Synergy between my needs and her needs

[LoveSafely]

I am a 50 year old male. I was married for 10 years and we had a good marriage. My wife died of ovarian cancer 3 years ago and I have had two short lived relationships since.

 

I typically end up with people that want a commitment. This is fine and I do also. However, it is painful for me to watch people check out emotionally as if I'm supposed to be patiently waiting on the sidelines for them to return.

 

I think I need a way to protect my heart here and test how often this is going to happen before feeling any sense of obligation.

 

If I just come out and say that, than my fear, and my experience earlier in life, tells me that she might check out even sooner and be even more scared of getting to close. This flies completely in the face of her wanting a commitment to begin with.

 

My sense of loyalty in general with any new partner is waning, given this propensity for women to completely check out emotionally.

 

I need some potential suggestions on how to approach this. I want to be able to have some alternatives when she decides to check out emotionally.

 

I'm also beginning to think that it's fair for me to retain those alternatives until I am reasonably certain that she has the stamina for a healthy and loving relationship.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not sure what you mean by emotionally check out or for how long?

 

I suppose the best solution would be to discuss the behavior when you see it.

[S2B]

If the women aren’t completely offering you what works for you - then stop dating them.

 

There’s no need to continue when the aren’t emotionally available.

 

Life is too short to waste time on women that aren’t giving 100% to your relationship.

 

Next...

[BaileyB]

First things first, I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother to cancer a few years ago so I can appreciate how difficult it is to walk beside someone who is fighting this disease. I also watched my father struggle to deal with her loss and the loneliness that he felt after her passing. My sincere condolences to you.

 

I’m also not entirely sure that I understand what you are asking, but if I may... I would respectfully suggest that you have not met the right women yet. I say this because when you do meet the right woman, she won’t check out emotionally...

 

I commend your effort to date after suffering such a significant loss. It’s not easy to put yourself out there and offer your heart again when you know exactly how painful it is to lose the love of your life. And, as easy as it is to say “you just haven’t met the right person yet,” it does nothing to ease your struggle as you meet women and search for the person with whom you may chose to spend the remainder of your life...

 

I wish you all the best in your search, may you find love and happiness again.

[Jamess1]

No wonder they are checking out, seek women out for seks and let them do emotional thing. And a woman who makes it explicit from the start that she wants a commitment, isn't attracted to you. She is evaluating you as a 'beta' : a man women are not attracted to, a man women pursue for provisioning,security,child provisioning, emotional comfort, basically a utility.

 

Women are 'feminine' and they are attracted to 'the masculine', your post sounds so feminine : "I'm supposed to be patiently waiting on the sidelines for them to return." Although they can say otherwise, women in practice hate guys like you : guys who emote.

 

Women pull the 'commit' card very slow with a man they really like, because they might 'scare' him off. High value men, value their their investment and commitment- and she knows she has to earn it beyond her being sexual with him.

 

You are struggling with things women aught to struggle with, just be a man, enjoy women, have fun- she is not yours, just your turn.

[elaine567]

I think mirroring is quite a common phenomenon in relationships.

With your history of bereavement and loss, are you opening up fully to these women or do they sense a barrier, put up one of their own and then check out.

When behaviours are repeated it is always good to analyse your own input into the situation as often the answer lies there.

[smackie9]

Keep things simple at first...have lady friends, dates and keep it casual. If one of them shows more interest, that's when you have the conversation with them, that you want someone who won't emotionally check out on you. If they feel things are not right, to speak up and talk about it. Express you expect open honest communication. Maybe this will also help bring things to light about yourself.