I'm addicted to women and need to hold myself accountable.

[Rayce]

My father was clinically dx as narcissist and I think my mom was one too… and I'll tell you it was hell growing up with such perfection. But based on my dad's will power I'd say they can conquer something "cold turkey" especially when it gets replaced with something else to obsess over.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My father was clinically dx as narcissist and I think my mom was one too… and I'll tell you it was hell growing up with such perfection. But based on my dad's will power I'd say they can conquer something "cold turkey" especially when it gets replaced with something else to obsess over.

 

I agree 100%.

[CantGetEnuff]

Self diagnosing is always hard I guess, but this is how I analyze myself...

 

1) I care about myself more than I care about anyone else. I rarely factor in other peoples' feelings when I make decisions.

 

2) I have changed jobs and made other big decisions before without input from my spouse.

 

3) I think most people are absolute morons.

 

4) I think I am almost always the smartest person in the room. (On occasion, when surrounded by esteemed company, I will admit that this is not the case).

 

5) I think the rules don't apply to me (or my family). I am beyond irritated when someone tries to enforce a rule against us and I generally try to argue my way out of it.

 

6) I sometimes wonder what it must feel like to be dumb like most other people.

 

7) I enjoy verbally imposing my will on people. It almost always works if you are passionate enough and clever enough.

 

I could go on and on. Does this sound like a narcissist?

[Rayce]

Do would not be so quick to label yourself as "narcissist". I have no clue what makes a true dx of narcissistic. In the case of my dad he was mean. He liked to hurt others. He took advantage of those he felt were "beneath" him. He was a really ugly person. He used sarcasm a lot. Do you have traits like that?

[CantGetEnuff]

Rayce, no I do not get any pleasure out of hurting people.

 

Now that being said, I might be "hurting people" with my actions, but the primary goal of my actions is to help myself. The "hurting others" could be an unintentional byproduct.

 

I really hate to make this comparison, but the Betty Draper poster got me thinking about it.

 

If you've seen Mad Men, the Don character does not go out to hurt people. You don't see him beating people up, berating people, etc. He just wants what he wants. People get hurt in the process, but there's rarely any ill will.

 

His worldview is pretty much mine.

 

"You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts, but I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one."

[pepperbird]

op,

I cant' stress enough how important it is for you to see a professional for some help in understanding why you do what you do. If you have time to fit extra marital sex into your schedule, then surely you can fit a hour with a therapist in somewhere.

 

 

If you are a narcissist, you are going to need help and support to change, if you even can. If you aren't, it can still be helpful to understand the motivations behind your behvaior.

[pepperbird]

Self diagnosing is always hard I guess, but this is how I analyze myself...

 

1) I care about myself more than I care about anyone else. I rarely factor in other peoples' feelings when I make decisions.

 

2) I have changed jobs and made other big decisions before without input from my spouse.

 

3) I think most people are absolute morons.

 

4) I think I am almost always the smartest person in the room. (On occasion, when surrounded by esteemed company, I will admit that this is not the case).

 

5) I think the rules don't apply to me (or my family). I am beyond irritated when someone tries to enforce a rule against us and I generally try to argue my way out of it.

 

6) I sometimes wonder what it must feel like to be dumb like most other people.

 

7) I enjoy verbally imposing my will on people. It almost always works if you are passionate enough and clever enough.

 

I could go on and on. Does this sound like a narcissist?

 

 

I hate to say it, nut that sounds more like sociopathy to me, but I am not professional.

 

 

I don't know about your intellectual poweress, as the only knowledge I have of you is your own words typed on a screen. I will hazard a guess that emotionally, your growth is quite stunted, and you are behind the pack.

 

What I can't figure out is the reasons behind why you want to stop sleeping around. Are you doing it because you don't want to hurt your wife or is it because you are afraid of how it will impact you should you get caught?

 

 

btw...verbal ability is no sign of intelligence. It's can actually be a sign someone is a manipulator. My daughter is very quiet and shy, and someone like you would probably think she's dumb. The truth is she could kick your @ss up and down in the intelligence department, but she's not good at tooting her own horn. You seem to be...as the saying goes " big winds come from small caves"

Edited February 6, 2019 by pepperbird

[CantGetEnuff]

Good Day #7 Down

 

This will be the last day I formally "check in."

 

I might still post in this thread, but I feel like most of what can be said has been said, by me and you all.

 

I keep coming back to the whole "finding a new obsession thing" (I won't use the word "addiction" anymore, because upon reflection, that's probably not the right word to use in my situation), and I really think that will help.

 

Frankly, I might already be obsessed with this site. So warning, I might hang around here for a while!

 

And I've put two calls in to local therapists after doing some google-fu on potential good matches. I'll let everyone know if I end up going to one of them.

 

Thanks for all of the feedback, even from those whom I viewed as being overly critical. I would like to think everyone's motives for posting here are altruistic, and that everyone is legit trying to help others, in their own ways.

[Artdeco]

You probably have some addiction issues in general. Do you drink? You might be one of those who slip from one addiction to the next, sex addiction, work addiction, gym addiction, the list goes on.

[CantGetEnuff]

Artdeco,

 

I see what you are saying, but no, not really. I drink maybe 2-3 glasses of wine or cocktails a week max, and usually no more than 1 on a given night.

 

I WISH I was addicted to exercise! I need to lose a good 20 lbs.

 

And I enjoy work but eh I could find other things to do with my time. I don't wrap up my identity in my work. If someone gave me $500k today, I'd retire.

 

So I guess I'm saying I view myself as fairly well balanced in other areas. No arrests, no crazy running out and buying a sports car, no drug use.

 

Hell, many nights I am happy to sit down with a good book with my wife (we like reading together, different books obviously).

[BaileyB]

Well considering your post in the general relationship forum, I give you a snowballs chance in hell of staying faithful to your wife...

 

Some people are just not meant to be monogamous. There is no shame in admitting that. If that is you, then you really should be honest with your wife... assuming she values fidelity and loyalty in a husband, she really needs to know who she is married to (if she doesn’t know already which frankly, I would be amazed if she didn’t know something was up already...).

[edgygirl]

I got here though op’s General section post. Two things caught my eye:

 

Everyone mentioned the wife, but I’m more worried about his kids. I’d be mortified if I found out my dad was a womanizer who repeatedly cheated on my mom all his life. I understand from a female standpoint wanting sexual variety partner-wise, but for some reason I wouldn’t be able to forgive if my dad did this.

 

There are so many possible lifestyles today. Why does the op have to continue being married? He could just find someone to have an open relationship with, as the thrill is his obvious preferred way of living. Everyone happy. He gets to chase, his poor wife gets to find a new faithful partner which is probably what she wants.

 

This being said, I applaud that he’s trying to change his ways without external pressure, but internal - as he knows his actions might destroy his family and his life as is.

[CantGetEnuff]

Hey @edgygirl,

 

All I can do is move forward and improve my behavior. I'm doing the best I can with that. I can't change the past obviously.

 

No physical affairs since 2013. That part of my life has been over for a long time. I've now ended the stupid sexting/chat/online stuff as well.

 

I wish focus on getting whatever "rush" I desired from playing poker and exercising more. We have a basketball goal in our driveway. I can work on my jumper.

 

And @BaileyB, she knows nothing. That's why this can still work. She is a happy person, and she is happy with me. And things will only get better as I devote my brainspace to her instead of others.

[edgygirl]

Perhaps you can substitute the outside thrill need with some kink? Would your wife be open to exploring it? Fetlife the website can give you guys a lot of ideas. But don’t use it to talk with other women! LOL.

 

Good to know at least it hasn’t been physical for quite a while.

[CantGetEnuff]

edgy,

 

Oh la la, they have over 7M users!! That is a LOT of kinksters. I might have to check that out! And yes, we already do a fair amount of kink. I won't go into details but let's just say that she's always been able to please me (and vice versa).

 

S2B, I probably have some narcissistic qualities, but from doing further reading, there's just no way I'm a full-blown narcissist. Those people sound nuts. But yes, I need to focus more on sympathizing and empathizing with others. It's not my strong suit, I'll admit.

[CantGetEnuff]

S2B,

 

As I said, it's not my nature, but I will take that challenge to focus on "building positive energy" this weekend. Maybe I'll relate my experiences on Monday. I'll make that my little project for the weekend, as I can't see there being any downside.

[littleblackheart]

she knows nothing. That's why this can still work. She is a happy person, and she is happy with me.

 

That's super controlling, if nothing else. Seems like everything is going swimmingly, but in your own terms.

 

It's not even about telling her. I just wonder how that has been sitting with your conscience for so long without it affecting any other part of your life.

[elaine567]

Short animated video on the difference between empathy and sympathy.

Brené Brown.

 

[pepperbird]

edgy,

 

Oh la la, they have over 7M users!! That is a LOT of kinksters. I might have to check that out! And yes, we already do a fair amount of kink. I won't go into details but let's just say that she's always been able to please me (and vice versa).

 

S2B, I probably have some narcissistic qualities, but from doing further reading, there's just no way I'm a full-blown narcissist. Those people sound nuts. But yes, I need to focus more on sympathizing and empathizing with others. It's not my strong suit, I'll admit.

 

 

 

If I were you, I would watch this right to the end. It has a very surprising twist that might give some some insight into yourself.

[Twisted Up]

This is something that I would want to ask a therapist, but until I figure out a way to make that happen, here's my big question (to men)

 

"When you see an attractive woman, do you immediately think about having sex with her?"

 

Yes! I absolutely do, immediately, think of having sex when I see a gorgeous woman. Especially if she is dressed to show off her body, as many gorgeous women tend to do. I picture them nude. Picture having sex with them in all my favorite ways. Imagine kissing them, holding hands. Everything.

 

However, I never do anything about it. I purposely make sure they don't even know I've noticed they are attractive. I think that is where you are unusual. You can't resist the urge to keep your thoughts and hands to yourself.

 

I've dated a lot of women over the years and told all of them, that were more than a ONS, that I do this. I've only ever had one woman partner say she thought that was unacceptable. (She also had a strong objection to porn.) The others were ok with it, had heard this from other guys. They were ok with it as long as I didn't do it while with them, didn't let the woman catch on that I was doing this and didn't act on the urge. Most were gorgeous women who dressed to attract and so of course were not surprised that it works.

 

The, not doing it while with them, is hard. Probably as hard for me as you not acting on it. I can do it though. It is just mind control.

[SmartDude]

I think marriage is really horrible. It is probably the secret cause of all suffering on earth. Why did you marry? Was it because society told you that this is what successful moral men do? Because that is a lie. I think it is time men start sticking up for themselves and be truthful about our natural desires.

 

 

 

Ask an old man what he thinks about being married after 50 years. Most of em say "don't' do it". We will figure this out as a society perhaps in another hundred years but for now we are in the dark.

 

 

We sign away our rights to be in control of our own romantic relationship and hand that power over to the state. It is madness.

[Twisted Up]

I think marriage is really horrible. It is probably the secret cause of all suffering on earth. Why did you marry? Was it because society told you that this is what successful moral men do? Because that is a lie. I think it is time men start sticking up for themselves and be truthful about our natural desires.

 

 

 

Ask an old man what he thinks about being married after 50 years. Most of em say "don't' do it". We will figure this out as a society perhaps in another hundred years but for now we are in the dark.

 

 

We sign away our rights to be in control of our own romantic relationship and hand that power over to the state. It is madness.

 

I would tend to agree, unless you really need a full time companion and don't want to keep changing partners all the time.

 

That or else if you want children. I think being married and exclusive is the best for the children and gives me, as a father, the maximum time with my children and no worries about who my wife might bring into their lives if we were not married.

[Tamfana]

<snip>. Ask an old man what he thinks about being married after 50 years. Most of em say "don't' do it". <snip>

 

That's the opposite of what "old men" that I've known have said, including my dad and uncles. It could be that the Greatest Generation valued family more and sexual variety less than the younger generations do.

[Wallysbears]

 

 

Ask an old man what he thinks about being married after 50 years. Most of em say "don't' do it".

 

 

Most couples I know that say this are saying it "tongue in cheek" as a joke and are happily married for decades.

[CantGetEnuff]

@SmartDude,

 

I've had some of the same thought exercises over the years.

 

I mean, I don't think anyone would argue that evolution drives men to be monogamous. In fact, it's the exact opposite. We're programmed to 'spread the wealth,' so to speak. And it's not just me or you, it's men in general. You and I aren't biologically unique, hell we're the template.

 

So we've set up this society where men are expected to be monogamous with one women for 20, 30, 40+ years when every fiber of our DNA is telling us this is not natural. Is anyone surprised at the number of divorces or affairs? At men's obsession with porn, sex chat, anything to do with seeing/interacting with women?

 

So what's the 'fix?'I don't know.