Girlfriend Suddenly Ended Amazing Relationship Due to something in my past

[fieldoflavender]

Yeah but doing it 20 years ago and doing it within the same year is a big difference.

 

There are some things in life I would never ever do and drug use is one of them. Some people feel strongly about these things. It was a hard deal breaker for her and you likely had other issues and it wasn't worth it. I could understand where she is coming from - you aren't compatible - you should all move on.

 

I tried to get over something my ex did - but I could not and I tried but it ended up being psychological torture for both of us. Save both of you. She made the mature decision.

[Purepony]

She wasn't into you enough to see past it, hence she was willing to can the whole relationship. A woman who was madly in love wouldn't do this.

 

 

 

Right on ! 100% true

 

She just wanted an out

[Purepony]

Op you sound like a good person who means well but you said that you told all your friends that you might become “whipped” etc

 

So I’m assuming you put all your eggs in one basket and maybe that’s the real reason why she left.

 

It sounds to me like maybe you became too attached or clingy but I’m just going by what you say

[NEB01]

If she can get rid of you over something like that BEFORE you started dating there is something else.

 

My biggest turn off/fear is a girl that has done drugs in the past. My ex told me while dating that she had done it before we dated and although it disgusted me I got over it. We are do dumb stuff.

[fieldoflavender]

Yeah but all past actions reflect on future behaviour and risk. Drug use is breaking the law in a big way and not even just soft stuff. For some people like me, it's a pretty huge deal. I want zero association with someone like that. What if they felt weak? They'll want to hit it up again especially if they have friends who do that kind of stuff. I don't want my future family with addiction problems. There is nothing wrong with that. The rest of you wasn't worth it for them to take that risk. It's really not that hard to figure out.

[some_username1]

I got pretty down & upset with myself last night....to be fair, her judgement on my past and throwing me away like garbage, lead me to feel this way...it's very fresh still. I'm Lonley and hurting alot. I don't think Its a very great way to treat someone, nor something I'd ever do to her , therefore... Maybe shes not the great person I thought she was? I could understand if she caught me doing it last week, but that's not the case. I didn't even know her... And tbh what I did before I met her, should really be none of her business. However, it's ok for her to drink so much wine, that she's in the bathroom throwing up for 2hrs, while I look/clean up after her? How some people rationalize things, especially with absolutely no experience on the subject is beyond me. I'm a great person, loyal, kind & honest always have been...

 

I think this is a very valid point. I understand the whole kids thing around cocaine...but her throwing up because she can't handle her drink diminishes her ability to judge you for your ireesponsibility. Alcohol is given a hall pass for it's effects because it's legal but for me, speaking as someone who has some experience in the field, alcohol is a very dangerous substance which, were it invented today, would be banned along with all other controlled substances. We have a historical relationship with alcohol that stretches back hundreds of years and that seems to me to be the only thing that keeps it legal because it causes addiction, illness and people to be highly violent. It really does not do a lot of positive good to society.

 

But I digress, some people just don't understand recreational drug use OP and are quick to make judgements about the person involved without getting to know them and understand them, as this thread testifies! But that's their choice and it helps you by proving that they are not the right person for you. The right person would know your personality well enough to know whether you have an addictive personality and it is symptomatic of a long term issue or whether it literally was just a line on a night out because at that particular moment in time you had no other responsibilities or SO to consider. It really can be as simple as that and certainly nothing that will kill you or you should feel excessive shame over.

 

Move on and find someone with some empathy who is willing to understand you and discover more about why you would have done what you did.

 

Flipping out over one instance of cocaine use in the recent past seems so histrionic, coupled with her irresponsibility with alcohol leads me to think that you gave her a great excuse to rationalise a general dissatisfaction with the relationship that she was having difficulty finding a way to end it.

 

As an addendum I'll give you an extra insight into how the female brain works. I recently dated a girl who told me on the first date that she was worried that I would be too square to fit in with her mates because she was a party girl and played hard on the weekends. She was happy when I told her about some of my antics over the years. I am a lot quieter these days as I transition to middle age and look to settle down yet by the 4th date she started judging me on my past (even though she had given me a good run for my money!) and told me that I would be a rubbish father because of the way I used to live, her biological clock was ticking and she wanted kids in the near future and didn't think I would make a good dad because of how I *used* to live!

 

Women have very little introspection and are great at judging you for things they do themselves unfortunately, which is why I would not take anything to heart over this woman, be somewhat grateful you found all this out now and leanr that maybe you might want to concentrate more on the person you are today than the person you were even 4 months ago.

[fieldoflavender]

Um yeah except alcohol is legal whereas cocaine is illegal. Small difference. We can add other illegal offences to it while we're at it - shoplifting, vandalism why not? AS long as there's a "reason for it".

 

It's okay to make mistakes in life, but at least own up to them. There's a reason why employers don't often hire people with a criminal past. Is that "right"? Meh, but it's their choice to make. Why take the risk?

 

I think for the future, if you truly want to be clean and reflect, maybe you can be with someone who can be okay with it or just be with people who do drugs too and then they won't care.

Edited February 14, 2019 by fieldoflavender

[elaine567]

Seems so many here do not want to believe a woman can throw this guy over simply for his cocaine use, but of course she can.

Drug use is a big deal to most, it is illegal for one thing and takes the user into the realms of all sorts of low lifes, so why would that NOT be a deal beaker?

I get some here are justifying their own lifestyle choices, but to assume "Oh she didn't love you", " Oh she was just wanting an out", "Oh she was some sort of a drama queen" is being naive in the extreme.

Many women will have a zero tolerance attitude to drug use, with or without kids, so yes they will walk whether they are "in love" or not...

 

Drugs "in the past" is a whole different ball game from "I did it at my mate's birthday party... a few months ago" - a whole different ball game.

[Rayce]

Seems so many here do not want to believe a woman can throw this guy over simply for his cocaine use, but of course she can.

Drug use is a big deal to most, it is illegal for one thing and takes the user into the realms of all sorts of low lifes, so why would that NOT be a deal beaker?

I get some here are justifying their own lifestyle choices, but to assume "Oh she didn't love you", " Oh she was just wanting an out", "Oh she was some sort of a drama queen" is being naive in the extreme.

Many women will have a zero tolerance attitude to drug use, with or without kids, so yes they will walk whether they are "in love" or not...

 

Drugs "in the past" is a whole different ball game from "I did it at my mate's birthday party... a few months ago" - a whole different ball game.

 

I threw away a guy just last night because of his cocaine use. We had a pretty nice 1st date but he followed up with asking me if would be up to listening to music, drinking some beer and doing some coke on our next date? WTF

 

Just before I blocked him... I replied back no thanks I divorce my ex husband over his cocaine use (among other things) he was an addict and it wasn't my cup of tea. Good luck.

[Whodatdog]

It would be a total dealbreaker for me too. Had you said you did it 20 years ago in college, thats one thing, but within the past year? At your age? Theres not one thing good about that, engaging in illegal activity. So many moving parts with that, from the people that you "hang" with who also do drugs, from the drug dealers you get drugs from. Im sure she didnt believe the "once or twice" use either. Who would? A lot of people dont want people like that in their circle of friends, even in the outer circle, and you have put them there with her. Its a dangerous game, and she didnt want to play. Find someone who does, Im sure theres a lot out there.

[fieldoflavender]

Sure you can have your own theories, but a lot of don't exactly want to have a criminal record or be with people who have a criminal record. Go work on activism and changing the law but at the current time, coke and other stuff is illegal and alcohol isn't. Is it fair? Go debate, but the law is the law. Break the law - get caught - have a criminal record, lots of fun -not.

[Mbw7676]

I have no criminal record, one speeding ticket my entire life. I volunteer in my community, and have raised a son of my own to 17yrs old who had never touched alcohol or any drugs, and is a health and excersice nut. She was definitely aware that this was something had done in the past, from day one... She accepted it, and we continued to have a wonderful relationship... Everything was amazing. She said so when she left, Thst I showed her how a man is supposed to treat I woman, awesome sex, and all the wonderful things I could've brought into her life, and all of the incredible times and connection we shared, but despite all that. She doesn't think it can work... And she's hoping she made the right decision, but right now, its the decision she feels she has to make. Let's also keep in mind, on the Friday, she found out her nasty divorce, was going to trial, she Had to sell the house her kids grew up in, downgrade and do this all within the next few mths... and is generally being f'd over by her ex who cheated in her, causing the divorce. She broke up with me on Sunday. I think this had a alot to do with it. I was the one thing/stress she could remove from her life. And she didn't have the energy or time to deal with it. I thought I had a partner with her, we spent alot of time together, I was genuinely happy. And one night eve I spent when I was a depressed, single guy befire I ever met her, should not be held over me for the rest of my life... She said it was an experience in my past, not far enough to be called my past, yet, she wS having sex with a guy before she met me... And apparently THAT'S far enough to be called the past. It all seems so strange, literally telling me how happy she was one day, then ended it the next..... Which make it so much more difficult

[basil67]

Nobody has said that this choice should be held over your head for the rest of your life. Many have said that it would be different if you'd done this 20 years ago in college. But this was recent usage - and far too recent for her.

 

Justifying using because of your emotional state at the time doesn't help your argument.

[elaine567]

Yes, your mistake was the cocaine use, but the other mistake you made was getting involved with a separated woman.

You were the rebound, that is why it felt so good.

She slotted you right into the missing "love of her life" slot. She treated you from early on as special and loved. That slot felt so warm, cosy and comfortable, but breaking up is however par for the course. Once they realise that you are not the love of their life, in fact they hardly know you really, they pack up and leave fast. The divorce is often the catalyst to leaving too.

 

NEVER date separated people, they rarely know their own mind and tend to badly hurt those who get involved with them.

 

 

Of course as a woman in the middle of a nasty divorce she cannot afford to be seen dating a drug user. It could have cost her her kids if her ex and his lawyer were out gunning for her.

[littleblackheart]

It was just 5 months, OP - ie, not very long at all.

 

Not to undermine your time together, but I think you need to try and keep this in perspective.

[Mbw7676]

She can lose her kids cause I'm a "drug user"? The one night in years, only myself and 3 of my friends know about? That seems pretty f'n ridiculous? Again, no history of drug abuse, to records to speak of, upstanding citizen... Real life isn't law and order. I went thru a divorce 7yrs ago , and this was the one point my lawyer made clear is that real life isn't what you think it is on TV? How could that ever be proven? Why could I not say her ex and his gf are also drug users? I think that doesn't make alot of sense. If some one has a whiskey, are they now an alcoholic? Have they been in and out of treatment? belligerent behaviour... A persons aost is their past and should stay they as long as it isn't who there are now. Anyway else that says different...is ignorant and judgmental Should rethink Thier outlook on people and life.

[Mbw7676]

And to add to this.... Women complain all the time about guys being unfaithful, liars or dishonest. They they try to make you feel the you can tell them anything, and they won't judge you, you're in a safe place etc etc... Yeah, well this is a perfect example of where outright lying would've worked I'm my favor... If I had said 2 even 3yrs ago... All would be good. Well what do yo think I'm going to say going forward. My honesty in the matter should've have reflected my character... Not the other way around. There was literally no reason other than that relationship wise to end things. We really were a very remarkable, loving couple together, with the same interest, intelligent conversations, spontanety.... Passion. In fact she had told me that a bug part about her attraction to me that made me so interestimg, is the fact we had different lives.... No I didn't collect stamps, stay home with my parents on the wknds and watch movies... L lined a very exciting and full life. But was and am very much interested at the pint where all I wanted to do was settle down with a great woman, spend time together enjoying life, and all the adventures it has to offer. From now on. I lie or maybe just not tell the whole truth . And yes, women... You have done that to all of us! If. A person treats you amazing, respects you, listens to you, loves you, and give you their best. That deserves a little bit more respect and consideration , what the heck does it matter what I did before I knew you... I can't change that. And screw you for making me feel like less of a person for it that's how I was raised anyway.

[bathtub-row]

You say you’re opposed to drugs yet you do them. Do you not see how you delude yourself about this? I would get it if it was a one-time thing but you’re playing with fire by doing coke. Your rationale is exactly what people use until they’re completely hooked. It may take one catastrophe in your life to send you over the edge and you could easily turn to coke as a method of coping.

 

You do get it that most people wouldn’t even consider doing coke, right? Yet you opened that door. I don’t blame your ex at all for ending things with you. You can ponder it and question her motives all day long but the bottom line is that yes the two of you had one major issue in your relationship and that issue was a dealbreaker. I haven’t used my axe murderer analogy in a long time but I’ll use it here. “Mom, I met the most wonderful man and he’s perfect except that he’s an axe murderer.” Granted, you’re not an axe murderer - I hope - but that major dealbreaker is there and it can’t be ignored no matter how perfect everything else was.

 

You toying with hard drugs will be a major red flag to most women - except for the ones who also do drugs.

[Mbw7676]

The same could be said for anyone who has had a drink in their life. I know 1000x more lives Thst have been destroyed by alcohol than coke..you're obvs speaking out of ignorance, and have never done it. It is not what everyone thinks it is or what the media has portrayed it to be. Not everyone has an addictive personality. Playing with fire? I did a few lines a year ago, first time I've done that in years, and coping mechanism? No I did it cause it was fun & made me feel different than normal for one night. EXACTLY the same reason people will go drinking... No different. Do not forget... I was honest about this from DAY 1.

[Mbw7676]

And let's add to this a little more, you talk about the "shady people you'd have to hang around to get it"? Her brother is a corrections officer and bodybuilder... He buys his steroid from the same guy who sell the coke and also the roids to half the police force in the city (steroids are legal to use in Canada but not to sell FYI) so its all very hippocryitcal) I was at a party years ago, where doctors, nurses, lawyers and cops... We're doing cocaine...... Are their lives destroyed? Far from it. People can use anything, abuse is a different story. Just like alcohol, cheeseburgers, sex power or greed....

[bathtub-row]

Then I’d say be with someone from that large group of very intelligent and obviously successful people instead of us ignorant ones. Because I’d never be with someone who did coke. End of story. It’s not negotiable. The only reason I could see that your ex was ok with it in the beginning was what the others said - that she thought it was in your distant past and then realized that it wasn’t. There are just some people who have a complete aversion to drugs. Honestly, I’d be wary of the guy who takes steroids, too. This is just a thing with me - and most likely with your ex.

[Purepony]

Op you sound like you are making excuses for her

 

She saw a door knew it and took it .... for all you know she might be trying to work things out with the ex husband who knows

[Whodatdog]

The same could be said for anyone who has had a drink in their life. I know 1000x more lives Thst have been destroyed by alcohol than coke..you're obvs speaking out of ignorance, and have never done it. It is not what everyone thinks it is or what the media has portrayed it to be. Not everyone has an addictive personality. Playing with fire? I did a few lines a year ago, first time I've done that in years, and coping mechanism? No I did it cause it was fun & made me feel different than normal for one night. EXACTLY the same reason people will go drinking... No different. Do not forget... I was honest about this from DAY 1.

 

Your indignance and temper tantrum sounds like someone using. Oh sure, I can quit any time I want to...I just dont want to. Its always about other people, not you. And as has been said about a million times, alcohol is not illegal. Coke is. So just keep using and deluding yourself, meanwhile your girlfriend has walked, for very good reason.

[FMW]

OP, again, the two of you are not compatible.

 

Just as it's useless to change the minds of the posters here that don't see things the way you do, it's useless to try and change hers. You're only making yourself feel worse by pursuing this.

 

Let her go.