Girlfriend Suddenly Ended Amazing Relationship Due to something in my past

[Mbw7676]

I've had an absolutely amazing relationship/connection with this woman for the past 5mths... Like pretty magical really?however, she found out I did cocaine on a night out with my buds for his bday, 4 mths before I even met her. That was now 9mths ago. She knew from the beginning I had done it in my "past".... it's not a regular thing for me at all , I haven't done it all since we've been together, we spend most of our time together, and we're very happy, active and loving as a couple ....I maybe did it once or twice a year before we met when I was a single guy. I rarely smoke weed, am not a heavy drinker, in great physical shape, go to gym regularly, own a house, car, dog etc..... I Have my life together. Our relationship has been incredible, not a single issue to speak of... But she found this out, took two days to" think".... Then came back and decided "it wasn't far enough in my past to be the past" and ended our relationship just like that? Does this seem like it was the right/fair thing to do?

[Orokotikki]

Yes of course it was.

Thats her call to make not yours.

Maybe you can maintain, but she can't know that and is too smart to and setting a high enough bar for herself to not have the sword of damocles hanging over her head.

Like I said, maybe you can maintain.

But other people don't and when something bad happens (rough patch, job loss) they destructively turn to such (or get sucked in by its addictive nature) and throw away their job, car, spouse, children, morals for their addiction.

 

Plenty of other men who have their basic life together and wouldn't flirt with crack (and the people who associate themselves with it).

[Mbw7676]

I understand where u are coming from, but keep in mind, she knew this from day one, that it was something I had done occasionally in the past, yet chose to be with me anyway, and took the time to find out how great we were together... said always said that my past shouldn't define who I am .... Well apparently it did?

[basil67]

said always said that my past shouldn't define who I am .... Well apparently it did?

 

I think she means that your distant past shouldn't define you, but this was in the recent past and not long enough ago for her to consider it to be something you'd moved on from.

[Mbw7676]

Also.... I Definitely don't do "crack"... Not the same thing at all, huge difference there for sure....

[SophieG]

I think it’s different for everyone. We all have dealbreakers, and for her, that was one.

[Mbw7676]

Again, you are a great voice of reason, I appreciate it! But I had also just broken up with a long time gf at the same time as the "night".... Yet that was far enough in the past for her? Why would she not also be worried id still be talking to, seeing her or that that relationship wasn't far enough as well? Long term relationships can be much more addicting and hard to let go of than any substance... But that was never a concern... Just makes me question her logic is all?

[Mbw7676]

I do not have an addictive personality at all, and I am against pretty much all drugs, besides weed and very occasional coke use. As long as its not affecting my life, and their responsible contributing members of society, its not my place to say how people should live their lives... in fact I believe alcohol is the worst of them all, it's just not stigmatized as heavily... Despite being a huge problem for alot of people. Just because some one can enjoy a few wine or beers. Doesn't automatically make them an abusive alcoholic? it's the same with anything. What I did 9mths ago before I even knew her, never once affected our relationship or how we were together.

 

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/news/20101101/alcohol-more-harmful-than-crack-or-heroin

[Mbw7676]

I guess I'm just really frustrated, as I loved her alot, treated her amazing and we had a real connection... Hard to find. I had no interest in ever doing that again as I knew how she felt about it....wouksbe have been no problem to leave it where it was, 9mths ago. She definitely made be the best version of me possible, and I never would have let her down. Very frustrating for me. I just feel I should be had a chance to prove that to her. I never let her down once before, we always had incredible times together.... Such a shame to throw that away. It's rare to find that these days.... I know.

[SevenCity]

Again, you are a great voice of reason, I appreciate it! But I had also just broken up with a long time gf at the same time as the "night".... Yet that was far enough in the past for her? Why would she not also be worried id still be talking to, seeing her or that that relationship wasn't far enough as well? Long term relationships can be much more addicting and hard to let go of than any substance... But that was never a concern... Just makes me question her logic is all?

 

Women often do not let logic dictate their actions. Their actions are usually dictated by emotions especially when it comes to relationships.

 

Don’t look for logic where there is none and keep your mouth shut about your past.

 

Logically, you should be thinking “What value will it bring if I share this with her?”

 

Another poster here got dumped for a (not disclosed) skeleton in his closet.

 

Best policy is to keep your mouth shut when it comes to women. You never know what will set them off. Maybe she dated a coke head? Who knows.

 

Is it fair? Hell no. Do women make knee jerk emotion reactions? Quite often .

 

Best thing you can do is go dark and never speak to her again unless she reaches out.

[Orokotikki]

Yeah but she's worried it will and that's her call.

Some people are funny about it.

Maybe she's worried about having a kid in the future, etc, etc,.

Doesn't need to be a habit to be enough to get kids taken away by CPS, or a job lost, etc.

 

You don't need to defend yourself from me. Couldn't care less. You do you champ!

[Art_Critic]

In the end that was a deal breaker for her, for you to try and tell her that she shouldn't have the right to do that and she made a mistake is something that a drug addict would try and tell her, think about it.....

 

You are acting like the person she thinks you may become....

 

BTW, most women will not date a heavy drinker either...

 

You ARE a drug user... period and you cannot try and draw the line between occasional and heavy as she sees a drug user as a deal breaker and you ARE one.

 

BTW.. I am an Alcoholic with almost 32 years of sobriety, from my chair and what you have posted it doesn't seem you are a problem drug addict but a drug user, those are different but you should realize that your drug use will affect others and your relationships, such as what just happened and you don;t have to be an addict for that to happen.

 

I would leave it lie with her, don't bug her and certainly don't use cocaine over this...

If she has a change of heart she will let you know...

[Art_Critic]

Some people with certain professions, school teachers, police officers, counselors, court reporters, nurses etc etc have a zero tolerance for drug use.. maybe that played a role in her decision and it was like that since taking cocaine is illegal and she doesn't want that in her life... or maybe she has been down that road before...

[Mbw7676]

Very true.... I guess I'm just different than her, or perhaps than most people in that way. Very open minded, easy going, but also very intelligent. Personally, unless she cheated on me, there would be pretty much nothing in her past that I would've tossed her away for.... I feel everyone should have a chance to prove themselves? Especially if there's something there worth saving. I really don't care how people choose to pleasure themselves, I could provide a lot of examples of this lol... But obviously we all have to be respectful of the partner we've chosen. I'm 41, been divorced for 6yrs, raised a great 17yr son who has never had a drink or smoke a joint in his life, heath food guy actually, his mother and I have an amazing relationship, we're still great friends... I'm really just done with the "single" life, so over it... I just wanted a great woman, to be active with. Have fun adventures together, great sex... To have someone to care for and love and to make feel special everyday, which I did with her, .. I have alot of love to give, and was/am very ready to settle down and have the good life with the right woman, who I really thought I had found, someone who accepted me for who I am, not who I was, I figured if showed her how amazing she was, did alll the right things (which wasn't forced btw. She was easy to love) that no matter what... We'd prevail.... I'm very disheartened to say the least, I'm tired of this whole game... I just wanna settle down and be happy...

[d0nnivain]

Once she got some date & knew that it was only 120 days before you met, not years or possibly long ago in college, it was more concrete to her & too real. Plus if she knows the buddy that you were using with now she's wondering about your friends' character; wondering if he's still using; being afraid that if he is holding she could get in trouble, or worse caught in some kind of cross fire if his dealer is upset. Maybe that is paranoid on her part but I totally understand where she is coming from.

[preraph]

That's her choice. Someone who doesn't take chances doesn't want to be with someone who does, and honestly, it always baffled me why some guys who live on the wild side even WANT to be with a woman who is straight and narrow. It's a bad match.

[Highndry]

She wasn't into you enough to see past it, hence she was willing to can the whole relationship. A woman who was madly in love wouldn't do this.

[elaine567]

She wasn't into you enough to see past it, hence she was willing to can the whole relationship. A woman who was madly in love wouldn't do this.

She would if it was a deal breaker.

The OPs dealbreaker is cheating, the gfs dealbreaker is apparently recent drug use, nothing to do with "love".

We tend to love the person for who they are. If that image is impacted negatively by a dealbreaker, reasoning and practicality take over and "love" fades and dies.

[Mbw7676]

I can relate to what you say for people as a generalized statement, but I'm with the previous poster... If you really love or at least feel strongly enough about another person.... There's no reason there can't be some conversation, rationalizarion or even a ultimatum... Which I would've gladly agreed to... With her in my life and what we had found in each other, was more than enough for me to feel amazing each and every day. I really thought I had found my partner.... I think she did too until this. Im Really sad about the whole thing to be honest... Just wish she could have a glimpse into my mind to realize that she got it all wrong... I told people in my life, that if you see me disappear, and become "whipped" pursay lol... Don't be suprised, cause this is it for me, I've found the one worth it all and they all understood, my friends and family had never seen me so happy. She never realized how sincere I was....I was elated at the thought that the single life, drinking with the boys etc etc... It was going to be gone, and I wanted that more than anything. I'm. Heartbroken.... If I knew that $50 I spent, 9mths ago for a few hours of "fun" woulda ended me up here... Geez... Don't even know what to say about it.

[Highndry]

She would if it was a deal breaker.

The OPs dealbreaker is cheating, the gfs dealbreaker is apparently recent drug use, nothing to do with "love".

We tend to love the person for who they are. If that image is impacted negatively by a dealbreaker, reasoning and practicality take over and "love" fades and dies.

 

 

It absolutely has everything to do with love. True love is unconditional.

 

This woman for whatever reason wasn't that into him.

 

Move on, OP, there are other fish in the sea.

[Noproblem]

Do you feel now that you need to do coke after she left you like that?

[Mbw7676]

No not at all, I've become a big brother/mentor and starting volunteering with our local youth organization, my son moved away last summer, and I miss being a dad, when I met her, she filled my time and she had 2 kids herself, I felt a semblance of normalcy again... I just want to be a good person and make a difference, and not be remembered for nothing else other than boing a few lines at my buds bday last year, I'm a good person and I have alot of love to give. If I can't love her, I'll disperse it to those that might need/appreciate it more.

[Highndry]

No not at all, I've become a big brother/mentor and starting volunteering with our local youth organization, my son moved away last summer, and I miss being a dad, when I met her, she filled my time and she had 2 kids herself, I felt a semblance of normalcy again... I just want to be a good person and make a difference, and not be remembered for nothing else other than boing a few lines at my buds bday last year, I'm a good person and I have alot of love to give. If I can't love her, I'll disperse it to those that might need/appreciate it more.

 

 

For some reason I was thinking you were younger than you apparently are. Now I can understand why she bailed. If you have a child that is grown and out of the house, and you're still doing lines with the old buddies at your age, that's not some passing thing you did in your youth. It's something you've been doing all your life.

[Acacia98]

If you really love or at least feel strongly enough about another person.... There's no reason there can't be some conversation, rationalizarion or even a ultimatum... Which I would've gladly agreed to...

 

Honestly, for me personally, it would have been a dealbreaker. It's something too recent. You don't describe it as something experimental you engaged in in your twenties and then outgrew and haven't touched since then. I would wonder why someone in his 40s was, in my view, playing Russian roulette once or twice a year. I would wonder whether it was something akin to peer pressure that encouraged him to do it. And I would decide I wasn't comfortable dating a 40-something year old who was still subject to peer pressure or whatever it was that pushed you to experiment with cocaine.

 

Also, you indicated you wouldn't try it again because you knew how she felt about it. Not because you personally outgrew it. I have dated a couple of men who smoked or drinked but then said they were quitting because of how I felt about it. It turned out that that was just the infatuation talking. IMO, the reason for quitting has to come from deep within oneself. Otherwise, the person is liable to relapse as soon as we start having relationship problems or if we break up. I don't want the burden of keeping the person "on the wagon" to fall on my shoulders.

 

In addition, I have dated one guy who claimed the alcohol was in his past because he saw how damaging it was. Well, apparently, it wasn't that far in his past. It was something he still did once or twice a year when he got together with his brothers. And it went on to become something that interfered with our relationship.

 

As a result of my experiences, today, I steer clear of people who seem to think that my role, as the object of their affections, is to inspire them to change their habits. If a man wants to change his unhealthy habits, he should do it because it's the right thing for him to do, whether or not I am in the picture.

 

I understand you're brokenhearted and are having a hard time dealing with tthe break up. Sorry about what you're going through. But the truth of the matter is you cannot control another person's nature. So the sooner you accept that this is who she is and this kind of thing is a dealbreaker for her, the better for you. You will be able to start grieving your loss properly and to move on. You say you love her. If that is truly the case, then you should not be in denial about who she is or try to minimize her reasons for making the choices she made. If you truly love her, you should accept that this is part of her personality and that it makes you two incompatible. Sometimes loving someone means recognizing that you're not a good fit for each other once EVERYTHING is taken into consideration.

Edited February 2, 2019 by Acacia98
Correcting a typo

[darkmoon]

pious and vigilante ... now you are getting to know her ... she's not that nice