smi11ie Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 Just forget about the morality of your affair partners. You married your wife, they never promised her anything. You are not responsible for their lack of morals. You can only take care of your own business. You know, this is a good place to get advice. It boils down to how much love you feel for your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 Annnnnnd my burner phone has been blowing up with texts for the past 20 minutes. I haven't looked or even touched it but I know who it is. Gotta take a walk in a few minutes and find a garbage can outside the building. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 @Cautiously - thanks! Hi Can't, here's what worked for me, YMMV. All of the below is my personal opinion/FWIW only. I don't think any of this should replace IC for you, but it may help a bit/dovetail. I didn't try to change how I felt overnight - I realized it would be too difficult. I took (and would suggest) a "1% per day" approach. I.e., try to be 1% less dependent on attention, 1% less invested in what non-spouse women think of me, etc every day. Try to work on both what you think AND how you feel. Obviously there are no actual percentage measurements, but the point is to make a sustained, long term effort to change. You'll probably feel like you made a lot more progress on some days than others. I considered/reflected on the following things, which I believe to be true, daily - again for a sustained time. The point is to really understand/recognize these things so that they "sink in" and help change the way you think and feel. Note that these aren't observable facts - but more like personal truths/"realizations". You should probably adjust to your situation and how you think. 1) The "egoic" part of me that gets a boost from all these interactions with women is actually quite fragile. Although it makes me feel good, it is also "hurt" very easily when (female) attention is withdrawn. 2) In the final analysis, the only person who's opinion of me REALLY counts is me. 3) Why would I allow my self-esteem/sense of self/identity to be caught up in and vulnerable to people who don't really care about me? They are only paying attention to me due to circumstances and for fun. They can (and will) withdraw their attention at any time and for any reason. What sense does it make to allow transitory, superficial interactions to impact how I feel? 4) I'm setting myself up for failure if I let interactions with random women impact how I feel. They will always need to go about their lives, so I will ALWAYS have a need to go find more (if I allow this to continue). 5) I'm better off and MUCH more in control of my own life if I don't let myself be susceptible to being overly influenced by women I flirt with. 6) "Neediness", even if it's hidden, isn't very studly. It also isn't psychologically healthy. It also leaves me vulnerable to manipulation by others. I could probably add a few, but I think you get the idea. These are really a group of interrelated thoughts/realizations that are probably slightly different for each person. Hope this is helpful... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smi11ie Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 You have got the right idea. This site is about self respect and recognizing that you can control your behavior and reward the people you really love. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 And look, I don't even want to hear "get counseling," but I get that I need it. So I'm trying to come to grips that I need some tough love. But I'm not the type that would ever give up his brain to a bunch of cultists. What I really need is for a trained professional to listen to me vent and help me develop positive habits. In that case, when you're looking (not that you 'should' or 'should not', but since you've already said that you're looking into it, so,) when you're looking, you might want to check for a properly trained cognitive-behavioural therapist, even better if s/he specializes in addictions and/or impulse control issues. CBT will put you squarely in charge, using your own brain to take responsibility to make wiser/more constructive decisions and choices. Good luck over the weekend...hopefully it won't be too difficult, or at least not as difficult as you may be anticipating. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 Destroy the “burner phone” if you are actually serious about ceasing to be a serial cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 It doesn't appear to me that the OP is addicted to women. He's addicted to behaviors that feed his need for self-gratification. It's unlikely chasing extramarital sex is the only ways he accomplishes this. Using other women (including his wife and the omnipresent threat of detection) is a symptom not the problem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 Mark, I appreciate that very thoughtful post, and the more I think about it, the more it interests me. I've been accused of having a superiority complex (it's probably true), so I find the realization that I've let others so profoundly impact my feeling of self-worth to be abhorrent. So yeah I need to view this as me taking control of the steering wheel and going where I want to go, where I NEED to go. Forward. Always forward. Have a good weekend, everyone. I have a meeting (who sets late Friday afternoon meetings??) and then I'm going home. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 And many times it make make you angry and defensive - we get that - but more than anything you need to attempt to let go of feeling defensive and take suggestions that can help you to do better/think outside your comfort zone. In my experience things we get defensive about are usually the party of ourselves we are not happy with or ashamed about. Op, what kind of a man do you want to be? Is this behavior getting you there? I'll make another suggestion, and again, sorry if it's a bad one. My older daughter is highly intelligent, creative and has an ability to become super focused on a subject. This makes her excellent in the field of law and risk management, but it's not so great at other times. This is both a blessing and curse, as while it's great for her in her studies, she has a bad tendency to ruminate. She gets caught in thought loops, and this used to be really detrimental to her. Her psychologist recommended the following. He told her that when she gets stuck in one of these loops, she should take a step back. She gives herself an allotment of time to consider the issue, and when that time is up, she tries her best to end it, full stop, until the next allotted time. This serves two purposes. First, it puts her in the driver's seat. Second, it allows her to break the cycle, and she's often found that, when the next allotted time comes up, she's already moved on. She also started writing to take her mind off these ruminations, and it turned into a lucrative sideline for her. I'm not suggesting either of these are a "cure" for you, but maybe you can find a bit in them that's helpful to you. Can you write about your experiences daily on here, maybe treat it as a journal of sorts. Sometimes, writing about something can help you to process it all and see it from a new angle. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Are you a guy? I ask because I checked your profile and it doesn't say. I also ask because I specifically asked for men's opinions on my question as I'm seriously trying to figure out if I'm a huge outlier or if most other dudes have similar thoughts but just police themselves better? I think you specifically ask for men's opinions because you can't brag openly without blowing up your marriage and so, you come here pretending to need "help." This is very simple IMHO. You're self-absorbed and you crave attention as much as your lungs crave air. There's no higher form of attention and self-gratification than banging yet another woman, save but having an audience to your Wilt Chamberlain performance. You're now on page 7 of crowd sourcing this "problem" of being a predator. I'm just not buyin' it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 It doesn't appear to me that the OP is addicted to women. He's addicted to behaviors that feed his need for self-gratification. It's unlikely chasing extramarital sex is the only ways he accomplishes this. Using other women (including his wife and the omnipresent threat of detection) is a symptom not the problem. Hear, Hear! Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Have you considered finding SAA (sex addicts anonymous) meetings in your area? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 Good Day #2 I just need to stay busy. As luck would have it, the wife is sick, so my options for release are limited. Very frustrating. Thank you to the fine people who bring us internet porn. Its been almost 72 hours since any sexting\chat. Other than while on vacation, this is my longest period of abstinence in years. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 I'm with turning point. I claim BS, OP has a burner phone yet wants to hold himself accountable. I really don't believe half the crap he's been carrying on about. Pure attention who're. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 OP has a burner phone Which he's obviously monitoring since he's aware of the volume and source of texts... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 I’ve had my husband read this. His prediction is that the OP will eventually turn to finding women via this forum to chat with and use to have the ego boost he craves. Should be interesting to see if that plays out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 This is a bottle rocket I don't need to follow. We all know how it ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 Good Day #3 All I can do is ignore the negativity. I’m starting to feel more clear headed, and I’m almost 96 hours into no sexting. And I’m telling the truth, regardless of what some choose to believe. I feel like there is a lot of bad energy in some of these responses, like you want me to fail. I have no interest in that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 I feel like there is a lot of bad energy in some of these responses, like you want me to fail. I have no interest in that. CantGetEnuff, will you watch the Super Bowl today? At some point, the offense will line up and the defense, having called the wrong play and caught in the wrong formation, will give up a touchdown. The reverse will also happen, the offense will not be prepared for what the defense has done, wrong play call or formation and the result will be a loss or turnover. No one here wants you to fail. Many of us here, myself included, think you're consistently calling the wrong plays... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 No one here wants you to fail. Many of us here, myself included, think you're consistently calling the wrong plays... Right, exactly! I'd love to hear about the (self) insights that OP has come up with thus far, after making the effort and spending the Energy, to contemplate Mark's suggestions (post #86). We know that he did have the time, because his wife is/was sick. Certainly we are dealing with a very fragile ego, but that does not mean that we have to cater to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 The real value of a forum like this lies in its ability to present contrary points of view, forcing you outside your comfort zone, an important part of problem solving. You don't need more "attaboys", I have the feeling you get plenty of those when you look in the mirror each morning. And if you see suggestions you take responsibility for your actions and treat your wife with respect and consideration as "insults", then you're simply defending the values behind your dysfunction. I think it all comes back to this brilliant post. What you are hearing as “negativity” OP is actually the accountability that you say you are seeking by posting on this website... Accountability, and a hearty dose of scepticism because you are rather arrogantly and selfishly insistent that you will be successful despite the fact that we can all see, you have a much bigger problem than you are willing to acknowledge right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) Good Day #4 Almost 5 days with no texting, phone sex, etc. I feel like I have turned a corner. I'm in a much better mindset after spending the weekend taking care of my wife and spending time with my kids. If I can get it through this work week with no relapses, I'll feel like I've successfully torn the Band-Aid off. (and the burner phone is gone) Posting here has helped, even with all of the negativity and skepticism. I'm actually alright with the skepticism, as I'm a natural skeptic myself. Proof requires action. Edited February 4, 2019 by CantGetEnuff 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Ah yes, people that are blunt and don't tell you what you want to hear are full of negative energy. The reality is they have become skeptical of you. Day three of a grown ass man behaving the way one should in a marriage, I guess you deserve a prize. I don't care if you fail but I know you will. You lack sincerity and still own a burner phone. What's to take seriously? Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 I take that back about the burner phone, good to see you can at least eliminate that. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Right, exactly! I'd love to hear about the (self) insights that OP has come up with thus far, after making the effort and spending the Energy, to contemplate Mark's suggestions (post #86). We know that he did have the time, because his wife is/was sick. Certainly we are dealing with a very fragile ego, but that does not mean that we have to cater to it. Ronni, to be fair the approach I mentioned takes time, at least for me it did. I remember it taking about 3 months before I felt fully normal again. You can feel like you've made a lot of progress at first, but that's really just the first 25%. In a way it feels like "rewiring your brain" a bit. So, sustained effort is needed to get you all the way, IMO. Maybe its different for different people, not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts