Opening myself to new relationships

[hamsterhouse]

I've been single for a couple of years now which has been awesome. My last girlfriend had serious mental issues which resulted in guilting, cheating, you name it. I'm very happy without her in my life and that chapter has closed, but I find myself shutting down at the potential for new relationships.

 

I've been dating around since then, lots of misses but some hits. I'm excited to meet new women, and I'm coming into my own skin to where I'm very comfortable on dates which often end with at least a nice kiss goodnight.

 

The problem I'm having is that when I meet a nice new woman and we go out on a couple good dates, and it seems like there might be an opportunity for something to flourish, I kind of shut down and cut them out. Two women in particular come to mind. We went out on a couple nice dates, kissed a bit, and they each reached out to me wanting to see me again. I enthusiastically agreed, but then I mentally shut them out and ghosted.

 

Along with that, when I do go out with someone with some potential, I start to scrutinize them very heavily (not to their face, of course). I listen to the words they use, how they talk about certain issues or family/friends, etc.

 

Deep down, I feel that I'm trying extremely hard to never wind up with another girl like my ex, which isn't such a bad thing, but closing myself off to potential new partners is not healthy for me and I feel like it's holding me back.

 

Currently I've been talking with a new girl who I feel definitely has long term potential. We went out, spent the whole night together just hanging out and talking, there was no pressure to drink alcohol (I drink, but it's sometimes refreshing NOT to drink on a date), and we have TONS in common. That said, I find myself judging or jumping to conclusions with her. For example, "She's out with her friends tonight...they must be crappy people to be staying up late on a weeknight." It's little stuff like that, totally unjustified and coming from my own thoughts.

 

I like this girl. She seems like a very genuine and nice person, and I would love to see where things go with her, but I fear that protecting myself too much will cause me to cut her off just like all the others. I don't enjoy feeling this way and would like to fix it. Has anybody here ever had similar problems?

Edited January 31, 2019 by hamsterhouse

[Garcon1986]

This requires a lot of self discipline. You are right to recognize that you have had a bit of a rocky past, and everybody in reality, has had some bumps in the road. You are not justified however, in making her suffer for your past sufferings with your ex girlfriend. One strategy you can use is to go over some simulated scenarios in your head such as -

 

1. If she gets in a fight with you over jealousy, always pledge to fight fair. No raising of the voice. Always communicate directly.

 

2. Figure out each other's love languages and preferred manners of communication early.

 

3. Fill your life with happy things when your girlfriend is not there. That way, you are less likely to put grumpiness on her.

 

4. If she accuses you of infidelity for something small and inconsequential, come up with a response worthy of a strong man - such as I would never text another woman behind your back without your knowing about it. If on the other hand, you haven't expressed exclusivity yet, this doesn't apply.

 

5. If she closes up and gets grumpy and tests you, and refuses to explain why she is grumpy, refuse to let that get to you. Turn it into a humorous moment. Maybe do a little tickle me Elmo.

 

 

And so and so forth. Brainstorm scenes from your past where your relationship went wrong. Then think how you would have approached it a little differently. Then you'll be ready when your lovely new lady throws tests at you, if she is that sort of person. A lot of women here have stated that they throw unconscious poop tests at men, just to see how they will react - it's your job to stay calm no matter what. Of course if you recognize personality issues, come back and brainstorm with us.

 

In summary - the answer you are looking for is inner calm. Be the Rock of Gibraltar which will not be damaged by any test a woman can throw at you.

[d0nnivain]

You have to remind yourself that these new women are not your EX & just because your EX acted a certain way does not mean these women will be like this.

 

When you find yourself being judgmental say to yourself that you have to give her a chance. That is not to say ignore red flags but you don't have to assume every little thing is a sign of pending doom