commitment phobia

[karen67]

Falling in love with a commitment phobe is the easiest thing in the world to do!The thing about the cp is that he/ she usually comes on very strong in the beginning stages of the relationship.They will hold nothing back to win the heart of their ' victim' .They spend money freely,lavish you with gift's,smother you with attention,compliment your every move,rush to help you out,paintng your living room,changing your oil ect..They quickly make you feel extremely special,and loveable,and very desirable,and wanted,and attractive and wonderful and [well you get the picture].It is hard to resist falling in love with a cp! How can you resist falling for someone who thinks that you are just so incrediable and special,and adorable?They will even make reference to the future using the 'we' word, making you believe that a future with this person is indeed possible and probable.[if you question the cp about past relationships,they will probably tell you about many failed relationships,but make you believe it was just because they hadn't found anyone as 'wonderful' and 'special' as you]

Beginning Stages-

- he comes on strong & show's more intrest in you then you do him

- he tell's you that you are special,or indicates your 'specialness' in other

way's

- even though he has many failed relationships,he makes you feel that it

is just because he hasn't met anyone like you.

- he goes out of his way to impress you

- he comes on as 'needy' & 'vunerable' you almost feel sorry for him

-he hint's around that he is looking for a more permanent & stable

relationship & drops clues of marriage

-goes out of his way to be with you,does thing's for you,even canceling

plans with his friends

-he call's you up to say 'hi' -often

-he refers to you both in the future

-he acts as if you are the #1 priority in his life

-he is sympathic to womens plights & often belittles other men who

mistreat them

-he goes out of his way to earn your trust

-he tries exclusively to convince you to commit to him exclusively

or sexually

Now you are hooked!!!!!!!!

_ Now that he knows he has you,and you are convinced ''he is the one''

he slowly & gradually starts to diminish his time,call's & attentiveness

toward you

_he is sending you mixed messages,'come here', go away

-he starts to make you less of a priority in his life and he has rational reasons why[which you buy,because he is so much in love with you

- your time together becomes scheduled

- your sex life changes,he may become less aggressive,leaving

you to initate sex more

-there seems to be some issues that make it ard to easily visit you,

or stay with you[you live to far] he doesnt like your cat

- he starts major fault finding & blatantly points out your flaws,real

or imagined.he will concentrate on the one thing you CAN"T

change: your religion,your height,your skintone,your family etc..

- you start to expect he is seeing others

- he lies to you about his 'outside' life

- he agrees to change & makes a big show of remorse ,he acts confused

& conflicted-you feel sorry for him

- the relationship stops growing & he refuses to 'talk' about the relationship,or avoids making commited changes

It is at this stage in the relationship that you think you just need to love him stronger..BUT the more you try to be understanding the more he feel's the impending threat of ''commitment''.Your loving intentions only serve to drive the cp further away..........

 

-his finding fault with you is his way of always having a "out''

-The problem with the middle stage is in your mind you are still at the beginning stage.You still think he is 'head over heals with you' You think you are doing something wrong,so you try harder to show your love.All this does is drive the fear of COMMITMENT closer to his conscious mind.And he starts to panic! He needs to get out of the relationship.Because he feels like he can't breath.

Unfortunately since he is cp that means he can't commit to being with you forever,yet he can't commit to [not] being with you forever either.So he can't find the courage to leave you,thus he decided that he will make you,do the leaving.......

the cp isn't a bad person- he simply has a phobia, like other types of phobias[spiders] his phobia is of being 'trapped'.This fear is so intense that even though he can love another very much,he feel's an intense need to be 'free' of them.

He searches for away 'out' in the end,just as hard as he 'searched' for away 'in' in the beginning........

[johan]

There are plenty of women who act exactly the same way. Trust me.

[karen67]

When I posted this thread I did mention in the beginning that a cp could be man/ or woman.This post was not intended to point finger's.I became aware of this phobia..when my LDR ended.And trying to make sense of why something that 'seemed' so perfect and real ended so abruptly.I refer to ''he'' in my post because my relationship was with a man not a woman.

Upon coming across this phobia,I found alot of similarities in my relationship,and I wanted to share the information,with all of you.In hope that it may help someone,that may be lost,confused and hurting over such a person.....

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Oh wow. Are you sure we don't have the same ex?

[Baz]

Karen67, this is a great post and one I can identify with. Your list nails exactly what I had to endure and highlights nicely why peole like you and me end up in no mans land wondering what the hell happened. It is possibly the single most horredous thing I have ever had to endure and one that has left me scarred.

 

What makes it harder is that with no answers you start to search for reasons as to why she/he would be a CP. This is when i entered the world of Personality Disorders searching for answers. You end up going to some very dark places in search of answers both with yourself and with the ex. It is painful and long. In my case the pain was worse because my SO kept coming back to tell me that she missed me, was on her mind, wanted to hear me etc. This was abuse of the cruelest kind because it reflected everything she did and said when she first started trying to attract me. the only difference is that this time she doesn't deliver. It is just hot air. She wants me but is frightened so I allow us to get into this dance of push and pull. It is absolutely sole destroying.

 

I sent mine a book recently called "Zen and the art of falling in love". I asked to her read it. I asked her not to contact me ever again unless she finds her way out of her confusion and genuinely wants to move forwards with me. God it hurts but there is no other answer. Since then she has contacted me to wish me a happy birthday. Wanted to give me a "big hug", then disapeared again.

 

She has been seeing someone but has since dumped him because he was "boring". But she has a dilema now. At 31 she is nearing the time when she is going to have to take a leap of faith because I know she wants a family. If she is going to do this in the way that I know that she wants then she is going to have to face her fear of commitment - but I dont think she can.

 

What is a man to do?

[wahaha1]

After spending a year with my new guy, I found that I have gone through 90% of the things in the list.... amazing...

 

He has so many past flames, and none of them lasted more than 2 years. I asked him why, he just said 'things not working out' - meaning is so vague...

 

I know there is something wrong with this guy, this guy is not as unfortunate as he described, but I cannot find the right wording to described this phenomena... and I made myself to think this is a normal guy's thing (spark - hot - cool down - done), now this is the word -- "Committment Phobia"!!

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I really think that Commitmentphobics seek out people to "fix" them. And we (those of us with our head screwed on straight) really do try. We feel sorry for them and their broken-ness. But in the end they end up hurting us because they think that because they still feel the same way about commitment, it must mean that we weren't "the one". And so they move on to the next victim -- hoping again to be fixed. The reality is that the only person that can fix them is themselves.

[Baz]

You are right, the only people who are tolerant of this abusive behaviour are the fixers ie codependant people. For the fixer the familiarity of the push/pull relationship is what keeps them hanging around. I dont agree that we have our heads screwed on straight. I think we have our own issues otherwise we wouldn't tolerate this behaviour.

 

My mother was very manipulative with me emotionally. I had to endure her sulks, her mild physical abuse, her yelling. I spent my life trying to please her but never knew how. I ended up not really discovering who I am and probably will not reach my full potential because I just dont have the confidence anymore. My ex related to me very much like my mother did/does. In the end I was destroyed becasue I just could not get her to love me anymore and that has hurt me so much. I have so much love to give but I keep falling for the people who will abuse that love and it leaves me destroyed.

 

So ultimately I need to look at myself and address why I am like this. It is painful and difficult but Im getting there. I cant afford therapy so this place really helps.

 

As for commitment phobes I think that this is just the end result. The real reasons are deep rooted. If you need insight into this then google Dr Vaknin and see what he has to say about identifying issues associated with narcissistic persoanlity disorder. Im not saying that this is the answer but it will provide interesting reading as to identifying character traits and why they are there. Also check out histrionic PD.

[RecordProducer]

Karen, please note that all you described doesn't necessarily refer to commitment-phobic people. All men cherish their independence to a certain degree. CPs are usually those who are afraid to fall in love, form strong bounds or admit deep feelings.

 

Often people get out of their skin to impress you and later show their true colors. The truth is they were pretending that they were polite, warm, cheerful, and caring while their hidden personalitites remained underneath.

In my opinion, men with the "symptoms" you listed have a much worse "disease" - they are simply no good.

[lindya]

I really think that Commitmentphobics seek out people to "fix" them. And we (those of us with our head screwed on straight) really do try. We feel sorry for them and their broken-ness. But in the end they end up hurting us

 

I think when you've been involved with someone like that (and no doubt so many of us on this board have been!) the moving on process really speeds up when you turn a critical eye on your own behaviour in the relationship. I'm not talking about anyone here except myself, btw - and I'm not talking about a "beat yourself up" approach. Just a self-challenging one.

 

For years, people told me I was too nice for my own good. In retrospect, I think that the "niceness" was little more than a form of fear. Being ultra nice to others so that they wouldn't hurt me. Manipulative, in a way.

 

A bad relationship, where someone exploits your "niceness" for their own ends can wake you up from that. You learn that not only is it okay to think about your needs as well as the other person's...but in order to have a real, healthy relationship you have to do that. Sometimes, that involves not being particularly "nice" - or, at least, not nice in the way that grannies and fairy-tales teach you to be.

 

It's easy to feel as if you've failed when a relationship breaks down. Sometimes, though, the breakdown of a relationship with a commitment phobic is actually a positive sign, Perhaps it means you're growing out of self-destructive patterns of behaviour - or have been shocked out of them by someone else's cynical exploitation of your need to please and be "nice".

 

So whilst it's useless to try fixing a partner, some relationships can show you how to fix yourself.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Sometimes, that involves not being particularly "nice" - or, at least, not nice in the way that grannies and fairy-tales teach you to be.

 

I guess us "nice" people should look for like-minded people. Sometimes I think that "nice" people chase after the "bad boy" or the "bad girl" and overlook the kind of people that are like them, because the bad person provides the excitement of the push/pull.

 

I feel pretty lucky -- after going through two commitmentphobes, I am pretty confident that I finally found someone who also falls under the "nice" category. We've been dating for five months, and we are very compatable for each other.

 

We both look after and respect each other's feelings and needs. Both of us are dealing with some pretty big stresses right now, and what might usually cause strain in most relationships, has only brought us closer together. We support each other and know that we have that "soft place to fall". We discuss the future...our future...together. This is the kind of relationship that I've only dreamed about up until now.

[megabit15]

Falling in love with a commitment phobe is the easiest thing in the world to do!........

 

And water seeks it's own level...meaning the active commitment phobe attracts a passive commitment phobe. Good book on this topic is "He's Scared, She's Scared".

[FlyingGypsy]

I've read all your posts and just as suspected....i am a CP. My problem is now a TRULY, REALLY, UNDOUBTABLY, DAMN-NEAR LOVE this great man but am pursuing him in a halfhearted kind of way. A small part of it is fear of rejection the other is feeling 'trapped". Although I want him so badly and he's showing me signs of interest, I'm moving very slow in the courtship. And when he responds to one of my strong actions of interest I avoid him. PLEASE HELP ME!

 

Mrs. Miss