Looking for advice

[Lov3foo1]

I am new to this community, and boy am I glad to have found this community because I am in need of some advice.

 

I am currently separated from my H of 9 years. I had an affair with a MM from work, my husband found out about it and we had gone through marriage counseling with no success. We’ve also done discernment counseling and that was where I said separation was the logical next step. We have two kids together (ages 7 and 4). I had moved into my own apartment for just a bit over two months.

 

Now...the A is over but I am not over my AP (anyone who’s been in an EA can relate to its difficulties, esp since I still see him at the office). Looking back, I had mentally started checking out of my marriage months before the affair took place. My mentality at the time of the affair was that if my H ever found out about the A, he’d divorce me and that would be all over and done with. Yes, I wanted out of the marriage that badly...

 

And now, here I am. I feel like every logical bone in me is saying that divorce is really the best thing to do. BUT, I don’t feel completely convinced. I guess my thinking now is...since I’ve obviously made some poor choices in my recent past, how do I know that divorce is not another bad decision?

 

I know one response I’ll get is to find another job. But I believe (and my therapist agrees) that if I do divorce then I cannot possibly deal with that upheaval along with trying to find and settle in at a new job which is also a major life change. If I divorce then I need the security of my current job - I’ve been there for almost 9 years and have great working relations with my team. I honestly don’t believe I can deal with divorce AND and job change at the same time. Mentally right now I am just exhausted on most days.

 

Regarding my interactions with H...I’ve reached the point where my whole body tenses up even if he was just putting a hand on my shoulder, in my head I’m literally screaming “don’t touch me!” I feel I’ve definitely drifted very, very far from him. We do fare pretty well as coparents, so far our kids are actually adjusting pretty well with having two homes. Of course the best thing is to have them grow up with mom and dad together, but given our circumstances things are actually not bad. My H and I are both civil about the separation and we want minimal impact on the kids’ lives. They haven’t had to move or switch schools, everything is mostly the same except that they don’t see me everyday, but even with that said I see them like some 4 to 6 days a week.

 

Looking for advice on how to move forward. Is anyone ever really convinced that divorce is the absolute right thing to do (and I am not talking about in hindsight)?

Edited February 1, 2019 by Lov3foo1
Title got cut off

[DKT3]

Your version of events sounds just like most of the married women who cheat....the fact that you felt divorce was certain while the affair was on going but once it ended there is doubt, right on script.

 

Same story, different username.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure staying married is an option for you. Once the caveman urge to "WIN" you back passes most BH lose interest in staying married.

 

What should you do? Is divorce right for you? I'm guessing that the more distance you get from the affair the more interested in staying married you will become. Only you can answer that question. Just not sure you still have the power to make that decision.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is anyone ever really convinced that divorce is the absolute right thing to do (and I am not talking about in hindsight)?

 

Read your post twice just in case I missed it the first time, and what I didn't see is this - one positive mention, attribute or quality you see in your husband.

 

You're clearly not in love with him, have cheated on him and he's already been drug through MC and separation.

 

Let him go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

100 % divorce him. IMHO, you just don't like being alone...don't worry, you will find someone else.

[stillafool]

Why would you even think of not going through with a divorce when you can't even stand for your husband to touch you and you're not over your affair partner. How would that be fair to your husband? Of course you should divorce . I don't agree with your therapist that you shouldn't divorce and get a new job. You need to start a completely new life. Please leave your husband alone so he can be free to be with a woman who wants him and respects him.

[Naivewomen]

Hi!! I saw your comment on my thread. I completely checked out myself before the EA, however in the beginning of the EA at no time did I ever contemplate divorce. I just kept seeing and falling deeper for a MM that made me feel alive said all the things my spouse hasnt said in years. I was definitely lacking the emotional intimacy in my marriage. I longed for it for years. To answer, your question at the moment I have not switched off my feelings for the MM and I'm hoping that it goes away so and give my feelings a chance to see if they come back for my husband. I did not have a DDay, almost wish I did. So this could have all been out there and I could have fought hard for my H or just divorce. My heart hasnt healed yet. It's numb. I know who I married and hes a great guy that needs to improve as do I. I'm wishing for a miracle here. Miracles do happen.

[d0nnivain]

Continue working with your therapist. Get a divorce & find some hobbies to keep your busy. Reconnect with girl friends. Go to a gym. volunteer somewhere. Go back to Church. You need to find something that feeds your soul because right now you are running on empty.