dangerawesome Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 I broke up with my ex in August 2018 after a two year relationship. We'd been hooking up for for about 5 years on-and-off as I'd been living in China for the first three years. I'd also known her for about 13 years as we were friends from college. At the beginning she had consistently said, "I'm not ready" but I figured I could "convince" her by being awesome (going on exotic vacations together). Only later did I realize that by not respecting her boundaries I was setting us up for failure. In the two years we lived together, while we had great physical chemistry, our emotional triggers kept rubbing each other the wrong way (the anxious-avoidant dance). She struggles with anxiety and has a hard time letting go and drawing boundaries in general. To make matters worse, I snooped on her phone and found she was texting her college ex-boyfriend very regularly while we were together, possibly daily. She later admitted that she had been emotionally unfaithful. By the end of summer 2018 we stopped having sex (maybe twice a month) and my self-esteem was at an all time low. I decided to relocate to Vancouver with our dog for my job, and we agreed to take some space (she lives in California). After a month apart I decided to really cut the cord - we both weren't really the best versions of ourselves and I didn't think I'd ever really feel safe with her. In the months after, we messaged a little bit, and then in October 2018 she reached out and said she wanted to come visit for my birthday. Yet when I said I'd like for her to come, she pulled away and said she wanted to heal some more. Initially I was frustrated but eventually I said that was fine and that I'd like to get the rest of my things in November -- as a friend, not staying together, just to tie things up. When I did eventually see her in November, she ended up bringing me home from the airport and we made out but didn't have sex. She let me know she had started seeing someone else (her new male roommate) and didn't want to sleep with multiple people at the same time. I reacted pretty poorly to that information, generally getting indignant and moving to another room in the house to sleep (she later came in and we made up but still no sex). She kept saying she still loves me and misses me, which is why I felt so mind****ed. That was a very traumatizing weekend for me. In the weeks afterwards we dabbled with the idea of trying again, and then in December she booked a flight to come visit me. She initiated that idea after I said I wanted to block her (she said she called me 'accidentally'). Yet, 10 days later, after I sent her a Merry Christmas message with a picture, and she replied the next day by saying she couldn't come to visit. On December 26th she cancelled her flight and blocked me on all forms of social media (and my number though that has since been unblocked). She also unfriended all of my family and friends, which I took to mean she was really committed to letting go and moving on. All of my friends think it is a good thing that this relationship is over but I can't shake the feeling that we have more to our story. I asked her for a closure call when I saw I'd been unblocked and we chatted on Jan 11th 2019. The call itself was really warm and friendly, and I could tell there was still a lot of affection under the surface. I'm still blocked on all social media, but I miss her and would be lying if I said I didn't want to give it another try. But I also want us both to heal and come in with way less baggage this time. We both made bad decisions but there's genuine connection, affection and love. I'm reluctant to fully let go and I think she is too. Tl;dr: How much time do you need to heal from a toxic first time-around relationship? What would it take for it work better? Do we need to let go fully before getting back in becomes a good idea? Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Is she still dating the other guy? It's really hard to heal when you're still holding on to hope that you'll get back together, in my opinion. Especially when you're so entangled with someone. And when a relationship is long, like yours was, it's that much harder. So much history, painful things, harsh words that haven't been forgotten. You've got a strong connection to this person and that takes a long time to process it all. This woman has a lot of issues to work on herself. That part you can't control. You can work on yourself and that might make you realize things about her and the relationship. But it sounds like it's going to be a long time until she's able to commit to one person. She also sounds pretty passive aggressive, with the blocking and unblocking. These are not keys to a healthy relationship. No one knows what lies ahead for any of us in life. So no one can ever say "it will never work out" but you can't live your life hoping for a might be. Otherwise you'll wake up one day and wonder what happened. ETA: In my opinion, if you're still in touch with your ex 5 months after you broke up and you're not actively working on getting back together, that's not a good situation and someone is going to get very hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerawesome Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) To my knowledge she's not hooking up with her roommate any more (she had sent me a message in November saying she stopped seeing him and knew it was unhealthy aka a rebound). Then again, she also said in that same message that she'd like to come visit and try -- and added she'd do that only when she's not feeling so much pain. It's possible she's hooking up with her roommate but I doubt that's a relationship that will go the distance. More likely, she is dating again (as am I) but nothing serious. For the majority of this relationship, I was doing about 70-80% of the work. Had I had better self-respect I would have left sooner because I knew she wasn't over her college-ex. In fact, only after I broke up with her did she say she cut things off with her college sweetheart (then she went straight into the arms of her new male roommate). Still, I'm hoping these miss-steps will be the catalyst for growth she needs, and then of course she can get back in touch if she wants or onto a new partner. Either way, I want her to be healthy and happy in the long-run regardless of what happens between us. She's been a little messy these last 7 years with lots of ups and downs so I'm hoping she finds the center she's looking for. I think if I do decide to reach out in a month or two, it will be a casual 'let's hang out and see if there's still a spark'. Last time we saw each other, there definitely was -- but it also led to some major trauma for me. I don't want to get hurt like that again but I suspect when I'm not as emotionally invested in the outcome, I'll be able to keep my head above water. The hardest part is still letting go of the dreams we had -- but they were good dreams and I think she misses them too. If not a couple of months, then it'll definitely be a 'if the universe wants it' kind of thing. Edited January 30, 2019 by dangerawesome Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerawesome Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 Any other opinions or insights out there? Any strategies I could use to ease us back in from afar? Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerawesome Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 Would love to have another perspective if anyone has one. Or words of wisdom. Is waiting one or two months a good idea? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 It sounds to me that you're very much flogging a dead horse here. The relationship is over and should be left in the past. You need to move on to better things rather than revisiting such a bad relationship and trying to make things work with someone who is wholly unsuitable. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts