CantGetEnuff Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 This is going to be my accountability thread. I really need someplace to go where I can physically type out that I will behave today, and then report back the next day and confirm that I did. Rinse and repeat. I'm a guy in my mid 40's who has been addicted to women for a long time. It was always easy to meet women when I was younger. It came naturally and I enjoyed it. When I got married, I thought things would be different. I tried, but not hard enough apparently. After years of affairs, I managed to stop those. I was terrified of ruining my marriage and my kids' lives. She never found out. But one addiction just led to another. For the past few years, it's been all about apps, adult chat rooms, all sorts of online connections with women. I wonder if all men struggle with this. I talk to my buds, but I have to be careful what I say, as all of our wives are friends. I've hinted to my buds and they hint back, and I'm thinking that they have stepped out too, but it's like we have this unspoken agreement to never just flat out and say it. Plausible deniability and all. Anyway, please don't bash me if you read this. I really feel I need this space, at least for a few weeks/months, to let me focus and take one day at a time. I was already bad earlier today, so today doesn't count as a "good day," but hopefully tomorrow will. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) Sir, I'm not trying to be dismissive of your efforts. At least you are trying. My question to you is why? Why is this important now? You have already put your wife's mental and physical health at risk over and over. Why do you care now? Are you sure you are cut out for a life of monogamy? Not everyone is. Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) I figured something has to change and I haven't never tried this sort of thing before. What can it hurt? And to your last question, maybe I'm not, in fact I don't think most people are when it comes down to it, but I've made my bed and need to deal with this as best I can, at least until the kids are adults. Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 No, all men dont struggle with this so dont give yourself that out. I dont believe you truly understand the damage this will do to your wife. This information will render her entire life with you as a lie. You will instantly become a stranger to her. With that said, have you looked into the chance you may have a sex addiction? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) Wow I really didn't expect to get responses at all, much less this quick. I'm not trying to give myself an out. I admit I've misbehaved. I just think lots of other guys deal with this too. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. And yes I definitely have a sex addiction, at least as I self-diagnose myself. The problem is that I don't know how to get counseling without my wife finding out. It seems impossible to not leave a trail with something like that. Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 I’m wonder what you get from your current non-physical online stuff. Is it attention? Having someone want you? Or more about the actual content of your texting/sexting? Is it someone new to context with, or do you not care about connecting? And you can absolutely see a therapist without telling your wife why. There are all sorts of things you can make up — anxiety about work, maybe. But IMO, the focus of one’s therapy is no one else’s business. My ex-h was in therapy for 23 years while we were still together. I knew what brought him there originally, but I would never ask what he was talking about. My son is in therapy now and I don’t see that as my business, either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Words mean nothing if the actions doesn’t match the words. Have you read the four agreements? By Don Migue Ruiz... Imagine your wife’s expression IF she knew all of your history... what would that look like? If you can’t/won’t DO better - then leave your wife...that way she can be married to someone she can truly trust to honor her. Seek professional help...you need to be accountable to a professional who can get you past your ego. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Dude, I'm in my late 40's on my second marriage, also addicted to women, I love alcohol and drugs, I'm addicted to working out and always seeking an adrenaline rush. That being said I no longer act on my addictions because in between marriages I grew the EFF up. I suggest you do the same and stop behaving like its something beyond your control, you're a grown ass man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 This is something that I would want to ask a therapist, but until I figure out a way to make that happen, here's my big question (to men) "When you see an attractive woman, do you immediately think about having sex with her?" Because I do. And I probably always have. It's automatic. It's not something I choose to think about, the thoughts just jump into my brain. But is this normal? And maybe other men just control themselves better? OR is this not normal? And I'm some sort of deviant because I should be able to look at a hot woman and not think about sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 No, most men don't struggle with it. You need to stop self-diagnosing and making excuses so you can get help. All your wife needs to know is that you're trying out therapy to deal with some personal issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Not all men treat women with such disrespect. And most certainly don’t act on it even if they think it. Find out why you view women as sex objects...why you view them as a personal toy for your pleasure. You do realize don’t you, that you are mainly attracting weak women who don’t respect themselves, right? Where in your childhood did you learn to treat women with such disrespect? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) Are you a guy? I ask because I checked your profile and it doesn't say. I also ask because I specifically asked for men's opinions on my question as I'm seriously trying to figure out if I'm a huge outlier or if most other dudes have similar thoughts but just police themselves better? See the thing is I don't TRY to disrespect women. Like I said, it's just automatic in my brain. If I see a hot woman, bang, I want to sleep with her. It's how my brain works. I then have to "talk myself down" out of the situation. That's when I start getting rational again. But it's a constant struggle. I'm not sure if you were joking or not about my childhood, but it was pretty normal, had a fair number of girlfriends in high school and college. I admit I always had a "grass is greener" view, and that I'd get bored of someone pretty quickly. Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 I figured something has to change and I haven't never tried this sort of thing before. What can it hurt? And to your last question, maybe I'm not, in fact I don't think most people are when it comes down to it, but I've made my bed and need to deal with this as best I can, at least until the kids are adults. Please, please PLEASE don't do the " I;m waiting until my kids are gone and then so am I" nonsense. That's incredibly cruel. While your spouse is planning to grow old with you, you're planning to leave. If this is true, at least have the decency to tell her. Give her the same chance you have given yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) "When you see an attractive woman, do you immediately think about having sex with her?" Look, most women know men do this. It's 100 percent normal to look at an attractive woman and think" wow...she's hot!". What's not so normal is to act on that every time it pops into your head. Think of it this way. Say you're at work and an attractive woman goes by. Do you immediately run after her? I sure hope not:laugh:. If you can control yourself then, you can control yourself any time. I'm not saying don't look and appreciate. Just be more self aware. Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 You didn't misbehave. And you haven't hit bottom yet. You are seeking out an anonymous forum on the internet to "hold yourself accountable" How many times have you tried to "hold yourself accountable" before? Or said "i won't do that again" You have a problem. You are a serial cheater and womanizer. And, my bet is that if you peel back the layers of this onion, the ONLY motivation at all you have for stopping is that if your wife finds out? Her first stop on the way to the attorney's office is the bank to drain the accounts. Because don't kid yourself that you are SO good at being a serial cheater that she doesn't suspect it. Us ladies aren't that dumb. (And your friends? And their wives? They probably dance around the subject and don't touch on it because they know. And odds are? They don't condone of the behavior but also don't want to be the one to blow up a family or a social circle) If you REALLY want to fix this? Tell your wife. Man up, admit your fault, throw yourself at her mercy and get to a professional therapist. Anything short of that is like an alcoholic saying they can just drink socially or a gambler saying they are just buying lottery tickets. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 "When you see an attractive woman, do you immediately think about having sex with her?" I'd guess the lizard part of my brain has those thoughts, just as it wonders what it would be like to steal every expensive Italian sports car I see or rob every bank I walk by. However, much like loversquarrel, I stopped letting my libido control me long ago. CantGetEnuff, I'll tell you up front, I don't believe in the vast majority of cases of claimed sex addiction. I do believe in narcissism, selfishness, lack of empathy, low self-esteem and toxic neediness. You need honesty so your wife knows what she's dealing with and IC, in that order... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Are you a guy? I ask because I checked your profile and it doesn't say. I also ask because I specifically asked for men's opinions on my question as I'm seriously trying to figure out if I'm a huge outlier or if most other dudes have similar thoughts but just police themselves better? See the thing is I don't TRY to disrespect women. Like I said, it's just automatic in my brain. If I see a hot woman, bang, I want to sleep with her. It's how my brain works. I then have to "talk myself down" out of the situation. That's when I start getting rational again. But it's a constant struggle. I'm not sure if you were joking or not about my childhood, but it was pretty normal, had a fair number of girlfriends in high school and college. I admit I always had a "grass is greener" view, and that I'd get bored of someone pretty quickly. Seek professional help. You have evidence that what you’ve been trying to do hasn’t helped. Seriously? Would it matter if I’m a guy or a gal? Your disrespect for women runs deep. Find out where that came from. You learned it as “acceptable” at some point. Time to unlearn what you’ve learned. I’d bet money your emotional bond with your wife is zilch. Think for a minute how your wife must feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 Wow I am still surprised by all the responses. I have to focus on work the rest of the afternoon but I will check in tomorrow morning and hopefully start a streak of good days. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 https://www.sa.org/meetings/ find a chapter in your area. this might be a good start for you while you look for a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) Please, please PLEASE don't do the " I;m waiting until my kids are gone and then so am I" nonsense. That's incredibly cruel. While your spouse is planning to grow old with you, you're planning to leave. And, you’ve made the life she has lived, the life she thought she built with you, a total lie. That’s the most unkind thing you could do to another person. As to your earlier question, a man may meet an attractive woman and wonder what it wouldn’t be to have sex with that woman. The difference is - most men have the self control not to act on that thought. There is a big difference between having the thought go through your mind, and making the decision to betray your life partner. Edited January 30, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 My IC is a man and he always discusses this dynamic in men that most men think this way. The difference is that mature and healthy men don't act out on these thoughts and desires. I dont believe you truly understand the damage this will do to your wife. This information will render her entire life with you as a lie. You will instantly become a stranger to her. I agree with the above. It's unfortunate that you have kept this secret from your wife. I'm sure she can feel the emptiness I know I did. But what the info did do for me was give me all the missing pieces that I had been feeling all those years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I always wonder if the grass is greener and it’s cost me a few relatiships, I’ve cheated and I’ve also got caught but I don’t have kids so it’s different oh and I’m not married. I mean it wrong either way I don’t think you should tell your wife just seek help and maybe you can take therapy and tell your wife it’s for work stress I have a questions? Are you attracted to your wife ? Is she a good wife ? Do you feel like she values you ? To answer your questions I look at girls but no I don’t think about pounding them Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I don’t think you should tell your wife just seek help and maybe you can take therapy and tell your wife it’s for work stress Purepony, wouldn't you want to know? If you were in a LTR and your GF had cheated multiple times both online and IRL, wouldn't you think you deserve the truth? Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 All these years go by... have you ever worked on having some form of self control? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 (edited) "Good" Day #0: Okay, here I go. My plan today is: 1) Keep my phone tucked away in a desk drawer. 2) Focus on work with laser intensity. 3) Check in here whenever I get an urge to check out the apps/chat sites/etc. I would actually be better off leaving my phone in my car, but my wife texts me a lot, so I can't do that. To answer a few of the things people mentioned yesterday, 1) Yes, I care about my wife. She's pretty awesome; that's why I married her. I guess I have always been able to separate out love and desire. 2) I can't rock the boat right now with SA meetings or counseling. We have a pretty set schedule these days and honestly things have been good at home. I would have to start weaving in lies over the course of weeks and maybe months, making up stuff about work stress, to get the the point where I would say I need to go to counseling. I am tired of making up stories. 3) I just want to focus on moving forward. If I can drop the bad habits, there's nothing to stop us from having a good life. I just want to take it a day at a time first and build new patterns into my daily routine. added: And I feel a bit better after reading the posts from other guys confirming that they also have immediate sexual thoughts when they see hot women. At least that part of me isn't an outlier. I just need to focus on my behavior and impulse control. Edited January 31, 2019 by CantGetEnuff Link to post Share on other sites
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