy her eating, we talk about eating light end up getting a huge takeaway...

 

She doesn't like men, is distrustful of men, is worried about other people and jealous towards my interactions with them (ie she doesn't trust me and thinks Im going to cheat), she constantly nit picks and the smallest things I do, the way I say things, the way I do things, but she doesn't look at anything she does.

 

If I talk about the mess she makes, she cries that she's not good enough. She'll literally fart in my face but hates the smell when I have a couple of drinks.

 

She doesn't like me going out, she barely can stand my friends. She gets very stressed when she does go out so she keeps by herself far away from everyone on her phone.

 

She doesn't like me watching TV shows with certain actresses because I happen to find them attractive.

 

When out at a restaurant, she can be rude, ignorant, dismissive. She can be controlling and manipulative. She criticises me for interrupting. She criticises me for not interrupting. She was talking and I gestured with my hands some help I needed because I didn't want to interrupt. She said I should have said what I wanted. I said I didn't want to interrupt. She said that it doesn't stop me before. I can't win.

 

I've gone to her house and sat waiting to be offered a drink and she won't. She's said I should have asked. But when I do ask, she says she was going to make one and I should have given her more time.

 

She has always got an answer for everything. Im not quick on the uptake. My written word is the best. It doesn't occur to me to argue back like I should do. I just end up feeling miserable and say "all I did was ask a question".

 

If I try to mention the mess in her room that she likes me stopping in over the weekend, she just says it's her room. Yeah, it's your room and you want me to share.

 

She throws everything at me and Im supposed to take it. I mention one thing to her and it's waterworks. As I said, she has an answer for everything.

 

I didn't mean it. Im tired. Im stressed. You should say something. You should interrupt. You shouldn't interrupt. You shouldn't have waited, you should have asked. You shouldn't have asked, you should have waited.

 

I've put on 32 kg since I've been with her trying to massage her feelings. My fault. She doesn't accept any responsibility for all the food she's bought or she's had me buy. I don't see my friends enough? I don't do my hobbies enough? That's my fault. She's not stopping me. Except she cries and sulks when I don't see her. But then says she doesn't want me to feel trapped.

 

I feel like I cannot say anything. I feel trapped. I don't know what my feelings are. I just know Im in a situation that I don't know if I want to be in. Im along for the ride. I think I love her.

 

She does all this stuff, and five minutes later, I forget it. I don't discuss it with her. I feel like I don't have the opening or that it's appropriate to discuss with her.

 

But it's still there in my head festering away.

 

So how on earth do I love her? How on earth can I not get away from her?

 

What on earth is wrong with me?

 

This is the hard bit. Working out why I was attracted to her in the first place. Why I've put up with it. Why Im still there? Do I really love her? What do I see in her? What is this hold over me?

 

I don't blame her for anything she does. I just see that she's a broken person that I would do anything for. We do smile, we laugh, we enjoy intimacy. But our politics don't align. She's a socialist. Im a conservative. She's a feminist. Im a liberalist. She thinks men are to blame for everything and the things women do can be forgiven because they're lesser in number than men. Whereas I think evil exists across all divisions and only by people working toegether will evil be stamped out for all and everyone be able to live and work together in harmony.

[FMW]

From all the things you described, I think there is some other issue keeping you with her other than loving her.

 

Maybe you are afraid to be alone and so far at least it has been preferable to put up with her crap than face being single and alone.

 

Maybe you are severely conflict avoidant and would rather stay stuck than go through an emotional breakup.

 

Don't base your decisions about the relationship on potential, on what could be if things change. Significant change is unlikely.

[Tailor2000]

I think conflict avoidance is defintely up there. I think that's definitely spot on.

 

Im not afraid of being alone par se, I guess Im afraid of not finding anyone else. And afraid of it just being my luck for her to turn her life around when Im no longer with her and I end up losing out on someone amazing. But that's the "potential" factor of what you talk about.

 

I've been with her nearly three years. Apart from growing in confidence, she hasn't changed much. Even her friends have cut her off. They don't like what they see.

 

She has tried "breaking up with me" to protect me from herself. She says she's not good enough for me. And when I should run, I end up patching things up.

 

I know in my head I need to end it, but when push comes to shove, I can't. I don't want to see her upset or think of her as being upset. I don't know anyway around that.

 

How do I muster up the courage to end this?

 

There's people who have gone through this. People who have felt scared for all these reasons. How do they get to that conviction to follow through on a break up?

[Wallysbears]

This all just sounds like a gigantic disaster and mental health mess. And gross with the dirty room/house aspect.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

 

 

 

But when I think about it, I just think about what our future could be like if she sorts her mess out. I don't want her to cry. I don't like the thought of her being devastated and her life going to hell.

 

 

 

More then likely she will NEVER change! Are you willing to waste your time and emotions on someone that will likely never change? Breaking up w/my 1st ex was prob one of the hardest things I had to do. My heart was shattered and it took me months to feel better. I knew if I stayed w/him, my life would be miserable. Since I broke up though and didn't stay, I gave myself an opportunity to find a man that adores me and who I would trade the world for.

 

 

You aren't responsible for what she does in life and you destroying your life won't help her. If you are miserable, leave. No one is allowed to disrespect you

[Tailor2000]

Thanks.

 

I'm struggling to work out why I'm finding it so difficult to leave her. And how to get the confidence to leave her.

 

I've been reading up on BPD girlfriend's and it's almost verbatim what I see in her with just two differences. She never really think highly of herself. And anger is usually directed at herself.

 

Yesterday she insulted me in front of a group of people. Ten minutes later she told me she loved me so I had no other choice to reciprocate to make her feel good. Half an hour later she's showering me with affection.

 

Extremely frustrating.

 

And then I read about how people do manage to cope in bpd relationships. So why shouldn't I? Why can't I? Why should i.?

[Tailor2000]

I'm still trying to find some impetus in breaking up with my girlfriend.

 

Apart from the fact we like to hold each other and generally enjoy each others company, there's very little I can say that's good between us.

 

I give her so much energy, she takes it. She expects me to be there on tap for her. She's not unhygienic, but she is dirty and slobby. Then there's all her insecurities, ego issues, trust issues, general laziness, her jealousy. When I'm with her I spend more and eat more because im trying to make her happy. Then she blames me for the spending.

 

I'll say one night that I'm have something light to eat but knowing she just goes along with me I say if she decides to have anything else though im happy to have what she's having. But she thinks that means I want that thing which she wasn't going to have.

 

And little conversations like that just blow up and she doesn't understand what I'm saying.

 

Anyhow I know I've had enough. I want to end it. But I'm having huge problems ending it.

 

I think I've spent so long biting my lip that I've got no anger left. My family ask do I want to be with her? They tell me if I want to leave then I'm not being very nice in prolonging things. Its a good point

 

Of course I would love to make it work. But it's not working. Yes I want to end it. But I don't know why I'm not?

 

I'm having trouble justifying why I'm ending it. She'll get upset. She'll promise to change. I'll cave and tell her I didn't mean it in just angry. Nothing will change and I'll resent it.

 

I can't discuss any issues. I get greeted with a wall of crying or she turns things around on me. Maybe that's another reason I can't end it?

 

Can I leave a relationship by email?

[FMW]

You can leave by email, but that would be cowardly and disrespectful.

 

Be an honorable man and tell her face to face. You don't have to justify why you're leaving beyond telling her it's not working for you. What would you tell her in an email? Tell her that to her face.

 

Be strong in your decision, don't back down. Be kind but resolute. Of course it's difficult and unpleasant, but unfortunately life can be that way at times.

[Tailor2000]

Id probably tell her more in an email that I couldn't say face to face.

 

I struggle with getting my feelings out face to face. I struggle with "confrontation". I become forgetful and words come out the wrong way.

 

I can't even tell her when we go out she's forgotten to brush her teeth because she starts crying and I do everything I can to smooth everything over and reassure her. I end up saying it's me being too sensitive and letting her off the hook.

 

So face to face I have to a resolute uncaring person. Well I can be caring but I just can't let it get to me? I have to stand firm and not give in?

[FMW]

Yes. Be gentle, but firm. Of course it will get to you, but don't let it stop you. Stay on point, don't ramble, don't let her distract you with talking about what she can do to change your mind.

 

I'm sorry, I know this is hard.

[Tailor2000]

Thank you.

 

Two other considerations.

 

First is obviously unless something happens, I feel like I don't have just cause to even raise the issue of splitting up. So perhaps I need to get in touch with her first and tell her we need to have a chat? But that's going to be obvious what's going to happen.

 

Second there's no easy place to do it. She lives with relatives as do I. Feel like this needs to be done with us alone.

 

I'm struggling with timing and venue.

 

Any advice there?

[FMW]

Yes, you definitely need to have privacy for the conversation.

 

There probably isn't any way to avoid her suspecting what's going to come unless you happen to be together somewhere alone that doesn't require arranging ahead of time to get away together or meet up.

 

If there is a park close by and the weather is nice maybe you could tell her you want to take a walk. Or a drive somewhere private close by (so that you don't have a long awkward ride back). Maybe arrange with your relatives to be out for a while so that you can talk at your place.

[preraph]

Look, if therapy would help, get therapy. But it would be nice to move out at some point if you are able to make a living wage working two jobs.

 

This girlfriend, only you know. I realize it might not be easy to find another girlfriend if you have Asperger's, but what excuse does she have for not bathing or shaving? That's free. If you care about her, make her cry. Sit her down and tell her she needs to take a shower every day and shave once a week or else you are losing your attractiveness for her. How on earth does she hold a job? She needs to be employable and she can't be if her hygiene is that bad.

 

Do NOT NOT NOT move in with her! Right now you're more her parent. She already has that. She's not behaving like a girlfriend but like a child. Don't move in with her, but I still encourage you to work towards moving into your own place by yourself or with a roommate (male) sometime.

[S2B]

You’ve obviously chosen what you are used to...(parents).

 

It’s what is familiar to you.

 

See a therapist a save for a car.

 

Work the budget so you can see on paper how to move out.

 

It’s hard to adjust at first but most people learn to adjust to what they earn.

 

 

Get a few room mates. Read codependent no more by melodie Beattie

 

It’s not healthy the way you were raised. You can break free from this scenario but you must be strong to do it.

 

No one can make you - stop going along with it.