So many clichés, so obvious... how come I cant stop it?

[pepperbird]

op,

if you really want to stop her wedding, then all it may take is for you to be honest with this guy.

I know you may think that's none of your business, but in a way, you've made it yours. You have provided his soon to be wife with a side relationship, allowing her to use him for security, stability whatever while using your relationship with her for other things.

 

 

 

On another note, what are you doing to be there for your wife right now? Unless you've done this before or she is a complete pragmatist, this can't be an easy time for her.

[oldlion]

ManMar,

I don't think sex is everything but I do think it's a major part of a marriage. My military career took me around the world several times. In all the people, in all the countries, and all the cultures, not once did I ever encounter anyone who got married not to have sex. So I must assume, from this, that sex is an integral part of a marriage everywhere (it is for me anyway). I think you view sex like it's viewed in places where men are allowed to have more than one wife. I also know of a couple of places where women are allowed to have more than one husband. Sex is more of a recreational activity than an intimate act. I think you lean more toward an emotional connection. I may be completely wrong but that is what I gather from what you have written. By the way, I would still place that bet that you and her are a long ways from being done with each other. Also, in the marriage ceremony, where you live, is there a part when the officiator ask if anyone has any objections to this marriage? I can picture your wife standing up and saying "I object". That would really bring things to a dead halt. I do wish you well.

[BourneWicked]

Hey ManMar,

 

While there are some really great responses, so many are also judgey and opinionated, so sorry for that.

 

To me, although you could be retelling your story to put yourself in a better light, I think it speaks well of your character that you initially didn't understand why she was flirting with you, or act on it. And yeah, I get how quickly your point of view can change once you realize someone is interested in you...

 

I am of the opinion that, (which has nothing to do with what you chose to do, or not to do) if you and your wife are happy, and you truly believe you can close the door on this once this woman has moved on, I don't think the pain is worth the telling.

 

Speaking as someone with a bad father figure that also got into a situation like this; there are millions of women like us. When I was little, my mom told me that my father had started a family with someone else. A million other things might have brought me to the same point as you but somewhere, at the back of my mind, I know that part of it is I can love someone with complete abandon, because I am the escape. I am the plan B. He couldn't leave me, break my heart, because he was never mine to begin with.

 

Basically, I repeat torture myself with some sad semblance of love, and chase it with pain, jealousy, and abandonment, because in my earliest years, that's what a man taught me that love feels like.

 

Not sure if it helps to think of yourself as some version of a father who disappointed her (and will only continue to disappoint her due to your inability to commit) but thought I would share that piece of it. It's only a piece. It might not be her reality. But when you thought - why is she doing this? That could be part of it.

 

Take care.

[pepperbird]

How'd you make out at the wedding?

[mark clemson]

So, what ever happened with you, ManMar?

[TammyFLA]

ManMar it sounds like you know this situation cannot continue but you don’t know how to execute the action plan- or even compose it.

 

Unfortunately either your wife or the OW is going to get hurt in the outcome of ending one of the relationships. You as well will suffer. I think you have to figure out which path to take.

 

I hope you can figure it out with minimal pain for everyone.