I'm addicted to women and need to hold myself accountable.

[smi11ie]

Be careful. You might be attractive now but it won't last forever. You can trade on your charm and good looks, but when it all fades, you will want someone to cherish you. Some people marry too young and they don't understand the deal. I think you have a lot to offer someone. Don't crush your wife, instead be her champion and enjoy her love.

[S2B]

Aa is far from a cult - each person is encouraged to choose what works for them/their situation. A higher power could be anything other than self...knowing that evidence shows self hasn’t been adequate.

 

In considering counseling - I’d explore why women are viewed as your pleasure to use for your benefit and discard...

 

And explore whether or not it is designed this way to avoid a deep emotional connection with women.

 

Mainly because I’d be wondering why you have such a low opinions of women that using them is ok? Why is that honoring or respecting women?

 

How could you possibly gain a greater opinion/respect for women? That’s something for you to explore...and what steps to take to get there?

 

Do you have any daughters? Maybe it’s useful to explore howyou would likenen to treat your daughters?... and then model that ideal onto all women you meet?

 

Setting an example is good - you can imagine in your mind that every gal you see is your daughter and attempt to act better than in the past...

[pepperbird]

op,

you sound like my brother. He was married, slept around, got caught, divorced, married his ow, they both slept around, got caught, divorce and now he's single, and for a long time, he would chase after any women that, well, got his engine going.

 

He realized how bad it had gotten, and started therapy. In the course of is sessions, he began to realize that the sex was actually secondary. It was the adrenaline filled chase, the ego boost from having the woman respond and then there was the added excitement of going behind his spouse(s) back. It made for a very addictive situation.

 

That would all have been fine, but it didn't match up with what he wanted in life. Just as he wanted the above, he also craved being married and settled down. He really needs to feel accepted and loved by one individual, and in return, give her that love back.

 

He finally realized that since it really wasn't the sex per se that was the root cause of his issues, and it was really more about the adrenaline and ego boost, then he could get those same feelings in a way that wasn't so destructive to himself and others. He's a super type A personality, and he really does need it, so he's gotten heavily into those Spartan competitions. Not my cup of tea, but he enjoys it. From what he says, it's really been helpful to him, and he's gotten himself really fit.

 

Does that sound like it applies to you, or is it really just about the sex itself?

[CantGetEnuff]

smi11le, my wife kids me all the time that I will be the most charming f'ing senior citizen around in 25 years. Haha, let's just say I have mixed feelings about that. But yes, I'm going to give her tons of attention this weekend. I'll try my best to keep her in bed until noon.

 

 

S2B, we can agree to disagree, but I am doubling down on their cult status. I've had some of them say things like, "It's not necessarily religious! Your higher power could be a chair!" And I'm like...yeah good luck with that.

 

And I find your allegations insulting. Why are you assuming these women didn't also enjoy themselves with me or even pursue me? I'm not going to go into details or brag because that's not appropriate or helpful, but your whole attitude of "I'm disrespecting the women I slept with merely by sleeping with them" could be read as demeaning to those women. They were all adults. I didn't take advantage of anyone. Hell, most of them knew I was married and were very into it. So how is having "no strings attached" sex being disrespectful to these women? They went in with eyes wide open.

 

(NOTE: I am obviously NOT including my wife in the above analysis; I realize I have been disrespectful to her).

 

 

pepperbird, I'd say it's mostly about making connections with desirable women. I just really love interacting with women, especially smart ones. I say that it wasn't all about the sex, because even sexting (while obviously very different than a physical affair) gives me some of the same "highs." Yes, I'm sure part of it is that I like the affirmation that I'm a charming guy, but frankly I am very picky (I mostly pulled high 7's and 8's) and so when I interact with a woman, it's because I find her desirable as well.

[pepperbird]

This may sound like a crazy question, but is there any chance you were adopted?

I know how weird that sounds, but there is a school of thought that adult adoptees are more prone to this type of behvaior. From what I understand, it's sort of a way to heal the "primal wound" caused by being separated from one's mother and also a sense of rejection from your biological family. I suppose this could be caused by other reasons as well.

I'm not sure if I agree with this theory or not, but I just wanted to put it out there. Sorry if it's way off.

Good to hear you're looking into counseling. In the meantime, have you given any thought to writing down the times/ circumstances when your eye ( and the rest of you:D) starts to wander? Is there any common factor? I'm just asking because if you can find a commonality, it might be easier to prepare a plan for what you'll do. By already having a "go to" you will be one step ahead.

[smi11ie]

I feel that you want a fully committed loveliness. I hope you can do it, however, I would suggest that honesty plays a large part. Don't doubt your integrity, have faith that you can be a stable companion. I am sure many women would be happy with you, warts and all.

[CantGetEnuff]

Going back to SB2's allegations, I wanted to add this...

 

If the genders were flipped in my story, and I was a married female who had stepped out with other men, would you be accusing me of "disrespecting" those men, and if so, why?

 

I'm just trying to figure out when having consensual sex with an enthusiastic partner who knows your marital situation is "disrespectful" to them.

 

Wouldn't it be more disrespectful to them to be paternalistic and say, "Oh even though you say you want to sleep with me, you don't really know what you want" followed by a head pat?

[pepperbird]

I feel that you want a fully committed loveliness. I hope you can do it, however, I would suggest that honesty plays a large part. Don't doubt your integrity, have faith that you can be a stable companion. I am sure many women would be happy with you, warts and all.

 

 

It sounds like his wife is very happy with him. This isn't about his wife. It's about the OP. He'd do this no matter who he was with.

At least he admits that, which is good. Behavior he recognizes is behavior he can change, even if it's really hard.

[smi11ie]

Just forget about the morality of your affair partners. You married your wife, they never promised her anything. You are not responsible for their lack of morals. You can only take care of your own business. You know, this is a good place to get advice. It boils down to how much love you feel for your partner.

[CantGetEnuff]

Annnnnnd my burner phone has been blowing up with texts for the past 20 minutes. I haven't looked or even touched it but I know who it is.

 

Gotta take a walk in a few minutes and find a garbage can outside the building.

[mark clemson]

@Cautiously - thanks!

 

Hi Can't, here's what worked for me, YMMV. All of the below is my personal opinion/FWIW only. I don't think any of this should replace IC for you, but it may help a bit/dovetail.

 

I didn't try to change how I felt overnight - I realized it would be too difficult. I took (and would suggest) a "1% per day" approach. I.e., try to be 1% less dependent on attention, 1% less invested in what non-spouse women think of me, etc every day. Try to work on both what you think AND how you feel. Obviously there are no actual percentage measurements, but the point is to make a sustained, long term effort to change. You'll probably feel like you made a lot more progress on some days than others.

 

I considered/reflected on the following things, which I believe to be true, daily - again for a sustained time. The point is to really understand/recognize these things so that they "sink in" and help change the way you think and feel. Note that these aren't observable facts - but more like personal truths/"realizations". You should probably adjust to your situation and how you think.

1) The "egoic" part of me that gets a boost from all these interactions with women is actually quite fragile. Although it makes me feel good, it is also "hurt" very easily when (female) attention is withdrawn.

2) In the final analysis, the only person who's opinion of me REALLY counts is me.

3) Why would I allow my self-esteem/sense of self/identity to be caught up in and vulnerable to people who don't really care about me? They are only paying attention to me due to circumstances and for fun. They can (and will) withdraw their attention at any time and for any reason. What sense does it make to allow transitory, superficial interactions to impact how I feel?

4) I'

m

setting myself up for failure if I let interactions with random women impact how I feel. They will always need to go about their lives,

so

I will ALWAYS have a need to go find more (if I allow this to continue).

5) I'

m

better off and MUCH more in control of my own life if I don't let myself be susceptible to being overly influenced by women I flirt with.

6) "Neediness", even if it's hidden, isn't very studly. It also isn't psychologically healthy. It also leaves me vulnerable to manipulation by others.

I could probably add a few, but I think you get the idea. These are really a group of interrelated thoughts/realizations that are probably slightly different for each person.

 

Hope this is helpful...

[smi11ie]

You have got the right idea. This site is about self respect and recognizing that you can control your behavior and reward the people you really love.

[Ronni_W]

And look, I don't even want to hear "get counseling," but I get that I need it. So I'm trying to come to grips that I need some tough love.

But I'm not the type that would ever give up his brain to a bunch of cultists. What I really need is for a trained professional to listen to me vent and help me develop positive habits.

In that case, when you're looking (not that you 'should' or 'should not', but since you've already said that you're looking into it, so,) when you're looking,

you might want to check for a properly trained cognitive-behavioural therapist, even better if s/he specializes in addictions and/or impulse control issues.

CBT will put you squarely in charge, using your own brain to take responsibility to make wiser/more constructive decisions and choices.

 

Good luck over the weekend...hopefully it won't be too difficult, or at least not as difficult as you may be anticipating.

[Wallysbears]

Destroy the “burner phone” if you are actually serious about ceasing to be a serial cheater.

[S2B]

Going back to SB2's allegations, I wanted to add this...

 

If the genders were flipped in my story, and I was a married female who had stepped out with other men, would you be accusing me of "disrespecting" those men, and if so, why?

 

I'm just trying to figure out when having consensual sex with an enthusiastic partner who knows your marital situation is "disrespectful" to them.

 

Wouldn't it be more disrespectful to them to be paternalistic and say, "Oh even though you say you want to sleep with me, you don't really know what you want" followed by a head pat?

 

What “they” would or wouldn’t do is none of YOUR concern!

 

Being responsible for how YOU participate is the only concern you have today!

 

Stop looking/thinking how others are responsible - this is on you at this juncture!

 

A great looking person could strip down naked in front of me - when I’m committed I don’t even bother considering participating because I want to respect myself for how I participate!

 

Do you! What anyone else does is none of your concern!

 

 

I agree you must get rid of the burner phone now!

[Turning point]

It doesn't appear to me that the OP is addicted to women.

He's addicted to behaviors that feed his need for self-gratification. It's unlikely chasing extramarital sex is the only ways he accomplishes this.

 

Using other women (including his wife and the omnipresent threat of detection) is a symptom not the problem.

[CantGetEnuff]

Mark, I appreciate that very thoughtful post, and the more I think about it, the more it interests me.

 

I've been accused of having a superiority complex (it's probably true), so I find the realization that I've let others so profoundly impact my feeling of self-worth to be abhorrent.

 

So yeah I need to view this as me taking control of the steering wheel and going where I want to go, where I NEED to go. Forward. Always forward.

 

Have a good weekend, everyone. I have a meeting (who sets late Friday afternoon meetings??) and then I'm going home.

[S2B]

Instead of picking apart little parts that you don’t agree with - attempt to pull parts of posters suggestions that may help you - use suggestions to think hard about what you ARE willing to try out! Look deep within about things that can change who you have been.

 

We aren’t here to pay you on the back and agree with you - we are here to hopefully help you delve deep into a solution.

 

And many times it make make you angry and defensive - we get that - but more than anything you need to attempt to let go of feeling defensive and take suggestions that can help you to do better/think outside your comfort zone.

[pepperbird]

And many times it make make you angry and defensive - we get that - but more than anything you need to attempt to let go of feeling defensive and take suggestions that can help you to do better/think outside your comfort zone.

 

 

In my experience things we get defensive about are usually the party of ourselves we are not happy with or ashamed about.

 

Op, what kind of a man do you want to be? Is this behavior getting you there?

I'll make another suggestion, and again, sorry if it's a bad one. My older daughter is highly intelligent, creative and has an ability to become super focused on a subject. This makes her excellent in the field of law and risk management, but it's not so great at other times.

 

This is both a blessing and curse, as while it's great for her in her studies, she has a bad tendency to ruminate. She gets caught in thought loops, and this used to be really detrimental to her.

Her psychologist recommended the following. He told her that when she gets stuck in one of these loops, she should take a step back. She gives herself an allotment of time to consider the issue, and when that time is up, she tries her best to end it, full stop, until the next allotted time.

 

 

This serves two purposes. First, it puts her in the driver's seat. Second, it allows her to break the cycle, and she's often found that, when the next allotted time comes up, she's already moved on.

She also started writing to take her mind off these ruminations, and it turned into a lucrative sideline for her.

 

I'm not suggesting either of these are a "cure" for you, but maybe you can find a bit in them that's helpful to you. Can you write about your experiences daily on here, maybe treat it as a journal of sorts. Sometimes, writing about something can help you to process it all and see it from a new angle.

[Turning point]

Are you a guy? I ask because I checked your profile and it doesn't say. I also ask because I specifically asked for men's opinions on my question as I'm seriously trying to figure out if I'm a huge outlier or if most other dudes have similar thoughts but just police themselves better?

 

I think you specifically ask for men's opinions because you can't brag openly without blowing up your marriage and so, you come here pretending to need "help."

 

This is very simple IMHO. You're self-absorbed and you crave attention as much as your lungs crave air. There's no higher form of attention and self-gratification than banging yet another woman, save but having an audience to your Wilt Chamberlain performance.

 

You're now on page 7 of crowd sourcing this "problem" of being a predator. I'm just not buyin' it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It doesn't appear to me that the OP is addicted to women.

He's addicted to behaviors that feed his need for self-gratification. It's unlikely chasing extramarital sex is the only ways he accomplishes this.

 

Using other women (including his wife and the omnipresent threat of detection) is a symptom not the problem.

 

Hear, Hear!

[TheRainbow]

Have you considered finding SAA (sex addicts anonymous) meetings in your area?

[S2B]

Have you considered finding SAA (sex addicts anonymous) meetings in your area?

 

I bet they have groups online too.

[CantGetEnuff]

Good Day #2

 

I just need to stay busy. As luck would have it, the wife is sick, so my options for release are limited. Very frustrating. Thank you to the fine people who bring us internet porn.

 

Its been almost 72 hours since any sexting\chat. Other than while on vacation, this is my longest period of abstinence in years.

[loversquarrel]

I'm with turning point. I claim BS, OP has a burner phone yet wants to hold himself accountable. I really don't believe half the crap he's been carrying on about. Pure attention who're.