Separated from husband and hurting

[brngme2life76]

I am looking for some support on this issue as I am sure most of us are. I have just recently separated from my husband August 25, 2005. He left me. I am currently without work and have been looking since he left, I am also going to get my GED starting next week so I can take some online classes for college after I complete my GED. I am in so much pain it overwhelms me at times. I know we had alot of problems in our marriage but not enough that we could not discuss it and work through it. He told me we have talked about it in the past many times and I think we did too but the fact is that neither of us acted on those promises we made to each other. It pains me now to know that if I could have gotten off my high horse and did something then we could have saved our marriage. I am doing things now and plan to keep doing them even if we get back together. I need to do them for me and my kids but I want him to acknowledge my efforts in the process. He said he does not want to talk about divorce and he is living in the right now stage not the future. I have alil hope when he says that to me as I was the one asking if he would want to get a divorce and he did not want to discuss that. I am just so tired all the time and I cant sleep, I am sick to my stomach and cant eat. I have lost 11lbs. in 1 week and I know that aint healthy for me. I am at a loss because he dont want to talk about anything to anyone to help him. I want to be here for him and I cant, there is an invisable wall between us and he has the controls to remove it. I am at a loss and if anyone can help me through this I am greatly appreciative and would like to help you as well. Thanks for letting me vent.

[cherrysoduh]

Bring:

I am going through a very similar situation that you are. H and I have talked numerous times about changing things in our marriage but we never did. We have been seperated for 3 weeks and it is driving me crazy b/c he is playing the "typical man" and acts like everything is just fine with him. While I am at home losing my marbles. I would recommend that you ask him to try counseling and see if maybe a mediator would work and help you guys reach your relationship goals. I have asked my H to go to counseling but right now he is refusing so I cut him off, I'm not going to hound him anymore.

 

You said "I want to be here for him and I cant, there is an invisable wall between us and he has the controls to remove it." I can totally say I am going through that too, right now my H is holding our marriage in his hand. He is either going to make or break it, and I am scared to death that he will choose not to come home.

 

I know I didn't give any advice, but maybe to know that someone is going through something similar to what you are may help.

[brngme2life76]

Yea you are going through the same thing I am definatley. Our issues are not about another woman and we have never cheated on one another our marriage falling apart are due to no communication between each other and me not working when I should have to help support our family he was busting his ass and working all day in the heat and would come home to a house of fighting kids and me yelling at them and I would not make dinner right away and I would not go to bed with him when he went and all that comes to play. Sex was almost non exsistent mostly because I did not want to have it. Dont get me wrong we did have alot of good times but the bad out weighed them. The typical man syndrome, I hate that! he always tells me I am fine and I am alive, UGH that bugs me! He does have our marriage in his hands and I am also afriad if he decides to make it or break it. I have asked him once to come home and he said no and there is nothing I am going to do to change his mind "RIGHT NOW", thsoe are his words for everything. He is getting a house for him and my son who is 13 because I cannot take care of him on my own. He is living at his moms and hates it there so that is why he is getting a place, that really hurts to know that I am losing my house and have nowhere to go and he is able to rent one on his own. he told me he still cares and does miss me, but has never had anyone who cared for him the way he does for everyone else and thats true, really it is. I never really looked at how hard he worked for us and I never appreciated it like I should have. He has his flaws and needs to change them too but they are not big to me right now. He was always at home after work and never went out on weekends unless with me and that was rarely. WE just never had time to ourselves, the kids (son and custody of cousin) were here all the time and we never had money to do anything. I am glad you posted to my post and it did help to know that I am not alone on these issues. Thanks.

[cherrysoduh]

I totally understand I think my H felt unappreciated, well actually he told me so. He works days I work evenings, so he takes care of our 8 month old daughter at night while I am at work. When I get home at about 1030 pm we are both exhausted and barely make time for each other. My husband is a mechanic who busts his a$$ outside in the heat all day, and I never was really sympathetic as to why he was so tired.

 

Its like we have a emotional barrier and it takes something bad to happen for us to try and break that barrier. I think stuff in my head all the time and just automaticlly assume he should know what I am thinking. I have decided to do a NC thing with him on my own and let him contact me b/c I have been bugging him everyday since he left. It has only been alittle over 24 hours, and it is driving me looney. I have to keep my self busy in order to not stop by and try and talk to him or call him.

 

I have offered to go on day shift but he doesn't really want to hear it now. which sucks b/c I have to give an answer to my sup. on tuesday. And I am refusing to call him until he calls me. I threw him the ball now he has to throw it back to me when or if he is ever ready to. It helps me to write down what I what to say to him or what I am thinking instead of calling him. B/C when I do call him all he says is that I say the same thing everytime.

 

We have a daughter together, so it will be impossible to maintain NC forever, but I am going to let him decide when he wants to see her. And he will have to calll me when he decides. I know he is expecting me to call at least by Monday but I have to show him, make him worry alittle. Then maybe he will try the counseling.

 

The only thing is I am worried he will forget about me. I know that sounds silly, b/c it has only been 3 weeks. But it bothers me.

[brngme2life76]

WOW! You and I are in the same exact boat g/f. He left me 3 weeks ago as well and I am trying so hard not to call him either. I have not called him today and was waiting for him to call me. I have not talked to him since last night and am going nuts. I did call him a lil bit ago so I can ask him what time is he going to pick up our son tomorrow but he is in another city that is half an hour away and he wont pick up the phone. My son told me he called him and told him he was going to go and will be back tonight, he was going to see some friends of ours, which are good people. I always have this thought in the back of my head, "well what if he is with someone else and is not thinking of me at all?", that is a stupid thought cause I know him too well and we are not like that with each other but still it is there. I hate that! I am in limbo here and wanting to know where our marriage is going and he has the ball in his hand and still refuses to talk about divorce. So what now? Do I wait here and be miserable all the time till it goes away or do I do something about it myself and tell him I am going to file if he dont have the answer? Limbo sux. The same thing about when something bad happens thats when we try to fix it, I should have done it months ago when I was noticing some changes in us both. My H says the same thing when I call him I try to talk about how I am doing good for me and he says we already talked about this, nothing is changed in his mind yet. How do you feel when you are alone? Are you sick to your stomach and cant sleep? Or do you have different feelings compared to mine? I am shaky and my nerves are shot, like I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown soon with all the emotion I have. I am glad I found a person liek you to talk too. Please feel free to email me at [email protected] . I would like to talk to you more. I also have yahoo messenger it is [email protected] . I jope you start to feel better soon.

[cherrysoduh]

Hey I added you onto my buddylist thingy on yahoo my name is [email protected] my email is [email protected]. I tried to IM you but you are offline right now.

 

To answer your question I feel the same way you do. When the phone rings by heart sinks hoping that it is him. I can barely eat anything at all. I wake up missing him in the morning and I feel like a complete idiot for letting it go this far. I am totally stressed out with all the what ifs. My H is talking about getting his own place he was suppose to come get the extra bed upstairs this weekend he hasn't came yet so maybe he has changed his mind:confused: But there is always tomorrow. I told him if he gets his own place that is a big step in the wrong direction b/c that means a lease and all that crap. Well mail me or Im me later. Take Care and be strong

[brngme2life76]

Well I always thought I was the only one feeling this way. I am not glad you feel that way but at least it aint just me. That is a good way of thinking when it comes to the lease thing. I never thought of it that way. He just gives me so many mixed signals and I dont know why if he feels that way about me now why is there other factors that he says to me? He tells me when we have xxx which has been a week since we last did that he does miss me in ways and misses touching me and we are making love not just having xxx. Am I the dummy by letting him come over and doing this intimate thing with me? My wedding anniversary was last Friday Sept. 9th, I had invited him to come to dinner and he said no that is the wrong impression to give me right now and I said ok, he ended up calling me later that night and saying he was on his way over and I did not know what to say so I let him come. He sat here for awhile and was quiet with me and then I told him, "you know you did not have to show up for my sake I was ok with you not coming", he then said he knows and wanted to. So what the F***?! I hate being here in this situation and I am starting to break down everyday. I dont want to breakdown for the kids sake and my own, but I feel like I have no control over that. OK OK I am done bitching now I had to let it out again. be strong and I have added you to my buddy list also, I am online all the time unless it says I am away from my desk or home.