Could this turn things around?

[Orije]

Hello Loveshack,

It has been a long while since I've been on this site since it seemed to be down. I am currently in a dilemma with my own thoughts on how to proceed in this situation.

 

I'm 24 and my ex is 21, we dated for 2 years to which things got bad and she broke my heart. We kept in contact for a year as friends with benefits and hung out while I worked on myself. During this time she was trying to get us back together, but me being hurt, I kept pushing her away.

 

2 months ago we had a conversation about how hard it might be for us to get back together again and the possibility being low, but I still loved her dearly I was just recovering and felt she deserved better. After a month and a half I felt a whole lot different and better and regret what I said to her and wanted to fix things.

 

We talked on the phone for a few hours about fixing things and she stated she was not sure. She already went on a date to see how it feels to try something new and that I pushed her away to the point that she felt like she had to truly move on. She said she still loved and cared for me. Also saying no to currently starting things over. We talked about how in 6 months we will see where our lives are and if one of us reaches out maybe we could go out to eat and see how we feel. It has been a little while since we last talked, but this is my dilemma.

 

I wanted to get her something on Valentines day, get her a hand written note, her favorite candle, rose and favorite candy. Not sure if it's too much. I didnt know if to surprise her at her house or drop it off at her door? Should I give it to her the day of or before and ask her out on a date? This would be my last real attempt at fixing things before I go no contact. I know everyone is different when it comes to winning over the heart of a loved one. What is your take on it?

[Twizzlestick]

When you say broke your heart are you able to share what happened? don’t feel pressured to if you don’t wish to, it’s your personal story. I’m guessing an indiscretion on her part or some sort of betrayal to break your heart.

 

You mention you worked on yourself, but has she changed if she broke your heart? If cheating were a factor she’d need to do some serious work (that means reflection and taking ownership for ones choices) herself and then come to the table in the true spirit of reconciliation. Highly likely you’d both blow apart again.

 

Do you know what she was up to during your last year apart? Perhaps she had another man during your ending and it went south then wanted back with you. (Huge guess warning!!). Can’t help re where you’re at. Sounds like she’s off trying other things.

 

You don’t run to the arms of another man because someone pushes you away. That’s tosh she’s peddling you. Unless she’s mental low self worth and needs constant validation from a man and can’t exist on her own. I’m getting the impression something external went south for her, she ran back to you whilst keeping one eye on her options and now has the “oh what’s that over there” curiosity back again

 

Personally I wouldn’t get her a valentines thing, that’s for couples. Is she getting you one? Bet not.

[Orije]

What happened to cause the break up was I caught her talking to other guys and flirting(nothing physical) while I've been picking up more hours at work. It's was my fault that I was busy, but I had debts to pay and since she was free she looked for the attention.

 

We did talk/have sex in and off for the year after the relationship ended. At first she seemed the same, but I noticed she changed and she tried to cheer me up, do nice things for me and hang out. I was still heartbroken and in depression due to school debt so I was working 70+ hours a week, so i didnt notice her change and wanting to fix things until it was too late. She didnt date anyone then until recently as she told me from the conversation

 

My debt and worries were all removed and I felt better with time off so I felt like this is my chance to show I want to give us a try. I know she loves romance and surprises so I thought the valentines idea would work, but i dont want to come off as too strong or weird Haha. This is the last real idea before i go no contact

Edited January 31, 2019 by Orije

[Twizzlestick]

What happened to cause the break up was I caught her talking to other guys and flirting(nothing physical) while I've been picking up more hours at work. It's was my fault that I was busy, but I had debts to pay and since she was free she looked for the attention.

 

We did talk/have sex in and off for the year after the relationship ended. At first she seemed the same, but I noticed she changed and she tried to cheer me up, do nice things for me and hang out. I was still heartbroken and in depression due to school debt so I was working 70+ hours a week, so i didnt notice her change and wanting to fix things until it was too late. She didnt date anyone then until recently as she told me from the conversation

 

My debt and worries were all removed and I felt better with time off so I felt like this is my chance to show I want to give us a try. I know she loves romance and surprises so I thought the valentines idea would work, but i dont want to come off as too strong or weird Haha. This is the last real idea before i go no contact

 

You’re shouldering all this yourself. Two things..

 

Knock on the head any notion about her flirting with other men being your fault. That’s a separate action and a choice she made inside the rele. There’s no “get out of jail free card” on that one. Like saying to the judge “he made me steal the car sir”.

 

Granted flirting with other men isn’t necessarily an obstacle that both can’t overcome, but it’s indicative of someone who doesn’t have respect for their partner and has one eye on the exit door.

 

What is on your plate is the stresses and lifestyle and how they impacted you both. But sounds like you’ve done some work on that. And that’s really good.

 

Understand this. There’s two separate factors going on here, her willingness to look elsewhere and your bits and pieces. You’ve done work on yourself and have taken responsibility. Has she? Don’t buy into this notion it’s for you to love the other person to stop them running to other men. That road lies pain.

 

Sounds like you’ve not got a lot to work with this girl. I certainly wouldn’t be buying her gifts etc. Tell her you’re really keen to come together as a couple to move forward after your blip, and think you’d be great together and if she changes her mind to drop you a line” and then go NC.

 

Don’t chase the cat (I’m a fraud saying this as failed miserably at NC myself this week ).

 

You’re not alone on here. Loads of us going through your pain. Be strong young grasshopper

[d0nnivain]

We regret more in life the things we don't do so since you have been in contact all this time go ahead & try. However, after all the times you pushed her away you may have finally killed all her feelings. I don't know if a few trinkets can fix that

[Orije]

Thank you for the feedback! I feel like she might have lost her feelings for me, but when we talked she seemed hesitant since I understood I pushed her away and opened up more. So I'll go ahead and go with my last contact effort with the gift and if I hear nothing, I'll proceed onto no contact permanently.

[Orokotikki]

And when stuff gets tough, as it will eventually in all relationships, will she just starting finding another guy (as it sounds what was going on)? Or if she even just gets an inkling someone has come by she can 'trade up' to?

 

Has she changed? Like really changed?

Its your life, but I would encourage you to just move forward... Let ex's be ex's forever.

[SevenCity]

And when stuff gets tough, as it will eventually in all relationships, will she just starting finding another guy (as it sounds what was going on)? Or if she even just gets an inkling someone has come by she can 'trade up' to?

 

Has she changed? Like really changed?

Its your life, but I would encourage you to just move forward... Let ex's be ex's forever.

 

Agree. A good woman with high interest doesn’t seek attention from other guys just because you are busy. They are understanding and supportive.

 

What happens if you go away for a week? Will see seek the attention of another guy?

 

Women like this don’t change. Save yourself the heart ache.

[Orije]

This is what I'll be writing in the letter. Please let me know if anything comes off as bad or me saying the wrong words to reach out to her or if there is anything I could add. Any feedback would be amazing. Once again thank you Loveshack!

 

Dear Ex,

 

How are you? I hope school and your studies are going well. It's been awhile since I wrote a letter so I apologize for the horrible handwriting haha.

 

I mainly wanted to write to you to wish you a Happy Valentines day when the time comes and I hope you like the gifts. I know things have not gone well the last 2 years since our relationship hit a wall. I was heartbroken by what happened and pushed all feelings away and I shouldn't have pushed you away when you were trying for us. I should of learned to forgive and forget and not be haunted by our past.

 

I'm hoping you can look into your heart and give me the chance to forgive and forget what has happened this year and we can start a new chapter in our life because as I promised I love you and I see only you in my life. I'm giving this letter to you early to give enough time to ask you to be my Valentine and if you'd give me the chance of taking you out to make things right between us. You know how to contact me, if I dont hear back from you ill know your answer.

 

Love

My name ❤

[Twizzlestick]

My honest thoughts?

 

There’s a ton load of apology and forgiveness asking in there. That is like a grovel letter. You’d think you were some sort of serial cheater begging this unicorn of a lady. She has a track record of flirting with men and as you are in agony over this letter, she’s probably worrying about her makeup for this new flirt of hers.

 

You could Keep the bit about pushing away, that’s an acknowledgment just for the post break up bit and an adult thing to acknowledge. But I’d drop the rest of the cap doffing. She doesn’t deserve it.

 

I’d personally change the tone. Loose the “haha” bit. I know it’s easy to get caught in thinking you want to come across light hearted but you don’t have to. It just makes you look nervous and quite subservient. James Bond wouldn’t write ha ha. Be confident man. You’re a good bloke, yeah you had your part to play, but this girl is always looking to farm elsewhere.

 

So if we’re me I’d shorten it down. Keep it pleasant, but ditch all the begging stuff. The acknowledgment re pushing away is fair. Maybe change it up to be less emotional. Just fair and genuine.

 

The tone could be ...

 

“hope you’re well. I did push you away post break and I’m sorry I did. I was hurting at the time. I apologise. I respect your wishes. But I think we’re great, if you want to join me in a new adventure and move forward drop me a bell. Take care”

 

..Type thing

 

You’ve got a while yet. Valentines you sending this? In my job we have to deal with emergencies. Unless it needs immediate action, we’re trained to metaphorically sit on our hands for a bit. It’s to overcome our “inner chimp”. That bit of brain that wants to scream and pull all the levers, to take action. Your inner chimp will be running riot at the minute. So sit on the letter for a few days. Go for some walks and mull over what you’ve written. You’ll be suprised how your thoughts change about it.

 

But most importantly do what you feel comfortable with as even if it doesn’t work you don’t want to think “oh I wish I’d written...”

Edited February 1, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Orije]

I'll let you know how I'll update the letter, but the beginning I did is because during our relationship we always wrote letters for each other and dropped them off at random places for us to find with cute things and our thoughts in them. I was gonna send it a few days before Valentines day just to give her time to prepare and to show its genuine

[Twizzlestick]

If you’re hell bent on a letter, think it’s wise to sit on it. You’ve got ages yet. And you’ll have benefit of others thoughts on here too that will be different from mine and you can make a balanced appraisal.

 

Don’t make the mistake of thinking she thinks as you do. She’s not waiting in anticipation. She’s not in the same place or mindset. She wouldn’t bat an eyelid if it turned up on Valentine’s Day or a few days before.

 

To come across as genuine is one thing. I think she’d take a friendly fairly brief positive letter with an honest acknowledgment far more genuinely than loads of begging and romantic talk. That’s just me. Bare in mind you don’t want to sell yourself out. By begging you just look bad. Begging never worked, ever.

 

If we’re me like say I’d walk the balance between acknowledging your part briefly, keep it positive yet confident and airy. At the min it reads like you’re rolling your whole being onto her and that fills her with confidence and actually worsens your appeal.

 

You want her to read it and smile a bit, not frown because it’s sad and remorseful.

 

Good luck. I do the same as you, run things past people on here. As the same as I can be more balanced about others positions, when you’re in your own it’s impossible. Same for me

 

Take your time, don’t be rushed.

[Orije]

Any other thoughts or opinions from anyone else? All feedback would be wonderful, thanks!

[Orije]

So an update.. I had to drop something off at her house that was hers. I did so early in the morning right when I got off work and we texted the day before so she knows I'll be there to drop it off. I drop her item and the gifts I got her including the updated and shortened letter.

 

She got the items and I was ready to head out, but I got a text "couldn't you see me". I stopped in my tracks went back to the door and there she was. We exchanged hellos and she said thank you for the gifts, but I didnt have to. We talked and I said as long as you got the letter it's all good.

 

She shrugged her shoulders and said she doesnt know right now and I said I understand that's why I wanted to give it to you early, I just didnt expect you to be awake when I dropped it off and see you. We said byes and I got a text a little bit later saying i looked nice and another thank you. I said your welcome and that was it.

 

 

So i guess now it's time for me to begin no contact and move on from seeing her answer. Thank you everyone!