I am the OM...

[ibby7]

I was the sole caregiver for my 40 year old girlfriend of 17 years and almost 2 years ago she passed away from colon cancer 3 months after diagnosis. Needless to say I was devastated and vulnerable. My life grew dark.

 

One Sunday afternoon on the way home from work around the 1 year anniversary I walked into a new brewery by my apartment to check it out.

 

Behind the bar was a short latina/asian bartender. A short but strong woman. She initially reminded me of my sister. There was no real physical attraction to her at all but there was a definite intellectual connection which grew into a friendship in which she was an ear to listen to the trials of my life that I had just went through.

 

Well one night I went to see her at one of the other breweries and she was visibly very excited. So I made plans to meet up with her and a couple of other friends. I ended up flaking and she was disappointed. It's then when I realized she was attracted to me and wanted something more. The big problem.. She has been married for over 15 years and had 3 children. She was up front about this. They seemed like they had a great marriage.

 

Well one night I go to see her at work.. she isn't there so I message her. And she says she left work and went the other brewery and that she wouldn't be good company right now. I said don't be silly tell me where you're at and I'll come cheer you up. So I go meet her and she shows me a nude picture she found on her husbands phone and she starts telling me how bad her marriage actually is and how unhappy she is. I console her and we hang out with another friend and all 3 of us head back to my place to watch a movie. She falls asleep super quick me and my other friend watch the movie and I pass out. She wakes me up on the way out and says thanks and they leave.

 

She was laying the groundwork for the affair.

 

I was vulnerable.. she was unhappy.. I was lonely and she was being taken advantage of and take for granted by her husband.

 

I become attracted to her or the idea of not being the lonely grieving man I was.

 

We enter into an affair.

 

Story is long so I thought I'd break it up. It's really an interesting and sadly entertaining story.

[TheRainbow]

Do you know for sure her relationship is in trouble or she is being taken advantage of? Women lie. I know I told some lies, even though I had some severe insecurities. My husband wasn't a bad partner, if anything he was always there for me. So I'd really take a second, reflect, and decide if being the other man is something you want to be. For me it's unfulfilling.

[sandylee1]

Sorry for the loss of your GF. You are vulnerable, but this relationship isn't going to help you in the long run.

 

Even if she were to leave her husband, you don't need the baggage of 3 children and a potentially angry Ex husband.

[BaileyB]

I’ve lost someone dear to me to cancer. It is horrific and I am sorry for your loss.

 

I can appreciate the lonely and vulnerable place your find yourself. But again, this relationship is not going to help. It will only bring you more pain.

 

You can justify your “connection” all you want, but to be very blunt... at the end of the day, you are sleeping with another man’s wife and taking her time and attention away from her children. Is that really the man that you want to be?

[ibby7]

Do you know for sure her relationship is in trouble or she is being taken advantage of? Women lie. I know I told some lies, even though I had some severe insecurities. My husband wasn't a bad partner, if anything he was always there for me. So I'd really take a second, reflect, and decide if being the other man is something you want to be. For me it's unfulfilling.

 

Yeah I'm pretty certain. I respect the fact that it's probably not as bad as it seems. She basically sleeps at my place 4-5 nights a week. She lives in another city about an hour away. So she gets up and drives home right before her children wake up to care for them. The guy she says doesn't dare ask him where she's been and with who. He apparently just tries to bargain with her.. l like will you stay home on your days off or will you come home one or two nights a week.. and you can still do whatever you want.

 

It's kind of twisted. She tells me it's been ten years of neglect and taking her for granted. Ten years of booze and video games and her raising the kids, working full time and going to school.

 

She cleans the house, Cooks, shops, washes his clothes. When her and the kids go do things like the zoo and what not he's never there. And then there are financial responsibilities. He's careless with money she isn't. Some of this I know to be true for sure through pictures she sends me. The financial stuff who knows.. ours none of my business.

[ibby7]

I’ve lost someone dear to me to cancer. It is horrific and I am sorry for your loss.

 

I can appreciate the lonely and vulnerable place your find yourself. But again, this relationship is not going to help. It will only bring you more pain.

 

You can justify your “connection” all you want, but to be very blunt... at the end of the day, you are sleeping with another man’s wife and taking her time and attention away from her children. Is that really the man that you want to be?

 

Just to be fair when we're together the children are at home asleep. And I don't believe in marriage so I don't view her as his possession. But I know there probably isn't a long term future for us and that's okay.

[ibby7]

Sorry for the loss of your GF. You are vulnerable, but this relationship isn't going to help you in the long run.

 

Even if she were to leave her husband, you don't need the baggage of 3 children and a potentially angry Ex husband.

 

Yes. We've agreed that she's not looking for someone to replace her husband. And we would keep her family life separate from ours.

 

I'm not naive to the point to think there is a long term future for us or even a traditional relationship. I'm looking for someone to just enjoy movie or dinner hang out then I go home to my place and she goes home to her children and home life. But the strain of dating someone still living with their husband does take it's toll.

And it's become almost not worth it. Because I realize things for her are going to get worse before they get better. She'll need her space... Lots of it. And she may crack. That's always a possibility.

[Mrs._December]

She was laying the groundwork for the affair.

 

I was vulnerable.. she was unhappy.. I was lonely and she was being taken advantage of and take for granted by her husband.

So...you were a victim, then?

 

I'm looking for someone to just enjoy movie or dinner hang out then I go home to my place and she goes home to her children and home life.

There are a ton of single moms out there who have kids and NO husband, and really don't want anything serious because they need to raise their kids to adulthood first before they make their own lives a priority. so they're not looking for anything serious. But like you, they'd like to occasionally enjoy the company of the opposite sex.

 

They're all over the dating sites.

 

Bonus points - these women don't come with a husband who might just decide to rearrange your face with a pitchfork when they find out that you're 'dating' their wife. So...that's a win/win.

Edited February 2, 2019 by Mrs._December

[whichwayisup]

Yes. We've agreed that she's not looking for someone to replace her husband. And we would keep her family life separate from ours.

 

I'm not naive to the point to think there is a long term future for us or even a traditional relationship. I'm looking for someone to just enjoy movie or dinner hang out then I go home to my place and she goes home to her children and home life. But the strain of dating someone still living with their husband does take it's toll.

And it's become almost not worth it. Because I realize things for her are going to get worse before they get better. She'll need her space... Lots of it. And she may crack. That's always a possibility.

 

You've just added a situation that will give you a lot of pain and as time goes on it'll mess with your head. Maybe it's working now because you're getting what you need out of this affair, just like she is but eventually you'll get more attached and fall for her deeply.

 

I hope you gain the strength to end it before her husband finds out and comes looking for you. She isn't thinking clearly, she isn't thinking of her kids and their pain and devastation if they find out about their mom (most kids do find out eventually) and I doubt you want to have to deal with that fallout.

 

Do counseling, rely on good guy buddies to occupy your time, date (single) women when you're ready to date again.

[BaileyB]

She basically sleeps at my place 4-5 nights a week. She lives in another city about an hour away. So she gets up and drives home right before her children wake up to care for them.

 

I'm looking for someone to just enjoy movie or dinner hang out then I go home to my place and she goes home to her children and home life. But the strain of dating someone still living with their husband does take it's toll.

 

Read that again... Do you not appreciate how awful that sounds? What kind of a mother stays out all night with her “boyfriend,” and then goes home to care for her children? It’s absolutely ridiculous.

 

You may well be looking for someone to hang out with, no strings attached and no commitment... But this woman has strings, and she is committed, to her family. I’m sorry to be blunt, but you have no business here. And, why would you want to be with a woman who could do this - to her husband and her children?

 

I know you are in a vulnerable place but that doesn’t excuse bad behavior. As my dear mother used to say... “Give your head a shake.” This is a poor decision.

Edited February 2, 2019 by BaileyB

[misspalmy]

sometimes they lied about there marriage

[ibby7]

Ha... They always lie don't they?

 

She won a two night stay at a resort spa a couple of months ago. She says it's for us. I ask about it. She acts strange. I said you went didn't you? She says no. I check with the resort. She was in the system.. they even tell me what kind of room she had. I confront her... She sticks to her story. Are we even adults at this point?

 

Is she really moving out at the end of the month? Hahahaha. Great situation I got myself into.

[Lotus_Luna]

What does she want?

What do you want?

 

It sounds like she is using you as a distraction and rebound as she leaves her marriage. Or she and her husband have come up with some sort of agreement.

 

She probably isnt lying since she is around so much.

 

I didnt like to my AP about my **** and I didnt ask him to fix it. I didnt need a dad to my kids. I needed a partner to recharge and grow with.

[whichwayisup]

Ha... They always lie don't they?

 

She won a two night stay at a resort spa a couple of months ago. She says it's for us. I ask about it. She acts strange. I said you went didn't you? She says no. I check with the resort. She was in the system.. they even tell me what kind of room she had. I confront her... She sticks to her story. Are we even adults at this point?

 

Is she really moving out at the end of the month? Hahahaha. Great situation I got myself into.

 

Then get out of the situation! You're still grieving the loss of your wife, its only been one year. Having an affair and facing the mind games, lies, ups and downs is it worth it? And eventually the fallout when her husband finds out. This woman is playing you! Not maliciously but selfishly.

 

You deserve to be in a healthy relationship, not an affair that messes you up and makes you say and do things you normally wouldn't do. Don't help her inflict the worst pain on her husband and family (yes, kids included! Affairs are between two people but when DDAY happens it affects the whole family unit).

[BaileyB]

Are we even adults at this point?

 

The question you need to ask yourself is why you are expecting honesty from a woman who is a proven liar and a cheat? That doesn’t seem like a wise decision, does it?

[BourneWicked]

Sorry ibby. I think you both are people who have had some bad things in your past that you both put up with this sort of setup. Clearly, she thinks it's acceptable who has a husband who does very little to support her.

 

If you can deal with this situation, I don't think it's a terrible one. However, as a mom myself, I would struggle sleeping overnight with my bf, knowing my children might need me. So just things to keep in mind as you try to work through this. And who knows- maybe this bit of escape makes her a better parent or person. Hard to say.

 

Take care.

[ibby7]

Sorry ibby. I think you both are people who have had some bad things in your past that you both put up with this sort of setup. Clearly, she thinks it's acceptable who has a husband who does very little to support her.

 

If you can deal with this situation, I don't think it's a terrible one. However, as a mom myself, I would struggle sleeping overnight with my bf, knowing my children might need me. So just things to keep in mind as you try to work through this. And who knows- maybe this bit of escape makes her a better parent or person. Hard to say.

 

Take care.

 

Their situation is a strange one.

 

He works days and she works nights. She does not feel comfortable when they are home together.

 

On her days off she stays home and encourages him to go out with his friends. On his days off he stays home during the day with the kids.

 

She told him shortly before we started becoming intimate that she wanted a separation. She offered him to co-parent under the same roof and live their own separate lives. He refused.

 

Initially her trepidation leaving him was he was trying to stop drinking and she wasn't sure he could handle it and she needed him to get there so she could count on him to be there to take care of his responsibility to raise the children. Then it was the holidays. I advised her that it wouldn't be a good idea to leave him during them.

 

Now she says she can't handle it anymore and told him it's time to move out.

 

We've already agreed when it's time for her to leave that I would back off and give her her space. And when and if we come back together that the pretenses would change. She would be single and the affair would be over and we'd understand the Dynamics of our relationship would change.

 

So complicated and so much work and emotion juggling.

[overtherainbow1]

She told you that she told him she wanted a separation. I bet she wants a billion dollars but it won't show up on her porch simply because she wants it. Her telling you that is just some lie to make you both feel better because you both know this thing you are doing is wrong.

 

Why not go find a single woman? Why accept obvious lies? What makes you think she won't cheat on you (if that's even possible)?

 

Every cheating spouse follows the same psychological "script" just like the cheater you are enabling. Things have been bad forever - basically the whole marriage. He's bad with money, he's mean, he's rude, oh but wait he's so horrible he got to go to the hotel...hhmmm...then she continues to lie about it b/c if she were to really be honest with herself and the pain she is causing everyone she's close to, well, that would be too much for her to bear! Imagine thinking that you are a bad person. No, just rationalize it away.

 

You need to block her number and social media and run!

[ibby7]

Her go to manipulative tactic... When I try to break it off... And I've tried multiple times. She tells me it's not fair that I'm constantly trying to bail on this relationship<<<that's what she calls it.

 

Now she's planning future trips... I joke we might not be together by then. (Half true) ((probably the absolute truth))

 

She's been with her husband since she was 18 she's now 35.

 

Their planning to move into their own homes at the end of this month or March.

[Orokotikki]

Yeah I'm pretty certain. I respect the fact that it's probably not as bad as it seems. She basically sleeps at my place 4-5 nights a week. She lives in another city about an hour away. So she gets up and drives home right before her children wake up to care for them. The guy she says doesn't dare ask him where she's been and with who. He apparently just tries to bargain with her.. l like will you stay home on your days off or will you come home one or two nights a week.. and you can still do whatever you want.

 

It's kind of twisted. She tells me it's been ten years of neglect and taking her for granted. Ten years of booze and video games and her raising the kids, working full time and going to school.

 

She cleans the house, Cooks, shops, washes his clothes. When her and the kids go do things like the zoo and what not he's never there. And then there are financial responsibilities. He's careless with money she isn't. Some of this I know to be true for sure through pictures she sends me. The financial stuff who knows.. ours none of my business.

 

Absolutely laughable. :laugh:

He takes her for grant and she does all these things while managing to stay at your place 4-5 nights a week?!?

 

I don't think so, sounds more like the husband is doing the desperate pick me dance hoping to get her out of the affair.

 

Careful when he wakes up and finds out just who she's banging this sort of thing can drive a man over the edge and even the meekest pencil pusher can snap into a dangerous man.

 

Aaand she doesn't even intend to leave him?

What she is doing, and what you are participating in, is so much worse than divorcing him, for BH and the kids.

[S2B]

This is going no where and you are being used.

 

Why are you participating?