I'm scared to keep asking my friends for support after a breakup, anyone else?

[BeRespectful]

After breaking up, my friends checked on me right away and for the first week were happy to talk to me. It's been a few weeks and I've been having really dark thoughts.

 

I want to tell my friends these dark thoughts I've been having, but I'm scared of scaring them away. I'm also concerned that if I spend time with them or hang out with them, my devastation will leak through and they'll start to think of me as a miserable/unfun person.

 

I've been keeping some distance from them as I don't want them to see me at my worst, and I don't want to scare them away.

[basil67]

Hi BR, this is where counselling or therapy comes in. It's a safe place to share your feelings without judgement while also received trained support.

 

You can also post here. Though you do get what you pay for

[LivingWaterPlease]

Do you have any family you can talk with about it?

[d0nnivain]

I think most people will give you a pass in the aftermath of a break up. Try to spend time with your friends. Isolation is making things worse.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. Your friends will offer support, if you tell them how you are feeling.

 

But I agree, this is the time to reach out for counselling support. Call a hotline, find a counsellor, talk to your doctor - especially if you have suicidal thoughts.

 

There is no shame in seeking support if you are struggling to deal with a breakup. But - you do need help to learn the tools to cope this disappointment and the feelings you are having... particularly because you will have othe disappointments in life, and you need to know how to handle it.

[FMW]

I agree with the others, find a counselor with whom to talk all of this out and get strategies for coping.

 

Don't hide that you're having a hard time from your friends though. Let them be there for you to the extent they are willing and able. Also understand that if they do seem to tire of hearing about it the reason may be their attempt (because they care about you and seeing you in pain makes them unhappy) to encourage you to move on and stop dwelling on it. That's why a counselor is the best option - they will stay on topic and help you move through it.

[salparadise]

Counseling/therapy is good, and you should definitely do that. However, it's only part of the equation. The quality is excellent if you have a good counselor, but it's one hour a week usually, so not enough quantity. It may take awhile to get an appointment, and it's not guaranteed that you'll click with the first choice.

 

This is [always] a problem when dealing with grief, and that's what the aftermath of a breakup is. You need to talk it out, and yes, we do have more need than any one friend can reasonably be expected to absorb. It may be many months before you don't have a need to talk. Some people understand it and have the capacity and willingness to give and give.

 

Figure out if you're lucky enough to have one of these friends, and if so, tell them you're hurting and need support. Ask them if it's okay to lean on them beyond what would be the tolerance of an average friend. I was lucky to have one such friend when I went through the same not too long ago. This friend would talk to me for hours, and he'd call me! He stepped up and I didn't even have to ask.

 

Avail yourself of as many resources as possible. There are groups for this too. A grief group would be appropriate, but you probably should ask if they welcome people who are grieving over losses other than the death of a loved one. Other socializing will help too when you're ready, meaning able to not dwell on it every minute of every day. It took me about three months before I caught myself momentarily having pleasant thoughts about other things. But I still needed to talk pretty often, even after a year. Join meetups, pool or bowling leagues, anything to get you out and around people.

 

And keep posting here. Tell your story. There are lots of kind, empathetic people here. You just have to ignore those who are overly harsh and critical.

 

Self talk should include the acceptance that everything is temporary, time heals and you will feel a tiny bit better each day (though it may take awhile to seem like it), you will love and be loved again, you are a good person and deserve to be loved (what happened was in spite of your intrinsic value), and focus on resilience ––putting one foot in front of the other. Give yourself some time but keep living your life. It may feel like the end of something significant... but the other side of the same coin is a new beginning with unlimited possibilities.

 

Hang in there. How you feel is not who you are. It's transient.

[chryssy83]

I think about this because I’m still leaning heavily on friends and family months after my divorce began. First, try talking to someone and don’t feel like you can’t mention that you worry about burning them out. If they say that you can call any time etc believe them.

 

Get into counseling. Consider journaling and then using the journal to help you develop an agenda for when you are back at counseling. That person is paid and trained to help you. For suicidal thoughts call a hotline.

[Fair]

I'm going to go against popular opinion on these forums 'again', and say I think you're wise to be a little bit reticent around your friends. They may care about you but people in general do back off when someone else is going through hard times especially if you talk too much. It's just the way it is.

 

Counselling is a great idea.

[salparadise]

I think you're wise to be a little bit reticent around your friends. They may care about you but people in general do back off when someone else is going through hard times especially if you talk too much. It's just the way it is.

 

 

I think it depends on the particular friend. Everyone is different. There will be those who are only good-time friends, some who are willing to provide support once or twice, and others who are almost unlimited. The unlimited ones are pretty rare but they do exist, and it may not be the person you would've guessed.

 

So yea, you're wise to be cognizant of and sensitive to each friend's willingness to share your burden and act accordingly. OP, you sound to me like she may be holding back too much though. Don't pretend to be okay when you're not. When you sense that a friend has reached their tolerance limit, thank them for the support and move along (on a momentary basis, not permanently). True friends are NOT just there for the good times, real friends will understand. The others... you may want to change their label to acquaintance or GTOF (good time only friend).

 

As for the dark thoughts that you did not elaborate on... if these are suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. They are trained to help, and they're damn good. Call and talk it through.

Edited February 1, 2019 by salparadise

[d0nnivain]

I am generally in favor of counseling when there is a legitimate problem & need for professional medical input.

 

Being sad or upset after a break up is NORMAL. It's not unusual. It's not a disease. It's not even being clinically depressed which is a medical condition.

 

The fact that as humans we have so disconnected from each other that people think they can't rely on their friends & family in the aftermath of a break up and now have to pay a stranger to listen is a sad commentary on society.

[Twizzlestick]

I am generally in favor of counseling when there is a legitimate problem & need for professional medical input.

 

Being sad or upset after a break up is NORMAL. It's not unusual. It's not a disease. It's not even being clinically depressed which is a medical condition.

 

The fact that as humans we have so disconnected from each other that people think they can't rely on their friends & family in the aftermath of a break up and now have to pay a stranger to listen is a sad commentary on society.

 

Isn’t it about mitigating suffering rather than having a disease?

 

I don’t see it as one or the other. I’ve no interest in wearing rele suffering as a matter of pride, anything to shake it. I’ve found counselling incredibly helpful alongside my friends and family, not only in piecing apart what went wrong with my rele, but also problems caused by work. I still use friends and family, but they’re only so good as they don’t really know what to say half the time. It’s personal but I’ve benefitted from it and talking to someone who can give illumination about things.

[d0nnivain]

I'm all for mitigating suffering but if you can't rely on your friends in the aftermath of a break up then you need better friends.

[stillafool]

They aren't very good friends if you can't tell them your darkest thoughts without being judged.

 

If your thoughts are too dark maybe it would be best to talk to a therapist.

[FMW]

I recently had an experience with a friend that made me comment the way I did earlier.

 

I've been trying to get over heartbreak over the end of a relationship for a while now. One of my friends did finally reach her limit with hearing about it. She despises the guy and can't stand to hear anything more about him because she doesn't understand why I can't just move on. She is constantly trying to distract me with activities and encouraging my interest in other men. But she pretty much refuses to talk anymore or hear any more about the guy who broke my heart.

 

I was hurt by that reaction, but honestly I see where she's coming from. I just don't agree with it. So that's why I would lean toward counseling - in addition to getting it off of your chest you would get constructive feedback on how to move on - not just hear how you can do better, that it's his loss, and all those other cliches that friends tell you because they love you, but really aren't that helpful if you're having a hard time moving on.

[paisleypanther]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Breakups are the biggest pains in the ass, and it's especially difficult when you feel like you have nobody to support you.

 

When my ex dumped me two months ago, it was so painful. I most definitely felt like my life was falling apart and I had a lot of bad thoughts. Chances are, you probably feel the same way. When in that pit of sadness, it can be hard to reach out for help. But good friends are good friends through the good times and the bad ones! I understand what it's like to be scared of asking friends for help. You said you don't want them to think you're a miserable person, but that shouldn't happen. They may realize you feel miserable, but that doesn't mean you ARE miserable. I know what that's like though. I would always say things like "I'm so lame" or "I'm so awkward," but then I realized that's not my constant state of existence. It's just how I feel at a moment. And I promise you, while this may feel like forever, it won't last forever.

 

Here are some useful tips I found when asking friends for breakup support:

 

Be sure you're talking to friends who have been through breakups before. I say this because I have friends who have not been through breakups, and describing my experience is like describing the fourth dimension to them . Friends who have not been through breakups definitely want to support you, but they might not be the most helpful.

 

Use your experience to help comfort others who might be experiencing something similar. Right before I was dumped, my sister went through a super nasty breakup with her boyfriend of two and a half years. Whenever I started getting sad or sentimental about my ex, I would realize how much pain my sister also must be going through. I could reach out to her and tell her I understand her struggle and I'm sorry for the pain she must be experiencing. It's honestly cathartic and it helps you realize you aren't suffering alone.

 

Remember, you have a right to ask for support from your friends. That's what friends are for ! But like I said, I know how tough getting out of that pit can be. Honestly, I'd say be open to your friends about these insecurities. Maybe say something along the lines of "Hey I've been having a really rough time this week and I think I need some support. Maybe we can get some coffee and chat about it?" Sometimes being straightforward, no matter how intimidating it might be, is the best way to get your needs met. Because it sounds like your need for support in your friendships isn't getting met.

 

Also, this isn't a surrogate for the support of friends, but also considering visiting a therapist if you aren't already. I started going back to therapy after my breakup, and it helped me put everything into perspective and heal.

 

I hope you're able to get the love and comfort you deserve

[BeRespectful]

Hi lovely people, sorry for my late reply, I haven't been doing too well and found it difficult to even go on a computer, I'm a bit better now though.

 

Hi BR, this is where counselling or therapy comes in. It's a safe place to share your feelings without judgement while also received trained support.

 

You can also post here. Though you do get what you pay for

 

I asked my therapist if he can help with trauma but he said he doesn't specialize in it. I didn't find our sessions helpful during my last breakup 7 years ago.

 

Do you have any family you can talk with about it?

 

I told my mother and father a summary what had happened, they were very comforting and understanding. But I still feel the need to hide certain thoughts from them, suicidal ones in particular.

 

I think most people will give you a pass in the aftermath of a break up. Try to spend time with your friends. Isolation is making things worse.

 

I started off spending time with friends, I still feel bad showing them me at my worst :/ at the same time you're right, isolation has made things worse.

 

Indeed. Your friends will offer support, if you tell them how you are feeling.

 

But I agree, this is the time to reach out for counselling support. Call a hotline, find a counsellor, talk to your doctor - especially if you have suicidal thoughts.

 

There is no shame in seeking support if you are struggling to deal with a breakup. But - you do need help to learn the tools to cope this disappointment and the feelings you are having... particularly because you will have othe disappointments in life, and you need to know how to handle it.

 

I asked my therapist if he specialized in counselling but he doesn't and didn't know anyone to refer me too. I called a hotline and it was helpful in the moment.

 

Counseling/therapy is good, and you should definitely do that. However, it's only part of the equation. The quality is excellent if you have a good counselor, but it's one hour a week usually, so not enough quantity. It may take awhile to get an appointment, and it's not guaranteed that you'll click with the first choice.

 

This is [always] a problem when dealing with grief, and that's what the aftermath of a breakup is. You need to talk it out, and yes, we do have more need than any one friend can reasonably be expected to absorb. It may be many months before you don't have a need to talk. Some people understand it and have the capacity and willingness to give and give.

 

Figure out if you're lucky enough to have one of these friends, and if so, tell them you're hurting and need support. Ask them if it's okay to lean on them beyond what would be the tolerance of an average friend. I was lucky to have one such friend when I went through the same not too long ago. This friend would talk to me for hours, and he'd call me! He stepped up and I didn't even have to ask.

 

Avail yourself of as many resources as possible. There are groups for this too. A grief group would be appropriate, but you probably should ask if they welcome people who are grieving over losses other than the death of a loved one. Other socializing will help too when you're ready, meaning able to not dwell on it every minute of every day. It took me about three months before I caught myself momentarily having pleasant thoughts about other things. But I still needed to talk pretty often, even after a year. Join meetups, pool or bowling leagues, anything to get you out and around people.

 

And keep posting here. Tell your story. There are lots of kind, empathetic people here. You just have to ignore those who are overly harsh and critical.

 

Self talk should include the acceptance that everything is temporary, time heals and you will feel a tiny bit better each day (though it may take awhile to seem like it), you will love and be loved again, you are a good person and deserve to be loved (what happened was in spite of your intrinsic value), and focus on resilience ––putting one foot in front of the other. Give yourself some time but keep living your life. It may feel like the end of something significant... but the other side of the same coin is a new beginning with unlimited possibilities.

 

Hang in there. How you feel is not who you are. It's transient.

 

Thanks so much. Regarding counselling my therapist said he didn't specialize in that. It's great you had a friend that would call you, I think that's an issue I'm having. Most of my friends are long distance so I've been talking to them through text, calling would probably be more calming.

 

I think about this because I’m still leaning heavily on friends and family months after my divorce began. First, try talking to someone and don’t feel like you can’t mention that you worry about burning them out. If they say that you can call any time etc believe them.

 

Get into counseling. Consider journaling and then using the journal to help you develop an agenda for when you are back at counseling. That person is paid and trained to help you. For suicidal thoughts call a hotline.

 

Writing everything out like a journal has actually helped a bit. I never want what my ex and I had to become meaningless, that's my greatest fear.

 

I'm going to go against popular opinion on these forums 'again', and say I think you're wise to be a little bit reticent around your friends. They may care about you but people in general do back off when someone else is going through hard times especially if you talk too much. It's just the way it is.

 

Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel.

 

I think it depends on the particular friend. Everyone is different. There will be those who are only good-time friends, some who are willing to provide support once or twice, and others who are almost unlimited. The unlimited ones are pretty rare but they do exist, and it may not be the person you would've guessed.

 

So yea, you're wise to be cognizant of and sensitive to each friend's willingness to share your burden and act accordingly. OP, you sound to me like she may be holding back too much though. Don't pretend to be okay when you're not. When you sense that a friend has reached their tolerance limit, thank them for the support and move along (on a momentary basis, not permanently). True friends are NOT just there for the good times, real friends will understand. The others... you may want to change their label to acquaintance or GTOF (good time only friend).

 

As for the dark thoughts that you did not elaborate on... if these are suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. They are trained to help, and they're damn good. Call and talk it through.

 

Thanks, I called a local hotline once and it helped a bit.

 

They aren't very good friends if you can't tell them your darkest thoughts without being judged.

 

If your thoughts are too dark maybe it would be best to talk to a therapist.

 

I told one of them my fears and they said that true friends wouldn't let that get in the way, so for them it felt like a bit of a relief.

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Breakups are the biggest pains in the ass, and it's especially difficult when you feel like you have nobody to support you.

 

When my ex dumped me two months ago, it was so painful. I most definitely felt like my life was falling apart and I had a lot of bad thoughts. Chances are, you probably feel the same way. When in that pit of sadness, it can be hard to reach out for help. But good friends are good friends through the good times and the bad ones! I understand what it's like to be scared of asking friends for help. You said you don't want them to think you're a miserable person, but that shouldn't happen. They may realize you feel miserable, but that doesn't mean you ARE miserable. I know what that's like though. I would always say things like "I'm so lame" or "I'm so awkward," but then I realized that's not my constant state of existence. It's just how I feel at a moment. And I promise you, while this may feel like forever, it won't last forever.

 

Here are some useful tips I found when asking friends for breakup support:

 

Be sure you're talking to friends who have been through breakups before. I say this because I have friends who have not been through breakups, and describing my experience is like describing the fourth dimension to them . Friends who have not been through breakups definitely want to support you, but they might not be the most helpful.

 

Use your experience to help comfort others who might be experiencing something similar. Right before I was dumped, my sister went through a super nasty breakup with her boyfriend of two and a half years. Whenever I started getting sad or sentimental about my ex, I would realize how much pain my sister also must be going through. I could reach out to her and tell her I understand her struggle and I'm sorry for the pain she must be experiencing. It's honestly cathartic and it helps you realize you aren't suffering alone.

 

Remember, you have a right to ask for support from your friends. That's what friends are for ! But like I said, I know how tough getting out of that pit can be. Honestly, I'd say be open to your friends about these insecurities. Maybe say something along the lines of "Hey I've been having a really rough time this week and I think I need some support. Maybe we can get some coffee and chat about it?" Sometimes being straightforward, no matter how intimidating it might be, is the best way to get your needs met. Because it sounds like your need for support in your friendships isn't getting met.

 

Also, this isn't a surrogate for the support of friends, but also considering visiting a therapist if you aren't already. I started going back to therapy after my breakup, and it helped me put everything into perspective and heal.

 

I hope you're able to get the love and comfort you deserve

 

Thank you so much! It's great you and your sister could be there for each other at the exact same time. Being straightforward with my friends is intimidating, I don't know why, but it's like a deep anxiety in my chest. I think today I want to just write out my feelings in a journal.

[fieldoflavender]

People will get drained after a while. So be careful. I've lost a lot of friends during break-ups because I act differently too and more on edge.

 

Use this forum. Use a counsellor. Use a journal.

 

No one wants to be around negative people all the time.