I'm addicted to women and need to hold myself accountable.

[Wallysbears]

Where is your concern for your wife and family in all of this?

 

Does she not deserve to know that her entire life with you is a lie? That you've been lying to and cheating on her effectively your entire marriage? Do you think it is fair to her to be kept in the dark and lied to still?

[Ronni_W]

But one addiction just led to another. For the past few years, it's been all about apps, adult chat rooms, all sorts of online connections with women.

CantGetEnuff,

 

If you treat it as an addiction, then you will get proper professional help for it...if and when you are ready.

 

Certainly, using the good people at this forum for support can be a small aid, but it is far less than what you truly need to overcome a full-on addiction,

and perhaps addictive personality/psychology, as well.

 

Even if right now it doesn't feel like 'sex addiction', support groups and counselors specializing in that area will probably have the most experience and expertise of the type that is likely to

offer you the highest potential for breaking-through and overcoming.

 

Wishing you the best.

[CantGetEnuff]

I'm not going to blow up our marriage.

 

And I have taken the critical comments as well as I can, and I guess they are to be expected, but I just ask that people PLEASE try to offer SOME supportive comments if you can.

 

I am trying to be accountable. No one forced me to come here. This thread is the tool I'm trying to use to break bad habits and start better ones. If anyone is inclined to offer me encouragement with this endeavor, I would greatly appreciate that.

[Mrs._December]

Where is your concern for your wife and family in all of this?

 

Does she not deserve to know that her entire life with you is a lie? That you've been lying to and cheating on her effectively your entire marriage? Do you think it is fair to her to be kept in the dark and lied to still?

But....but...being honest with her doesn't benefit him. And sadly, this is the All About HIM Show.

 

I am trying to be accountable.

No you're not. You're still lying to your wife's face every single day, and you're self-diagnosing when you have NO CLUE if you're a 'sex addict' or not, and you absolutely refuse to seek the professional help you need because covering your hide is much more important to you than being honest and bringing about positive change.

 

So no, you're NOT being accountable at all. Anonymously posting on a message board isn't being accountable to anyone.

[pepperbird]

op,

If you choose to view your behvaior as an addiction, then use the model of being addicted to alcohol as a comparison.

 

Someone who is an alcoholic may be able to just up and quit, but without support and understanding why they chose to drink in the first place, there is every chance they will relapse.7

 

 

Ask yourself the following questions, and please read them through before answering.

 

 

(a) Why when I see/meet an attractive woman, it ramps up from 1 to 100 so much of the time? Like I said before, there is such a difference between admiring and appreciating a woman for her appearance or "hotness", but it's another to act on it. I don't like my neighbor, as he is a total boor and such a jerk. I think about how satisfying it would feel to kick his rear, but I don't do it:laugh:. Why do you feel so compelled to act?

 

(b) Why are you willing to risk blowing your marriage up and hurting your wife by cheating on her? Why are you willing to put her mental/physical health at risk? You may be happy in your marriage, you may be unhappy or maybe you're just bored. Why does that have to equate to sleeping around? Do you not value her enough, simply as a human being, to not do that to her?

 

 

© Are you sure it's really the sex, or is it the risk, if you know what I mean. The excitement of knowing you could get caught and the risk of it all ( I personally would find that really upsetting, but some like it)

 

 

(d) Does this behavior ramp up if you are feeling rejected for some reason? Doe sit boost your sense of self esteem or power when you feel somewhat powerless in another area of your life?

 

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting to have sex with attractive women. That's 100 percent normal. What isn't normal is acting on it with the blase attitude you say you've had in the past. Where do you think that comes from?

 

As I said in another reply, it could just be that you aren't cut out for monogamy. Not everyone is. They simply adore "the chase" too much.

 

Before you go all out seeking a remedy for your situation, I would advise you to do some soul searching. Is staying married really what you want? If your answer is "100 percent yes" ( and not "yes...for now") then you either need to get a handle on this and accept that, if it is an addiction, it will be a demon you'll have to face for the rest of your married life. Either that, or bite the bullet, be honest with your wife and ask for an open marriage. You never know, she might agree. The thing about that though, is from what I understand, it can really only work when there is 100 percent honesty. Affairs, hidden one night stands or hook ups would be verboten.

 

Actually, think about that. Like I said, is part of the thrill for you that it's hidden?

(sorry this was so long)

[CantGetEnuff]

Ronni_W, thank you for your supportive words.

 

Yeah I know I need to get some counseling. The thought of setting down and telling someone (who won't judge me) everything strikes me as incredibly freeing. I can't figure out a way to do it now, but I need to make it a goal to figure out a way to get to counseling without making waves.

 

I have beaten myself up about this a lot. I keep giving myself pep talks that I am overall not a bad person. I'm a good provider, I have a ton of friends, people at work respect me, I think I'm a good father, I'm smart and well spoken, give to charities, etc. I just have this huge weakness for women. I'm trying to do better.

 

I don't want to sound overdramatic, but today I feel like I'm going through some kind of detox. My head is fuzzy. It's been about 24 hours since I've had any sort of inappropriate online interactions. I might need to keep checking in here.

[Crazelnut]

If others want to support your half-hearted efforts and self-delusions, they are welcome to it. I don't want any parts of this farce. You lied to your wife about your activities and whereabouts so you could have sex, but you won't find a way to get counseling. Your priorities are evident. Dealing with your issues is clearly not a priority.

[Wallysbears]

Have you even had your doctor run tests for STDs?

[elaine567]

Plenty online counselling services.

Some counsellors do telephone or email sessions too.

[S2B]

Ronni_W, thank you for your supportive words.

 

Yeah I know I need to get some counseling. The thought of setting down and telling someone (who won't judge me) everything strikes me as incredibly freeing. I can't figure out a way to do it now, but I need to make it a goal to figure out a way to get to counseling without making waves.

 

I have beaten myself up about this a lot. I keep giving myself pep talks that I am overall not a bad person. I'm a good provider, I have a ton of friends, people at work respect me, I think I'm a good father, I'm smart and well spoken, give to charities, etc. I just have this huge weakness for women. I'm trying to do better.

 

I don't want to sound overdramatic, but today I feel like I'm going through some kind of detox. My head is fuzzy. It's been about 24 hours since I've had any sort of inappropriate online interactions. I might need to keep checking in here.

 

This is just you being delusional and lying to yourself.

 

Get honest with yourself! Heck, you’ve gotten so good at lying that you even do it to yourself.

 

You can’t change if you don’t get honest.

 

And stop doing the poor me pity party - that’s never gonna help you. The one to pity is your wife who’s lived in a marriage that’s been a farce.

 

If you want us to help - coddling you won’t change a thing.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yeah I know I need to get some counseling. The thought of setting down and telling someone (who won't judge me) everything strikes me as incredibly freeing. I can't figure out a way to do it now, but I need to make it a goal to figure out a way to get to counseling without making waves.

 

 

If you have flexibility during your work day, I don't see why you couldn't do this on a lunch break, etc.

[anika99]

You go back and forth between calling your problem an addiction and a bad habit but those are two different things in my opinion. A bad habit is usually a minor problem that can be overcome with some dedication and will power. Things like sleeping in or snacking on unhealthy foods or watching too much TV might be called bad habits.

 

Addictions are much more serious and require professional help. I've never heard of an addict being able to overcome their addiction in secrecy just by posting to a public forum. As a matter of fact addictions thrive in secrecy. Almost addicts try to put up this facade of normalcy. They try to protect their image while their addiction slowly takes over their lives. Usually the first step in any recovery program requires honesty with your loved ones. If you are truly an addict then it's highly unlikely that you will get better without coming clean and admitting your addiction in real life.

 

How do you feel when you are not having inappropriate interactions with the opposite sex? Do you feel anxious? Unhappy? Sad? Do you lose sleep? Become irritable? What exactly are the feelings you experience that compel you to engage in this behaviour?

[Bittersweetie]

I was a MW who had an affair. After d-day, my H told me the biggest thing that hurt was not the sex, or the chatting...it was the lies. The dishonesty. The fact that he thought his life was one way but I had changed it and undermined it without him even knowing. Can you see how your wife may feel the same way?

 

I agree with PPs to get professional help. If you were physically sick, you'd make time to see a doctor, wouldn't you? You are mentally sick and need to address it. If it's truly important to you to make changes, then make it a priority. This site can be helpful but it can only do so much. Good luck.

[Ronni_W]

No problem...support is what this place is all about! .

 

Yeah I know I need to get some counseling. <snip> I can't figure out a way to do it now, but I need to make it a goal to figure out a way to get to counseling without making waves.

You're not going to get there, if you just keep making excuses for yourself. (Is there really such a thing as setting a goal to set a goal??? .)

 

You say that you're feeling stressed at work, or that you feel like you've got a mid-life crisis coming on that you want to avoid at all costs; you call it 'proactive, preventative head maintenance'.

 

Or, you don't really want to do anything serious about fixing the problem, but you're kinda hoping that doing this will help ease the burden that you're feeling.

Figure out what you really want, about it...and then do something actually constructive towards achieving what you want.

 

Yes, of course it will be challenging, and difficult, and frustrating. But at some point, you're either going to put on your big-boy pants and get to it,

or you're going to have to admit defeat, and promise yourself that you're going to do better in your next life. No other options, that I can see.

 

Beating yourself up about it isn't constructive or even noble. That you have high and noble intentions about getting counseling at some future point, doesn't count.

That you've got other wonderful qualities, talents and gifts, and are well thought of and admired by many, does not mitigate this problem in the slightest.

 

You CAN do what you say you want to do; but to be successful, you WILL need to put in the time and Energy and effort.

 

Again, wishing you the best.

[Mr. Lucky]

This site can be helpful but it can only do so much. Good luck.

 

Actually, this site serves a real purpose for the OP. It allows him to postpone dealing with his issues, delude himself into thinking he's doing something and, most of all, when he goes back online with women, he can tell himself "at least I tried"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CantGetEnuff]

Just checking for lunch. I've been productive today with no setbacks. Even though I can't respond to everything, I've "liked" some of the comments that I felt were helpful.

 

Some people asked if I liked the chase/thrill. I guess the honest answer is yes. But every time I would take a risk, even if it felt thrilling at the time, I'd end up getting nervous after the fact. I want to move forward without the chase/thrill, and I don't want to be anxious.

 

But at the same time, I've never considered myself to have strong "game" when it comes to meeting women. I've always relied on my confidence and looks, and by letting them do most of the talking. I guess I'm saying that I haven't always had to "chase" very hard. A lot of relationships just fell in my lap. I was too weak to say no.

 

I definitely WOULD do some counseling during lunches or online. I have some work flexibility. So the biggest obstacle would be paying for it without my wife noticing. That means I'll have to set aside some of my spending money for a few weeks and then either pay in case or get one of those prepaid cards or something. I'll start that process today.

[CantGetEnuff]

And to answer this question from anika99...

 

"How do you feel when you are not having inappropriate interactions with the opposite sex? Do you feel anxious? Unhappy? Sad? Do you lose sleep? Become irritable? What exactly are the feelings you experience that compel you to engage in this behaviour?"

 

I definitely get a "high" when I'm chatting up an attractive women in real life, and I guess that "high" also exists on the purely online stuff. I like knowing that I'm desirable. I guess I'm a very proud person.

 

When I try to stop, I definitely get irritable and antsy, because in the back of my mind I guess I think I'm stopping myself from having fun. Frankly, I feel a little irritable right now, but coming here is helping deal with it.

 

Please don't bash me for saying this. I'm just trying to honestly answer questions and reflect on the underlying reasons for what I do. I know that spilling my guts here is NOT the answer to all of my problems, but maybe it is a start.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

. A lot of relationships just fell in my lap. I was too weak to say no.

 

 

I doubt you're too weak to say no. It's more like you're too insecure and don't have enough self esteem to say no......because the attention feels too good and makes you feel better about yourself. You should work with a counselor to uncover why you need so much validation. I doubt this is as much about orgasms as it is about ego boosts.

[BMI03]

I don't want to be hard on you. I think you are starting to try in the best way you know how. That's a start, and something to build on. That's a good thing, and good for you.

 

However, I think you need to start being truthful to the one person who matters in whether this is something you can personally come through and heal with, and that's YOU. You need to be honest with yourself. From the comments you are making, you will fail at this. I don't mean that harshly, but as a observational warning, hopefully to help you recognize the difference between what you are attempting here, and what is really needed to heal yourself.

 

This is a good start, don't get me wrong. It shows me you want to heal. But, it is exploratory on your part at best. You don't really think you need to change yet, and you are not really ready to stomach the true path that healing will require. Right now you are testing the waters of healing, but only at the level at which you can do so without any real effort of consequence to yourself of any substantial size.

 

That said, don't be discouraged...that's a fair first step. But, be clear with yourself on what the other steps look like so that you know what you are really up against when you say you want to do this.

 

 

"Good" Day #0:

 

Okay, here I go. My plan today is:

 

1) Keep my phone tucked away in a desk drawer.

2) Focus on work with laser intensity.

3) Check in here whenever I get an urge to check out the apps/chat sites/etc.

 

I would actually be better off leaving my phone in my car, but my wife texts me a lot, so I can't do that.

 

To answer a few of the things people mentioned yesterday,

 

1) Yes, I care about my wife. She's pretty awesome; that's why I married her. I guess I have always been able to separate out love and desire.

 

These are words only. You care about yourself, and that is obvious to others. Here's why, as to the question of 'What benefit is there to telling my wife?". If you are thinking about the concept of telling your wife through your own selfish lens, then yes, telling your wife seems like a bad idea. To YOU it is a destructive decision. It will add chaos to your life; you will have to deal with your wife's devastation; you will have to deal with your children's disgust for you; etc. etc. But you may say "It's NOT just about me. I genuinely care about my wife, and I don't want to tell her because I know it will devastate HER; it will devastate my children.". Here's the problem with that. You are associating the act of their finding out as the act that will devastate them, simply because the sequence of events is (a) they find out, (b) they are devastated. This is a false way of thinking. The act that has devastated them is the act of betrayal. That's the (a). Finding out is just the (b) and devastation the ©. Hiroshima was no less devastated because a person on an island in the Caribbean didn't hear about it. The devastation is the action you already took. Telling her is just the communication of the event. Put it this way, and I have used this analogy before: If you found out from your family doctor that your wife had cancer, and it was your choice to tell her or not, would you? Would you decide that you didn't want to tell her because the news is so devastating to her? Or would you man up and deliver the heartbreaking news? The cancer is there already...it already happened...so, do you tell her so she can come to grips with it and start taking actions to protect herself and her own self interests? I can't answer that for you, but in most cases, you would tell her. Like news of a betrayal, it would devastate her, and you would feel her pain, but know you gave her the best odds of protecting herself vs. her not knowing. So why is it different with telling her you have betrayed your marriage? One thing: because it's YOU who caused it. With the cancer analogy, you can both be mad together at...well...life...fate...whatever you want to call it. And she will still look to you for support to help her through it. But with betrayal, YOU are the culprit. YOU are the cause and the thing she needs to protect herself from. So the only difference is that with betrayal, is that the motivation to not tell her is only that YOU want to protect YOU, not her. By not telling her, you are making a decision to benefit yourself at her expense. You are limiting her options, to give yourself more. YOU are controlling her decisions and direction through misinformation. YOU are CONTROLLING. So while you are lying to her, don't come here and lie to us that care about your wife and you love her. And don't lie to yourself either. Man up and be honest, at least with yourself...you don't love her, because if you did you wouldn't be trying to limit the consequence to YOURSELF, but instead would put yourself second to HER needs. But that's not what you are showing here. So if you don't love her, and are not the best man she can find, do her a favor and divorce her so that she can put the pieces back together and find the man she deserves.

 

2) I can't rock the boat right now with SA meetings or counseling. We have a pretty set schedule these days and honestly things have been good at home. I would have to start weaving in lies over the course of weeks and maybe months, making up stuff about work stress, to get the the point where I would say I need to go to counseling. I am tired of making up stories.

 

You are tired of making up stories? When stories got you laid it was ok, but lies to get you help...sorry, to tired of it? Please do some inner reflection as to why you would put so much effort into lying to cheat, but it feels so difficult to you to lie in order to do something that will benefit your wife

 

3) I just want to focus on moving forward. If I can drop the bad habits, there's nothing to stop us from having a good life. I just want to take it a day at a time first and build new patterns into my daily routine.

 

You are trying to avoid accountability. You want the past to be wiped clean without having to be accountable for it. You are a criminal who is saying "That sexual assault was from so long ago, I am a different man today. Let's just move forward.". But that's not how 'accountability' works I am afraid. That means you don't need to be held to task for the actions you took to hurt others. Not owning up to that means they will never be right by you, and you will never heal from what is broken inside of you, because you simply have never had to pay the price to motivate you to do otherwise.

 

added: And I feel a bit better after reading the posts from other guys confirming that they also have immediate sexual thoughts when they see hot women. At least that part of me isn't an outlier. I just need to focus on my behavior and impulse control.

 

That's fair. I think Mr. Lucky said it well...It's likely a common thought from other men to have a sexual thought about a beautiful woman, but similar to robbing a bank, stealing a spots car, etc. But the fantasy ends there for a multitude of reasons...respect for the individual, social norm / excepted behavior, accountability to those it would hurt, caring for people. You are a weak person to give in to this instinct where others have the strength to end these thoughts at a much earlier point in the process. You need to work on yourself.

 

 

 

I'm not going to blow up our marriage.

 

And I have taken the critical comments as well as I can, and I guess they are to be expected, but I just ask that people PLEASE try to offer SOME supportive comments if you can.

 

I know my comments may not be what you want to hear, but I hope you read them as truthful, and only meant to try and be clear with you what true accountability takes. And healing can only come from true accountability.

 

Someone likened it to the structure for an addiction which you called it. One of the critical steps in the recovery of an addiction is making amends. You can not accomplish that without admitting your betrayals to others.

 

I am trying to be accountable. No one forced me to come here. This thread is the tool I'm trying to use to break bad habits and start better ones. If anyone is inclined to offer me encouragement with this endeavor, I would greatly appreciate that.

 

Good luck.

[smi11ie]

You should tell your wife what you have done and deal with the aftermath, I don't see any shortcuts for you. Even if you reform and never cheat again, your wife will still be married to a liar. Also, I would just like to say that, if a woman posted this she would be condemned.

 

 

I just don't understand why people take such satisfaction from duping their spouse, it is not what I would describe as love.

 

 

Affairs and infidelity thrive on secrecy. If you don't fess up then your dodgy behavior will continue and when you are caught you will lie. You are just kidding yourself . Narcissism might not be curable but it can be regulated.

Edited January 31, 2019 by smi11ie

[Wallysbears]

What happens if one day your wife bumps into one of your mistresses at a grocery store, the salon, on the internet, at a girl's night?

 

Or when one of the mistresses/women you've hooked up with decides to find your wife and tell her about your actions?

 

Do you think you are immune to this?

 

Or what if you have an STD that you've unknowingly shared with your wife?

[CantGetEnuff]

BMI03, that's a lot to take in, and I read it all. Thank you for putting so much thought into my situation.

 

I am curious about the advice from so many people to tell all. That just makes it 100 percent certain that our family blows up. I mean, it's a given. She would never forgive me in a million years. So Choice A = Family Blows Up

 

Whereas, if I get myself situated and make good decisions going forward, Choice B could = Happy Family.

 

I realize I am making her decision for her, but maybe ignorance is better here. Think of it like this, let's say you love your mother but she had a huge secret that would make you remember her very differently (in a negative way). Let's say that she cheated on your father for years.

 

Would you REALLY want to know that about her, as opposed to being able to remember her for all of her good qualities? Would good would it do to expose all?

 

And when does the statute of limitations expire on bad behavior? Let's say that a couple has been married for 20 years. The wife cheated on the husband in the second year of their marriage. She has been faithful for 18 years and they have been happy. Would people STILL be telling her to confess the affair and come clean, even if it were likely to lead to a divorce?

 

Does the truth really trump everything else always? That's a legitimate question by the way.

 

I realize I am nowhere near the example above as far as time goes, but let's say I turn myself around and have a totally clean 2019. And 2020. What if I am a perfect husband for the next 5 years? Would people still want me to rip it all apart over things that have already happened and that I cannot change?

[CantGetEnuff]

BTW, I have not picked up my phone once today other than to text with my wife and a couple (male) friends. No inappropriate behavior whatsoever. I know that might not seem impressive, and I know the day isn't over, but I feel like if I can string some days like this together, I can make some progress.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

I am curious about the advice from so many people to tell all. That just makes it 100 percent certain that our family blows up. I mean, it's a given. She would never forgive me in a million years. So Choice A = Family Blows Up

 

Whereas, if I get myself situated and make good decisions going forward, Choice B could = Happy Family.

 

I realize I am making her decision for her, but maybe ignorance is better here. Think of it like this, let's say you love your mother but she had a huge secret that would make you remember her very differently (in a negative way). Let's say that she cheated on your father for years.

 

Would you REALLY want to know that about her, as opposed to being able to remember her for all of her good qualities? Would good would it do to expose all?

 

And when does the statute of limitations expire on bad behavior? Let's say that a couple has been married for 20 years. The wife cheated on the husband in the second year of their marriage. She has been faithful for 18 years and they have been happy. Would people STILL be telling her to confess the affair and come clean, even if it were likely to lead to a divorce?

 

Honestly, who does all these examples protect? It's not your wife, she's already been with a man who's slept with many other women. It's not your kids, they've already had a parent willing to put the family at risk.

 

The affair was in service of your needs, and the cover-up is in service of your needs. Until you decide to no longer be that guy - the lying, cheating one - none of the higher ground you seem so desperate to claim will mean anything.

 

Does the truth really trump everything else always?

 

Ask your wife...

 

Mr. Lucky

[littleblackheart]

What if I am a perfect husband for the next 5 years?

 

What if you're not? What if, despite all your good intentions, you have a 'bump in the road' a few weeks or months from now? Will you brush it off as a minor hiccup in the grand scheme of things and keep your wife in the dark?

 

You're not talking about a random one-off ONS borne of impulse here; you are talking about a lifetime of infidelities of various forms.

 

Family Blows Up has always been a distinct possibility as a consequence of your actions. It's disrespectful not to tell your spouse; she deserves to know, for millions of reasons, but mainly because it's the truth of her marriage and because it's the right thing to do.