Working out what my feelings are **Updated** Still can't end it

[Tailor2000]

I did move out once before, but as much as I love my flatmate, we were totally incompatible. One of the biggest things is I don't know my direction in life. My mother was a cryer too, and she cried so much when I moved out, even though really, she pushed me into it.

 

I would like to live the religious life, but it's by no means guaranteed. So I've been pushing against so many doors trying to see what's open. There are things I want to do, which, I consider down to my Aspergers, I don't know how to achieve, so they pretty much stay as obsessions. It took me fifteen years to work out what I needed to do about the religious life.

 

However if I cannot live that life, what do I do? I have lived very much one day to the next, see what happens, live in the moment. I've ended up in this situation with no clear plan, no real desires.

 

I am my girlfriends biggest fan. Even now. She isn't unhygienic, she's just really messy - you cannot see the floor in her room. She has come a long way. But the fights, the control, the anger, I just can't put up with it anymore.

 

I still think the best way of ending it might be by letter - even I just sit there and read it out.

 

But when I write it down, it all seems very minor. But I think that that's the way I've been conditioned, that she doesn't mean anything by what she says, Im taking it the wrong way, the discrediting in what I say, what I do, that Im the one who's deficient... while simultaneously telling me Im the best ever.

 

For example, she doesn't like me going out. So she twists it round to only be concerned about my safety. That I don't consider what she wants. That she only wants to know. That it's her problem not mine. So she minimises all her behaviour so it's nothing. The problem is clearly with me. It's my response that's the problem.

 

She constantly thinks Im going to cheat, but she says she trusts me. It's other people that's the problem, not me. Not her.

 

It's all made to sound really rather innocent.

 

For example,

 

GF: Did you do XYZ?

Me: I didn't know you wanted me to do XYZ?

GF: I wasn't accusing you!

 

On one hand, yes, I could have said No. On the other hand, that's the way I talk. And it gets turned around to my response is the wrong response. I was being accusatory.

 

And it's just that sort of low level stuff over and over and over again. Coupled with her disgusting behaviour and everything else.

 

That's why I wonder if actually, this is abuse, and I should just write a letter and send it and have done with it.

Edited February 18, 2019 by Tailor2000

[Alice82]

Jeepers! And I thought I was dealing with a lot! I think you may need an expert opinion on how to work through all of that. A good sounding board never hurts to bounce ideas off of.

[Tailor2000]

I've resigned myself to sending a letter. I can't do it face to face, and some might say with the type of person that she is where it is difficult to discuss anything, it might be preferential to send a letter.

 

I had it all written out in the way I wanted to do, being clear, explaining the reasons and the issues.

 

It was all ready to go at the start of the week. But just before I sent it, it was like she was a different person. She started taking care of herself, care of her surroundings and showing considerably less, almost no (if any at all) control and anger. It was like she had read my letter. But I know she hasn't.

 

So now I have no justifications for ending the relationship.

 

Ahh, but hang on, isn't this part of the borderline paradox? The cycles of build up and put down?

 

Aside from her issues though, I really want to explore my vocational calling which I have to do when Im single. I know what I want to do, but it's by no means guaranteed I'll be able to do that. Ending a relationship that seems like it's on the way up for a vocation that is not guaranteed, feels like Im cutting off my nose to spite my face.

 

If my vocation does not pan out, then Im back with nothing. But I know I need to test it.

 

So why can't I end my relationship?

 

Im worried about hurting her, I don't want to lose hope in her, worried about being left with nothing. Worried that she has turned a corner and all my issues are now void.

 

Logic says if she's sorted out her issues, I've got no reason to end the relationship. But it feels different. I do love her. By love her I mean I want the best for her. I don't necessarily want to spend every waking moment with her. Does that mean I love her but Im not in love with her?

[chillii]

l swear this type of person can sense this stuff coming.

First idea just put the letter aside if you can't make your mind up now because she'll probably be back to her old self in a wk or two anyway.

[Tailor2000]

l swear this type of person can sense this stuff coming.

 

You mean my girlfriend?

 

First idea just put the letter aside if you can't make your mind up now because she'll probably be back to her old self in a wk or two anyway.

 

That's the idiotic thing. I have made up my mind. The damn annoying thing is I don't seem to able to follow through with it, yes I am a coward, yes I don't know whether I am being unfair... still...

 

Do you mean keep the letter aside until she is back to her old ways then do it then?

[chillii]

Yeah , often a person with all her sorta traits are also very very clever . lf she didn't find the letter she's probably just picked up your vibe the last few mths .

l know you said your mind was made up , but when she does an about face like that and suddenly starts cleaning up her act, well no surprises you become iffy again.

Yeah , sayin she probably won't be able to keep up this new her for very long and then you'll be wanting out again so yep , keep the letter.

[Tailor2000]

Was talking about the possibility of seeing a relative over the Easter break but said I'd prefer to stay here. She got grumpy and moody and claimed that my relative was trying to make me choose between them and her.

 

Never mind the fact that due to work, she's only going to be available for one of those days over the break.

 

People say I should do the decent thing and break it off face to face.

 

I just realise after all this time, with her drama, control, anger, hygiene etc, I don't owe her anything.

[chillii]

Yeah right.

Nope ya don't really, just because she's come good all of a sudden.

So do you still feel the same and still def wanna end it then.

lf you do then there's never a good time l don't think so if you still feel the same yeah ,afraid your gonna have to figure out how you wanna go about things and , well, do the deed.

 

Good luck.

Edited April 18, 2019 by chillii

[Tailor2000]

Yup.

 

I still want to end it. Every day it's the same stuff, over and over.

 

While she doesn't explicitly tell me what to do, what to say, where to go, or how to spend my time, her pouting and grumpiness that I don't want to spend every waking moment with her while she can take care of her own needs but I can't do mine, makes it implied that she's telling me what to do.

 

I didn't want to come here and start putting my own spin on things otherwise you just end up agreeing with me. And what if Im the one who has it wrong? What if I am colouring the situation with my own perception? What if she's the innocent one.

 

You can see what Im doing here. This is typical excuses someone who is victim of a narcissist might use. What if Im the one with the problem? What if Im reading too much into it? What if she's just tired? If I just give it one more try? I know she's trying to change...

 

Ad infinitum.

 

Anyhow yesterday, two more issues. First one, I called her cat by a different name! I had been watching a film and I said "Hello Little <name of film character>" and I got the grump look, the grump huff and puff and "That's not her name. Call her by her proper name".

 

Then she was making the bed and there's two pillows, one a regular shape, and one I hadn't seen before. I asked if the one I hadn't seen before was her pillow, and instead of just saying yes that ones mine, she started saying "well who's do you think it is?", OK I say, it's just an odd shape... she retorted "if both pillows are mine, where's yours? has it just disappeared?". Or words to that effect.

 

I mean, FFS.

 

This has stopped being funny.

 

We went looking for a house together, I made a comment about the gadgets and she told me off because we were looking for a house not gadgets. So she quite often tells me what to say.

 

I ask her a simple question, she gets angry. She asks me a loaded question like "Did you feed the cat?", and I respond with "Did you want me to feed the cat? I've never fed it before. Happy to feed it if you want. But asking if I fed the cat implies that you've either asked me to, or established a routine where you expect me to feed the cat." "You could have said No.". Yes I could have said no, but lets work on these implied expectations that you have for me.

 

I've shared some of my family subscriptions with her and a couple of close friends. Im justified in her head of giving those subscriptions to her and her family, but if I choose one of my friends, "what do they pay towards it?"

 

If I so much as talk to a woman, she thinks Im going to cheat. Her words are that she trusts me, she just doesn't trust other women.

 

If I talk to her about her hygiene she cries. She doesn't like me helping.

 

She dismisses my projects as being non essential. But in the line of work Im in, it's good to have a portfolio of work in a job interview. But she doesn't really support it, she certainly doesn't encourage me.

 

Basically when Im with her, I've got to give her my undivided attention. Unless she has an assignment to do or wants to have a shower or something. But everything I want to do, I must do at home. Which then becomes very hard when she expects me to spend so much of my time with her.

 

After a recent injury where I had to work from home, she expected me to work from her home. But I never had access to my equipment and I told her I had to work from my home. She didn't understand that, didn't get it, didn't like it. We sorted it out in the end, but it should not have been that difficult. I shouldn't have been made to feel guilty. Though she'll probably say any guilt is in my head.

 

I've got a catalogue of all this stuff. I've just had enough. Even now though a part of me is sat here wondering, what if, what if she changes, what if its in my head, am I justified? was the guilt just in my head? is she responsible for the way i think? she doesn't mean to do it. she's not a bad person. she just needs some help.

 

but no. i need to end it.

[elaine567]

The problem is not with her, you can go on listing things you don't like about her till kingdom come, the problem is with YOU.

If she is so bad, why haven't you ended it?

Why are you putting up with it?

Why aren't you taking responsibility for your own happiness?

Why are you sat on an internet forum making long lists about how awful she is?

[Tailor2000]

The problem is not with her, you can go on listing things you don't like about her till kingdom come, the problem is with YOU.

If she is so bad, why haven't you ended it?

Why are you putting up with it?

Why aren't you taking responsibility for your own happiness?

Why are you sat on an internet forum making long lists about how awful she is?

 

If you read everything you would know why. I saw your message in another thread about how useless shy men are, yet you seem to have missed the points I made.

 

Ok. Some might consider the relationship to be abusive. Possibly narcissistic, maybe borderline personality. That type of dynamic at least.

 

They really do a number on you. While she may only check off about ten from twenty in a psychological list of controlling behaviours, it's still quite controlling. Growing up around people with that kind of behaviour as parents also makes things double hard. And with my kind of personality, I give people the benefit of doubt, I try to support them, have hope they'll change. I think just a bit more love, a bit more patience. I wonder if I can trust my judgment. Am I the one with the problem? You've just told me it's not her problem, it's mine

 

Then I feel I need to justify ending it. What are my reasons? Am I making the right decision? Is there anything else I can do? Why did I love her? Do I love her now? If she sorted out her issues, would I live her again? Then how do I end it? Almost two years ago she threatened suicide.

 

So forgive me if I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.I know there's issues, but I had hope. And every single issue is a nail in the coffin and another step closer to ending it. Was going to end it last week but then she "changed". That completely threw me.

[chillii]

Well , your not imagining it.

This is why they say it's often the partners of BD's that end up on the couch questioning their own sanity, not the BD's themselves.

Because they have this amazing talent of twisting you into knots so that in the end the partner doesn't know which ways up. Thing is ,meanwhile the best part of your life is wasting away and you need to make a decision.

Nothing in this is gonna be an easy way, not staying , not leaving. Your not the first one to be going through the dilemma and indecision male or female shy or not , women take years to sort this stuff out too , many many do, but one day when the decision finally just has to be made, the bomb has to be dropped, afraid there's no other way.

Put aside a private list of your own and keep it. Go through that when in doubt, or later to remind yourself of how this all really was , not the blur of good and bad it will become later when you weaken, the real reality.

Either way , lifes too short to go on in it if your miserable but your the only one on this planet that can do something about it.

Good luck.

[S2B]

I think what Elaine was saying (that it’s your problem) is that YOU choose to stay while she is being difficult/abusive. That part is onyou.

 

You stay... you see most healthy people that have expectations that who they are with be kindandreaaonable would never stay with this gal for more than a minute. Yet you stayed - and you need to figure out why being treated poorly is ok with you. It shouldn’t be!

 

Stop allowing anyone to be unkindto you! You train people how to treat you - and she now knows you’ll stay when she is a total @itch to you!

 

Run!!! Stop wasting time and energyonher! And end it now! And stay far away when she tries to beg you back after you end it! You see - EVERY abuser needs someone to abuse (stop allowing it to be you).

 

That’s why it’s on you! Because YOU shoukdbechanging this yet you haven’t when you know you’re being treated terribly! Someone must have mistreated you growing up and this became “your normal”.

 

It is NOT normal - and you can learn a new normal if you get help to u deratand life is too short to put up with crap from anyone you spend time with!

 

The RIGHT gal will make you feel better - she will lift you up and make you a better man than when you’re alone. That’s a good standard to have!

[snowcones]

Here's a hint: if you're starting to lose the hair on your head, it's time to move out of mommy and daddy's house. You're a grown azz man. And no, I don't want to hear any bullcrap about how you help your parents out. Just move. Maybe you even need to move out of the area to a less expensive area, or get a higher paying job or a side gig. The rest of your problems will work themselves out after that.

Edited April 28, 2019 by snowcones

[Whodatdog]

I think its time for you to worry about yourself, and let her worry about herself. This is obviously not a relationship with any depth or future. You are letting her actions control yours. You cant control her. You cant control what she says, what she does. You CAN control how you react to her. Its way past time for you to move out of your parents house and make a life for yourself. Thats what you need to be concentrating on, yourself. Get a job, or get some more schooling. Dont make excuses why you cant do it, figure out how you can. Be a positive force in your own life. Dont be guilted by others. It sounds like getting yourself in a positive position is going to be a full time effort on your part. You cant if you let others drag you down.

[Springsummer]

Goodness, I think I am a very very indecisive person, until I see this thread...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, there's really quite a lot I wanted to say about your thread, but for now I'm going to focus on these questions you posed:

 

"What to do? How do you people figure out what you want? How do you pluck up the courage to end it without caring about the response?"

 

You are struggling with these questions because you've never learned how to set healthy boundaries. Your parents, by their own designs, have stunted your emotional growth. You don't know what a healthy adult relationship looms like because you have never been in one. I don't mean any of my comments to be a put down. That you have identified your mother as narcissistic is a huge step in the right direction. You are completely enmeshed with your parents (like the level a pre-teen is)...they have never allowed you to fully realize your own identity. I suspect based on your statement that your father will divorce if you left, that he may be narcissistic, yoo. At the very least, he has extreme boundary issues as well.

 

You are not responsible for anyone else's life, behavior, or decisions, but you are 100% responsible for your own. Only a great deal of counseling with a good, licensed therapist will help you gain the skills you are seeking. Should you dump your girlfriend? Probably...but if you were to ask my counselor that question, she'd say it would give you a good opportunity to explore what's happening inside you (BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE WILLING TO DO THE WORK WITH A SOLID TRAINED PROFESSIONAL). Don't be a sacrificial lamb for the sake of it. Your girlfriend has a ton of her own issues she needs to address, but doesn't appear like she will be doing so anytime soon.

 

Get counseling so someday you can have a healthy, satisfying relationship. The sooner you start, the better.

[Tailor2000]

Get counseling so someday you can have a healthy, satisfying relationship. The sooner you start, the better.

 

Thanks.

 

Some really great advice.

 

I've had loads of counselling and therapy over the years. None of it comes cheap. I consider myself to be quite well adjusted and well grounded all things considered. I just feel surrounded with idiots.

 

The only reason Im with her is I think hope. Hope she will get better. But every day she lets me down. Time and time again. I am far too forgiving and generous with it. That's a positive spin on it.

 

I used to be the kind of person that I didn't care what others thought of me, I had to do what made me happy. It's amazing how few people actually support you in your own wants. They all have their own narcissistic tendencies to want you to do things a certain way.

 

You kind of get used to it after a while and start thinking, OMG, what if that's normal, and my behaviour is abnormal? What if Im being too tough on my girlfriend? What if her behaviour is perfectly normal? What if Im the one who cannot compromise. Etc etc.

 

To the others who think they know my life, and think it's just as easy as clicking your fingers and getting a higher paid job, or clicking your fingers and moving out, no... it's not. I did move out for a period, but there was an incompatibility between me and my room mate, not to mention a complete lack of finances. Im not going to justify those here. Then you add illness, injury, therapy etc to the mix and I've really struggled to get going. I could have managed things better I know this. Things just seemed so bleak and not possible so I maintained the status quo until it was possible.

 

I will get more mental therapy. At the moment Im sorting out my physiotherapy after a serious injury.

[Tailor2000]

For the sake of coming back to an old thread...

 

Im still with her. I just cannot end it.

 

There's the doubt that Im being irrational, the fear of confrontation, and the worry that I may just be looking at things through a depressed filter.

 

OK, so she has relationship anxiety, but I need to learn to set boundaries than try to manage her feelings. Arguments are normal. She has anger issues which Im sure she could solve with counselling...

 

Although she has massive problems, I do see her trying to make an effort to change. I feel like the bad person. All the insults and put downs, about how I can't look after my money, or show her any videos on my phone because she doesn't like what I like, or how she doesn't like my music, but Im supposed to listen intently to her stuff... I mean... that's normal. A good proportion of this I endured growing up. It's part of being human right? It's called making mistakes. Im making a mountain out of a molehill. People are just responding to things based on the spin that I put on them. So it's all my fault. Right? It's normal for her to be upset when I want a weekend away to go and see relatives?

 

I should just stay with her and have some couples counselling?

 

Seriously though, there's quite a few things I could say are typical relationship behaviour, Im reading too much into it. But then on the other hand, there just feels like a load of disrespect. So what the hell am I trying to justify being with her?

[BaileyB]

I need to learn to set boundaries than try to manage her feelings. Arguments are normal. She has anger issues which Im sure she could solve with counselling...

 

I should just stay with her and have some couples counselling?

 

No, you need to leave this woman. Don’t try to normalize her behavior. She is abusive. You have said it yourself many times in this discussion - you need to end this relationship. Counselling is not going to help.

 

The only person that you control is yourself. If you do not like the abusive way she behaves toward you, the only decision you have is to leave.

Edited May 16, 2019 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Truth is there is no set threshold that needs to be reached in order to leave a person.

One can leave a person for any reason.

There is no wrong or right.

If that person does not gel with you, then you can put up and shut up and be miserable or you can choose a different path.

This girl is not your wife, there will be no long drawn out divorce proceedings or a huge financial hit, or little kids left distressed, if you break up here.

You just tell her it is over and you do not even need to see her ever again.

There are no relationship police going over the evidence, to try to find you guilty of "getting it wrong" you just need to end it and get on with your life.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Are you trying to convince yourself of something here in regards to your woman?

 

It boils down what I keep saying over and over.

 

Is it worth it for you? Is she worth it? Your girlfriend that is.

 

As for your parents, if you have access to money, perhaps consider living with your girlfriend..... if she's worth it.

 

Otherwise, get ready to move out and go about your own way. This way you can distance yourself from the behaviors described. Perhaps it can be a bonding experience with you and your woman. Or a liberating experience for yourself.

 

Either way, all you need to be sure of is yourself.

[Tailor2000]

Another quick question, loving someone with BPD like this, is it common for those with BPD to suck your life and energy and become the confident one while you become the anxious one and self loathing one?

 

Three years and I feel anxious and depressed, unable to cope, full of loathing. Three years ago I was happy, confident, able to take on the world. Now I just feel. Well I feel like she used to do while she feels like I used to do.

[The Outlaw]

The GF needs to go. Now. She really isn't helping you any, and should you opt to move in with her, it won't be that much of a difference from when you were with your parents. She could easily hinder and progress or attempt to better yourself. It's best to cut her and your parents loose and find a place for yourself. Find a job, or even two as d0nnivain put it, and put yourself on a tight budget, and limit any and all spending to bills only for the time being, and put aside any money that you can. Start small. Take baby steps. Practice and perfect being independent. And again, cut them all out of your life. I know it isn't easy, but you've GOT to think for yourself.

[BaileyB]

Another quick question, loving someone with BPD like this, is it common for those with BPD to suck your life and energy and become the confident one while you become the anxious one and self loathing one?

 

I think this is true of any emotionally abusive relationship.

 

It’s hard to leave, but it will be the single best decision you can make for yourself. Gather your strength, and leave.