Girlfriend Suddenly Ended Amazing Relationship Due to something in my past

[Mbw7676]

Pls elaborate?

[littleblackheart]

she had 2 kids herself.

 

Maybe she's being protective of them? Maybe it's an accumulation of other things?

 

Either way, all you can do is respect her decision.

[Mbw7676]

Ok, so I'm going to take it up to an uncomfortable level here, and see who still tries to be the sweetie heart. So, let's for a minute, just assume that one party was very into being whipped, abused, rough sex.... Hardcore ****. Probably not something everyone is into, or would be proud to share with others, dirty pleasure, Thst defies the norms of the majority of the "norms" we live with.(not much So, Thst being said... Are these people automatically labelled "deviants" because they take pleasure in something that most people disapprove of? Tbh, people need to loosen up a bit, there are many, unique and exciting sources of ways to take ourselves away from the trappings of the everyday, we all get one life to live, and I really don't feel I'm in a position to dictate to any one person how they are allowed or should live it. Does this have bearing on our particular relationship.... Yes, maybe not the one for me.... But ultimately, we should all live our lives the way we want to, and not how our, mom, brother, friends or whomever told us we should be doing? I dunno... You all judge me, I don't really care how anyone wants to elevate their life. We all only get one... If we can covertly make it exciting and more interesting from time to time, good on ya'll!

[elaine567]

Tbh, people need to loosen up a bit, there are many, unique and exciting sources of ways to take ourselves away from the trappings of the everyday, we all get one life to live, and I really don't feel I'm in a position to dictate to any one person how they are allowed or should live it. Does this have bearing on our particular relationship.... Yes, maybe not the one for me.... But ultimately, we should all live our lives the way we want to, and not how our, mom, brother, friends or whomever told us we should be doing? I dunno... You all judge me, I don't really care how anyone wants to elevate their life. We all only get one... If we can covertly make it exciting and more interesting from time to time, good on ya'll!

 

 

All fine and good but by the same token you are correct, YOU do not get to dictate to others how they live their lives.

Many, many women with children are going to avoid dating a drug user, that is just how it is. Your ex is not an outlier, she is voicing what many mothers would think, she is protecting her children from potential harm and herself too.

No matter how much you want to justify, minimise and trivialise it and complain about being judged, others are not going to give you a pass either as cocaine use in a 40 something man is NOT often seen as a trivial matter, it is seen as a BIG deal.

[littleblackheart]

For sure, live your life the way you want to. Not everyone lives the same way you do, though; shared values are an important component of a healthy relationship.

 

If you're not compatible, there really isn't much you can do about that.

[Mbw7676]

Ya, you're right.... This world would be better off without another drug user scumbag anywhere near them... Drug user, scum Thst I am.... Tired of it all....just done. You're totally right. I never seen it that way until now...

[grays]

That's her choice. Someone who doesn't take chances doesn't want to be with someone who does, and honestly, it always baffled me why some guys who live on the wild side even WANT to be with a woman who is straight and narrow. It's a bad match.

 

Yes. She’s too straight and narrow for you. I haven’t done cocaine for over 30 years, since I was 17. But I know what it is and what it isn’t. One night nine months ago would be totally insignificant to me. But she either has no experience with it or she’s been burned.

 

I don’t think I’d want to be with someone that uptight and inexperienced. IMO, people who haven’t lived a little tend to be pretty judgy. And it looks like she wants someone similarly uptight.

[Mbw7676]

Ya, I know...i actually hate my life now, I thought I was just having fun from time to time.... But now I see I'm a total scumbag, loser... I can completely understand why nobody would ever want to be by my side.... **** it..41, still a loser... No kidding why she wants nothing to do with me.... Who would... I'm done

[littleblackheart]

Are you okay, OP?

[grays]

I wouldn’t want to be with someone so rigid, OP. I know it’s disappointing that she is this way, but she is and therefore wouldn’t make a good partner for you. If it wasn’t this, it would be something else. You are not a rule follower (which I respect) and she is. But to me the judginess would be a huge problem.

[Art_Critic]

Ya, I know...i actually hate my life now, I thought I was just having fun from time to time.... But now I see I'm a total scumbag, loser... I can completely understand why nobody would ever want to be by my side.... **** it..41, still a loser... No kidding why she wants nothing to do with me.... Who would... I'm done

 

Just because you had a deal breaker in your life and she exercised the deal breaker and broke up doesn't mean you are less of a person or that there is something wrong with you.

It seems like just an incompatible lifestyle issue...

 

If I were you I would out her out of your head, go find someone else who isn't as willing to dump you over your recent past.

There are tons of women out there.. like the poster said above, if it wasn't this it would have been something else.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ya, I know...i actually hate my life now, I thought I was just having fun from time to time.... But now I see I'm a total scumbag, loser... I can completely understand why nobody would ever want to be by my side.... **** it..41, still a loser... No kidding why she wants nothing to do with me.... Who would... I'm done

 

You went from being positive and upbeat and touting what a great guy you are when you started this thread last night to this.....have you spent the last 12 hours drinking or something? You sound like a completely different person.

 

When I read your first three posts I thought you were in your twenties and I thought wow, yeah she really overreacted. When you said you're 41 with a child, that changed my mind about it. The fact that you used cocaine to cope with a breakup put up a red flag for this mother of two. Maybe her ex was a drug user? Maybe she lost a bit of trust in you because she feels misled by you saying it was in your "past" and she just doesn't want to have to be wondering what else there is she doesn't know about or that you'd potentially do (i.e. more drugs)?

 

Whether or not the one-time drug use is right or wrong is not the issue. The issue is that she's drawn a hard line when it comes to drugs and you might not agree with her stance, but you have to respect it. She doesn't agree that you deserve time to prove yourself. You think differently about this issue. You think it's OK to do from time to time, and she doesn't.

 

All of your posts have been about how you are tired of dating, thought you found the one, would never let her down. I hope you're not saying to her over and over what a great partner you are, how you've never "let her down" as you say, and never would.... women don't like this because you're not listening to her....she has decided this is a deal breaker and you're not the one for her.... trying to talk her into realizing how great you are won't work and will only make her more solid in her decision.

[ExpatInItaly]

You have discovered a significant incompatibility, OP.

 

You think a little coke now and then is no big deal; your ex disagrees. It's too recent for her. I get that you are feeling defensive and trying to justify it, but she is also allowed to be uncomfortable with it and opt out.

 

Whether or not the rest of us agree with you or her is not really relevant. The point is that she has her dealbreakers, this was one of them, and there's not much more you can do about it.

[Highndry]

Ya, you're right.... This world would be better off without another drug user scumbag anywhere near them... Drug user, scum Thst I am.... Tired of it all....just done. You're totally right. I never seen it that way until now...

 

Ya, I know...i actually hate my life now, I thought I was just having fun from time to time.... But now I see I'm a total scumbag, loser... I can completely understand why nobody would ever want to be by my side.... **** it..41, still a loser... No kidding why she wants nothing to do with me.... Who would... I'm done

 

 

I'm not sure if these posts are supposed to be tongue-in-cheek or not, but if this is really how you feel I'd look into some therapy or something. It's not normal or healthy to quickly spiral into feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, especially due to opinions of anonymous people on the internet, and it suggests you're not ready to be in a loving relationship, because you have to love yourself first and foremost.

 

The reality of alcohol and drugs is that they are an escape from reality. It's not natural to alter the chemicals in the brain, and for all too many it becomes a habit that destroys their own life as well as those around them.

 

For me, a woman in her 40s with children, who was doing coke with friends 4 months before I met her, is a DEFINITE NO-GO. I can't even begin to list the reasons why, because they are bountiful.

[Mbw7676]

I got pretty down & upset with myself last night....to be fair, her judgement on my past and throwing me away like garbage, lead me to feel this way...it's very fresh still. I'm Lonley and hurting alot. I don't think Its a very great way to treat someone, nor something I'd ever do to her , therefore... Maybe shes not the great person I thought she was? I could understand if she caught me doing it last week, but that's not the case. I didn't even know her... And tbh what I did before I met her, should really be none of her business. However, it's ok for her to drink so much wine, that she's in the bathroom throwing up for 2hrs, while I look/clean up after her? How some people rationalize things, especially with absolutely no experience on the subject is beyond me. I'm a great person, loyal, kind & honest always have been...

[Acacia98]

Ok, so I'm going to take it up to an uncomfortable level here, and see who still tries to be the sweetie heart. So, let's for a minute, just assume that one party was very into being whipped, abused, rough sex.... Hardcore ****. Probably not something everyone is into, or would be proud to share with others, dirty pleasure, Thst defies the norms of the majority of the "norms" we live with.(not much So, Thst being said... Are these people automatically labelled "deviants" because they take pleasure in something that most people disapprove of?

 

This is where compatibility comes into play. If you're into S&M, you look for a partner whom you can share it with. You look for somebody who will accept you, not someone who will view you as a deviant.

 

Along the same lines, look for someone who will accept your experimentation with cocaine as a part of your recent past that she can live with.

 

You can't force yourself to be okay with something your partner does if it genuinely bugs you. And you can't force your partner to accept you for who/what you are if it genuinely bugs her. You both have to be able to be your genuine selves and to live with each other's genuine selves. That's why compatibility is such an important part of making relationships work.

 

In short, she is the wrong person for you.

[Acacia98]

I really think it would help you if you focused on the fact that it was well within your rights to reject her too. Even now, after your relationship has ended, it is well within your rights to re-examine your relationship with her and to tell yourself, "She was not the right person for me. I want to be with someone who is more accepting of who I am/more forgiving." Doing that will help you feel less vulnerable. And it will give you something specific to look for in your next relationship.

 

Most of us have experienced the pain of being rejected, so we have a tiny idea of where you're coming from. Rejection is a part of life. It is also a big part of the search for the right man or woman. The fact that she rejected you DOES NOT make you a worthless human being. You have something to offer the world; you have something to offer the right woman in a relationship. So focus on looking for the right woman, someone who will love and accept the real you.

 

In addition, be honest with yourself about your experimentation with cocaine. The fact that you are so much on the defensive about the issue suggests that you might not be 100% okay with it yourself. You don't owe any of us any explanations. But you do owe yourself honesty: you owe yourself some honest self-examination.

[FMW]

You just weren't compatible. I know you probably felt your were before this, but you stumbled into an area that proved you were not.

 

Don't let her, or any comments by posters here, make you feel bad about yourself. We all have things about us that some would view negatively. Don't try to have a serious relationship with someone who has fundamental differences in the way they view things.

 

I also wouldn't hide things about your past when you get to know women in the future as has been suggested. Secrets have a way of getting out. Most importantly, the differences in the way someone views things is rarely limited to one issue (in this case casual cocaine use). You would likely find incompatibility in other areas.

 

Move on and find someone that sees things the way you do, or at least accepts the differences without judgment.

[Simple Logic]

I've had an absolutely amazing relationship/connection with this woman for the past 5mths... Like pretty magical really?however, she found out I did cocaine on a night out with my buds for his bday, 4 mths before I even met her. That was now 9mths ago. She knew from the beginning I had done it in my "past".... it's not a regular thing for me at all , I haven't done it all since we've been together, we spend most of our time together, and we're very happy, active and loving as a couple ....I maybe did it once or twice a year before we met when I was a single guy. I rarely smoke weed, am not a heavy drinker, in great physical shape, go to gym regularly, own a house, car, dog etc..... I Have my life together. Our relationship has been incredible, not a single issue to speak of... But she found this out, took two days to" think".... Then came back and decided "it wasn't far enough in my past to be the past" and ended our relationship just like that? Does this seem like it was the right/fair thing to do?

 

You don’t get it. She doesnt want to get involved with a recreational drug abuser.

[MetallicHue]

I completely agree with finding my way. I know dealing with mental illness casts a strong negative outlook so I can relate to this in some way from that stereotype. I really don’t think seldom drug use is something that bad. I’m sure there’s people out there who’d not have a big problem with it. If you find the right person I t’ll work out. Don’t let other people judging you affect your own sense of self.

[salparadise]

Women often do not let logic dictate their actions. Their actions are usually dictated by emotions especially when it comes to relationships. Don’t look for logic where there is none and keep your mouth shut about your past. Is it fair? Hell no. [...] Do women make knee jerk emotion reactions? Quite often.

 

OP, you need to quit internalizing this and shaming yourself. You are the same person today that you were when this woman saw you as an opportunity and latched onto you.

 

SevenCity is correct- it's not logical and it's not fair. Such is life, love and relationships.

 

I got dumped two years ago, supposedly over something relatively insignificant that happened one night when we went to a show. I was hurt badly. I spent a lot of time afterward trying to make sense of it. I am a rational personality type, she was a feeler. Her action was based entirely in feeling... however, the thing that happened that night was not actually the reason. It was a trigger, and served as an excuse, but it was not the reason.

 

Human behavior is driven far more by inherent biological programming than most people are comfortable admitting. Women are programmed to be highly selective when it comes to men, and the criteria is almost exclusivity social status, power, and wealth. They also prefer the highest quality genetics, and often have to compromise or use other strategies. During the mate selection process (dating), they are always trying to optimize. Sometimes it's conscious, and other times they don't realize what they're doing at all and will deny, deny, deny. Biological drives manifest as feelings that drive behavior that accomplishes a biological goal, even if the goal is not in the conscious realm. For example, we usually drink water because we're thirsty, not because we rationalize that our hydration is a tad bit low. The same principles apply to mate selection and sexual behavior.

 

So, my theory is that when a man is in a good relationship (lots of attraction, love and affection, no dysfunction, no fussing and fighting), and the woman dumps him over some silly bullsh*t that doesn't make any logical sense at all... the reason is because she intuitively believes that she can do better (status, wealth, power). If this optimization process is working beneath her awareness, she will start divesting (growing dissatisfied) and wait for a trigger or excuse so that she can avoid any moral dilemmas over how she treated a good man and threw away a good relationship.

 

I was with my ex-gf for almost two years, and I can see her dating activity by her appearance/disappearance on a dating app. Her new pattern is two or three months on, one or two months off. She's discarding men at an ever increasing rate, always confident that she can do better, probably reciting the mantra "never settle" five times a day. IOW, she threw away the good with dreams of perfection, and now she's basically got nothing more than some new notches on the bedpost.

 

OP, hang in there. Try not to rationalize too much. Life has ups and downs and all you can do is roll with it sometimes. No self flagellation.

Edited February 10, 2019 by salparadise

[littleblackheart]

Except after just 5 months, the gf is totally entitled to cut it short due to recreational drug use within the last 12 months when she has 2 kids.

 

As a mother, that seems like a completely rational decision.

 

OP shouldn't self-flagellate, but he should also accept that cocaine use is not to everyone's taste.

[elaine567]

So, my theory is that when a man is in a good relationship (lots of attraction, love and affection, no dysfunction, no fussing and fighting), and the woman dumps him over some silly bullsh*t that doesn't make any logical sense at all... the reason is because she intuitively believes that she can do better (status, wealth, power). If this optimization process is working beneath her awareness, she will start divesting (growing dissatisfied) and wait for a trigger or excuse so that she can avoid any moral dilemmas over how she treated a good man and threw away a good relationship.

 

 

But "good" depends on perspective, what is good to one person may be hell to the next. Everyone wants what is best for themselves, surely?

Enough men ditching perfectly "good" women in favour of "better" too.

It is what dating is about.

People date until they realise it isn't working for them and then walk as they know they can do better.

No-one unless damaged or desperate is going to put up with "less".

 

The "Bullsh*t" and "illogical" reasons for the split are often more about trying to sugarcoat the pill and minimising hurt, rather than an attempt to tell the honest truth.

 

If a person is a domineering bully with bad breath, antisocial habits, and is boring as hell and dreadful in bed...

Few are going to say that cold to their face are they?

[salparadise]

The "Bullsh*t" and "illogical" reasons for the split are often more about trying to sugarcoat the pill and minimising hurt, rather than an attempt to tell the honest truth.

 

Eh, I think people are just unaware of their actual motivations. Sure, sometimes people have very different views on a relationship, but if they weren't happy you'd think there would be some discussion of the issues. And I'm not saying that men don't do the same or similar, just that women tend to be more passive and it manifests differently. When there is no dissatisfaction expressed, and then they use a teeny-tiny excuse, you know it's disingenuous, and it's not sugar coating.

 

I'm not going to argue small points. I stand by my original post.

[skanzer]

She already knew before she dated you, as you said, that you had done this, right? She accepted you as you are, before starting to date you, as it should be. If she had a problem, she shouldn't have dated you and wasted your time. You can't change a persons past, but you can accept them as they are in the moment and see how things go moving forward, if you decide to date them.

 

She is selfish in my opinion, and I believe she broke up for other reasons that she is not saying. She should've decided from the beginning, that you weren't 'worth' dating in her eyes, because of this action, not down the road in the relationship. She's being extremely judgmental, and unloving, by claiming you as 'damaged-goods'.

 

It was her cruel way of exiting the relationship, and putting it all on you, to distract from the real reasons she left.