Dating fatigue

[JuneL]

What measures are you taking to improve your dating, now that you are conscious about this “condition” of yours?

Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[edgygirl]

It’s actually one of the reasons why I feel I need a break. The issues repeated themselves in both almost-relationships I’ve had since October. The breakdown of the last one was difficult as I was quite excited about the man... first time in a while that happens.

 

I’m reading a lot on it, watching videos, part of groups and forums about it, and people have the exact same issues and experiences I’ve been having forever. It’s kind of scary actually. The first step for me is understanding why I do the self-sabotaging things that I do in relationships, which I’m slowly understanding and it helps a lot. Being self aware to my automatic emotions that I have no control of, and learning to not trust my conclusions so fast as it’s not my rational side talking.

 

I am also looking into which kind of therapy works best for it, there are a few available. The scary part is it might take years to become securely attached as things are ingrained from childhood. They say having a securely attached partner helps a lot - I’ve had a few in the past and they did not trigger my issues. But as I’m single now, I’ll have to go for option 2 - work on it myself or with a therapist.

 

What measures are you taking to improve your dating, now that you are conscious about this “condition” of yours?

Edited February 2, 2019 by edgygirl

[salparadise]

The first step for me is understanding why I do the self-sabotaging things that I do in relationships, which I’m slowly understanding and it helps a lot. Being self aware to my automatic emotions...

 

How exactly do you self-sabotage relationships, such as the two since October. What emotions do you feel, and then how does that translate to specific behaviors that end up bringing the relationship to an end?

 

I took an online text for attachment style and it said I am like 60 percent secure, and the other 40 percent is a mix of ambivalent/anxious, avoidant/dismissive, and a very small amount disorganized. That seems consistent with what I would've guessed. I based it on the way I felt while in my last relationship, but I thought the world of her and was treated badly at the end, so I might be more anxious or skeptical the next time.

 

In other news... I decided I'm ready to start getting laid and a few days after putting the hook back in the water I have several prospects. The one I mentioned a few days ago failed miserably when we spoke on the phone, so next. So get this... I have 3 first dates lined up for my place. Yup, no restaurant bulls*t or assumption that I have do any hoop jumping. Now I don't know for certain that they're DTF right off the bat, but guessing they are since they agreed to netflix and chill on the first date. Well, one is for sure. She's married and in an open relationship. The other two are from Bumble and Tinder. One is coming tonight for the Super Bowl (pure pretext) and the other is planned for next Saturday. The latter two are probably thinking casual relationship, which is roughly the same as FWB I guess. All three are 25 years younger than me and two have children. I'm keeping the flirting and innuendo ongoing such that they understand where my focus lies. I have a few more on the back burner that I text once a day but don't engage in immediate back and forth. It's interesting how this stuff works with a little change in attitude.

Edited February 3, 2019 by salparadise

[FMW]

salparadise, not judging you at all but it sounds like you are just looking to have sex with a lot of different women. More power to you (as long as you are being honest with the women involved). And btw, I wouldn't call those FWBs - they are simply ****buddies. As long as everyone is aware of the ground rules, then it's fair.

 

I REALLY wouldn't suggest that to edgygirl, I think that would make her feel worse by experiencing the emptiness of it all.

 

I have a FWB, but we are truly friends - and were for a long time before adding the "benefits". Because of that friendship we trust and respect each other. That relationship does take the edge off of feeling the need to go searching for something else when things aren't happening naturally. It makes it less likely I'll ignore red flags with anyone new I meet.

 

My FWB and I are sexually exclusive and both had been been tested for STDs since our last partners. That is something that was very important for both of us. When one of us meets someone we want to explore a romantic opportunity with, and most certainly a sexual one, we will stop the "benefits".

[JuneL]

It's interesting how this stuff works with a little change in attitude.

 

I got the impression you also have a lower standard for these women who are potential candidates for a fwb or casual fling, no? In other words, would you have asked these women out if you’re looking for a potential long-term committed relationship?

[salparadise]

salparadise, not judging you at all but it sounds like you are just looking to have sex with a lot of different women. More power to you (as long as you are being honest with the women involved). And btw, I wouldn't call those FWBs - they are simply ****buddies. As long as everyone is aware of the ground rules, then it's fair.

 

No, I"m actually not trying to sleep with a lot of different women, but I am looking for a fwb or phuk-buddy or casual dating. For me they all seem to be approximately the same thing. I do respect and am interested in the distinctions you make though. Ultimately it would be too complicated to try and maintain more than one such arrangement, but these things fall through so easily that I'm starting out with a few that seem interesting. It's sort of like interviewing job applicants, or even looking for a serious relationship, only the criteria is less stringent. Two have kids at home, so that would eliminate them as serious, long-term relationship partners or marriage. I don't know yet exactly how they're thinking about goals, but my assumption is that if they weren't open to a sex-first, casual thing then they wouldn't have agreed to come to my place for the first date, and they wouldn't be responding positively to the flirting.

 

I just don't see why this approach seems irregular... if one or both are looking for a step-daddy I'll be honest about it. But my guess is that these women are in much the same place as I am––needing companionship, human touch, sex, and someone whose company they enjoy without having to use the life partner yardstick to measure suitability.

 

I REALLY wouldn't suggest that to edgygirl, I think that would make her feel worse by experiencing the emptiness of it all.

 

No, I'm not implying that this would be right for edgygirl. I posted in this thread based on the title "Dating Fatigue," and it seems on topic to me. I don't intend to hijack. If she prefers that we only post about her specifically I'll be happy to create a new thread.

 

I have a FWB, but we are truly friends - and were for a long time before adding the "benefits". Because of that friendship we trust and respect each other. That relationship does take the edge off of feeling the need to go searching for something else when things aren't happening naturally. It makes it less likely I'll ignore red flags with anyone new I meet.

 

My FWB and I are sexually exclusive and both had been been tested for STDs since our last partners. That is something that was very important for both of us. When one of us meets someone we want to explore a romantic opportunity with, and most certainly a sexual one, we will stop the "benefits".

 

If that works for the two of you, wonderful. I just don't have "a friend" to try and convert to a FWB, so I need to find a new person. The rules and nature of it will have to evolve naturally. I don't intend to be dishonest, but neither can you lay all your cards on the table in the first few messages. You have to acknowledge that things are different for men and women. If a guy says, hey, I mostly just want to get laid, the women vanish so quick it'll make you dizzy. But if a woman said that to a man, he's probably say how quick can you get here.

[salparadise]

I got the impression you also have a lower standard for these women who are potential candidates for a fwb or casual fling, no? In other words, would you have asked these women out if you’re looking for a potential long-term committed relationship?

 

You are correct. The standards/criteria are quite different. I probably wouldn't marry a woman with younger children at home, but for a fwb/casual dating it isn't much of a factor as long as she doesn't have them 24/7. The other thing is political views. I am liberal/progressive. I wouldn't seriously date or marry a conservative, but it's not a factor for a casual thing as long as she's still intelligent, kind, and doesn't want to convert me. I don't care as much about education for a casual partner. Personality wise I think there would be a different standard as well. Hell, now that I think about it, there seems to be a different standard on almost every dimension. There is probably a higher standard on the sexual openness scale because I'm looking for immediate gratification and don't want to have to train anyone... whereas if it were a life partner equation I might compromise [just a little] for a wonderful personality, or a hundred million dollar bank account (kidding- I've already turned that down twice).

[edgygirl]

Man #1 in Oct-Nov: On date #3 when he told me he had just broken up 3 weeks ago with his first girlfriend (of 1 year) after his 10 years of marriage, I totally lost it. I started saying he was a serial monogamist, that I am probably a rebound, that he cannot be single, that he will never "get" me because he's never single, etc. Looking back I kind of know I probably sounded crazy. I was a little tipsy when that happened in the middle of a show. But... I think what it really shows is that me feeling he might be rebounding has activated my "fear of abandonment" which a big theme due to being fearful-avoidant. So I unconsciously try to find reasons to push people away when my fear of abandonment is activated. I never understood why I do this kind of thing, why I test people... but I am seeing the pattern now.

 

I also constantly said I wasn't sure I could be long term with a non Jewish man... which in a way is also sabotaging the relationship.

 

We slept together too early while drunk before I really felt mentally prepared for it, after this tumultuous date and things start to sour. I was not even sure I wanted him for LTR, (despite him being super cool, fun, easy going, intelligent and very successful) but I also wasn't going to keep sleeping with him without being sexually exclusive. We had this discussion and he said I was probably right that it was too early for him to be exclusive given he was just out of a relationship. He wanted to keep seeing me, but honestly I was not sure we were that compatible in bed anyway, and him wanting to keep meeting other people (and theoretically being open to sex with them) irritated me, so I ended things.

 

Man #2 Dec-Jan: He was mega into me due to our shared background. I could tell I am exactly what he was looking for. Honestly I try not to date men from the country I was born in, so I held him a little at arms length in the first convos and first date. But then I realized he was probably right - it felt really good to be with someone from my country and background, it felt like home. Tons of affection which is very rare here. Suddenly I started to be super into him. I am not sure what happened... but suddenly it felt like things shifted and I was more into him, he was pursuing less. He's not a good planner, and that made me very anxious. To try and make him book dates more often and in advance so my anxiety could diminish, I confessed the reason I could not see him next weekend was that I had a date planned with another man. As in, I am multidating, and if you don't lock my time down, you won't get to choose when you see me. He then booked the next two dates super quickly (!) and I thought things would fall into place.

 

The last time I saw him, I felt so comfy I started to open up about a few issues I am going through (autoimmune illness ie), I shared things that might be a turn off to men as well... as in I am not a great cook (indeed, I'm more into intellectual pursuits). He told me about how his father was control freak when he grew up so I also shared my parents were the opposite to the point of us not having discipline at home. I felt his demeanor changed the moment I told him about my illness (which frankly is not a big deal, I won't die from this illness, ie). One more thing was although I make it clear in my profile I want a kid, (my eggs are frozen in case it doesn't happen naturally) and we talked about how sad it is that we didn't have kids on our first phone call because we both did DNA tests and we're both Jewish, so it was a "theme", on this date he said he's not used to discussing this kind of thing as he dates women in their 40s. That he likes other people's kids, "but...". For reference he's 43.

 

He booked the next date by the end of that date though despite his demeanor change. Only to then ghost me on the day we were supposed to meet and even texted in the morning. I feel it was a mistake to be so open about my multidating or life issues so early on.

 

I am still at a loss on why he ghosted me. No one ever ghosted me before. It makes no sense whatsoever, unless he felt I was coming on too strong or was weirded out by my illness, family craziness or kids talk. I should have kept it lighter as it was still one of our first dates.

 

How exactly do you self-sabotage relationships, such as the two since October. What emotions do you feel, and then how does that translate to specific behaviors that end up bringing the relationship to an end?

 

I heard we can be more anxious, avoidant or more secure depending on who we are dating, so that makes sense. Actually psychologists say dating a secure person is one of the best ways to becoming more secure (although you can also work on it while single). I think because of my last experience, I will tend to be more avoidant next time.

 

I took an online text for attachment style...

 

I was going to go for a FWB prospect and I chickened out. I think he knows that as he didn't bother contacting me this weekend. When we were talking though, I made it clear we had to first meet in a public place though. I would feel a little weird to have them at my place right away or go to their place. I think most women would which makes me question a little the sanity of these women you mentioned.

 

Good luck on the "super bowl" tonight Gosh I could use some sex. I might go back to my prospect after all.

 

Yup, no restaurant bulls*t or assumption that I have do any hoop jumping. Now I don't know for certain that they're DTF right off the bat, but guessing they are since they agreed to netflix and chill on the first date.

Edited February 3, 2019 by edgygirl

[Happy Lemming]

To edgygirl:

 

I'm hesitant to post this, as I don't want to be flamed by other LS posters, but I also want to help.

 

My girlfriend of 7 years is also Jewish and I am an atheist. I have no desire to change her and she has no desire to change me.

 

She tried to date men of other religions but it kept becoming an issue. For me, I don't believe, so I have no point to argue nor do I have any grounds to disagree with her. So religious discussions die fairly quickly and are not a problem or concern. If she wants me to join her at temple, I go and treat it as if I am going to a play or performance art. I can enjoy it, take it as fiction and continue on through my day. I just don't have an opinion, and this seems to work for my girlfriend.

 

Have you considered dating an atheist??

 

Just my two cents...

[edgygirl]

Hey Happy Lemming thanks! Yes I've dated atheists and I think I can say I'm kind of on the agnostic side myself. I'm secular. For me the main point of dating Jews is the cultural background, it feels more comfy. They get my craziness and I get theirs if it makes sense. Of course it also reminds me of my family dynamics and stories which warms my heart. This last man who poofed on me was also from the same country I was born in, so even more comfy.

 

The non Jews I dated (mainly one of my main boyfriends at university) would eventually always make a non-funny joke about Jews. "Stingy" or so... to the point I said to myself - no more. Hence I kinda prefer Jews.

 

I do swipe right on atheists and agnostic men I find interesting. I don't think I could deal with a religious person of another persuasion. I don't think I could even deal with a religious person of my persuasion

[Happy Lemming]

They get my craziness and I get theirs if it makes sense...

 

It makes perfect sense and I understand completely.

 

I'm kind of the "black sheep" in my family, as I was always nomadic, so I don't have a really close relationship with my family. My girlfriend does, so again, I can listen (to her talk about her family), but I can't really offer advice. Which, oddly, is exactly what my girlfriend wants. Just listen and nod yes. I can do that, quite well.

[edgygirl]

:lmao:

 

Only saw this now. Also: you’re not hijacking in the least! Even if you were I’m generally fine with hijacking and topic deviation.

 

It’s actually interesting you commented on the FWB (or however you want to call it as I also don’t have friends who could be f buddies) - as for the first time I’m considering it as well. I am craving human touch and sex. Specially when you take a break from dating, and you know you won’t get that anytime soon... are you supposed to stay celibate and go crazy? Nah. Been there in my last break, not sure what I was thinking.

 

While I agree it’s empty, the one I’m looking at is someone who doesn’t fit my LTR criteria, so at least no risk of emotional longing or wanting more.

 

It's sort of like interviewing job applicants,

Edited February 3, 2019 by edgygirl