BaileyB Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 (edited) I realize I am making her decision for her, but maybe ignorance is better here. Does the truth really trump everything else always? That's a legitimate question by the way. Ignorance is not better here. Your wife deserves to know the man she is married to. She deserves to know that the marriage she thinks she has is a farse. She deserves to know that you have put her health at risk - many times, for years. If my husband cheats on me, I want to know so that I can make an informed decision for my life and my children. I don’t want to live in blissful ignorance, “remembering the good times” as you put it. I’m sorry, I can appreciate the fact that you are trying to turn a new leaf here... but, if it’s really this bad that you are not able to get through a single day without looking at porn/chatting with other women/cheating on your wife then you have a BIG problem. The kind of help you need won’t be found on this website. Especially not when you continue to justify and excuse your behavior, rationalize the decision to deceive your wife, and continue with your self serving behavior... Edited January 31, 2019 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 If the shoe was on the other foot and the wife was cheating...wouldn’t you want to know that you’ve been lied to for years? That your health has been jeopardized for years? That your entire life is a fraud? Heck...maybe she’s cheating also and that’s why you get away with it. Because I doubt you are that good at hiding your repeated transgressions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 It's like breaking any other bad habit - drugs, gambling, binge eating, smoking. Focus on the pros/benefits of flying right, and the cons/costs of continuing to step out on your family. I'd imagine the biggest benefit of flying right is that you'll feel more whole as a person, you can look at yourself in the mirror every day with a clear conscience, you'll be upholding your vows to honor your wife, you'll be setting a good example for your children and friends. You've already had a ton of illicit "fun". You have nothing more to gain from it but additional dopamine hits. At the end of your life, you'll be able to look back and say you were stronger than your animal urges, rose above them to become a man of integrity. Better late than never. Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Considering how addicted u are, arent u sure ur wife doesnt already know? I think It'd be hard to hide something u di so often right? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 BTW, I have not picked up my phone once today other than to text with my wife and a couple (male) friends. No inappropriate behavior whatsoever. I know that might not seem impressive, and I know the day isn't over, but I feel like if I can string some days like this together, I can make some progress. If you were hearing this from a drug addict, would you still encourage them to get professional help to conquer their addiction? Or would you say, "Good job! You've got this!" Your brain is telling you you need this just like an addict's brain is telling them they need the drug/alcohol/food/gambling..... I think you're going to require professional help to retrain your brain away from buying into this lie (that you need extramarital attention). Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 I'd ask that people stop posting "Tell your wife" or any variations of that. I'm not doing that, so your time is being wasted. That is not helping anyone. If you want to actually help me make progress on a daily basis and get my head screwed on straight, please feel free to stick around and talk with me. I would appreciate that VERY much. Posts I would find helpful... 1) Examples of posters turning it around like I want to do 2) Any recommended tools/mental exercises to help hold myself accountable 3) Positive comments after I report a "good day" 4) Stories about posters' therapy/counseling that proved helpful in this type of situation I gave you advice in the form you requested. I've been there and done that and I'm maybe a few years older than you. I could very easily get a woman, get drunk or use drugs. I've turned it around because I decided to grow up, it's not respectable to live like that. What more do you want? A few things- 1) be a man and not a coward 2) grow some balls and give your wife the chance to forgive you 3) if you want a real adrenaline boost then telling your wife will surely give you one 4) own that you've got a problem and stop with the poor me vibe, it truly is pathetic and terribly emasculating. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 And to all of those who have bashed me, I have NO clue what you get out of this. Does it make you feel better about yourself to insult me? I would ask you to stop it. The real value of a forum like this lies in its ability to present contrary points of view, forcing you outside your comfort zone, an important part of problem solving. You don't need more "attaboys", I have the feeling you get plenty of those when you look in the mirror each morning. And if you see suggestions you take responsibility for your actions and treat your wife with respect and consideration as "insults", then you're simply defending the values behind your dysfunction. You'd do well to at least listen... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 A man produces a million sperms in one ejaculation, a woman produces one fertile egg per month...a million sperms swimming and competing for 1 egg, and just to fertilize it. Women produce eggs until they are in their mid 40s, but men continue to be fertile indefinitely, way beyond their 40s.. You are biologically designed to fertilize as many eggs,women as you can, and for as long as you can. Women are designed to select the fittest sperm, genes and for a limited time... 'This' existed for million of years - men invented marriage, dating, conventions in religion and society to tame hypergamy in women and polyandry in men.. There is no such thing as addicted to women, you are just a heterosexual man, enjoy my friend.. Link to post Share on other sites
smi11ie Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 What a convincing argument. Try telling your wife this when you confess and she will cheer your efforts to populate the globe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 A man produces a million sperms in one ejaculation, a woman produces one fertile egg per month...a million sperms swimming and competing for 1 egg, and just to fertilize it. Women produce eggs until they are in their mid 40s, but men continue to be fertile indefinitely, way beyond their 40s.. You are biologically designed to fertilize as many eggs,women as you can, and for as long as you can. Women are designed to select the fittest sperm, genes and for a limited time... 'This' existed for million of years - men invented marriage, dating, conventions in religion and society to tame hypergamy in women and polyandry in men.. There is no such thing as addicted to women, you are just a heterosexual man, enjoy my friend.. Millions of years ago the human race required all the help it could get to survive disease, hunger, and fighting off predators. With the advent of science, medical knowledge and civilization the need for such behavior is no longer required. If nothing else there should be a focus on population control to ensure the future of the human race. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 A man produces a million sperms in one ejaculation, a woman produces one fertile egg per month...a million sperms swimming and competing for 1 egg, and just to fertilize it. Women produce eggs until they are in their mid 40s, but men continue to be fertile indefinitely, way beyond their 40s.. You are biologically designed to fertilize as many eggs,women as you can, and for as long as you can. Women are designed to select the fittest sperm, genes and for a limited time... 'This' existed for million of years - men invented marriage, dating, conventions in religion and society to tame hypergamy in women and polyandry in men.. There is no such thing as addicted to women, you are just a heterosexual man, enjoy my friend.. um, yeah. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 op, You recognize you have a problem, and that's great. I haven't ever had issues with addiction ( unless you count smoked salmon:laugh:), so it's hard to relate, but I'm trying. I found this article, and while it may not all apply to you, you might still find it helpful. It's not judgemental and was written by a man who sounds lie he was in a place a lot like you are https://www.thefix.com/content/10-signs-youre-sex-addict There are also lot of counseling services for people who are concerned that they've developed a sex addiction that can "meet" with clients online. That might be helpful to you, and you can do it just about anywhere, even in your car over lunchtime. There is also Sex Addicts Anonymous . From what I can tell, it's a 12 step program built following the AA model. https://saa-recovery.org/ Maybe there have meetings where you live? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 Good Day #1 Good morning, all I need to jump into work this morning so this will be brief. Yes, I understand biology and evolution and yes I know that men are fighting against the way we are hard-wired. It's just a fact. It's not even debatable for anyone who understands science. BUT...I won't use that as an out because: 1) I signed up for marriage, no one forced me, and 2) other men are able to prevail over those urges, so it stands to reason that I can too. To make my goals clear, I want to retrain my brain to keep my sexual interactions limited to my wife and outlets that don't involve other people, either physical or digital. So stroking it to porn = okay. But chatting with women in a chat room, exchanging pics, sexting, etc. = not okay. The chatting would bother her a LOT more than the porn would. I am looking into counseling sessions, but I have no interest in any program that shares anything with AA. AA is a cult. They literally reprogram people to follow a higher power and give up their autonomy. I've looked at their materials (a friend of mine has drug issues) and it's ridiculous. He went from a logical person, albeit one with drug issues, to a "higher power" following buffoon (who still has drug issues). But I'm in a positive mood today. It's been almost 48 hours since any chat/app use. I miss one of the women I've chatted with, but that's to be expected. I'll check in later to keep myself accountable. A big thank you to everyone who has chimed in with positive support. Link to post Share on other sites
smi11ie Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 I think that I would like you in real life. That confuses me greatly because I have never cheated. I understand that people are attracted to you and that things DEVELOP. I must admit I am super curious to know how your wife would react if she knew about all your shenanigans. I really don't know how to advise you because our principles couldn't be more different. You will obviously protect your own interests, as any rational being would do. In all honesty I think some people should never marry. Your marriage is a joke. You have failed in your vows. I reckon you should just divorce and enjoy your life. I don't want to judge you but you shouldn't be restricting your wife in a lie. Just divorce and screw everyone then die when you reach the appropriate age. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 CantGetEnuff, Congrats on taking the positive step of looking into counseling. I agree with you that you need to find something that is suitable for you, otherwise it won't work. Something that one of my first therapists told me was, "Support isn't always what you want to hear, sometimes it is what you need to hear." It helped me to realize that all of the stuff that I was being told, but tried to reject, resist or ignore, or that I judged as too-harsh, or inappropriate or offensive - - all of what I didn't want to hear needed my most careful attention and self-introspection, because that's where the 'gold nuggets' for my healing lived. Put another way, if there wasn't anything there, then it wouldn't bother/trigger you to hear it. (If that makes sense?) Wishing you a happy and successful day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 Hi Can't, my comments below are my personal opinion only FWIW. Posts I would find helpful... 2) Any recommended tools/mental exercises to help hold myself accountable <and in a later post> To make my goals clear, I want to retrain my brain to keep my sexual interactions limited to my wife and outlets that don't involve other people, Like you, I'm the type that gets a lot of attention from women. Interestingly it's only increased as I've hit middle age. I get plenty of married women with children touching my forearm and shoulder during conversations, and then doing it again a few times until they eventually give up on me. I've never slept with, or even kissed any of them. I *have* enjoyed fun conversations, superficial flirting, and, frankly, the ego boost that this brings. I think you said it yourself - shouldn't your strategy for dealing with the sexual aspect be masturbation instead of sex? Online porn to replace the online chatting, and fantasizing to replace PAs/extramarital sex? Not a perfect solution, but in your case a major improvement given your goals, no? Aside from that, I agree with some of the PPs that your issue may ultimately be a self-esteem and/or identity one. This can be subtle, so you may not be fully aware of it. You may feel like your self esteem is "full up" so there's no problem. But consider - what are you doing (all the online chatting, etc) to keep it that way? There was a time when I started to really crave the social attention I would get from women. It became quite disturbing after a while - it was as if I had a hole in myself that I kept trying to fill with transitory, superficial social interactions. If you're interested I can share what I did to address that issue. Let me know... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 Excellent post, Mark. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 smi11ie, I might like you in real life too! Who knows? I enjoy interacting with people, and always will. Even at events where I don't know many people, I tend to end up chatting with all sorts of folks. Even making a new friend gives me a bit of a "high," I guess. It's enjoyable. And to your advice to, "just divorce and screw everyone then die when you reach the appropriate age," 30-year-old me should have done that, before kids entered the picture. But I'm not 30 and childless anymore; I really need to fix this. Ronni_W, Thanks for the positive thoughts! And yes I hope this is a good day as well. I think it will be. But I'm worried about keeping myself accountable this weekend when it's harder for me to log on here. And look, I don't even want to hear "get counseling," but I get that I need it. So I'm trying to come to grips that I need some tough love. But I'm not the type that would ever give up his brain to a bunch of cultists. What I really need is for a trained professional to listen to me vent and help me develop positive habits. Mark Clemson, we sound VERY much alike. Yes, I would love to hear how you addressed your issue, if you're willing to share. And yes, I know that possibly getting myself addicted to porn may not be the optimal strategy, but at least it doesn't involve "cheating" or communicating with other women, so yeah I'm thinking it's the way to go. Link to post Share on other sites
smi11ie Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 Be careful. You might be attractive now but it won't last forever. You can trade on your charm and good looks, but when it all fades, you will want someone to cherish you. Some people marry too young and they don't understand the deal. I think you have a lot to offer someone. Don't crush your wife, instead be her champion and enjoy her love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 op, you sound like my brother. He was married, slept around, got caught, divorced, married his ow, they both slept around, got caught, divorce and now he's single, and for a long time, he would chase after any women that, well, got his engine going. He realized how bad it had gotten, and started therapy. In the course of is sessions, he began to realize that the sex was actually secondary. It was the adrenaline filled chase, the ego boost from having the woman respond and then there was the added excitement of going behind his spouse(s) back. It made for a very addictive situation. That would all have been fine, but it didn't match up with what he wanted in life. Just as he wanted the above, he also craved being married and settled down. He really needs to feel accepted and loved by one individual, and in return, give her that love back. He finally realized that since it really wasn't the sex per se that was the root cause of his issues, and it was really more about the adrenaline and ego boost, then he could get those same feelings in a way that wasn't so destructive to himself and others. He's a super type A personality, and he really does need it, so he's gotten heavily into those Spartan competitions. Not my cup of tea, but he enjoys it. From what he says, it's really been helpful to him, and he's gotten himself really fit. Does that sound like it applies to you, or is it really just about the sex itself? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 smi11le, my wife kids me all the time that I will be the most charming f'ing senior citizen around in 25 years. Haha, let's just say I have mixed feelings about that. But yes, I'm going to give her tons of attention this weekend. I'll try my best to keep her in bed until noon. S2B, we can agree to disagree, but I am doubling down on their cult status. I've had some of them say things like, "It's not necessarily religious! Your higher power could be a chair!" And I'm like...yeah good luck with that. And I find your allegations insulting. Why are you assuming these women didn't also enjoy themselves with me or even pursue me? I'm not going to go into details or brag because that's not appropriate or helpful, but your whole attitude of "I'm disrespecting the women I slept with merely by sleeping with them" could be read as demeaning to those women. They were all adults. I didn't take advantage of anyone. Hell, most of them knew I was married and were very into it. So how is having "no strings attached" sex being disrespectful to these women? They went in with eyes wide open. (NOTE: I am obviously NOT including my wife in the above analysis; I realize I have been disrespectful to her). pepperbird, I'd say it's mostly about making connections with desirable women. I just really love interacting with women, especially smart ones. I say that it wasn't all about the sex, because even sexting (while obviously very different than a physical affair) gives me some of the same "highs." Yes, I'm sure part of it is that I like the affirmation that I'm a charming guy, but frankly I am very picky (I mostly pulled high 7's and 8's) and so when I interact with a woman, it's because I find her desirable as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 This may sound like a crazy question, but is there any chance you were adopted? I know how weird that sounds, but there is a school of thought that adult adoptees are more prone to this type of behvaior. From what I understand, it's sort of a way to heal the "primal wound" caused by being separated from one's mother and also a sense of rejection from your biological family. I suppose this could be caused by other reasons as well. I'm not sure if I agree with this theory or not, but I just wanted to put it out there. Sorry if it's way off. Good to hear you're looking into counseling. In the meantime, have you given any thought to writing down the times/ circumstances when your eye ( and the rest of you:D) starts to wander? Is there any common factor? I'm just asking because if you can find a commonality, it might be easier to prepare a plan for what you'll do. By already having a "go to" you will be one step ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
smi11ie Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 I feel that you want a fully committed loveliness. I hope you can do it, however, I would suggest that honesty plays a large part. Don't doubt your integrity, have faith that you can be a stable companion. I am sure many women would be happy with you, warts and all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 Going back to SB2's allegations, I wanted to add this... If the genders were flipped in my story, and I was a married female who had stepped out with other men, would you be accusing me of "disrespecting" those men, and if so, why? I'm just trying to figure out when having consensual sex with an enthusiastic partner who knows your marital situation is "disrespectful" to them. Wouldn't it be more disrespectful to them to be paternalistic and say, "Oh even though you say you want to sleep with me, you don't really know what you want" followed by a head pat? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 I feel that you want a fully committed loveliness. I hope you can do it, however, I would suggest that honesty plays a large part. Don't doubt your integrity, have faith that you can be a stable companion. I am sure many women would be happy with you, warts and all. It sounds like his wife is very happy with him. This isn't about his wife. It's about the OP. He'd do this no matter who he was with. At least he admits that, which is good. Behavior he recognizes is behavior he can change, even if it's really hard. Link to post Share on other sites
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