40somethingGuy Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 No, please don't tell the kids this way. Wrong. Kids need to know the truth and the truth is that DAD has to initiate the divorce because MOM choose to stab the family in the back with the new BF. There are consequences with choosing to cheat. It ruins families and DAD is not going to be the bad guy that broke the family. Mom can explain her actions to the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 TCL, I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I know it is very frustrating to not know "why" when you thought everything was great. I can't really imagine that shock of that . If she loses you and the family unit, she'll probably be asking herself the same exact thing! She probably got attention from someone new and lacked the self-control to resist it. It's that simple . Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 I would talk to an attorney AND to a therapist. This isn't an easy situation and you have some hard decisions to make. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 Doing nothing and 'rug sweeping' this is the worst thing you can do. It will affect you and your relationship horribly in the future. BTDT and would never do it again - even if she 'would never do that' (she would and has). While it is very tough, you have no choice for you and what's left of your family life to be strong and tell her you know what's going on and aren't going to be a doormat. Tell her you value honesty above all else and know she is not being honest. Tell her you most likely have to divorce her for the lying and cheating, believe in full disclosure to everyone about why, and if she continues to communicate with him in ANY way you are done for sure. Make no mistake, she has been intimate with him. Tell her you know more than she thinks and she has one chance to come completely clean. Lies will not be tolerated. Ask her if she wants to stay married and what she intends to do to stay that way - and listen. If she hesitates in any way then your actions are clear - though honestly they should be anyway. I'm sorry - but she is already gone. Certainly she ruined your relationship as you knew it. Ironically these actions will help if you divorce or stay together. See an attorney. Safeguard your assets. Make sure you are eating and sleeping as well as possible. Get an STD test and tell your wife she has to get one too as her fidelity is in doubt for very good reason. That may help shock her into reality. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 (edited) TCL there is only one answer as to why she did it and that is because she wanted to. Cheaters lie and as you can see by her continued contact after busting her with POS, your feelings and the split up of your family are not enough to stop her. Almost every woman on this forum would give their right arm to have her lifestyle so if it's not your relationship and it's not about you and not about money problems there can only be one other possibility, it's all about her. Marriages that have gone through a lot worse stuff then yours have survived infidelity. They survived because they both wanted the marriage equally and that meant ending any relationship with the O/M or O/W. You can't be in a marriage part time and expect it to succeed. Tell her what your boundaries are, no contact with POS, transparency, independent counselling to find out why she gave herself the approval to cheat on you. Don't waste your money on marriage counselling until she's been through independent counselling first. Most marriage counselors are about saving the marriage and not so much about getting to the cause that led to the cheating. You need to give her your boundaries in writing and if she is unwilling to abide by them isn't it better you know now rather then wasting years of your life in false reconciliation? You do need to talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights and the rights of your children, your their voice too. Staying in a bad relationship because of children is the wrong thing to do. You may want to ask the lawyer about a post nuptial agreement while your there. If she won't respect your vows perhaps she'll respect a financial consequence. You have already given her the gift of a second chance and she's already sh*t all over that. Quit moving the line you've drawn in the sand or she will never respect you. It is decision time, she's all in the marriage or cut her loose. Nothing in between will work. You have enough information to decide what is best for you, decide. Ask her for a written timeline of her affair, sometimes that helps her with the perspective of the damage she has caused. Read up on "the 180" make it your new mantra. Edited January 29, 2019 by aliveagain Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Hey TCL, before you do anything else talk with a divorce lawyer and know what your options are. She is cheating on you and never assume that it hasn’t go physical yet. More then likely it has. Bullchit on the OM’s response that he doesn’t want to hurt the family. He already has. When you do confront again just say I guess you chose him. Hand her divorce papers and walk away. Make her chase you. She has to fight to keep you, not the other way around. If you play the chose me game you will push her further away. You have to decide what YOU can live with if you stay with her. You have to figure this out before anything else. If you can get past what has happened then stay and fix. If not, file for divorce and get through it as best you can. Do not stay for the kids. They will see through what ever front you and your cheating wife put up. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 a single guy knows that a married woman is taken already, he is not looking to be half of a couple, he might even be avoiding it Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 I told her I love you very much but I know what was going on with you and the OM. Her first statement was what are you talking about in a very shocked voice. She lied. Cheaters will only admit what you can prove. I told her that I have seen the messages and wanted to know if she has had a physical affair with him. She denied it and said no. She told me that the relationship is nothing and that he is her friend and that is why she says she loves him. She lied. Cheaters will only admit what you can prove. After a long conversation she asked if I was going to divorce her and I told her no but the relationship has to end. What she heard is that divorce over her lying and cheating was not on the table, and that you will do nothing about it. But as time has went on for the past few months I have noticed that she guards her watch and phone like crazy. So at that point, I knew that she's still talking to him. I started looking at phone records and getting the watch when I could and of course, there it is. She lied. She never stopped cheating. She knows that divorce over her lying and cheating was not on the table, and that you will do nothing about it. Weakness is what gives strength to affairs. This is a common early reaction to infidelity. The sooner that you get strong the better. You must be really willing to end the marriage, to have a marriage worth keeping. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 She lied. Cheaters will only admit what you can prove. She lied. Cheaters will only admit what you can prove. What she heard is that divorce over her lying and cheating was not on the table, and that you will do nothing about it. She lied. She never stopped cheating. She knows that divorce over her lying and cheating was not on the table, and that you will do nothing about it. Weakness is what gives strength to affairs. This is a common early reaction to infidelity. The sooner that you get strong the better. You must be really willing to end the marriage, to have a marriage worth keeping. In case you didn't read this the first time! Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 IMHO, your marriage is over. At least it should be as now you know how she really feels about you. If you or your family meant enough to her she would have never let it happen in the first place. As for OM, strong chance he doesn't want more than screwing around with her. He's not committed to anyone and probably for a reason. I guarantee she will crawl back to you if you either push divorce or find your own AP. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Sorry you're here and best of luck. Find your anger and harness it. Free yourself from infidelity. You need to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 The thing that really stands out in your story is that she asked you if you were going to divorce her. That's a pretty big leap to take for someone who just assured you the affair was not physical. You believed her, and yet she still views her own behavior as beyond the point of retrieval. That informs the situation more than I think you are willing to see. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 Hi TCL, it's been sometime since your thread was active. Would you care to give an update on your situation? Hope you are doing well. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 I'm trying to figure out "Why" and that's something I may never know. Why? Because she's selfish. Seriously - that's all there is to it. You can dive into the psychology and figure out "why" she's that selfish - but, does it matter? If it were childhood trauma, postpartum depression, a personality disorder, or bad diet - the result is still selfishness and choices that are all about her. You're a man, and that means your go-to strategy is to FIX this, and to take responsibility. You can't - because it's not about you. You're also part of the backdrop, a mental picture she paints to rationalize her bad choices. You can't fix this because she writes the script and you've already been cast as one of the villains in her soap opera. This is why people advise ultimatums, that notion that you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. You have to go off script, step out of character and be the guy who doesn't fix this. This soap opera needs to be cancelled. If you want a happy marriage then force her to write a new script, the one that defines how she will live in your 2nd marriage. You will never trust her again unless it is she who writes, directs, and acts this new drama. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 He's probably also married. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Hi Folks, I guess the OP has checked out of this forum because he does'nt like what everyone is saying and does not agree with it. It is that or he has manned up, divorced his wife or is in the process of divorcing her and now couldn't be bothered with updating the good folk here. Either way his story is a closed chapter. My thoughts for what they're worth! Link to post Share on other sites
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