What does he want?!

[Honning]

Hello everyone!

I ask for a bit of patience here because this is quite a long story. And English is not my native language, so I apologize for any mistakes

Here's my story: at the end of November 2018 I met this 35-year-old guy, who lives in a town 300km from where I live. We met via Tinder and immediately started talking because we had the same interests in common, especially videogames.

He was super excited to meet a girl who actually knew a LOT about games and doesn't only play Candy Crush, so he was into me basically from day one. I was a bit more skeptical..

He would send me tons of messages, pictures and videos every day all day, even when at work.. we would play games together via Steam while talking...

 

 

He soon told me he was very attracted to me and in love with me even if we had been in touch for a week or so, because he had never met someone with all the same matching interests. Furthermore, a lot of strange coincidences made us laugh like finding each other on Tinder even if we lived so many kilometers apart (none of us had Tinder Gold or had been in the other's town...), we would often say, think or write the same things at the same time, and so on...

 

 

He says he wants to be sincere from day one, and tells me he had been married for 5 years with a Filipino woman, but that they had never really had gotten along after the marriage (which occurred shortly after they met upon her request, because she needed to be married to a local to be allowed to stay in the country). Under pressure, he accepted, also because they were in love, but he told me that the following five years were a complete disaster. They never even had children together.

A couple of months before he met me, they decided to divorce and he went to live temporarily at a friend's place, while she stayed at the apartment they had bought together. Right after the divorce, she discovered she has a brain tumor, and starting having mood swings, often attacking him via messages and then acting all normal.

 

 

I appreciate his sincerity and confess I still live with my ex, whom I now am just friends with. He doesn't take it nicely, especially because I had waited a while before saying it, and for a while he has been very stressed about it. After a few days he returns to being the happy guy I knew who bombarded me with attention and sweet messages, so we soon decide to meet.

I work as a FA and therefore get very cheap tickets, so I flew to his town and stayed at a hotel, where he joined me. Needless to say, it was love at first sight. No awkwardness at all, it felt like we had known each other for ages. He showed up with roses and chocolate (quite common you would say, but no one had ever done it for me), and taking me out for dinner and paying for everything. We had a great time together before I flew back home, and we decided to spend the Christmas together in my town. We did not see each other the week before Christmas, but we obviously kept in touch every day, all day and play, and do all the things we did before. He told me I made him the happiest man alive, and that he had never felt so much love for a girl before. That I would get him on one knee one day, and that we would make a beautiful family...

 

 

But then I started to doubt. My paranoia- amplified by a personality disorder called Borderline- was starting to kick in, and I began to wonder whether he was telling me the truth about his ex or not. I started talking about it with him, and he would promptly answer all of my questions. Then I'd talk about it with my mom- whom is also my best friend, wise and with a lot of experience- and she said something sounded off. This only served to increase my doubts, and I started pressing him more and more. I told him I needed evidence, and he sent me a picture of his ex-wife and gave me her full name. He told me that she had deleted her account on FB, so I would not find her there. And that he had deleted all of their pictures together. That also sounded a bit odd to me, but I chose to ignore it. But that wasn't enough for me, and I told him that if we really wanted to go live together, she needed to leave the apartment. Because she didn't have a job, she never did, and she never paid for the mortgage anyway. I threatened to leave him if he didn't text her to leave. So he did and sent me the screenshots as proof. He wasn't exactly rude or anything, but did confess he had met another and needed the apartment. She sounded surprised that he had already met someone else, but wrote she would be celebrating Christmas in the Philippines and that she'd stay there for three weeks, and that she'd try to find another place to stay in the meantime.

That calmed me for a while. I can still remember the fear and stress in his voice when I told him, ice-cold, that I'd break up with him if he didn't do as I said...

 

 

 

And so, I arranged the tickets and the accommodation for him for the big Christmas day, since I can get a great crew discount, and he joined for Christmas. And here started the trouble in Paradise. I had been working all week right before Christmas and had been away from home. And yet, I booked a trip to Krakow in January for both since he loves the city, and bought a Christmas card and some chocolate. You can imagine my disappointment when he showed up with nothing at all. I decided not to say anything because I did not want to spoil the cheerful day, and also because he wanted to take me to meet his family to have dinner and celebrate together. After dinner, we returned to the hotel. I really liked his family, though I met his step-sister, his step-brother and his ex step-father only, who now lives with another woman and no longer with his biological mother. His mother lives in France and he does not keep much in touch with his father. He has always told me his step-father has been his real dad to him for 15 years, and he still considered him an important element in his life.

 

 

And then I exploded. I told him I was extremely disappointed because he hadn't even bought me a single chocolate for our very first Christmas together, when only a week before he was telling me how much he wanted to spoil me because I was so extraordinary. I told him we could just end it there, because his romanticism was already over after the first date and he had shown his true colors.

He started crying and begging him not to dump him, because he loved me. I was taken aback, I thought it was a bit early to talk about "love"... Then he said Christmas to him means being together with the people you care for, and not the presents, but that he would take me to dinner to make up for it.

 

 

 

I was still extremely disappointed, even after the promised dinner, and I would often mention it even later on. At this point, he confessed me he was struggling with money because he had very little left on his card and would need to survive with that sum until next month. When I asked what had happened, he said he had been so stressed because of his ex and her mood swings and the apartment, that he went to live to his friend's place and had sort of forgotten to pay the bills. He also said one of his two cats had got sick, and that he had had to pay for the full check-up and the medications. Furthermore, he said he normally uses a lot of money on unnecessary things during stressful periods. So I sent him some money to allow him to buy some food, at least. He didn not ask for the money but accepted it anyway and thanked me. It wasn't a lot of money, but enough for him to keep going for a while. He also promised me things would be normal again in January, because he had taken care of the bills to pay.

 

 

I started bringing up the topic of his ex and the apartment almost daily, asking if he had heard anything from her regarding the divorce papers. He said she had stopped replying to him, and no matter how hard he tried to contact her, she'd be unavailble.

Right before New Year's Eve, I stayed at his place, and I freaked out again. But while I always got the reaction I was hoping for (him stressing and starting crying and begging me not to leave him) before, now I got nothing. He just looked up at the ceiling, resigned. His face said it all: "do as you like". He was getting tired, and now I was the scared one. I pressed him anyway almost all night, despite both needing to get up early in the morning for work, and in the end he said he was starting to feel irritated whenever I talked about the same things over and over again. Especially when he was unable to give me an answer. He said I needed to be patient because he couldn't do anything about it. I asked him to talk to a laywer to speed up the process, and he said he had sent his ex an electronic document for her to sign within a month. If she didn't sign by the deadline, the process would go on automatically with or without her.

 

 

In fear of losing him, I forced myself to keep all the doubts that were consuming me to myself, especially because he was starting to act very cold and distant towards me. For over a week I avoided the topic, but the atmosphere was often tense. We would still play and talk, but he wasn't the same anymore. He wasn't THAT enthusiastic anymore, and would often say it was too early to move in together, because we had been fighting for two weeks straight, and I had been very aggressive. But we tried to hold on, and after several days, he was becoming a bit more affectionate again. Calling me "love" and "honey", and sounding a bit more cheerful.

 

 

We then traveled to Krakow [Poland], despite the financial situation (no, it never got any better in January). He asked his boss to get an advance on his paycheck so that I wouldn't have to pay for absolutely everything. However, I had sent him some more money a while before so he could pay the bill for his mobile phone and buy some food. He was completely broke... Well, we ended up having a great time together. We did all the things we had planned, and just enjoyed each other's company like almost never before. He started to regularly hold my hands while walking, holding the door for me, and sleep wrapping his hands around me, taking care of me when I got a terrible headache the first night (despite me being in a terrible mood and mistreating him a bit), and he even repaired my laptop, which I thought was dead for good.

 

 

 

Since he had told me long before he had some issues with a minor form of OCD and anxiety, I confess that I am also a peculiar person: that I am a Borderline, which amplifies my feelings, and particularly anger. He looked it up but sounded quite relaxed about it. He told me I needed to see a psychologist who could teach me how to control my emotions. When we returned back home, I stayed one more day at his place. And yes, he is extremely messy and his apartment looks like hell no matter how often I try to clean it up, and I find cat hair absolutely EVERYWHERE, since they are also allowed to sleep in bed. But I still enjoyed being with him.

 

 

However, as soon as we stepped inside that apartment, things started going wrong: no internet available, I complained about the mess and the cat hair in bed, so he quickly tried to eliminate it with a brush, then I complained about the cat sand scattered everywhere, and he tried to vacuum-clean when the vacuum-cleaner died on him once and for all and his cat decided to get sick again. All happened within five minutes maybe. He flipped out completely and started cursing loudly like I had never seen him, so I hugged him and told him it was going to be fine. He apologized and calmed down immediately. Then things got a lot better: we watched TV, played some games, even made love that night, and the following morning, when I left, I felt like the happiest person alive.

 

 

Little did I know that would be the last time I'd see him...

When I woke up the following day at the hotel where I was staying for work, I was in a terrible mood for no apparent reason. The ghost of his ex, the apartment, his financial situation still not fixed... He also told me he needed to bring his cat to the veterinarian again, but he had absolutely no money, so I willingly sent him some to cover the expenses. But my mom was warning me to be careful, that a stable 35-year-old man would never end up like that and be so irresponsible, and that he shouldn't be getting by thanks to the generous help of his girlfriend. She told me she doubted he loved me, and that he probably just wanted me for money, because I wouldn't hesitate when it came to that.

 

 

And so I also started stressing because of this new doubt. What if she was right? I told him I doubted he really cared for me, that he probably just needed me for money. He was hurt, and said he'd never let me meet his family and make plans for the future if he hadn't been serious. I sourly told him I had only met his STEP-family, which he had no blood-bond with. He started to sound irritated -no, PISSED OFF- and told me I was the first person to be able to get him that angry, that he was starting to get enough because he had no idea what more he was supposed to do to show me he really loved me.

 

 

I insisted he should talk to a laywer and fix the thing with his ex, and he replied this was his private life and I had nothing to do with how he wanted to deal with his ex. He said he had felt extremely guilty when I forced him to kick her out of the apartment when she was jobless, broke and sick. I told him I was also sick, and he coldly replied with "yes, and I tried to help by telling you to go to a psychologist." The ice in his voice just made me even angrier, and I hung up on him. I was expecting him to text me straight away but he didn't. So I wrote that I wanted my stuff back. We messaged for a bit. He was wondering how things could turn upside down so quickly, and we kept on fighting. I then called him and asked him if my personality disorder was a problem. He replied that he was unsure, because it would take too long to fix it. So I said I had always been there for him to help, regardless of all the stress, the fights and how long HIS problems would take to solve.

In the end, I asked him if he wanted to end it. He said he wasn't sure what he felt for me any more. That he LOVED me but that we were obviously not getting along and not working well together. But he would still not take responsibility to end it, so I did it for both. I wished him good luck with everything, and so he did with me. I don't know if he sounded relieved or disappointed or stressed while on the phone...

 

 

Now, I am a very proud and determined person. I deleted him from every social media I have, but he asked me not to block his number because he wanted to have the chance to send back all the money I had sent him (we have an app to send money via phone number here). So I didn't. For a few days no contact at all. He had promised he would ship me the things I had left at his place, but I never heard from him so I texted him asking about news. He said he would send the package right after work. After a few hours, he texted he had sent it, but that he would give me the tracking number when he'd get home. Well, I thought it was weird: why not do it straight away?

 

I didn't hear any more from him for the rest of the evening. But I though "whatever, he said he has sent it. So I do not really need the tracking number. Takes two days to get the stuff anyway."

 

 

I get the tracking number the following day. I thank him politely. Then he starts texting me...He writes how sad everything was for ending like this, that he struggles with taking choices, that it is not easy to forget me because he has never met anyone else with the exact same interests in 35 years, and that he misses our gaming sessions and all the nice things we had together. I reply I also miss him and that it is difficult without him...He then writes that he had seen me back on Tinder and another local dating site that he also used to have. And so I tell him that I can also see him on Tinder, for whatever damn reason since the app should only show the people in your area...

 

 

He said he had returned to Tinder in a moment of instability, and that he had already deleted the account because he is not ready for anything new with a new person. He then wrote the message that completely sent me K.O. "but maybe we can talk later on unless you have met someone else :P" Then starts MY chase. I write to him everyday, putting my pride aside and almost begging him to talk to me. I managed to talk to him on the phone once, and tells me he is extremely stressed and that a lot of bad things are happening in his life at the moment, that he is unable to think under so much stress and cannot take a decision. I ask him if he wants to give me another chance, and he says he cannot decide because he can't think clearly.

 

 

And so, for almost a week, I send him messages every day, asking him if he is OK. He tells me he needs to start preparing for this course at work for a chance for a promotion, but that he knows nothing of the subject and that there can be "consequences" at work if he doesn't pass. His grandfather passes away the following day, a day where he is offline for 8 hours straight -which had never happened before-, and he switches off his mobile phone. When he finally replies to me, he tells me it had been a sad and bad day, and that he does not feel like talking. But every day he would tell me the same: "I am too tired", "I am too stressed", etc. Eventually, he starts visualizing my desperate messages on FB and stops replying all together. I literally need to beg him to reply for him to answer maybe one or two hours later with short and cold messages, where he keeps saying he is too stressed to think or reply.

 

 

I ask him if I irritate him by writing to me, and he says "no". I ask him if he has no feelings left for me at all, and he says "I do, but right now I am a total stress." I then tell him it cannot be that complicated, and that he has three simple alternatives:

1. You still have feelings and want to try again = let's try again

2. You still have feelings but are afraid I will press you again like before, especially during such a stressful period in your life = I can wait until you have solved at least part of your problems, and then we can try again.

3. You have no feelings left or are too afraid that we are incompatible = tell me and I will never bother you again.

 

 

Needless to say, he visualizes but does not answer. Easier to talk to a wall, really. Yesterday, he apologized and said he never meant to avoid talking, but that he is tired and stressed and has a mess in his head. So I sent him the last, desperate message. I told him he obviously does not want to talk to me, and that he probably needs time to think on his own. So I will be here if he ever wants to talk, but I will stop bothering him. Obviously, he sees the message but does not reply. I have resisted the temptation to write to him today, and of course I didn't hear from him even if he is online almost 24/7.

 

 

 

I talked to my mom and she got super frustrated and angry at me. Called me a masochist for chasing someone who has obviously only been using me for a purpose, most likely money. She told me he is avoiding giving me an answer so that he can still know I am his, and that so he can return anytime to ask for more whenever he needs money or a "favor". She is just 100% sure he is playing a game where he only needs something from me, but that he never really loved me and never will, and that I will learn at my own expanses...

Whoever I showed his pictures and videos to, told me he looks extremely kind and like a genuine guy. And I honestly cannot think of a "purpose" he might have, since I am not wealthy or anything. And I always told him I could help him buy some food, but that he couldn't expect me to pay for the mortgage or his bills when we didn't even live together...

 

 

I really do not know what to think. I do not know what he wants, and why he acts like that. I read that sending tons of messages every day only makes you look desperate and needy, and consequently unattractive to any man. So I am really trying, but my borderline disorder does not help me much there... I know I have been manipulative and demanding after a few weeks together (after all, we have only been together for one month or something), so I definitely asked too much of him and in a very aggressive way.

 

But I AM desperate.. his behavior is driving me crazy, and my mom saying those things doesn't really help clear the fog in my head...

Any suggestions?

 

P.S. I can still see him on Tinder

 

Thank you for reading through all this mess!

Edited January 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Garcon1986]

Welcome to LS from wherever you are! Your situation reads like young love, you both are making mistakes since you both are getting so involved even one month into the situation. What I recommend is this -

 

1. have both of you take a breather, to get some emotional center.

2. He needs to have his own job and be completely stable on his own two feet; having a husband who can't afford to take care of his own cat is unacceptable, how will he take care of a whole family?

3. Spend time getting to know both of your love languages, and know how he feels validated - and learn how you feel validated.

4. Always fight fair! You are right to recognize that you have been manipulative. This is one of the fastest ways to drive men away from you.

5. Having the ghost of an ex is OK; everybody does. Just be certain that you both want exclusivity. Thinking and constantly comparing each other to exes is NOT OK.

6. You are already sending money to a man you know for one month? That's a little premature. You need to know how solid of a man he is.

7. You are not really in love with each other after one month, you are in LUST with each other. You have to take the proper steps to know if he a quality boyfriend.

8. Read two books - Mars and Venus on a date, and 1001 questions to ask before you get married. You should be able to begin to answer some of the questions in that second book before you get too involved. You want to know how he got divorced - and what personality traits are still there, that may come haunt you too.

 

Problem solve with us, we are a great community that will help you sort out issues.