I'm addicted to women and need to hold myself accountable.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, are you a narcissist?

 

I have low opinions of most people's intelligence (for good reason).

 

I've been accused of having a superiority complex (it's probably true)

 

Ten characters...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

And ultimately A is vulnerable to his own brain. His limbic system will gradually need more and more reinforcement to get the same satisfaction.

mark,

 

Another excellent post! Unfortunately, I think it may be wasted here, unless OP actually does want to make permanent, deep-seated changes. If he ignores the question, then we will have our answer.

 

I get narcissism and egos as fragile as OP's; believe me, I do; but, if he won't really look at how his brain is actually operating and day-to-day controlling him, then how can he rewire it?

[CantGetEnuff]

Mr. Lucky, yes that about sums me up. I'm being as brutally honest re: myself as I can be. I know the type of person I am.

 

And congrats on your 13,000th post. Damn you must have some stories.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know the type of person I am.

 

Actually, you know the type of person you've been. Never too late to change...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

I think most people strive to be better... being aware of how our behavior affects others is a good mindset for anyone!

[Mr. Lucky]

Damn you must have some stories.

 

Many of the threads here contain part of the answer in the title.

 

For instance, you say "I'm addicted to women...". Were that true, you'd have been helpless in the face of that addiction in a way that would have driven you to seek help long ago, probably in one of the forms you so easily dismiss.

 

You're attracted to women and, more importantly, willing to act on that feeling. Just make you selfish, a character trait rather than a condition. Not sure there's a cure...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

OP, have you ever considered taking your sexual energy home to your wife?

When you find women attractive, you can choose to exercise some restraint until you and your wife have some time alone.

 

You can also choose to let go of your ego driven aversion to professional help and humble yourself enough to seek it.

 

We all have free will to decide how we wish to live our lives.

[Rayce]

BettyDraper brings up a good point. What is your aversion to seeking professional help? I think I remember reading that you said it would be hard to fit into your schedule and keep it a secret... yet that really seems like an excuse not too.

[mark clemson]

@ Ronni - thanks!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

BettyDraper brings up a good point. What is your aversion to seeking professional help? I think I remember reading that you said it would be hard to fit into your schedule and keep it a secret... yet that really seems like an excuse not too.

 

He's admitted he's probably a narcissist so I think this explains it.

 

My BIL just quit therapy after 3 visits and his marriage and family is in absolute shambles. He's a narcissist. He says it is not "helping him" (but of course he needs no help and going in the first place was just for show) and instead puts all the blame on my sis and tells her if SHE really wanted things to change SHE would be going to therapy TWICE A WEEK instead of just once a week (while he refuses to go at all, even with her to couples therapy).

[BaileyB]

OP, have you ever considered taking your sexual energy home to your wife?

When you find women attractive, you can choose to exercise some restraint until you and your wife have some time alone.

 

Why would she really want that though? If she knew the truth about her husband, if she is constantly having him put on her, that’s not going to be a particularly pleasant experience for her...

[CantGetEnuff]

Good Day #6 Down

 

Well it's basically been a week now. I feel as though I've gotten the old daily habits out of my system. Not saying that I am a new man or anything, I'll be realistic and admit I need a LOT of good weeks strung together before going to that extent, but I do feel like progress has been made.

 

I will probably slow down posting in this thread, as I'm starting to think that the more I talk/type about this now, the more I will think about it, and the more I might be tempted to fall off the wagon. I think it's healthier, at least for me, to push it aside and focus on other interests to avoid dwelling on it. But I'm seeing a lot of other interesting threads; maybe I can help other people or at least be a voice of warning.

 

The good news is that I already have a poker game invite for this weekend. I am a bit rusty but we'll see what happens.

 

And BettyDraper, please don't use my Don Draper signature quote against me. Haha! Your ex is just very quotable.

Edited February 6, 2019 by CantGetEnuff

[BettyDraper]

He's admitted he's probably a narcissist so I think this explains it.

 

My BIL just quit therapy after 3 visits and his marriage and family is in absolute shambles. He's a narcissist. He says it is not "helping him" (but of course he needs no help and going in the first place was just for show) and instead puts all the blame on my sis and tells her if SHE really wanted things to change SHE would be going to therapy TWICE A WEEK instead of just once a week (while he refuses to go at all, even with her to couples therapy).

 

It's true that personality disordered individuals rarely seek help.

 

I am so sorry that your sister's husband is so awful.

[BettyDraper]

Good Day #6 Down

 

Well it's basically been a week now. I feel as though I've gotten the old daily habits out of my system. Not saying that I am a new man or anything, I'll be realistic and admit I need a LOT of good weeks strung together before going to that extent, but I do feel like progress has been made.

 

I will probably slow down posting in this thread, as I'm starting to think that the more I talk/type about this now, the more I will think about it, and the more I might be tempted to fall off the wagon. I think it's healthier, at least for me, to push it aside and focus on other interests to avoid dwelling on it. But I'm seeing a lot of other interesting threads; maybe I can help other people or at least be a voice of warning.

 

The good news is that I already have a poker game invite for this weekend. I am a bit rusty but we'll see what happens.

 

And BettyDraper, please don't use my Don Draper signature quote against me. Haha! Your ex is just very quotable.

 

I loved Don but he wasn't a good husband. Henry and I are more compatible.

 

You will need far more than a "few good weeks". You will need at least a year of refraining from your reprehensible behavior.

[Rayce]

My father was clinically dx as narcissist and I think my mom was one too… and I'll tell you it was hell growing up with such perfection. But based on my dad's will power I'd say they can conquer something "cold turkey" especially when it gets replaced with something else to obsess over.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My father was clinically dx as narcissist and I think my mom was one too… and I'll tell you it was hell growing up with such perfection. But based on my dad's will power I'd say they can conquer something "cold turkey" especially when it gets replaced with something else to obsess over.

 

I agree 100%.

[CantGetEnuff]

Self diagnosing is always hard I guess, but this is how I analyze myself...

 

1) I care about myself more than I care about anyone else. I rarely factor in other peoples' feelings when I make decisions.

 

2) I have changed jobs and made other big decisions before without input from my spouse.

 

3) I think most people are absolute morons.

 

4) I think I am almost always the smartest person in the room. (On occasion, when surrounded by esteemed company, I will admit that this is not the case).

 

5) I think the rules don't apply to me (or my family). I am beyond irritated when someone tries to enforce a rule against us and I generally try to argue my way out of it.

 

6) I sometimes wonder what it must feel like to be dumb like most other people.

 

7) I enjoy verbally imposing my will on people. It almost always works if you are passionate enough and clever enough.

 

I could go on and on. Does this sound like a narcissist?

[Rayce]

Do would not be so quick to label yourself as "narcissist". I have no clue what makes a true dx of narcissistic. In the case of my dad he was mean. He liked to hurt others. He took advantage of those he felt were "beneath" him. He was a really ugly person. He used sarcasm a lot. Do you have traits like that?

[CantGetEnuff]

Rayce, no I do not get any pleasure out of hurting people.

 

Now that being said, I might be "hurting people" with my actions, but the primary goal of my actions is to help myself. The "hurting others" could be an unintentional byproduct.

 

I really hate to make this comparison, but the Betty Draper poster got me thinking about it.

 

If you've seen Mad Men, the Don character does not go out to hurt people. You don't see him beating people up, berating people, etc. He just wants what he wants. People get hurt in the process, but there's rarely any ill will.

 

His worldview is pretty much mine.

 

"You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts, but I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one."

[pepperbird]

op,

I cant' stress enough how important it is for you to see a professional for some help in understanding why you do what you do. If you have time to fit extra marital sex into your schedule, then surely you can fit a hour with a therapist in somewhere.

 

 

If you are a narcissist, you are going to need help and support to change, if you even can. If you aren't, it can still be helpful to understand the motivations behind your behvaior.

[pepperbird]

Self diagnosing is always hard I guess, but this is how I analyze myself...

 

1) I care about myself more than I care about anyone else. I rarely factor in other peoples' feelings when I make decisions.

 

2) I have changed jobs and made other big decisions before without input from my spouse.

 

3) I think most people are absolute morons.

 

4) I think I am almost always the smartest person in the room. (On occasion, when surrounded by esteemed company, I will admit that this is not the case).

 

5) I think the rules don't apply to me (or my family). I am beyond irritated when someone tries to enforce a rule against us and I generally try to argue my way out of it.

 

6) I sometimes wonder what it must feel like to be dumb like most other people.

 

7) I enjoy verbally imposing my will on people. It almost always works if you are passionate enough and clever enough.

 

I could go on and on. Does this sound like a narcissist?

 

 

I hate to say it, nut that sounds more like sociopathy to me, but I am not professional.

 

 

I don't know about your intellectual poweress, as the only knowledge I have of you is your own words typed on a screen. I will hazard a guess that emotionally, your growth is quite stunted, and you are behind the pack.

 

What I can't figure out is the reasons behind why you want to stop sleeping around. Are you doing it because you don't want to hurt your wife or is it because you are afraid of how it will impact you should you get caught?

 

 

btw...verbal ability is no sign of intelligence. It's can actually be a sign someone is a manipulator. My daughter is very quiet and shy, and someone like you would probably think she's dumb. The truth is she could kick your @ss up and down in the intelligence department, but she's not good at tooting her own horn. You seem to be...as the saying goes " big winds come from small caves"

Edited February 6, 2019 by pepperbird

[CantGetEnuff]

Good Day #7 Down

 

This will be the last day I formally "check in."

 

I might still post in this thread, but I feel like most of what can be said has been said, by me and you all.

 

I keep coming back to the whole "finding a new obsession thing" (I won't use the word "addiction" anymore, because upon reflection, that's probably not the right word to use in my situation), and I really think that will help.

 

Frankly, I might already be obsessed with this site. So warning, I might hang around here for a while!

 

And I've put two calls in to local therapists after doing some google-fu on potential good matches. I'll let everyone know if I end up going to one of them.

 

Thanks for all of the feedback, even from those whom I viewed as being overly critical. I would like to think everyone's motives for posting here are altruistic, and that everyone is legit trying to help others, in their own ways.

[Artdeco]

You probably have some addiction issues in general. Do you drink? You might be one of those who slip from one addiction to the next, sex addiction, work addiction, gym addiction, the list goes on.

[CantGetEnuff]

Artdeco,

 

I see what you are saying, but no, not really. I drink maybe 2-3 glasses of wine or cocktails a week max, and usually no more than 1 on a given night.

 

I WISH I was addicted to exercise! I need to lose a good 20 lbs.

 

And I enjoy work but eh I could find other things to do with my time. I don't wrap up my identity in my work. If someone gave me $500k today, I'd retire.

 

So I guess I'm saying I view myself as fairly well balanced in other areas. No arrests, no crazy running out and buying a sports car, no drug use.

 

Hell, many nights I am happy to sit down with a good book with my wife (we like reading together, different books obviously).

[BaileyB]

Well considering your post in the general relationship forum, I give you a snowballs chance in hell of staying faithful to your wife...

 

Some people are just not meant to be monogamous. There is no shame in admitting that. If that is you, then you really should be honest with your wife... assuming she values fidelity and loyalty in a husband, she really needs to know who she is married to (if she doesn’t know already which frankly, I would be amazed if she didn’t know something was up already...).