Dumpster fire... Totally lost here.

[ItsMeYo]

I'll do my best to give as much info as I can up front.

 

Short story:

I met a great girl last year, we moved in together. Her friend got dumped and started hanging around a lot. She and I became friends. GF heard from someone who was legit lying that I was saying things about her friend that I did not say. (I would not come seeking advice... only to lie.) The things this person said ATE HER ALIVE. She became so jealous I was having to account for every moment I spent away from her. I still did wanna be friends with her friend and this led to more mistrust. Nothing happened until she left me. Then it did. I did exactly what I was accused of. GF came back around and seemed only halfheartedly happy to see me. She found out about the things we did and beat the **** out of me in my home. She went to my job and screamed at her friend. (we work together) Then we haven't spoken since.

 

The long version:

I really do love this girl. We lived together and all was well until a perfect storm of events occurred. I lost a job, the girlfriend was dealing with family issues, her friend was dumped and came to stay at my house with us.

 

I stayed up late because I was stressing about the lost job. I looked for work during the day and partied at night. The GF was not joining us or supporting her friend. Her friend leaned on me and I actually was trying to be helpful if only by being present. Eventually this girl got back with dude, they broke up again etc etc.

 

My GF noticed all the time we spent together and assumed there was a relationship, hell, everyone did. It became an elephant in the room, everyone knew about our sordid affair except us. Someone filled my GFs head with BS and all of a sudden she was crying and etc.

 

I swore off her friend. I ignored calls, texts, etc. Things got worse. My GF acted like I wasn't even in the room. She never laughed, talked, greeted me, nothing. She came home and acted like I was a piece of furniture.

 

I found out about the ******* that lied to her and I cut him out of my life. He's terrible and I couldn't understand why someone would do these things. I swore my undying love for my GF and she responded with "needing space". I felt as if she was exploring other options and it led to her friend giving me oral sex.

 

She called me and I felt terrible, but I worked things out with her. For a minute things were nice. Then it got worse than ever. I started finding reasons not to be home. Friends, work, etc. GF pulled away harder. I pulled away too.

 

Eventually, after months of withheld affection and sex, GF decided to move out. I was so hurt. I saw she changed her status to "single" and figured she was using dating apps. I wound up accepting the lost relationship and her friend and I hooked up for real. There was no love, just sex. Yet again, she called me back. My heart sank.

 

I got together with her and we talked, it seemed good, then she stopped talking to me again. I, again, hooked up with her ex-best-friend. Then GF spent new years with me. I felt HORRIBLE! I didn't hear from her again, then her friend said she admitted to sleeping with me to her ex. I knew discovery was imminent. I ran into my ex at our bar, we came home and had a great night together (no sex).

 

I resolved to tell her and made arrangements for her to come over that evening. I went to work, was there 30 minutes and she called me SCREAMING. She found out from the friends ex. I told her I intended to tell her and she said she never wants to see us again.

 

About a week later there was a knock at my door. It was my ex. I opened the door and she FLEW AT ME. While screaming about "****ing her friend in the bar parking lot" (which NEVER HAPPENED)... She punched me in the face and I just blocked. I went to my knees, afraid to defend myself (as a man vs a woman). She kicked me A LOT. When she was done I stood up and followed her outside, there was blood on her face from a cut above her eye. I was so scared that I would go to jail. I have no idea how this would have occurred.

 

She went to my job and yelled at her friend across the bar and now all my co-workers know the whole story. (her version)

 

Since then, her friend and I have spent a few nights together, there is no love there. There is sex, but that's literally all. I am kinda tired of what we do together and I want real connection, like I had with my GF. I realize I don't probably deserve it but please give consideration to how she made me feel. I felt like a dog and so I acted like one. I have NEVER done anything like this before.

 

I really do want to be with this girl, It's been almost 3 weeks now. Is there any way to salvage this or should I just be happy I dodged a bullet here and just move on? I feel responsible for the way things worked out. I love her and I know I contributed to her feelings of inadequacy.

 

How ****ed is my head rn? What should I do atm?

[Simple Logic]

Way too much drama and too few morals sums it up.

[ItsMeYo]

Way too much drama and too few morals sums it up.

 

Really helpful. So "logically" is there any way to restore communication between me and my ex? Any way we might come out of this together. It's been almost three weeks since the beating and we haven't talked.

 

I realize how dumb I am for wanting her back. I realize I don't deserve it. I just want to know if it's possible.

 

If this is what I want, should I message her and tell her that?

[brownygoldy]

First step to working on things would be to stop hooking up with her friend. I’m surprised you haven’t realised that already?

 

Your ex was suspicious of you both before you hooked up with her friend, so you knew her feelings towards it yet you still hooked up and continue to do so. How do you ever expect to gain her trust back after you betrayed the one thing she was suspicious about? That isn’t a relationship.

 

A relationship is when you build a bond upon mutual values of trust, commitment, love, and more. You have broken these core values and in my opinion it’s going to be almost impossible for you both to have a healthy and successful relationship in the future.

 

You’ve betrayed her not once but many times, going back to the friend when you know it means nothing, this shows your lack of willpower and your tendency to act selfishly for the wrong reasons. Also, her friend, seriously? Will she ever trust her friends and you in the same room together again? I doubt it.

 

As for her abusing you, this just affirms the toxic nature of this relationship. We’re all human beings and have these capabilities within us and when they are ignited we know something is WRONG, not right.

 

My best bet would be for you to sincerely apologise to her so she can get some form of closure and for both of you to walk away, and if this friend really means nothing to you, walk away from that too as it’s just drama all around.

[Simple Logic]

Really helpful. So "logically" is there any way to restore communication between me and my ex? Any way we might come out of this together. It's been almost three weeks since the beating and we haven't talked.

 

I realize how dumb I am for wanting her back. I realize I don't deserve it. I just want to know if it's possible.

 

If this is what I want, should I message her and tell her that?

 

“Logically” no way in hell you sleep with your GF’s friend and return to good graces.

[ItsMeYo]

I really do want to know what people think. Is it doing any harm to try to communicate? Would it be better to wait a while?

 

Any advice is helpful... aside from apathy. We were broken up at the time and I understand that does little to help what happened... still. I have seen people overcome worse.

[Simple Logic]

I really do want to know what people think. Is it doing any harm to try to communicate? Would it be better to wait a while?

 

Any advice is helpful... aside from apathy. We were broken up at the time and I understand that does little to help what happened... still. I have seen people overcome worse.

 

Send her a message if that makes you fell better, but I would expect no response or an FOl

[Orokotikki]

Chalk this up as a loss.

 

Learn from it to be more sensitive to your partner's needs, obviously her need to feel secure in the relationship was effectively ignored.

 

You are lucky she left you when she did, as you probably would have cheated if she hadn't (maybe during some rough patch), but at least you can tell yourself you didn't cheat.

 

Leave both girls alone and move on. There's no resurrecting this and you will never convince her you weren't cheating all along.

[Highndry]

You're right, total dumpster fire. I'd chalk it up as lots of lessons as to "what NOT to do in life" and move on.

[ItsMeYo]

I realize where I'm at with this. Please give any advice on what I could possibly say, any way I could move forward with her would be helpful.

 

I appreciate you all being kind. I just wonder if there is any way I could talk to her at all that would make her feel better. Anything I could do that would get us on speaking terms would really help. Thank you all.

[Normm]

How did she get a cut above her eye while you were defending yourself?

[Rayce]

Dang... What do you expect? Your sleeping with her friend and playing them against each other. It's a betrayal of course she is upset. If she was smart she would go NC and you would never hear from her again.

[ItsMeYo]

How did she get a cut above her eye while you were defending yourself?

 

She wouldn't say. I can only imagine some accident in her fit of rage. Nothing I did could have done it.

 

Dang... What do you expect? Your sleeping with her friend and playing them against each other. It's a betrayal of course she is upset. If she was smart she would go NC and you would never hear from her again.

 

I haven't heard from her in nearly a month. I didn't play anyone against anyone tho. You must have misread something. Idk where you got that at all.

[Mrin]

This sort of trauma needs a good 9 - 12 months of NC before even opening the door again.

[Rayce]

You are sleeping with your g/f's friend. Then going back and forth between them. That is playing them against each other. Why not cheat with a stranger? Why her friend? Why? What kind of head game is that?

[ItsMeYo]

This sort of trauma needs a good 9 - 12 months of NC before even opening the door again.

 

You're saying give it more time. That actually helps and makes me feel better at the same time. I can't escape the feeling of a ticking clock. But this makes me feel like time is on my side. Thanks.

 

You are sleeping with your g/f's friend. Then going back and forth between them. That is playing them against each other. Why not cheat with a stranger? Why her friend? Why? What kind of head game is that?

 

Cheat? So that's how you see it. This is also revealing. I figured what I did after she left was my business and just part of the risk she runs. When you leave someone, you can't complain about what they do.

 

There is no back and forth. She broke up and things happened with her friend. End of story. Read the thread before replying. Thanks anyway.

 

No games here. I honestly feel like these girls made a fool of me. Not the other way around. If all you've come here for is to judge a stranger then by all means have your fun. Just know that you are way off base.

[Rayce]

 

I felt as if she was exploring other options and it led to her friend giving me oral sex.

 

I got together with her and we talked, it seemed good, then she stopped talking to me again.

 

I, again, hooked up with her ex-best-friend.

 

Then GF spent new years with me.

 

I didn't hear from her again, then her friend said she admitted to sleeping with me to her ex.

 

Since then, her friend and I have spent a few nights together, there is no love there. There is sex, but that's literally all.

 

 

I am just telling you how I see it. You were with her friend and then you with her and then you were with her friend...that is back and forth.

[ItsMeYo]

I am just telling you how I see it. You were with her friend and then you with her and then you were with her friend...that is back and forth.

 

I mean, that's kinda fair. I just can't even describe how ****ed in the head she made me feel with all the withholding affection, all the times she ignored me when she came home. Then constantly leaving me and coming back...

 

I guess maybe you've answered my question after all. She was obviously looking for a way out. A way she could leave and never question it. She has it now and she's likely gone for good.

 

She knew what she was leaving me with. She ****ed my head up and left and her friend was there and I'd have done anything to feel better. I guess it did work. At least for a while.

 

I just wish I could tell her things from my perspective. I wish she knew how badly I was hurt in the beginning. I tried to tell her before anything ever happened. She didn't listen and she just kept saying I already hurt her and etc. Even before anything happened.

 

I hate this. This is the worst thing I've ever been thru. I really wish she and I could have an open conversation about it, but I have no clue how to make that happen. Obviously no one here does either.

[isolatedgothic]

"She knew what she was leaving me with. She ****ed my head up and left and her friend was there and I'd have done anything to feel better. I guess it did work. At least for a while."

 

It sounds like you have zero control over yourself.

 

So now you are trying to blame her for this. It was all pre-planned by her and you were set up. That's what you're saying.

 

This is a case of triangulation, and it's all about power and control. Now you want her back, but you're going to blame her for this and hope she's okay with that.

 

I do hope she stays away. I foresee more of the same if she returns.

[ItsMeYo]

"She knew what she was leaving me with. She ****ed my head up and left and her friend was there and I'd have done anything to feel better. I guess it did work. At least for a while."

 

It sounds like you have zero control over yourself.

 

So now you are trying to blame her for this. It was all pre-planned by her and you were set up. That's what you're saying.

 

This is a case of triangulation, and it's all about power and control. Now you want her back, but you're going to blame her for this and hope she's okay with that.

 

I do hope she stays away. I foresee more of the same if she returns.

 

Cynical logic on your part. You weren't there, man. You don't know these girls. You don't know me. I came for specific advice. No one can help. I get it. Thanks anyway.

 

I just want to know when/how it may be possible to talk to her about it. I feel like that much, at least, would be good for everyone involved. She was lied to, she thinks it's worse than it is... That's horrible. I can't imagine how bad she's hurting. I just want to make it right.

 

I blame only myself.

[Rayce]

I feel for you.... really I do and I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I have been your gf where my bf (it was my H) slept with my best f... even though it was years and years ago and I've have forgiven them but never really gotten over it. Even if she was lied too it would be really hard for you to convince her otherwise. From your gf perspective she lost 2 people in her life that meant something to her. It's a betrayal. Maybe you can just write a letter and mail it to her and leave it with an opening to contact you if she wants.

 

Good luck

[ItsMeYo]

I feel for you.... really I do and I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I have been your gf where my bf (it was my H) slept with my best f... even though it was years and years ago and I've have forgiven them but never really gotten over it. Even if she was lied too it would be really hard for you to convince her otherwise. From your gf perspective she lost 2 people in her life that meant something to her. It's a betrayal. Maybe you can just write a letter and mail it to her and leave it with an opening to contact you if she wants.

 

Good luck

 

Yeah, I understand. My question is basically, how to proceed. I intend to contact her and I want the best outcome. I accept that we are not together and I accept we may never be together again. But NO ONE can conclude that we never will be based on the current situation. Love is stupid like that.

 

Hell, the best friend is getting back with her ex after 5 months now... She screwed every guy in the city (including me) in the interim and finally told him the hairy details of all of it. They're doing pretty well in their talks, last I heard.

 

My questions lie in this: Should I contact her basically apologizing? Should I go straight into "ok here's what happened". Should I address the fact that she was lied to (and point her to people who can sort out the truth for her)? Should I just say "Hey, I hate how things ended, hope you're doing well."

 

I really don't know the best way to move forward but I WILL move forward.

 

My best guess atm is to send a message that says:

"I am so sorry for how things ended. I was very hurt and made decisions that I can't stand by now that some time has passed. That's not an excuse and I know we're not together because of decisions I made. I never meant to hurt you and I regret it every day."

 

(I also consider adding a statement in there that says how I thought she was just stringing me along, because truly, I did.

 

 

"I am so sorry for how things ended. I was very hurt, because I thought you were stringing me along, and I made decisions that I can't stand by now that some time has passed. That's not an excuse and I know we're not together because of decisions I made. I never meant to hurt you and I regret it every day."

 

I hold NO expectations of reconciliation, but I want to let her know I still think of her. I want her to know I am sorry. I think she deserves an apology.

 

I wonder if it is possible to convey, at all, that I really never thought I'd see her again and that I truly never meant to hurt her. I thought it was over and when I had a chance at making things work with her I couldn't turn it down.

 

I'm considering both, possibly just one first, then the other. Simple apology and then give it some time. Then a longer explanation of where I was at the time and then let it be. If she talks to me, great, if not... I'll be fine just as I am forcing myself to be now.

Edited February 8, 2019 by ItsMeYo

[ItsMeYo]

"I am so sorry for how things ended. I was very hurt, because I thought you were stringing me along, and I made decisions that I can't stand by now that some time has passed. That's not an excuse and I know we're not together because of decisions I made. I never meant to hurt you and I regret it every day."

 

I wound up sending this message. She replied the next morning. She kept talking with me in text and finally called. In the call I asked if she would like to meet. She was very upset. She cried a lot. We discussed what led up to this from both of our perspectives. I made it clear I knew I was in the wrong.

 

She expressed her feelings "Why did it have to be her?" "It was the DAY I left?!?" etc.

 

After a while of talking and even holding hands, she sat on my lap and I comforted her. She asked me to take her to my place. I did and we had a fantastic, intimate night.

 

We've been texting today. I realize that it's not gonna be a straight shot, but anything is better than leaving it how it was. I can't stand that I made her feel like she wasn't good enough or that she was going crazy.

 

Any advice for moving forward?