Lorenza Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 It's the end of January, time for my annual "pointless dates" marathon to commence. Date after date, it's always the same. Same conversations, I'm even making the same jokes. Always 0 interest and 0 chemistry from my side. Most guys usually get back to me and I have a schablon rejection message I send back, a very polite and diplomatic one. And I do really want a relationship, but there's just nobody out there for me. It's just a grey mass of dates, I've started matching with the people I've already been on a coffee date with, which is a bit awkward, because I keep forgetting some that I've already seen. We match and they're like "oh, so what made you match me again..?" Gulp. I guess all has been said before, since it's not the first thread I'm creating about this exact topic. Just venting. If someone feels the same, let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 Do you meet up quickly or do you atleast try to converse on the phone first? I mean I would get burned out too if my first conversation was on the date itself. If I don't enjoy the phone conversation I'm not going on the date and I found I had better dates personally. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 I actually don't feel this way. I think since I've changed the kind of people I look for and what qualities I seek and which guys I swipe right, I've been getting better matches that I do feel chemistry with. Basically I started to look for intellectual compatibility more than anything else and I've been getting much better first dates than in the past. I can't say it moves further though... usually lasts from 1-3 months. But I can't really complain about not feeling chemistry with the ones I do get to meet - I'd say at least 2 in each 3 first dates. I also prefer to have less dates than in the past, so I've became more picky. How do you choose the people you go on a date with? Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 l'd just like to know why you even bother in the first place if you have zero anything for him.???? That's what l call chasing your tail.l could've gone out with 50 chicks like that back when but why, wth for ? Just chill out, live, enjoy life, until someone comes along that you at least feel fired up and tingly about , or heaven forbid , maybe even something special. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 l'd just like to know why you even bother in the first place if you have zero anything for him.???? That's what l call chasing your tail.l could've gone out with 50 chicks like that back when but why, wth for ? Just chill out, live, enjoy life, until someone comes along that you at least feel fired up and tingly about , or heaven forbid , maybe even something special. Well I don't know if there's gonna be 0 or a 100. that's what dates are for? Although it's usually 0 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 I actually don't feel this way. I think since I've changed the kind of people I look for and what qualities I seek and which guys I swipe right, I've been getting better matches that I do feel chemistry with. Basically I started to look for intellectual compatibility more than anything else and I've been getting much better first dates than in the past. I can't say it moves further though... usually lasts from 1-3 months. But I can't really complain about not feeling chemistry with the ones I do get to meet - I'd say at least 2 in each 3 first dates. I also prefer to have less dates than in the past, so I've became more picky. How do you choose the people you go on a date with? The people I meet are intellectuals and usually "good on paper", looking for something serious as well. Never choose by looks. Maybe that's my mistake Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 The people I meet are intellectuals and usually "good on paper", looking for something serious as well. Never choose by looks. Maybe that's my mistake I tried to do this. I tried to choose based on how well they treat alone and not factor in looks but i couldn't do it lol. Looks and Chemistry is not the most important thing when we are talking about long term compatibility or a successfully partnership for life but it sure makes weathering life a bit more fun when you atleast want to kiss the guy lol. So how about choosing guys that's not hideous to you and seems like a good guy. He doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous. But at the very least you can stand to kiss him without the help of alcohol. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 (edited) I also go for intellectuals -- but over that, what I meant is I also try to gather their sense of humor and wittiness on their profile and first messages. Some people are good on paper but just not really interesting. I do choose people who I sense I might be at least minimally attracted to though. My best friend and I have a code for that - "is he kissable"? as in - would I want to kiss this guy? The people I meet are intellectuals and usually "good on paper", looking for something serious as well. Never choose by looks. Maybe that's my mistake Edited January 31, 2019 by edgygirl Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 (edited) Don't worry and he'll be asking himself the same. l had one question to myself in that regard and l'm not talking about mouths but if a no then l moved on The rest yeah , l needed a very specific personality and thinking but even on date sites still very easy to spot in things said and face, which ruled out in seconds 99%, you might be amazed at what woman say on a date site but anyone left may've just well been my thing and that's all l was interested in. Anyway , good luck ladies. Edited January 31, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Always 0 interest and 0 chemistry from my side. And I do really want a relationship, but there's just nobody out there for me. It's just a grey mass of dates, I've started matching with the people I've already been on a coffee date with, which is a bit awkward... First date fatigue is what I call it. I'm in the same position as far as not finding most women attractive enough, or not intellectually stimulating enough. I have a few other criteria, but those are the main ones. I've been single two years almost to the day, and I've met a lot of women in person, and conversed online with a lot more. I think we develop some sort of resistance, or become less open to possibility after awhile. I find myself thinking, "okay, what's wrong with this one," and it's not hard to find some reason to nix them, as opposed to feeling attraction and wanting to go out again. Very few spark curiosity and positive feelings. I did find two that I was attracted to. In both cases we went to 2-3 dates, had a great time, kissed and expressed appreciation for each other... and then I get the standard rejection text, you're a wonderful guy but... probably similar to your cut and past rejection message. I try not to let it affect me, but I think it hardens my attitude and makes me less willing to take a chance on someone else. I let my match.com account expire in October because I decided to take a break. I added a paragraph to the profile saying that I was taking a break, but didn't hide or delete the profile. I"ve gotten a lot of likes and messages in that time but of course I haven't been able to see who they're from. If I do pay the fee I'll have a whole new basket of potentials. The original plan was to go back on after the first of the years, January. But I've actually been enjoying the break, so haven't had the motivation to start playing the game all over again. One thing I'm really tired of is how the women expect a man to initiate, pursue, pay for dates, drive to their location, be all into them, and then do the follow up... while they feign demure and and act like they're doing you the favor. Pffft. I do choose people who I sense I might be at least minimally attracted to though. My best friend and I have a code for that - "is he kissable"? as in - would I want to kiss this guy? I think exactly the same way––do I have the urge to kiss her. If not, there is no point. If yes, I do kiss her unless she's acting distant when I walk her to the car. It really should not be this hard. There have been two that I wanted to continue seeing, and both of them were into kissing and making out some on the first or second date... and then I get the "you're a nice guy but..." notice. It gets to the point of me feeling like, "why should I make the effort?" Pretty frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 First date fatigue is what I call it. I'm in the same position as far as not finding most women attractive enough, or not intellectually stimulating enough. I have a few other criteria, but those are the main ones. I've been single two years almost to the day, and I've met a lot of women in person, and conversed online with a lot more. I think we develop some sort of resistance, or become less open to possibility after awhile. I find myself thinking, "okay, what's wrong with this one," and it's not hard to find some reason to nix them, as opposed to feeling attraction and wanting to go out again. Very few spark curiosity and positive feelings. I did find two that I was attracted to. In both cases we went to 2-3 dates, had a great time, kissed and expressed appreciation for each other... and then I get the standard rejection text, you're a wonderful guy but... probably similar to your cut and past rejection message. I try not to let it affect me, but I think it hardens my attitude and makes me less willing to take a chance on someone else. I let my match.com account expire in October because I decided to take a break. I added a paragraph to the profile saying that I was taking a break, but didn't hide or delete the profile. I"ve gotten a lot of likes and messages in that time but of course I haven't been able to see who they're from. If I do pay the fee I'll have a whole new basket of potentials. The original plan was to go back on after the first of the years, January. But I've actually been enjoying the break, so haven't had the motivation to start playing the game all over again. One thing I'm really tired of is how the women expect a man to initiate, pursue, pay for dates, drive to their location, be all into them, and then do the follow up... while they feign demure and and act like they're doing you the favor. Pffft. I think exactly the same way––do I have the urge to kiss her. If not, there is no point. If yes, I do kiss her unless she's acting distant when I walk her to the car. It really should not be this hard. There have been two that I wanted to continue seeing, and both of them were into kissing and making out some on the first or second date... and then I get the "you're a nice guy but..." notice. It gets to the point of me feeling like, "why should I make the effort?" Pretty frustrating. Yeah, definitely sounds like I have first date fatigue.. About the kissing thing... I thought about it, and don't think it's all about looks and physical attraction for me. I could be on a date with someone insanely attractive and not want to kiss him. He can be intellectually stimulating, a gentleman, funny and I will still feel nothing if I there's no emotional connection. I have felt attraction to very unlikely men, just because we shared something personal, talked about the things we went through in life etc. I need to build it up in my mind, to care at least a little bit. But nobody wants to spend time on that, I usually get asked on a date after a couple of initial messages, most guys stating they're not into chatting and prefer to meet instead. It feels like meeting a stranger I don't care about, to chat about work, whatever countries he's from or I'm from, the political and economical situation and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
Osho Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 When you focus on a problem it makes it more difficult to solve. When you take your attention to other places the solution usually finds you. Make of list that doesn’t involve anything to do with dating or your future anyone. And start doing that list. Doing the things you love is key because as you’re out and about doing those things you have a better chance crossing paths with someone likeminded. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I feel EXACTLY the same. I originally planned to take a few months break but I am enjoying the break so much that I will make it permanent. I also feel nothing but tedious boredom on first dates. These are pre-selected men that seem smart and look at least a little cute. But there ends up being zero spark and no emotional connection. I think I would like it if a man shared something personal and emotional pretty early on. I can't stand the standard first date small talk, it feels like a broken record. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 I feel EXACTLY the same. I originally planned to take a few months break but I am enjoying the break so much that I will make it permanent. I also feel nothing but tedious boredom on first dates. These are pre-selected men that seem smart and look at least a little cute. But there ends up being zero spark and no emotional connection. I think I would like it if a man shared something personal and emotional pretty early on. I can't stand the standard first date small talk, it feels like a broken record. Uff, thank you! Good to know I'm not the only one. Small talk is the worst. I was on a date on Tuesday and we were talking about interest rates, food prices, the military etc. I asked him to tell something completely random about himself, something completely out the blue and he just told me about the house he's biding on and hoping to buy........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 When you focus on a problem it makes it more difficult to solve. When you take your attention to other places the solution usually finds you. Make of list that doesn’t involve anything to do with dating or your future anyone. And start doing that list. Doing the things you love is key because as you’re out and about doing those things you have a better chance crossing paths with someone likeminded. I'm already doing the things I love, don't think that will get me closer to finding someone since the things I love doing are solitary Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I've started matching with the people I've already been on a coffee date with... Do you feel there are a finite number of men in your area that match your parameters?? Unless a new one comes on the market or you meet someone in real life (that doesn't do OLD), you are going to have to accept one of these men to try to date or you are going to be alone, long term. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 (edited) My way of avoiding date bs ,actually l wouldn't even date anyway moreso just meet someone. l don't really hear much date stuff here people hold off for someone rather than just date, it's hard to explain here. But l'm even moreso that way and after a divorce myself,no interest in bs or sitting round with strangers and nothing to say. So when l was on the date site if we liked each other and still good after a message or two l'd jump on the phone, even same night. l'm not saying rush it , a few we messaged a bit and fair enough. But the phone is huge, huge. You could end up on there hours and talking about absolutely anything with the right person. But if that's a struggle or just nothing there, no buzz or comfort, click, just forget it. So the few l did end up meeting we already knew we clicked really well and were very comfortable. l live with one of them now and l knew the second l heard her voice and we wound up talking hours right there. She cracked me up l think we messaged like one message and she said, just effg call me l'm so sick of this bs l said hell yeah me too. Try the phone first if your comfortable and interested enough, it cuts out so much bs, Edited January 31, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 Do you feel there are a finite number of men in your area that match your parameters?? Unless a new one comes on the market or you meet someone in real life (that doesn't do OLD), you are going to have to accept one of these men to try to date or you are going to be alone, long term. No, not at all, I live in a capital Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 You sound very cold you know , ice, hard, that sure wouldn't be helping the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 You sound very cold you know , ice, hard, that sure wouldn't be helping the situation. You don't know me, chilli. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 I disagree. She sounds like a rational person. Some men get intimidated by that, but it doesn't mean there isn't a niche of men for her. Do you know your Myers Briggs personality type, Lorenza? You sound very cold you know , ice, hard, that sure wouldn't be helping the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 No, not at all, I live in a capital So I guess you just need to keep plugging away and trying to find someone that you are compatible with. It seems you'll have to "Churn" through more "zero chemistry/interest" dates until you find "Mr. Right". I truly believe there is a lid for every pot. Link to post Share on other sites
lovely81 Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 It sounds like you might want something dates don't provide. Maybe take a break and do other activities...think I said this before. If you want to go out and have fulfilling conversation for instance, maybe find a group that talks about things you like. I've had luck with this with classes. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 (edited) I disagree. She sounds like a rational person. Some men get intimidated by that, but it doesn't mean there isn't a niche of men for her. Do you know your Myers Briggs personality type, Lorenza? lt's just an impression but anyway, glad to hear you don't feel you are Lorenz, that's good l'm glad . But she's right about one thing , you do sound very practical and that's a really smart thing too and yeah there is someone for everyone , big believer in that. Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Civility & Respect Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 Whatchya fishin for? Sea bass. There's no sea bass in this lake. You sure? Yeah, pretty sure. Might need different tackle too. Link to post Share on other sites
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