Is NC the right way to go?

[flume]

Don't go my past posts, they were years ago and those days are behind me.

 

Me M:34 in relationship with F:33.

 

We were dating for about 4 years. About 2 years in the relationship we realized that there were massive resistance from our families and we decided to part ways amicably, which did not happen.

 

We were deeply committed by then.

 

Fast forward 2 years, I met her family and they outright rejected me due to religious differences. We hummed and hawed some more coming to Sep'18. She started becoming distant. We staggered till Nov'18, when I asked her to make up her mind.

 

We were supposed to go NC for sometime, she broke it once and 2nd time I broke it on Christmas eve. She was tearful and wanted to part ways. I was angry and asked her not to do it.

 

Staggered on some more and finally after lot of back and forth in mid Jan'19 she said we need to part. Not my best moment. Did it on a call with me drinking.

 

I went NC. Broke it once, tried reaching her a week ago and she texted that we couldn't talk anymore. Been NC since then, 10 days give/take.

 

Part of me wants to move on, part of me wants to convince her to come back and face the family again. She is SE Asian.

 

Any thoughts? Should I wait and make a move, make no move at all trusting fate.

 

I don't think I begged but there were tears at both ends and anger from my end too. Last I met her in early Dec.

[PegNosePete]

This relationship has been on life support for FAR too long. It's time to turn off the machine, and accept the fact that you're simply not meant to be together.

 

Once you accept the fact that it is over, you can start the process of moving on. Breaking NC will put you back to square 1 of that process, so it is not recommended.

[Zahara]

Time to move on. This pattern of breaking NC has kept you both clinging to what’s been broken for a long time. Find acceptance that this isn’t meant to be and focus on your healing and letting go. She’s told you she does not want anymore communication so respect that and leave it be.

 

It’s over. Try to come to terms with it. It’s hard but the longer you keep up with this, the more you prolong your pain.

[flume]

I won't break NC, I think. It is just, I thought if there were feelings, there could be path back.

 

Is there none?

[flume]

We had been trying to go apart for a long time. Were never able to do it.

 

I never thought it would get so painful.

[PegNosePete]

Even if there is a path back, your ex has made it pretty clear that she does not want to follow it.

 

It takes 2 to tango.

[Zahara]

I won't break NC, I think. It is just, I thought if there were feelings, there could be path back.

 

Is there none?

 

I’m from her part of the world. Family and culture is a bond that is sometimes too strong to fight. I’ve been in your shoes so I know what it feels like to love someone and endure incredible resistance due to religious differences. Often times it’s a losing battle.

 

Regardless of feelings, there are other greater forces at hand. You both may still love each other but she’s made her choice. Let it go. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.

 

This has been broken for a long time. You need to move on. Respect her decision and find acceptance.

[flume]

Agree. Although, I keep oscillating between various ways forward, I know deep down the way forward is not in my hands anymore.

 

It would work only if she decides to stand up. Even if I convince her by a long shot, it would survive the test of time only if she takes this decision alone.

 

A long road ahead, I think. Hoping NC works or she comes back. Faster the better.

 

The suffering is horrible as when I am not putting it down by alcohol anymore.

[PegNosePete]

Hoping NC works

NC always works. It gives you what you need -- which is not necessarily what you want.

[Zahara]

Agree. Although, I keep oscillating between various ways forward, I know deep down the way forward is not in my hands anymore.

 

It would work only if she decides to stand up. Even if I convince her by a long shot, it would survive the test of time only if she takes this decision alone.

 

A long road ahead, I think. Hoping NC works or she comes back. Faster the better.

 

The suffering is horrible as when I am not putting it down by alcohol anymore.

 

NC will work towards your healing if you apply it with discipline and with the intent of wanting to move forward. If she comes back because she’s decided to stand up for what she wants, then you can progress from there. Anything other, you must ignore. You both have had a pattern of breaking NC with zero resolve so anything of the same is just prolonging pain.

[flume]

Over to Fate then.

 

Last time I spoke to her she told me, if we kept the religious difference aside, I would have been the most successful person in her clan.

But then..........

 

In a clear moment today, thinking of letting Fate run its course. If NC works then good. If she is back great.

 

But either ways, as you guys said the way forward is NC only.

 

It is just that sometimes I think I am not fighting enough to for the relationship.

[PegNosePete]

It is just that sometimes I think I am not fighting enough to for the relationship.

What relationship? It's gone.

 

One-sided "fighting" will never work. Or if it does it will only be temporary.

[flume]

What relationship? It's gone.

 

 

Freudian slip I guess. It is gone, I haven't accepted.

 

I feel, did not fight enough to save it, I guess.

[Zahara]

Freudian slip I guess. It is gone, I haven't accepted.

 

I feel, did not fight enough to save it, I guess.

 

Takes two people to fight and save it.

[flume]

Although, It doesn't matter but we are both se Asian.. Not in the US.. We are in our country.. Were fighting for our love.. Were because she isn't anymore..

Going to post in the thread which asks to you write instead of reaching out to an ex

[Goldenheart]

Even if there is a path back, your ex has made it pretty clear that she does not want to follow it.

 

It takes 2 to tango.

 

This is crucial. There’s nothing you can do to convince her, and if you did your relationship would revolve around the fact that you wanted her and she was hesitant about you. Let her come to the decision on her own, she would feel better about it and so would you

[flume]

Reluctantly, I agree with you.

 

We were together, so focused on moving on never knew it would get so tough.

 

She even said please forgive me for my decision when we spoke on Christmas eve and that she would've been with me had her parents not been the issue.

 

I highlight this as I think I had become so needy by this point that even a regular relationship wouldn't have survived.

 

Part of me wants to reach out to her and reason with her again. But then I am unsure if she would even talk or it would fall on deaf ears.

 

My only priority right now is complete some time of NC before thinking of doing anything.

 

And you know the most frustrating part, even as I write this in my mind I keep on calculating how after 30 days on NC, I will ask her for coffee.

 

Some days, I think it is not worth it. How she ignored me on New Years by going to meet her family (first time in 4 years) or how she may have met me on my birthday due to guilt not love.

 

Initially, I was cool in Sep 2018 when she was edging on finalizing her decision and we would meet on her insistence. But then my final push in Dec for her to take the decision was Bittersweet.

 

There are days when I think how before finally breaking up in mid Jan, she took a week to make up her mind and I think may be Time & Space might do it. Some days, I think there might be someone else but then I find it unlikely or even if there is,nothing I can do about it.

 

The one thing that holds me together, is that I have done real **** level begging and pleading in a past life and that spiral is never ending. The more you beg, the stronger the No and your drive to beg increases.

 

My friends call the entire thing immature. I feel now we could've grown up but sometimes it feels too late.

 

Dream on dreamer - A friend said to me today

[PegNosePete]

And you know the most frustrating part, even as I write this in my mind I keep on calculating how after 30 days on NC, I will ask her for coffee.

There's nothing wrong with thinking that right now. If you still feel the same in 30 days, do another 30 days.

 

Some days, I think it is not worth it. How she ignored me on New Years by going to meet her family (first time in 4 years) or how she may have met me on my birthday due to guilt not love.

Yep -- and as time goes by your logical brain will "win" more days than your emotions, and pretty soon you will know every day that it's not worth it.

[Occitanie]

I won't break NC, I think. It is just, I thought if there were feelings, there could be path back.

 

Is there none?

 

Stay NC, and wait to hear from her.

 

You can’t change how she feels.

 

If she’s still into you, she’ll get in touch. Could be tomorrow, it could be in a couple weeks or even months.

 

Move on, meet other women.

[Normm]

Change religions.

[flume]

Got a call extremely late 2 days ago. I was exhausted after a bad day (slipped and shattered something expensive at work). Saw the call wanted to call but was unsure.

Should continue NC?

 

Almost a month from day 0 of break up. A couple of weeks in NC

Edited February 13, 2019 by flume
Forgot add something

[flume]

Caved in and made a fool of myself.. Called back the usual time she would've returned from work.. She disconnected..

I sent a message asking if she was OK and that I couldn't get to calling her due to work schedule.. Feel idiotic now..

Don't call or take the call if you called before..

 

Blocked now for mental peace..

[Cersei]

Sorry you are hurting.

 

Sadly sometimes these slip ups help us realize that yes NC is the only way to go. Hang in there.

[nolanola]

Caved in and made a fool of myself.. Called back the usual time she would've returned from work.. She disconnected..

I sent a message asking if she was OK and that I couldn't get to calling her due to work schedule.. Feel idiotic now..

Don't call or take the call if you called before..

 

Blocked now for mental peace..

 

Did she leave a message the first time or you just saw a missed call? I would have said to only get back to her if she leaves a message or says something substantial. Otherwise you don't know if she actually wants to talk to you or is trying to see if you're still "there" and will respond to her.

 

I understand the feeling foolish but it's no crime to love someone and feel sad that they're not in your life anymore. I agree with @Cersei, sometimes these things wind up helping because they give you more incentive to stay in NC. Forgive yourself and let it go as best as you can.

[Highndry]

I firmly believe that any talk of breaking up, or actually breaking up, permanently, irreparably damages any and all relationships. Sure, some people get back together, but you can never put that genie back into the bottle, so both parties will always remember that time.

 

You have talked about and broken up so much that it's absurd. I think this one is over. Next relationship, never talk about breaking up unless you are done.