I'm addicted to women and need to hold myself accountable.

[edgygirl]

I got here though op’s General section post. Two things caught my eye:

 

Everyone mentioned the wife, but I’m more worried about his kids. I’d be mortified if I found out my dad was a womanizer who repeatedly cheated on my mom all his life. I understand from a female standpoint wanting sexual variety partner-wise, but for some reason I wouldn’t be able to forgive if my dad did this.

 

There are so many possible lifestyles today. Why does the op have to continue being married? He could just find someone to have an open relationship with, as the thrill is his obvious preferred way of living. Everyone happy. He gets to chase, his poor wife gets to find a new faithful partner which is probably what she wants.

 

This being said, I applaud that he’s trying to change his ways without external pressure, but internal - as he knows his actions might destroy his family and his life as is.

[CantGetEnuff]

Hey @edgygirl,

 

All I can do is move forward and improve my behavior. I'm doing the best I can with that. I can't change the past obviously.

 

No physical affairs since 2013. That part of my life has been over for a long time. I've now ended the stupid sexting/chat/online stuff as well.

 

I wish focus on getting whatever "rush" I desired from playing poker and exercising more. We have a basketball goal in our driveway. I can work on my jumper.

 

And @BaileyB, she knows nothing. That's why this can still work. She is a happy person, and she is happy with me. And things will only get better as I devote my brainspace to her instead of others.

[edgygirl]

Perhaps you can substitute the outside thrill need with some kink? Would your wife be open to exploring it? Fetlife the website can give you guys a lot of ideas. But don’t use it to talk with other women! LOL.

 

Good to know at least it hasn’t been physical for quite a while.

[S2B]

Well yes, the list in post #142 does sound like qualities of a narcissist.

 

Are you willing to change that mindset? Or does that work for you?

[CantGetEnuff]

edgy,

 

Oh la la, they have over 7M users!! That is a LOT of kinksters. I might have to check that out! And yes, we already do a fair amount of kink. I won't go into details but let's just say that she's always been able to please me (and vice versa).

 

S2B, I probably have some narcissistic qualities, but from doing further reading, there's just no way I'm a full-blown narcissist. Those people sound nuts. But yes, I need to focus more on sympathizing and empathizing with others. It's not my strong suit, I'll admit.

[S2B]

edgy,

 

Oh la la, they have over 7M users!! That is a LOT of kinksters. I might have to check that out! And yes, we already do a fair amount of kink. I won't go into details but let's just say that she's always been able to please me (and vice versa).

 

S2B, I probably have some narcissistic qualities, but from doing further reading, there's just no way I'm a full-blown narcissist. Those people sound nuts. But yes, I need to focus more on sympathizing and empathizing with others. It's not my strong suit, I'll admit.

 

You can work on that if you decide to do therapy.

 

You could probably google exercises on how to be more empathetic.

 

We all have some levels of empathy (or lack of).

 

Being aware of how I participate AND how my participation affects others is key.

 

I always ask myself “will this harm me and/or others?” If the answer is yes - I don’t do it.

 

What I do and don’t do is always running through my mind. My intent is to build positive energy. Even simple things. For example: Is the dishwasher full? Ok, someone is going to empty the clean dishes - it’s gonna be me. That way the mundane task isn’t left for someone else... that’s my way of doing for others - considering others feelings. Get the idea?

[CantGetEnuff]

S2B,

 

As I said, it's not my nature, but I will take that challenge to focus on "building positive energy" this weekend. Maybe I'll relate my experiences on Monday. I'll make that my little project for the weekend, as I can't see there being any downside.

[littleblackheart]

she knows nothing. That's why this can still work. She is a happy person, and she is happy with me.

 

That's super controlling, if nothing else. Seems like everything is going swimmingly, but in your own terms.

 

It's not even about telling her. I just wonder how that has been sitting with your conscience for so long without it affecting any other part of your life.

[elaine567]

Short animated video on the difference between empathy and sympathy.

Brené Brown.

 

[pepperbird]

edgy,

 

Oh la la, they have over 7M users!! That is a LOT of kinksters. I might have to check that out! And yes, we already do a fair amount of kink. I won't go into details but let's just say that she's always been able to please me (and vice versa).

 

S2B, I probably have some narcissistic qualities, but from doing further reading, there's just no way I'm a full-blown narcissist. Those people sound nuts. But yes, I need to focus more on sympathizing and empathizing with others. It's not my strong suit, I'll admit.

 

 

 

If I were you, I would watch this right to the end. It has a very surprising twist that might give some some insight into yourself.

[Twisted Up]

This is something that I would want to ask a therapist, but until I figure out a way to make that happen, here's my big question (to men)

 

"When you see an attractive woman, do you immediately think about having sex with her?"

 

Yes! I absolutely do, immediately, think of having sex when I see a gorgeous woman. Especially if she is dressed to show off her body, as many gorgeous women tend to do. I picture them nude. Picture having sex with them in all my favorite ways. Imagine kissing them, holding hands. Everything.

 

However, I never do anything about it. I purposely make sure they don't even know I've noticed they are attractive. I think that is where you are unusual. You can't resist the urge to keep your thoughts and hands to yourself.

 

I've dated a lot of women over the years and told all of them, that were more than a ONS, that I do this. I've only ever had one woman partner say she thought that was unacceptable. (She also had a strong objection to porn.) The others were ok with it, had heard this from other guys. They were ok with it as long as I didn't do it while with them, didn't let the woman catch on that I was doing this and didn't act on the urge. Most were gorgeous women who dressed to attract and so of course were not surprised that it works.

 

The, not doing it while with them, is hard. Probably as hard for me as you not acting on it. I can do it though. It is just mind control.

[SmartDude]

I think marriage is really horrible. It is probably the secret cause of all suffering on earth. Why did you marry? Was it because society told you that this is what successful moral men do? Because that is a lie. I think it is time men start sticking up for themselves and be truthful about our natural desires.

 

 

 

Ask an old man what he thinks about being married after 50 years. Most of em say "don't' do it". We will figure this out as a society perhaps in another hundred years but for now we are in the dark.

 

 

We sign away our rights to be in control of our own romantic relationship and hand that power over to the state. It is madness.

[Twisted Up]

I think marriage is really horrible. It is probably the secret cause of all suffering on earth. Why did you marry? Was it because society told you that this is what successful moral men do? Because that is a lie. I think it is time men start sticking up for themselves and be truthful about our natural desires.

 

 

 

Ask an old man what he thinks about being married after 50 years. Most of em say "don't' do it". We will figure this out as a society perhaps in another hundred years but for now we are in the dark.

 

 

We sign away our rights to be in control of our own romantic relationship and hand that power over to the state. It is madness.

 

I would tend to agree, unless you really need a full time companion and don't want to keep changing partners all the time.

 

That or else if you want children. I think being married and exclusive is the best for the children and gives me, as a father, the maximum time with my children and no worries about who my wife might bring into their lives if we were not married.

[Tamfana]

<snip>. Ask an old man what he thinks about being married after 50 years. Most of em say "don't' do it". <snip>

 

That's the opposite of what "old men" that I've known have said, including my dad and uncles. It could be that the Greatest Generation valued family more and sexual variety less than the younger generations do.

[Wallysbears]

 

 

Ask an old man what he thinks about being married after 50 years. Most of em say "don't' do it".

 

 

Most couples I know that say this are saying it "tongue in cheek" as a joke and are happily married for decades.

[CantGetEnuff]

@SmartDude,

 

I've had some of the same thought exercises over the years.

 

I mean, I don't think anyone would argue that evolution drives men to be monogamous. In fact, it's the exact opposite. We're programmed to 'spread the wealth,' so to speak. And it's not just me or you, it's men in general. You and I aren't biologically unique, hell we're the template.

 

So we've set up this society where men are expected to be monogamous with one women for 20, 30, 40+ years when every fiber of our DNA is telling us this is not natural. Is anyone surprised at the number of divorces or affairs? At men's obsession with porn, sex chat, anything to do with seeing/interacting with women?

 

So what's the 'fix?'I don't know.

[Wallysbears]

If you feel the need to "step out" of your marriage then you need to be honest and TELL YOUR WIFE that you want to step out of the marriage.

 

If you don't want to be monogamous, don't get married.

 

It really isn't that complicated.

[CantGetEnuff]

@Wallybears, so you're saying virtually no men should get married.

 

And maybe that's the answer.

 

Because men have different hard-wiring than women have, and there's no way for us to argue around it. Even if they tell themselves, because of society, that they want to "settle down," most of them experience the "fighting the DNA" conflict soon thereafter.

 

We're not even talking about concepts of right and wrong here, just practicality.

[JuneL]

It’s an easy fix. Just don’t get committed to one woman for a long period. You can date around casually, or date a long series of different women sequentially, or have an open relationship. But be honest with the women involved with you.

 

@SmartDude,

 

I've had some of the same thought exercises over the years.

 

I mean, I don't think anyone would argue that evolution drives men to be monogamous. In fact, it's the exact opposite. We're programmed to 'spread the wealth,' so to speak. And it's not just me or you, it's men in general. You and I aren't biologically unique, hell we're the template.

 

So we've set up this society where men are expected to be monogamous with one women for 20, 30, 40+ years when every fiber of our DNA is telling us this is not natural. Is anyone surprised at the number of divorces or affairs? At men's obsession with porn, sex chat, anything to do with seeing/interacting with women?

 

So what's the 'fix?'I don't know.

[Wallysbears]

@Wallybears, so you're saying virtually no men should get married.

 

And maybe that's the answer.

 

Because men have different hard-wiring than women have, and there's no way for us to argue around it. Even if they tell themselves, because of society, that they want to "settle down," most of them experience the "fighting the DNA" conflict soon thereafter.

 

We're not even talking about concepts of right and wrong here, just practicality.

 

I think you are assuming that most men are like you. I know many people that have long lasting marriages where the men do not step out and feel the need to cheat on their wives.

 

My parents were nearly 50 years before my Dad passed away, my in laws are at 50 years, all of my aunts and uncles/my IL relatives. Coworkers, etc.

 

Plenty of men are perfectly content to have stable, long lasting marriages and keep their penis in the pants.

[JuneL]

@Wallybears, so you're saying virtually no men should get married.

 

And maybe that's the answer.

 

Because men have different hard-wiring than women have, and there's no way for us to argue around it. Even if they tell themselves, because of society, that they want to "settle down," most of them experience the "fighting the DNA" conflict soon thereafter.

 

We're not even talking about concepts of right and wrong here, just practicality.

 

The majority of men didn’t have multiple affairs while in a marriage; they also don’t keep sexting other women. They also didn’t lie to their wives about their fidelity.

 

Have you considered sex addiction treatment?

[CantGetEnuff]

We're not even talking about me right now. We're talking about men in general.

 

I mean, we need to talk about the WHY. Why do people push marriage when we all know that most of them fail in some way.

 

Divorce = failure

Unhappy marriage = failure

Husband cheating = failure

Wife cheating = failure

 

I mean basically, for it to not be "failure," both parties have to remain happy from wedding to one of them dies. And people live much much longer now than we did just 100 years ago, and it's soooooo much easier now to meet and connect with other people (hell, 100 years ago most people never traveled more than 50 miles from their home).

 

It just seems that we're clinging to outdated rules and I'm not sure why we are.

[Rayce]

I have to agree with the guys here. I think the whole concept of "till death do we part" doesn't work. I have no solution though. It traps people. My parents were married for 50 miserable years yet to them it was YES WE DID IT! Now we are eligible to go to "heaven"... so some thought process like that. It was hell growing up in a loveless marriage. It's only after their death that I learn they were swingers and both my parents were bi... my father who was 78 had active craigslist ads looking for a male lover... lovely... think about that. What will your kids find out about you after death?

 

Thanks to my parents.. I have no clue what a healthy relationship looks like and from reading these boards and observing those around me over the years... I don't think very many people really do. You really have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

[elaine567]

It just seems that we're clinging to outdated rules and I'm not sure why we are.

 

 

I'm guessing your "new found ways" are starting to rankle.

[CantGetEnuff]

@Rayce,

 

Absolutely!

 

And look I am not trying to paint anyone as the 'bad guy.'

 

It's just facts. Traditional ideas of marriage are very outdated for our modern society. I mean, if anyone else suggested a social behavior that had like a 70-80% failure rate (my personal estimate, counting divorce, unhappy couples, and any cheating), people would say, "What the hell kind of idea is this?"