StacyRose Posted September 17, 2005 Share Posted September 17, 2005 Hi, My mother is very needy. EXTREMEMLY needy. When I used to live with her, she would cry daily "nobody loves me" and it drove me and my sister to the point of moving out at the age of 15. Now, 10 years later, she still calls us and cries all the time and her neediness has led her to a life of being in distructive relationships, being in severed debt, and losing her job. I will be moving soon, possibly even overseas. But, I have a feeling she wants me to "take care" of her and assure her that I will be there no matter what. But, she did NOT help me out with my University, she has always been financially irresponsible, and I feel I do not "owe" her anything. I do love her, but I feel parents have an obligation to their children, but not the other way around. Any money/time that I will have in the future I want to devote to my new family, not the old family. Is this selfish on my part? Should I be helping her out and should I promise to send her money in the future or help her through her problems? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 17, 2005 Share Posted September 17, 2005 Hi, Stacy! Glad to see you again. I was wondering what happened to you. I don't think you should promise your mother financial help. She should struggle for herself and not rely on you. You and your sister could when you were only 15 so she can too. I believe this is a very personal thing and nobody can tell you what to do. If your mom is starving, of course you should help her. You might want to help her now get back on her feet, help her find a job, advise her, etc. How much you will send her only depends on you. I personally would help my parents because I love them and know that they love me. Not to mention that my mother has helped me a lot financially and around the children. So what happened to your LDR? Are you geting married? Are you going to move in with him overseas? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted September 18, 2005 Share Posted September 18, 2005 She sounds like a woman with big troubles. The kindest thing you can do for her is get her to a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
rhee Posted September 18, 2005 Share Posted September 18, 2005 I don't think it's selfish of you to expect your mother to be able to take care of herself--she's an adult. You deserve a life of your own, and it seems like your mother wants you and your sister to be responsible for cleaning up her messes. You can't fix all her problems for her, that's not fair to either one of you. It sounds like she never learned how to take care of herself. It would be very generous of you to help her when you can, but it's not an obligation. If you do help your mom, you can set your own terms--like giving her a shoulder to cry on instead of money, or only sending her money if she's desperate, or making weekly/monthly telephone calls just to show your support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StacyRose Posted September 18, 2005 Author Share Posted September 18, 2005 thanks guys for your responses. I'm happy to know I'm not being too selfish here. I'm so jealous of normal families where the parents actually help out their children financially and don't burden their children with their problems. I'm finding that parents aren't always responsible. My mother smokes, gambles, doesn't really read or try to advance herself intellectually. I'm not proud of her at all. I wish I had parents I was proud of .. my dad is even worse Anyway, I guess I'll help her out here and there but it's true she needs to pay for her own weaknesses. She is such a nice person with so much potential.. but I guess she is just too weak to make it in this world without some sort of dependance on other people. She is so immature! Any mature person knows they need to be independent.. no matter what. RecordProducer, long time no talk! Things are going ok with him, I just got back recently from visiting.. to answer your question .. NO but maybe in the near future I am graduating in a few months I will send you a msg later!! Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted September 18, 2005 Share Posted September 18, 2005 I am coming froma biased point of view as my mother is expected ot pass away any day now, but you are not "obligated" by any means--but if you are "able" with any means I suggest you do it. It could be financially, helping around the house, taking her to a therapist, or simply being there and keeping in touch and letting her know that yes indeed someone does love her. Parents are not perfect. Children are not either. And our time together is definately limited--so take advantage of the good while you can and seek out the good. My father is an embarassment to me as well. For some reason he is never happy unless one of his kids is not talking to him. Or so it seems to me. I honestly cannot remember a point in the last 25 years where he has actually had a good relationship with my sister and I together at the same time. He likes to take sides and play games and is obsessed about his ex wife--my mother, and what kind of money she may or may not have. Mind you he has been married 4 more times since her and they have been divorced since 1967! But I am off track here, and I think that as your time and resources allow, you need to do all you can to help your mother or any family member when they are in need. If you cannot afford the time, maybe some money is easier, if money is tight, maybe be sure to call every week. It will make them feel good as well as you. I used to call my mom every Sunday night (before her Alzheimers got out of control) and I still visited her in Florida every month without fail. It made me feel good, and in some sense I know it made her feel good. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 18, 2005 Share Posted September 18, 2005 From the way you describe your mother I wonder if she has ever seen a doctor or been treated for chronic or manic depression / bi-polar disorder? Growing up I always thought my mom was just mean or moody because of her own situation with her mother and my father -- who had MS and was totally paralyzed. My older siblings left home when they were 14 and 16 (I'm the baby). It wasn't until I was an adult and married that my own mother was finally and properly diagnosed and began receiving treatment--which included medical and drug treatment as well as psychotherapy. I always felt obligated to her -- being the youngest I couldn't just leave her alone when I was old enough to help. When I got married she moved in with her own sister in another state for a number of years and when her health declined she moved in with us. Obligated? No, I don't think its 100% obligation to care for ones' parents, but I do think that it is the right thing to do in most cases. The level and type of care and support one gives is what needs to be determined. Has your mother seen a doctor? Could it be a form of depression? Maybe she can be helped in other ways than just dumping problems on others to solve. I can almost guarantee that a family member is NOT the right person to help her if she is suffering from a mental / emotional condition. She would require professional help that she cannot guilt into submission or stress into complacency. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
blue16 Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 I can't really relate to you guys in this context, but whatever you choose I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 StaceyRose: I, too, think your mom needs to see a doctor or psychiatrist. You are not obligated to help her, but if it makes you feel better to help, then do so. You mentioned that she smokes, gambles, etc. If you help her, don't help her with money. Help with your time or buy her food. She won't be able to spend your money and you will rest better knowing that she has something to eat. Edited to add: I think your mom needs to learn to be responsible, but if she's ill, she may not be able to. OTOH, if you feel that she is just irresponsible, you can deal with her to clean up her act and then you MIGHT help her. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 My mother smokes Excuse me, I am just being curious about this... how does itmake her a bad mothe rif she smokes? I know it ruins our health, but I (and more than half Europe) smoke and it doesn't make us bad mothers. You are sayingthis as if she does drugs or dinks heavily every day. I amnot saying this because I think smoking is good so please don't convince me what it does to her (my) health, but I don't see it a s arelevant thing to whether you should help her or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StacyRose Posted September 20, 2005 Author Share Posted September 20, 2005 933KJL, unlike you, I wouldn't feel good if I helped out my mother. I would feel as if she was a burden. Only because she was an irresponsible parent so why should I be a responsible child? But, she's not starving or anything, she's ok for now. But, in say 5 years I'll be in a MUCH better position than she is in, and I'm wondering if the contrast is acceptable or if I would be obligated to help her because I would have so much and she would still be struggling. I guess I'll have no choice but to do something. Thanks for your answers. Record Producer, I didn't mean that smoking was such a bad thing. But, she smokes around a pack a day, and she CANNOT afford it, and she's much older than you are so it's much more serious at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
tablesalt Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 One quick word of the wise you reap what you sow:D :D Link to post Share on other sites
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