ShopGirl84 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 A good friend and I, who have known each other for a few years- we met from a mutual friend who lived in his home state. I met him for the very first time face to face 3 years ago when I went down to see my fiance at the time and we chatted every day. Never once felt attracted to him. He was there for my breakup, and offered support. Due to his career, he had to move to the east coast for a while and leave his wife behind. During that time he's come down twice and both times he came to see me, and we both hung out, and slept together. I don't have THOSE feelings for him to where Im hoping he leaves his wife. I met his wife, very off putting, not happy, doesnt give him love and affection. Shes very manly as well, wears mens clothing, etc.. My question is, and this for men.. because I don't know if a woman will understand. How come he doesnt feel bad if he loves her and he is trying desperately to get her to show him affection? He doesn't! He says we can keep sexting, flirting, etc.. until she moves down to him! I am not anymore because I just don't want to. I am still hurting from my divorce and he was there and helped me the whole time. But why do I feel bad and not him? Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Welcome to LS! The simple truth here is that some men are wired to seek out other women, or he may be just psychologically not that attracted to his wife. He is going somewhere else to release his sexual tension - which is you. He doesn't mind where he gets it because he's deep down frustrated with his wife at some level. It's hard for women to understand, but it maybe just as simple as that. It's the same reason why you would never be able to convince a straight man to enjoy shopping for shoes. It's a totally different mindset and approach to the world. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 The same reason why women don't feel bad for cheating. It's simply because they don't care. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 My question is, and this for men.. because I don't know if a woman will understand. How come he doesnt feel bad if he loves her and he is trying desperately to get her to show him affection? He doesn't! He says we can keep sexting, flirting, etc.. until she moves down to him! I am not anymore because I just don't want to. I am still hurting from my divorce and he was there and helped me the whole time. But why do I feel bad and not him? Are you asking if a man can claim to love his wife yet sleep with someone else? Happens all the time, just like a woman can claim to respect marriage but sleep with someone else's husband. As humans, we have an endless capacity to rationalize... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Why would he feel bad with a woman like that ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 You act like he wishes his wife did, you are a surrogate to the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Shopgirl84, I think a better question to ask yourself is why would you let a man use you like this? You're being a stopgap until his wife comes down and then you'll be dropped like a hot potato. In that time you'll have caught feelings for him, and end up like a lot of posters on the OW forum claiming you've ben taken advantage of etc. when nothing is further from the truth. You can't judge his wife by one meeting, and in any case, if she is such a cold fish as he says, why is he still there? It's the oldest line in the book. Ask if if she is so mean to him why is she even coming down, why aren't they splitting up? You need to get out of this now, heal from your divorce and set the bar a bit higher. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShopGirl84 Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) Shopgirl84, I think a better question to ask yourself is why would you let a man use you like this?<snip> I told him yesterday that I am done. I want to go back to our sarcastic-witty friendship. I wasn't taken advantage of. I did it, I chose to go to the hotel with him, it was a mutual decision. I don't expect him to leave his wife. In fact, I told him last night that he and I need to STOP flirting and talking about what we did, and move on from it. ------------------ Just don't understand why he doesn't feel bad. Not even a little/. Edited January 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Just don't understand why he doesn't feel bad. Not even a little/. Why is it important to you that he does? I want to go back to our sarcastic-witty friendship. Isn't there a conflict or at least a contradiction here? You think he should feel badly for cheating on his wife, which implies you feel what he's done is wrong. But as the AP, you want to stay friends with him, which implies a continued threat to his marriage - with your voluntary participation? Can't have it both ways, which side of this issue are you on ? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Because cheaters are self-centered. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Ever consider he groomed you? Divorced, vulnerable women are ripe for the picking... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShopGirl84 Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 Why is it important to you that he does? Isn't there a conflict or at least a contradiction here? You think he should feel badly for cheating on his wife, which implies you feel what he's done is wrong. But as the AP, you want to stay friends with him, which implies a continued threat to his marriage - with your voluntary participation? Can't have it both ways, which side of this issue are you on ? Mr. Lucky It is important because I want to believe he at least has a heart. I do feel like he is wrong, as am I.. I am wrong for having an emotional affair- and sleeping with a married man. And I do want to remain friends. We were friends way before this and I miss that friendship. Now all he seems to want to do is either complain about her, then talk about how shes getting "better" then flirt with me. I don't flirt anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShopGirl84 Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 Ever consider he groomed you? Divorced, vulnerable women are ripe for the picking... I really hope not. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 And I do want to remain friends. We were friends way before this and I miss that friendship. Now all he seems to want to do is either complain about her, then talk about how shes getting "better" then flirt with me. I don't flirt anymore. Had you caught your ex-husband in an affair, would you be OK with his remaining friends with his affair partner? Where preventable, I don't like to be the cause of other people's pain. Just by discussing the intimate details of their relationship with him, you're helping him betray his marriage. Bad karma... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Because cheaters are self-centered. And have a huge ego that needs to be constantly fed! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 It is important because I want to believe he at least has a heart. I do feel like he is wrong, as am I.. I am wrong for having an emotional affair- and sleeping with a married man. And I do want to remain friends. We were friends way before this and I miss that friendship. Now all he seems to want to do is either complain about her, then talk about how shes getting "better" then flirt with me. I don't flirt anymore. That should tell you his mind and heart are with her. He wants her to improve so he doesn't have to cheat with you. Link to post Share on other sites
OneWayLove Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 (edited) Shopgirl84, I think a better question to ask yourself is why would you let a man use you like this? You should not be treated like that and do not allow any man to use you the way he does. I think love is no like that.. Do not settle for less. Edited February 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed quote Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Because he lacks a conscience. That makes for a crappy husband... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 And I do want to remain friends. We were friends way before this and I miss that friendship. Now all he seems to want to do is either complain about her, then talk about how shes getting "better" then flirt with me. I don't flirt anymore. You were his friend. He was probably just waiting "his turn" to try to sleep with you. It's very rare, in my personal life, that I know of men who have real "female friends". They have girls they haven't slept with (yet), girls they works with (and those groups often overlap) and women who are related to them. But a "real friend" of the opposite sex is very rare for a lot of men, especially if there's sexual interest. There's a great video on this, "Why men and women can't be friends" that's pretty eye opening. Quick version, when asked if a man would sleep with his female "friend" almost all said yes. Almost none of the women did. It's just totally different for men and women (in general, there are always exceptions) when it comes to this. He is going somewhere else to release his sexual tension - which is you. He doesn't mind where he gets it because he's deep down frustrated with his wife at some level. It's hard for women to understand, but it maybe just as simple as that. It's the same reason why you would never be able to convince a straight man to enjoy shopping for shoes. Great analogy, but I'd change one thing. He might not be frustrated at his wife at all. He might love her with all his heart. Might sleep with her 3X a day. But still, he'll pursue an A if he's that kind of guy. There are a lot of men who would take a bullet for their wives but will not keep it in their pants for them. New/more sex is an extraordinarily potent motivator for some (IMHO, most) men and it stands alone. He's not necessarily upset with his W, in love with you, looking to change things or unhappy with his station in life. In fact, I know very few cheaters who have any of those problems. They just want more sex and an A, while absolutely terrible at almost everything, love, caring, relationship building, etc; excels at one thing.. More sex. So, it's pretty obvious that's the motivation for a lot of people, at least if they are thinking clearly about "why" they are doing what they are doing. You're being a stopgap until his wife comes down and then you'll be dropped like a hot potato. In that time you'll have caught feelings for him, and end up like a lot of posters on the OW forum claiming you've ben taken advantage of etc. when nothing is further from the truth. In closing, this. Just read the stories, they'll tell you the outcome here. Or look at the statistics, depending on who you believe, 1-50 to 1-100 A's go on to become a lasting marriage. Imagine a revolver with 50 chambers and 49 loaded. You going to play Russian roulette with that gun? You have almost no chance at winning this game if a lasting relationship with the OM is your goal. Now, if sex is your goal, you have great odds, you'll almost certainly get that from the A. But that's also almost never the goal (NSA sex) for a female AP. So, if that's not what you want, run, because you're going to lose this game. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShopGirl84 Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 (edited) You were his friend. He was probably just waiting "his turn" to try to sleep with you. It's very rare, in my personal life, that I know of men who have real "female friends".<SNIP> Thank you for your response. I don't want to be with him. I want him to live happily with his wife. I regret what I did, I feel stupid/bad, and I can't believe I even did it. I always bragged about how I was only having sex with someone I was in love with and how Inever had sex with a friend or anyone I wasn;t with for a long time, and my husband and I split- and I go and do a very stupid thing- twice! I feel so guilty. I was just so upset that he doesnt feel guilty! Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 And I do want to remain friends. We were friends way before this and I miss that friendship. Now all he seems to want to do is either complain about her, then talk about how shes getting "better" then flirt with me. I don't flirt anymore. There are only 2 reasons why married men cheat: to have someone to complain about their wife to and to have someone other than their wife to have sex with. So get used to the complaining if you insist on continuing this friendship. The complaining will never stop. If you want it to stop, you have to stop being friends with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Thank you for your response. I don't want to be with him. I want him to live happily with his wife. I regret what I did, I feel stupid/bad, and I can't believe I even did it. I always bragged about how I was only having sex with someone I was in love with and how Inever had sex with a friend or anyone I wasn;t with for a long time, and my husband and I split- and I go and do a very stupid thing- twice! I feel so guilty. I was just so upset that he doesnt feel guilty! In all honesty you don't know what he feels. He may feel guilty but still only thinks with what's between his legs. Don't worry about him he'll be fine. Just make sure you don't make the same mistake twice. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I really hope not. I hate to tell you, but the minute a guy smells the scent of a newly divorced woman, they're all over it. Hell, years ago when I was getting a divorce, several of the men at work who had always been my buddies suddenly offered to be 'more' than just my buddy. You know, because I was about to become 'lonely' and they were concerned that my needs would no longer be met. As if. This guy took advantage of your situation, loud and clear. Lots of them do. And he's still trying to get his jollies off you via texting (and no doubt sexting if you'd be willing.) He's such a creep. You DO know you're far from being his first rodeo, don't you? This guy is very practiced at the art of deceit and being sleazy, so I hope you know you weren't his 'first' other woman. Nor will you be his last. He's nothing more than your run of the mill, garden variety serial cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TooBad Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 The only reason I can see for him not feeling bad about it is because he is used to it. It's part of his way of life. Once upon a time I was married. My wife tells me on two occassions 6 months apart that she 'doesn't want me anymore'. The next day or maybe 2 days later she changes her mind and we make some changes, but nonetheless, that 2nd time still happened. I was much younger then and all I thought about was 'when will the next time be?'. Someone else came onto my path about a month later, and within 2 weeks I told my wife about it. The only reason it took 2 weeks was because my wife worked evenings and I worked days, and I didn't want to put this on her after a long shift at work. But I did tell her at what I thought was the earliest convenience. We divorced amicably and that was that. I don't think this is man-specific. But if this guy doesn't feel bad, I guess it's just 'how he rolls'. And that you want as a friend ? Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 There are only 2 reasons why married men cheat: to have someone to complain about their wife to and to have someone other than their wife to have sex with. So get used to the complaining if you insist on continuing this friendship. The complaining will never stop. If you want it to stop, you have to stop being friends with him. You forgot the third reason, revenge cheating. Rare but it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
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