What sort of marrige is this?

[Ymint]

This is my second marriage and I've married for nearly four years. I have two children (one a teenager) from my previous marriage.

 

There have been so many problems in my marriage and I'm tired of dealing with them. I have told my husband that I'm unhappy with our problems and the fact that the issues don't seem to be solvable but he just sticks his head in the sand and pretends like I've not said anything or that there is nothing wrong. We've been to counselling and I think the counsellor is good but my husband just doesn't seem to realize how important the issues are and doesn't modify his behaviour.

 

One of the most important issues is for me is that there is not intimacy in our relationship. Some people don't believe in sex before marriage but my husband doesn't seem to believe in sex after marriage. Things were great before we got married but only a short time after we married, the intimacy flew out the window (he became dis-interested). I know that a lot of stressful things happened for us both (but mainly for him) shortly after we married but that was four years ago and the intimacy hasn't improved, in fact it's been months since we've been intimate.

 

We share a room and a house but that's about as deep as our relationships seems to be. I mean, we do things together like friends or companions and seem to be great at co-jointly managing the house and finances but there is no physical intimacy and I feel no connection on an emotional level with him.

 

He wants to hold my hand when we are out and cuddle on the lounge but thats often where it ends. When I ask why things are like this he comes up with dozens of excuses. He keeps assuring me it's nothing to do with me. I used to try and keep things spiced up but after years of indifference on his part, I realized I was wasting my time so I don't bother anymore. I get the message 'He just NOT interested'.

 

I am starting to dread the weekends. Saturday nights seem to have the same old pattern, he drinks to much and inevitable ends up falling asleep on the lounge. He did this again last night and didn't get to bed until 3.30 a.m. this morning. Him coming to bed late always wakes me up. This morning, I couldn't get back to sleep (because I was upset) and I've been awake ever since (it's now 8 a.m. and I'm starting to feel tired). I am really fed up of this and he knows how much it upsets me but he keeps doing it. He says he doesn't do this on purpose but to my way of thinking, he knows what happens when he drinks and sits in front of t.v. so with that knowlege he still does it and the inevitable happens so I think it is on purpose. I have tried a few times to wake him up when he's fallen asleep but he just gets mad at me. The next day he's usually remorseful and again, says he didn't do it on purpose. I am starting to think I'll just sleep in the spare room on the weekends and he can just do what he likes. However, he hates it when I sleep in the spare room.

 

Things got really bad earlier on this year and I felt like I was living with a virtual stranger. I even said this to him in front of the counsellor. I told him that I wanted to end the marriage as I don't love him anymore, we've just grown too far apart. He just went into damage control mode and tried to fix things up saying how much he loves me, how stupid he's been etc. I have given him more than one second chance but inevitably, things go back to the way they were.

 

The last time we went to counselling and the counsellor said that he was concerned that although he had seen us on a number of occasions over the years, that the problems did not seem to get resolved. I said at that point that I didn't believe that the problems were resolvable, and that I wanted to end the marriage and stop feeling this pain. The counsellor suggested that one option would be to put a time limit on things and if there was not site of resolution by that time, we could reconsider our relationship. At that time I was very adamant about ending the marriage immediately but after much begging and seemingly convincing arguements from my husband to 'give it another try', I agreed to give it until the end of the year and if I still felt the same, we would sell up and call it quits (this extra time would also let me finish my college degree which will be finished in November).

 

I know there is two sides to every story and I must also say that my husband has some very good qualities which I do appreciate a lot. However, the lack of intimacy and my husband's fondness for drinking (which totally ruins the chance for intimacy) and sleeping on the lounge on Friday and/or Saturday nights has really ruined this marriage for me. I feel isolated and alone. We go to bed at different times and wake up at different times and of course, sometimes he doesn't even come to bed at all. He says he loves me and doesn't want the marriage to end and yet, he keeps hurting me like this. II have always been totally honest with him and expressed to him how I have been feeling and what the outcome would be if things don't change for us so it's not like this is all coming out of left-field.

 

Does anyone have any advice? No matter what I say or do, it doesn't seem to make any difference. Divorce will be a big upheaval and means selling the house and it will be a big financial toll on me plus that means uprooting the kids and all the stress it will cause them. I don't really relish the idea of divorce but I can't see the point in going on like this when things are clearly not going to change.

 

Ymint

[whichwayisup]

It sounds like your husband is depressed. His issues and his problems inside are affecting the intimacy between you two.

 

He needs some one on one therapy to figure out why he is feeling the way he is. And marriage counselling together will help too, that has to be part of the agreement to get things back on track.

 

Another tactic is, tell him how unhappy you are and that if he doesn't work on the intimacy and revive the sex life, you are considering a divorce. He needs a wake up call, a fire lit under his a$$...He's too comfy as things are, daily routine, day in and day out. Shake it up abit.

 

Would he go with you if you planned a weekend getaway somewhere?

 

Good luck and keep posting.