Should my husband be jealous?

[JuneL]

OP, you've been asked several times if you have done anything inappropriate that would have created his insecurities and you have yet to answer. The none reply suggests that you have indeed done so. If true then it tips the scale of compromise.

 

OP: What exactly were you doing with those guys in those fb pictures?

 

Maybe you can have a compromise in another direction: Have your husband go on a cruise with a bunch of (only) women in bikini.

[Beccawife32]

OP: What exactly were you doing with those guys in those fb pictures?

 

Maybe you can have a compromise in another direction: Have your husband go on a cruise with a bunch of (only) women in bikini.

 

Why are people comparing apples to oranges? You act as though I signed up hoping the group would be full of 21 year olds with 6 packs muscles. (Most of the group is 40+).

[d0nnivain]

Do you know what is driving your husband's unreasonable paranoia here? Why is he so uptight about this snorkeling? Is he like this about other things?

 

You seem like you are trying to compromise & you agreed to not wearing a bikini which I think is giving credence to his jealousy in the name of marital harmony. As has been established, his other demands are over the top but why? Is there some other member in particular he's concerned about? If you can figure out where this is coming from maybe you can do more to diffuse it.

[m2r2]

Becca may I ask this uncomfortable question that you are avoiding one more time

"Why is your husband so insecure? What have you done to make him insecure"

 

 

Thanks

[Beccawife32]

Becca may I ask this uncomfortable question that you are avoiding one more time

"Why is your husband so insecure? What have you done to make him insecure"

 

 

Thanks

 

That is my question as well. Some people keep asking me if I've ever cheated, well of course I have not. I was not going to answer that but people keep insisting on bringing it up.

[Beccawife32]

She already suggested that but he came back at her with his other stipulations...

 

Exactly, it's like he is trying to stop me from going by making it nearly impossible for me to ever participate. but even if the group is all girls that doesn't matter I would still want to go it's the activity I like so I don't get it.

[preraph]

So a conservative swimsuit will prevent rape?

 

NO, I didn't say that or even infer it. It will be a compromise for her husband. I said I'd STILL be worried for her being out in the middle of nowhere with all guys.

[preraph]

Okay, well, how would you like it if your husband routinely went snorkeling with an all-women bikini-clad group without any other men there?

[DKT3]

That is my question as well. Some people keep asking me if I've ever cheated, well of course I have not. I was not going to answer that but people keep insisting on bringing it up.

 

Inappropriate behavior is not limited to cheating. I dont understand why you're so evasive on the subject.

 

I believe the question asked have you done anything inappropriate that created his insecurities around you being a member of the club after you being a member for a year.

 

You have to understand that to us it's odd that he would for no reason become insecure and uncomfortable after you've done it for a year. I dont believe it has much to do with your friend dropping out.

[JuneL]

^^^ Didn’t she say the husband’s request was triggered by the fb pictures? I wonder what he saw in those pictures.

[Guildford]

You keep asking Becca why her husband feels insecure about her swimming with these men. From reading countless postings on LS, it is evident that some people are naturally insecure and they need no evidence or history to trigger that insecurity. Others are very trusting and they do not become suspicious in the face of flaming red flags. Through the luck of the draw, she happened to marry an insecure man.

[Beccawife32]

Okay, well, how would you like it if your husband routinely went snorkeling with an all-women bikini-clad group without any other men there?

 

Still apples and oranges...would I be uncomfortable if he hung out with with bikini clad women yes...but most 40+ Do not wear bikini and the guys in the group do not wear Speedos. So if he wears a Speedo around older woman in skirt swimsuits and 2 of them which are grandmothers, fine with me.

[preraph]

So are you saying all these snorkeling buddies are beer-gutted oldies? That only makes them hornier and more desperate to gawk at a bikini-clad woman.

 

Speedos is not the equivalent of a woman in a bikini. Speedos are widely considered gross by women and look ridiculous. Men, on the other hand, get very turned on by bikini boobs.

 

He feels the same way about what you're doing as you would if he was snorkeling on the regular with a bevvy of bikini beach babes, so just face it and compromise before you mess up your marriage. Priorities!

[darkmoon]

keep him happy, or somebody else might... you are taking him for granted... him, is it so tedious to please him?

Edited February 2, 2019 by darkmoon

[DKT3]

You keep asking Becca why her husband feels insecure about her swimming with these men. From reading countless postings on LS, it is evident that some people are naturally insecure and they need no evidence or history to trigger that insecurity. Others are very trusting and they do not become suspicious in the face of flaming red flags. Through the luck of the draw, she happened to marry an insecure man.

 

Insecurities dont just pop up. You either have or you dont. You dont see secure people just wake up insecure in the morning.

 

In this situation OP has been going for a year, in that time her husband was ok then all of a sudden he became insecure and uncomfortable with no reason. That is the story she is trying to sell us. It just doesn't make sense. Her evasiveness on the topic indicates she has in fact done something or she knows his issues have merit.

 

She is attacking the surface issue, and ignoring the root cause. Doing so will manifest itself in all areas of thier marriage over time.

Edited February 2, 2019 by DKT3

[standtall]

So a conservative swimsuit will prevent rape?

 

That is the worst straw man statement I have read in a long time on this forum. Jeez...it is an egregious statement.

 

OP, it seems that you have added stipulations that you claim came from him since your original thread. With that said, why have you come to this place? For validation? It seems that it is 75 to 25 in favor of a compromise, but you don't want to hear it. Did you not know that you married an ultra conservative,baptist type, or did he just lay this on you?...or...are you trying to change him? There is more here than just a simple bathing suit issue....The other posters here have figured it out...please, tell us the whole story.

[FMW]

To me it seems there are some important pieces of the puzzle missing here - as described this doesn't fit together to form a picture that makes sense.

 

OP I understand you were offended at being asked if you had been unfaithful, but you are asking for others' opinions and as I said, this picture is missing some pieces. Infidelity is a legitimate point of inquiry.

 

Your sensitivity to that idea stands out to me. If you are feeling so defensive about this situation I'm thinking it's based on a pattern of behavior - his and/or yours - that you have lost tolerance for. Does he have a history of trying to dictate your behavior?

 

What do YOU think is the reason behind his stipulations? I think you probably have a good idea.

 

Just to be clear, I wouldn't like to be told that I had to have another woman present and/or what I should wear. But again, I think there's a lot more to this story than just his attempt to control you in this situation.

[Overtaxed]

Your H knows how he thinks when he sees attractive women in a bikini and he doesn't want other men to think that way about you. It's great that you feel great in a bikini, but I suspect that you, and most happily married women wouldn't wear them often if they knew what a common internal male monologue sounds like when an attractive woman walks by in a bikini.

[basil67]

That is the worst straw man statement I have read in a long time on this forum. Jeez...it is an egregious statement.

 

I was responding to the comment that she should wear a one piece because "Your husband knows how horny guys are and how some will take advantage of an opportunity, even if you don't want them to".

 

If a horny man takes advantage of an opportunity even if the woman doesn't want him to, then we're talking sexual assault or rape. After all, her not wanting him to means consent was not there. I don't believe for one minute that a demure one piece will render her safe. After all, women in full tracksuits out for a run can be taken by a horny guy when she doesn't want them to.

[Turning point]

I also think part of this story is missing.

 

The freedom to dress as we please in a perfect world isn't the backdrop that informs this story. I have to view this with respect to how I understand the world on a daily basis.

 

The reality is, that when ALL of the female participants of a co-ed swim club drop out - that means something.

 

The OP has chosen to remain as the SOLE female in what is now an ALL MALE swim club. In addition, she is fighting with her husband over her clothing choices.

 

OP, you crossed out of international waters a long time ago so, what exactly is your mission?

[JuneL]

This is the third time I ask this question:

What were you guys doing in those fb pictures that made your husband so uncomfortable?

[elaine567]

The reality is, that when ALL of the female participants of a co-ed swim club drop out - that means something.

 

The OP has chosen to remain as the SOLE female in what is now an ALL MALE swim club. In addition, she is fighting with her husband over her clothing choices.

She said her BFF and MOST of the female members dropped out not ALL.

 

I am not familiar with snorkelling clubs but with diving, in my experience it seemed to me to be mostly men (men love messing around in boats and fiddling with "diving gear") with a smattering of gfs/wives and very few women there purely for the diving.

If it is the same with snorkelling, then if she is to continue in the sport her husband needs to lighten up.

[DKT3]

She said her BFF and MOST of the female members dropped out not ALL.

 

I am not familiar with snorkelling clubs but with diving, in my experience it seemed to me to be mostly men (men love messing around in boats and fiddling with "diving gear") with a smattering of gfs/wives and very few women there purely for the diving.

If it is the same with snorkelling, then if she is to continue in the sport her husband needs to lighten up.

 

Again with only half the story this is making a massive assumption. You could very well be correct, but it could be that events there could make it where she is lucky that her husband is understanding enough to be ok with her continuing with stipulations.

 

Her evasiveness makes one believe it's the latter.

[Turning point]

She said her BFF and MOST of the female members dropped out not ALL.

 

I am not familiar with snorkelling clubs but with diving, in my experience it seemed to me to be mostly men (men love messing around in boats and fiddling with "diving gear") with a smattering of gfs/wives and very few women there purely for the diving.

If it is the same with snorkelling, then if she is to continue in the sport her husband needs to lighten up.

 

I'm listening - and there is little to nothing in her story about her passion for snorkeling, the sea, boating, or swimming. (Snorkeling BTW is very different from diving. As an excursion, snorkeling is largely a social experience while diving is first and foremost a technical challenge.)

 

What I do hear is a lot about jealousy, bikinis, predominantly male company, other women abandoning the group, and a struggling husband. This is not the kind of frosting you find on a gender neutrality cake.

[anika99]

We just don't know enough about the history of the marriage to be able to give advice. The OP is being evasive and writes one line statements that don't provide any answers even though she has been asked numerous times to elaborate.

 

On the surface it would appear that the husband is being too controlling but without knowing more we can't say that with 100% certainty. It may be that he is normally an easy going trusting guy but something about this situation is upsetting him.

 

OP clearly you do not wish to have a conversation with us but l would recommend you having a heart to heart open conversation with your husband to find out where this insecurity is coming from. Stop arguing with him about bikinis and instead talk about his fears.

 

I will say that just doing as you please with no consideration for your spouses feelings is a recipe for big problems. Spouses should show concern and empathy for their partners feelings even if those feelings seem a bit silly. I know whenever an SO has taken an attitude of "I'll do whatever I damn well please" with me, the problem becomes 10 times worse than the original issue. It then turns into me feeling disrespected, uncared for and insignificant.

 

Also compromise shouldn't be given with a defiant attitude. Saying something like "Fine! I'll wear a one piece! Are you happy now?!" Is not compromise, its acting like a defiant teenager who is just agreeing to whatever to get her parents off her back. A bad attitude about compromising will not foster good feelings or strengthen trust.. When a spouse expresses insecurity what they want more than anything is assurance that they are important and loved by their partner and that their feelings matter.

 

If your spouse is not normally distrustful and insecure then talk to him about how he feels and what he fears in a loving way that makes him feel safe to open up. Don't give him eye rolls or talk to him in a condescending way. Show actual concern about what he is worried about. If on the other hand your husband is normally a controlling insecure jerk then instead of snorkeling you should be seeing a marriage counselor or a divorce attorney.